Bad Boyfriend

Utter frustration!  Steve is ALWAYS late (the honeymoon is over.  The time to impress me is over.  The respect is gone. I'm now being taken for granted.  Being on time is the ONE thing that I feel is a sign of respect of some one's life and time.  His tardiness is really starting to irritate me.  "Can't you text and let me know you're late?"  "Sorry, baby, I just got caught up in something." "All I'm asking for is a text."), he never remembers ANYTHING - even if it only matters to him (it's amazing he gets up for work every morning) and worse I feel like this entire relationship is based on what HE wants.  There's no consideration for me what's so ever.  It feels like it's totally on his terms and only on his terms.  I know he doesn't mean to do this, but boy it sure feels that way from where I'm sitting. The most annoying part? He wants me to take care of him like his mother!  Seriously?  I didn't sign up to have a child.  I want a life partner.  A bonafide grown-ass man!  Don't call me mommy.  I'm not your mommy!  "Well, don't you like taking care of me?"  "Sure, but this is what a couple does for one another.  It's because you care, not because I want to be your mother!" "Okay, Mommy."  Errrrr!  See???  Frustration!

Recently, Steve and I have been having some conversations about faith and my desire to go to church.  Just when I've reached a good point of compromise, and feel he has as well, he announces, out of the blue, while sitting on his front porch, that he can't live with a cat.  Can't have one in his house.  "Why?" "Because of all the fur and dust." Seriously?  Seriously.  That's you're reason?  "Well, unfortunately Meow Mix is part of the package with me.  Didn't you read my online profile? I was very open and honest about who I am and what I bring to the relationship.  Or did you just see some nice photos?" Actually, he probably doesn't remember what I had in my profile.  I swear he has early onset Alzheimer's.  "Yes, I read your profile." Hmmmm.  "At some point you are going to have to make compromises.  A relationship can't be on your terms only."  He said nothing and stared out to the street.

This really bothered me and I knew I had to bring it up again, but it took almost a week to find the time, alone to mention it.  So, it was, after an awesome evening running errands, talking and laughing we finally end up at his house having a late dinner.

E: "So, can I ask you something?"
S: "No.  If you're going to ask me something, do it."
E: "Okay, Let me ask you something.  We had a conversation last week that has really been weighing on me.  Are you serious about the cat thing?"
S: "Yes. I don't want all that fur and dust in my house."
E: "You realize she's part of the package?  I can't imagine anyone who loves me, cares about me or even KNOWS me would ask me to send her packing."
S: "Let me put it this way, my last girlfriend, I loved, and I wouldn't have cared if she had a cat or not."
E: Ouch! He clearly doesn't feel the same way about me that I do him.  I've been willing to make compromise and he isn't.  "You don't feel that way about me?"
S: "I'd like to get there."
E: Sigh....tears are welling up.  Time to cut this convo off.  I take one big gulp to finish my wine, set it on the table and say, "It's late, we should go to bed."

I head directly to the bathroom and let the tears go while he does dishes in the kitchen.  I cry hard and fast, wash my face, brush teeth and head to his bedroom where I changed into my t-shirt and crawled in bed.  Steve joins me about 10 minutes later.  After changing his clothes, he crawls in bed and wraps his arms around me.  I have to say it. I roll over to face him, "I would never do to you what she did to you."  "Huh?"  "Your ex who lied and cheated on you.  I would never do that." "I never thought you would."  "I guess I feel that at our age, after four months maybe you should know whether you want to be with someone or not."  Silence. Great. I roll back over my back facing him.  He removes his arms and instead pulls his legs up behind mine, spooning me.

I was SO hurt by what he said, and I KNOW that I was simply interpreting what he said as it affected me.  Steve could never say anything to purposely hurt me.  Time to call reinforcements: the BFF.

E: "So, what do you think?" after I explained the entire situation.
BFF: "Yep, that all sounds about right.  My hubby is the same.  Hell, all men are the same. But I love hubby and that's just how it is.  I've come to learn that men and women just don't think the same.  I'm always thinking of hubby.  For instance, I always turn the porch light on for him when he's out and I've gone to bed.  I used to get frustrated asking him to do the same and he never would.  Doesn't he care about me?  It's just a nice gesture.  He's never going to leave the porch light on but I know he loves me and it's not for lack of that.  He simply just doesn't think about it.  As far as the cat situation, it's clear to me that he wants to fall in love with you, he's just not there yet.  Give it some time and let it happen.  He will and the whole situation will be moot."

Sigh..she's totally right.  How nice to know I'm not alone and not crazy.  I really was beginning to question if this relationship was right for me.  With that said, another trusted friend said "E, you and I are masters of self-sabotage.  You're scared and making a mountain out of a mole hill.  I think you need to step back, not say anything any more and let your relationship happen."  Thanks, girls.  You're both totally right.

The next few days were not easy.  Typically when Steve and I are in the car, he grabs my hand.  Nada.  Not even near touching me.  In fact, he wasn't even trying to kiss me or be affectionate in general.  This is a problem.  Something is definitely up.  I keep things light and don't bring up anything!  I swear, I didn't.  Then one night we were hanging out at my house and I made my move.  Maybe we need some make up sex. And I couldn't have been more right.  A little sexual healing goes a long way and the next night when he picked me up after work, his hand reached out to mine in the car and held it the entire ride.

xoxo

Steven Opens Up....

You should all be relieved.  I felt SO different with Steven tonight and even better by the end of the night. It was amazingly comfortable and easy.   

He picked me up at 5:40p and, as per usual, I was ready to go and peering out my living room blinds for him.  I watch him park his car and get out wearing that DAMNED fur hat!  Ugh, I hate that thing!  We head to the grocery to pick a few items for the dinner I was making him - Seared Scallops with thin multi-grain spaghetti with tomatoes, garlic, Parmesan and olive oil accompanied by spring greens lightly drizzled in olive oil.  At the store, he followed me, as I walk very fast and determined.  I had several things for this recipe already at home, packed them in a recyclable grocery bag and brought it with.  Produce, fish counter, dairy and wine and head to the self check out.  I ring everything up and the clerk says "Do you have ID."  I turn my back to show her my ID and then carefully place it back in my python card case.  As I turn around, Steven is running his card through the machine to buy the food.  "This was supposed to be my treat."  "I know, but I wanted to." "Okay, that's very nice of you," I whisper "but you didn't have to." He looks at me and smiles.

Back towards the car and Steven grabs my hand again.  He's always, always holding my hand.  We get in the car and make the trek back to his house.  As we drive in the snow we spin and turn - this guy knows how to drive! "I love this car.  All wheel drive rocks!" I laugh at his purely manly enthusiasm as I grip the card door hand thinking it will actually protect me in an impact.  I'm more concerned about the other people on the road then Steven.

As we pull up to his house, the street is clearly a mess and yet he just plows right through it all.  In Chicago there is this long standing tradition that once you've done the hard work of digging yourself out of the snow, you reserve the spot with a broom, folding chair, desks, you know, whatever happens to be handy.  This street is no different.  It's comical, really, until someone steals your stuff and your parking space.  Once inside and stripped of all wet outerwear, I head to the kitchen and begin taking everything out of the bags and positioning them on the table island.  He opens the wine while I take roasted pepper hummus and spread it on a plate, microwave for 20 seconds, drizzle some olive oil, fan multi-grain and flax seed crackers around it and present it to him as The Appetizer.  He loves it and comes around to give me a hug as thanks....with a mini make out.

As I get everything ready his idle hands are all over me and I decide it's time to put them to work, "You'll manage the pasta, because I know you've got that down, and I'll do the rest." "Ok," he says with an attempt at another make out.  "Get to work!!"  I grab the tomatoes and garlic and ask him for a knife.  Boy does he have a knife.  Chef grade.  It sliced through a tomato perfectly.  "This is an amazing knife.  Where did you get it."  "Work." "Oh right because you need to have them for work." Laugh. "No the sales reps come in to sell to the airport restaurants.  I bought a few."  "Oh, yeah, that makes sense." "Hold that thought."  He comes back moments later with another knife, exactly like the one I'm holding except with a black handle.  "Get your grimy hands off my knife!"  uhm...what? "This is for you." "But I have one." "No, this is yours.  I want you to have it." uhm, that's like a $100 knife, dude. "I really can't.  Yes, you will. I'll set it over here for you." "Thank you!"

While I'm chopping I ask:

E:  "So, I don't mind the texting, but why don't you call me.  Not a phone guy?"
S: He smiles. "It's not that I haven't wanted to, I just don't know when you're busy."
E: "Well, if I'm busy I won't answer!"
S: He laughs.  "Yeah, simple as that."
E: "So tell me something about you that I don't know." I look up to the smirk-smile.  "What?" I say "Entertain me while I'm doing this."
S: "Okay, I moved around from school to school growing up.  Later I worked at the Chicago Board of Trade for 10 years from the age of 18-28."
E: "Wow, were you a runner?"
S: "I started off as a runner."
E: "And then you just decided it wasn't fulfilling enough?"
S: "Yeah, I guess that's it. And yyoooouuu??"
E: "Well, I spent most of my life as a performer - dance, theater, singing, and such.  I went to school on scholarship to sing and loved it.  I feel that I'm an instrument for this amazing music.  It wasn't about me, and that came back to hurt me.  I was raised to be far too modest and I lacked all Divaness.  Then I asked myself if I wanted to teach - no - or do I want to wait tables in New York auditioning with 20,000 girls who look and sound like me?  Not really.  Not to say I wasn't unique. I was small, petite with a huge voice that could be heard over a 200-piece orchestra and 150-person choir.  I loved it, still do, but have no regrets about changing my major to journalism.  I simply didn't have the 'I have to do this to live' feeling in my gut.  I do miss it. After I lost my scholarship I worked as a waitress and bartender to help pay my tuition."

Steven comes around the table, takes the knife from my hand and gives me a big hug.  "Ouch!" "What," he stops suddenly.  "My back, from shoveling yesterday.  It's really sore."  "Well, I will give you a massage to make it feel better."  I smile.

I decide to cook all of the scallops so he can eat them for leftovers.  When it was all complete, I prepared each plate and we go into the living room to sit at the big ass table to eat.  He digs in and is loving it.  "This is so good." "I know, and it's so easy, don't you think?"  "Hhmmmm..."  That was pretty much the rest of the meal until I look up and find a huge stuffed giraffe staring at me. " Uhm..." he looks at me. "Giraffe???"  He laughs.  "You like that?  When restoration hardware was having their bankruptcy sales I bought it for my niece and nephew." "So why isn't it at their house?"  "They wanted to keep it here so they have something to play with."  "Ahhh..."

I gotta give it to Steven.  He downed six big scallops, salad and pasta, clearing his plate.  I say, "I'm stuffed.  It would be great to go take a walk."  "Okay, let's." "Seriously?" "Yeah."  So we bundle up in our outwear and head out to walk around the block in the frigid temps.  "You should wear your knit cap it will keep you warmer." "I'm fine," as he puts on ear covers and that stupid fur hat!

It's cold but it feels good. We talk about his neighborhood as I point out interesting architectural and design elements I see.  "It's changed a lot since I moved in," he says. "I used to hear gunshots all the time."  "Didn't that scare you?" "Nah, I'm a better shot." I suddenly wonder where he leaves his gun in the house.  (Sidebar: I did do some more research and he is a Marshall whose assignment is on the ground.) Instead of turning right to make the walk around the block complete he says "Turn left". We turn left and come upon the park.  Steven lives a good three to four miles from the lakefront but he's right by a huge park with lagoon, tennis courts, softball fields and more.  I've seen it in the summer and it's actually quite beautiful.  No doubt the park is empty but the drive through it is clear and we make that our path.  At one point he let's go of my right hand, stops, I keep walking, and then comes up on my left grabbing that hand.  Nice.  A real gentleman always walks on the outside of a lady.  Nice!

We decide to cross the street and venture into the area, which is normally grass, towards the softball field.  There was two feet of snow and we were like moose picking up each leg up and out of the snow.  By the time we stop, we're both winded.  We stand there for a few minutes inhaling the cold air and enjoy the quite beauty and he wraps his arms around me.  We decide to go.

S: "Let's go this way," and he starts to pull me to the right.
E: "Uhm, let's not."  While we were standing there, I saw a guy stumble into the snow towards a tree.
S: "Why?"
E: "Cuz that guy is peeing on the tree over there." Chicago has embraced public urination!
S:  He laughs. "Yeah, okay."

We walk through the softball field to the road, passing the most beautiful snow angels, and he again steps to the outside of me. Nice. About 10 minutes later we're back in the warmth of his house, of which he actually turned the heat up.  Snow is everywhere and we carefully undress and he turns his neck to reveal a crick.  I start to massage it and he leads me into his bedroom.

When he opens the door I see a huge four-banister bed with matching light wood strips linking the tops, perfect for a mosquito net.  It's not a large room, as is very traditional in old Chicago homes, but somehow he's managed to cram his office desk and a huge, tall metal filing cabinet in.  This guy needs a woman's touch!  The mattress, Tempurpedic.  Awesome!  He lays down and I massage his neck and back.  The more I rub his shoulders through the shirt, the more crinkling noise I hear...and feel.  BACK HAIR!!!  Seriously??? Really?  COME ON!!  Sooner or later we switch, I pull off my turtle neck after working up a small sweat massaging his tight back, and lay in my tank top and leggings. He starts to give my back the massage it's been crying for all day, except he can't rally stay focused.  He continues to lean down to kiss my neck and shoulders.  "Hey, I'm serious, I need this!" It was a generous massage lasting about 15 minutes.  Afterwards we lie on the bed, making out and talking.

S: "So what is your hesitation?"
E: "What? With sex?"
S: "Yeah"
E: "I promised myself I would do it right this time, that I wouldn't jump into anything."
S: "Why?"
E: "Because that's what I've done in the past and the relationships didn't have substance."
S: "What were they?"
E: "I dressed up well for parties and dinners out; I looked good for their friends.  We never talked and they never seemed interested in me."
S: "Oh." Make out.
S: "Tell me about your first boyfriend."
E: I laugh. "My first boyfriend lasted about 10 minutes.  He was my first kiss." We played around as I imitated the reenactment of my first kiss.  Hilarious.  I was actually in fifth grade..... "Yours?"
S: "It was ninth grade and I started dating this girl.  My brother met her and said 'dude, you can do so much better than that!', but all of my friends had girlfriends and I wanted one too.  So I got one."  We laugh.  "So tell me about your last relationship."
E: "He was the first in a long time to treat me with respect.  He was super sweet to me, wanted to court me and I felt I deserved it.  Then he dropped a bombshell that I just couldn't help him with."
S: "What do you mean"
E: "He told me he was in recovery"
S: "For what?"
E: "Alcohol mostly but I often wondered if there was something harder.  It was sad. He had just recently gotten out of rehab for the second time." I didn't go into more details.
S: "Oh."
E: "Are you uncomfortable that I am not jumping into sex with you?"
S: "Well, no, but for me it defines everything."
E: "What do you mean? That it means that we're officially together?"
S: "Yes." He says with a smile.  So, you're eager to take me off the market??  LOL  He kisses me and the looks linger. He softly touches my face. "Do you still have your online profile up?"
E: "Yes, but I haven't checked it in awhile. Do you?"
S: "No. I took it down."
E: "Why?"
S: "Because I really like you."
E: "So what did you think the other night when I didn't want to come into the bedroom with you?"
S: "I just thought you hadn't made your choice yet."
Silence.
E: "I suppose I'm just looking for someone who will be patient with me. Who will make me laugh."
S: "I can do that." And with those words he rolled me on to my back, lifted up my tank top and gave me a huge zurburt on the stomach.  I laughed and laughed.
E: I catch my breath as he lies down next to me. "I like that you asked and we talked about this.  Keep talking to me. Deal?"
S: "Always."

The conversation and making out continued until I finally drew the line and said I have to go home.

I felt exponentially better knowing where his head was at, and I'm sure he feels better as well.  I think it was feeling the pressure of sex that had me feeling like I was out of control; as if I'd lose him if I didn't, and I don't like that.  We've only been on FOUR dates! I just need to wrap my head around all of this.  This is what I want, I just have to go step-by-step for myself.

He's right, I haven't made my decision yet because of fear and what not, but I'm closer.  Definitely closer.  But I do have to say, there's nothing like letting him work for it a little bit.  He doesn't need to know that I haven't dated anyone else.  There's no harm.  No answer is not lying.  There has to be a reason why none of those other guys really go into contact and asked me out.  I believe that God works in mysterious ways. 


Next date: Saturday late afternoon.  Ice skating and hot chocolate - we really have to get out of the house and out to do something! LOL  Plus, I might not be able to see him until I get back from the new business pitch in Pittsburgh next Friday.  Ugh...Valentine's Day...

xoxo

A Snowy Night

Tonight I spent the evening with a good gay bf - Ben*.  I picked a place just off the "El" for us to meet.  A straight bar with 50% off the entire menu.  He is, in some ways, like my brother.  I've always had a special feeling for him.  He's just a special, kind-hearted, thoughtful guy.  This is the first time we've actually said we were going to get together and made it happen.  Although there was an impending blizzard we still made it happen.  And of course, with the blizzard everyone goes immediately home, so the place was dead.  We ordered a buffet of Korean tacos, tempura shrimp (which wasn't actually tempura but fried - still yummy), tomato bisuq soup (eh, it was so-so) and some cocktails.  It was so dead that the cook brought us a complimentary dish of bacon-wrapped dates in a vodka sauce that was to dah fer!

Ben is the kind of person who is the voice of reason.  He's the one you can talk about anything to and he totally gets it.  He's self-aware, and aware of the world around him, and tries to live a life that makes a difference, as most of us do or aspire to do.  Ben is my sounding board.  Someone I trust deeply and I know will never judge me but ask questions that provoke my thought (yes, I know he's reading this!).  So, it was an awesome evening of sharing, asking and telling. Ben is the kind of guy who, when you're leaving says "You know, I'm going to tip the waiter/bartender more because it was half off night."  For me, who worked her way through college as a waitress and bartender, I feel terrible I didn't think of it.  But Ben did. And to top it off, he walked me the few blocks to the bus stop, across from the "El" cuz he's a gentleman like that.

Tonight feels like December or the beginning of January.  This storm is late, in a our terms.  However, it feels like Old Man Winter is saying You haven't seen the last of me and this is my last chance.   Indeed, we're never sorry to see him go, but if it weren't for the winter, summer just wouldn't be so great in Chicago.  People around the world wouldn't talk about how amazing this city is in the summer.  While we rarely let bad weather keep us down, summer is when we are all at our best.  We'd take it for granted, like they do in the South and Southwest.  People wouldn't live every day to the fullest, caring less about sleep and more about being out, about and present in the warmth still radiating from the city sidewalks.  No, it just wouldn't be the same.

As we walked down the street, we are bombarded with small snow bits (not even big enough to be flakes) that dance in the wind and chill our faces.  Both of us covered from head to tail in winter gear and snow.  As always, I give him a kiss on the cheek and we agree to do this again....soon.  two and half hours and we still didn't cover everything.

Once off the bus, I begin the trek down my block.  I've written about it before, but tonight it actually happened - one of the things I love about the city - a snow covered street.  I wish I could take a picture so you could see it in it's beauty.  The block is silent and I have a spiritual moment (shutup! it is!).  It's spiritual because of its beauty - pure - and no matter how many times I experience it, I'm still filled with wonder at it.  I do not take it for granted.  The sounds of nearby city vehicles muted.  It's as if a blanket has been laid down over everything quashing the sounds of the city.  The street lights bounce off the snow and it's suddenly brighter, not to mention a wee bit safer.  The snow continues to blow into my face and only momentarily blocked by a house or four.  I. Feel. So. ALIVE.  I slow my pace, knowing it's just a few blocks to my house and I want to enjoy it; savor this feeling.  It's a high.  I want to enjoy it because I'm blessed to have a warm coat, hat and gloves on.  I want to enjoy it because I have a warm, dry house awaiting me.  I am blessed.  If there's ever a time to realize what you have, it's now.  I can only imagine what it would be like to be out there now, waiting for the several inches to fall into place, and no where to go.  No warm home.  Only a crowded shelter.  (Now, those of you who know me, know that I've worked with the homeless for 20 years.  There are those who choose, those who don't and those who don't know the difference.  I reflect and pray for the latter two.)  And, I'm super blessed to have no where to go but my home office and out to shovel in the morning (my back!  hahaha).

Even now, as I write, my face continues to sing from the chill and life that was soft burned into it walking.  I already have a rosy color - thanks to my heritage, and one I've spent a lifetime trying to cover.  It's only been recently that I've embraced my naturally rouged hue and now feel the life within those cheeks.  You just don't get this same feeling when you go from garage to car to parking lot to building.  You just don't. You can only feel it when you spend real time outside, walking, playing with the dog or kids.  You have to enjoy it.  It's not a burden but a reminder that while the sun makes us feel alive with its warmth, that the snow, it's beauty and chill, can do the same.

To those of you in the path of the storm, be safe, stay in and go out when you must.  You know who you are.

xoxo

Bad Dream: Change is Coming

Last week I saw a friend who I've worked with and known for 11 years.  We met because she worked for my client and became super fast friends often sharing our dating war stories.  She is now in her 40's and still drop dead gorgeous - when I saw her this summer (the first time in years) I wanted to throw up!  She has dated and dated and dated over the years, and why wouldn't she: she's GORGEOUS.  The funny thing is that she could never settle down with a guy.  Well, until she recently posted on Facebook that she's engaged.  Yep!

So, when I saw her last week I was all over the ring and questions about the guy.  "You know, it's weird," she said.  "I was very happy in my life.  I had good jobs, own my own condo, drive a great car, have amazing friends and the cutest dog...I was very happy.  He came to me on my terms and has made me want to settle down."

E: "The thing I have realized is that I'm afraid of getting into a relationship like this because I'm scared of making the wrong choice."
F: "Yeah, I was there too.  It's different when someone really wants to be with you they are always there, proving it."
E: "True, but I immediately see it as suffocation.  The guy does everything he should, just like a movie, and yet I see it as negative, not positive affection, or even that he's working to get my attention."
F: "Yep, sweetie, it's time gals like you and I realize and let go or we will be alone for life."
E: "Wise words, sister, wise words."

And with a quick hug she was off to pack for a trip to warm Mexico the next day with her fiance.

I got to thinking about it a little bit more this week, and I really am proud of myself for being part of something with Steven.  Even if it's just to see if there is substance there.  If I want to fall in love, or have someone fall in love with me, I at least have to give them a chance.  Damn fear!  Now I'm at this place where I've been alone for so long that it's what I know; it's safe.  I've dated men (subconsciously) who were emotionally and geographically unavailable because I knew it wouldn't go anywhere.  Problem is, that with the emotionally unavailable ones, there really are few warning signs.  It's not until they tell you they just got out of rehab on your fourth date that you see the RED flag.  Yet, ironically, I want to be in a relationship.  Go figure! 

Moreover, I am having these feelings that tell me to go out with others, try a few other boys on for size, and that could be the fear or "this is your last chance" talking.  Since I've rarely been in this place over the last 10 years, I do have this strange, retarded way of thinking that suggests I should only be dating one at a time.  This feeling of guilt that I'm going to be the one to do the hurting is somewhat overwhelming, and frankly it's stressing me out.  All of it.  However, my friends have sage advise on this:

"Date, date, date!  Dogs don't chase parked cars"

"Have fun...kisses aren't contracts"

I do know something big is about to happen.  Last night I dreamt that I was running and jumping into a revine to protect myself from a nuclear bomb blast.  I know, c-r-a-z-y.  You're thinking "what is going on?"  I have to admit that in my life when something is about to change for me I have these frightening, near-death dreams, which I can only explain as a warning that part of me is about to die and blossom into something new, or BIG changes are coming my way.  Usually it's tornados (hey, I'm a Kansas girl) or being shot at.  When I'm being chased and shot at I know that something needs to change but I am denying it from happening; hence running away from it.  Having an understanding keeps me alert and helps me realize when I need to let go.  To give up and let God! So you can imagine how I felt when I gasped and sat up in bed, sweating.  Nuclear bomb means something pri-tteee serious, me thinks.  What?  Well, we'll all find out together.

Of course I had to search for the meaning and here's what I got:

"To dream of a nuclear bomb, suggests feelings of helplessness and loss of control. You are experiencing some strong hostility and rage, where it is nearly destructive. Important changes are about to occur. You may also be expressing a desire to wipe out some aspect of yourself. Alternatively, the nuclear bomb serves as an indication that something crucial and precious to you has ended."

Precious...like my singledom?  Or maybe now I may believe that the process of deciding to move is really about letting go of everything I've held on so tightly to so I can actually grow and receive more blessings....

Why is it that when you answer questions others are created?

In the meantime, there are about 12 pairs of jeans in stack in my closet.  None that fit, so I'm preparing myself for an outing of finding the perfect pair to fit my new, wider butt and tummy, for tonight's date with Steven.  It's like boys, you have to try on a lot of them before you find the right one. 

xoxo

Dating News Flash I

After several conversations with friends, I am reaffirmed about the oddity of Steven's desire to play 20 questions with me rather than just be straight about what he does.  And, it's not really about what he does for a living, it's about honesty.  As the BFF said "I don't care what your job is for a living.  You can bag groceries, but own it and be proud of it."  Aaaaaa-greed!

Nonetheless, I am giving him the benefit of the doubt (including assuming the fact that he paid our bill, although I just feel strongly it didn't happen) and have set a date for dinner on Thursday night.

In the meantime, I've talked to two other guys I met online.  John...the conversation was painful.  He was about as exciting as a wet rag.  I think I spoke a total of three minutes on a half hour call.  I finally told him my Mom was calling on the other line and had to go (I'm sure my Mom won't mind that I used her as an excuse!)

Rich...we've been emailing online for some time.  He is actually one of the first guys I met on the site.  Seemed a little cocky...yeah, he's one of those guys who put up a photo with no shirt on. Typically I would just scoff at him and move on to the next, but in the interest of trying not to judge people without knowing them, I read his profile and his justification made sense -

"You may laugh at me because I put up a picture without a shirt, but I'm doing this to prove that I am who I say I am."

Okay, fine, cuz I can tell you how many people I've met in person and thought "that picture on your profile is about 15 years old.  You said you were 35 not 55, weren't balding and 80 pounds overweight."  Again - be who you are.  Own who you are or change it.  Plus, he's attractive and the rest of his profile seemed honest and sincere.  After the conversation with John, which about put me to sleep, I called Rich and we had a great convo for over an hour.  If he appears cocky on his profile, I definitely didn't get that vibe speaking to him.  He just sounded like a good dude.  I eventually admitted it was my bed time (I don't like games, but you have to play a little.  In this case, I always try to get off the phone first), and hoped we could catch up again by phone or in person.  "In person would be great."  "Awesome, I'm available this week, so why don't you figure something out and let me know." (Again, I always make them plan the date - hey, they can do some work to impress me!)

Yesterday I returned the call from the local dating agency and told Annie* that the timing was perfect and I am available.  "Great. We'll determine if you're a match for this person and then get back to you.  In the meantime, you might want to come back in for a face-to-face since it's been a couple of years."  "Of course! let me know when."

I have to admit something: I often feel bad dating someone I know is interested in me and then dating other people.  It's like I'm cheating or doing something behind their backs, when I know that this simply isn't true until sex and mutual monogamy is confirmed.  It's weird, I KNOW, and I have no answer as to why I feel this way other than the fact that I have been cheated on quite a bit in past relationships.  It's the reason that I probably do two things:
1. Ensures that I won't cheat.  Ironically, I have NEVER cheated, but no one needs to feel the hurt I have. I think it's less about cheating and more about hurting someone.
2. More than likely is the main culprit in my meeting men, having a great time and then rushing to see what else is out there before settling down with that person.  I want to make sure that I won't be more attracted to someone else, which is complete bullshit because I am the one who once wrote a column on men looking over my shoulder for greener grass and yet here I am.

In reality, I probably do this because:
A. If it's not going to work out I'd rather cut if off at the pass than let it go further and hurt someone more.  I will not lie...I have hurt someone in my past.  I was careless and disrespectful to him.  Why? Because, if you believe it or not, I actually believed that men did not have feelings.  Yep.  Thanks, Dad.  A mutual friend called and said that the bf was really hurt and crying nonstop.  I never knew what to do about that so I let him go because I figured "why would he take me back?"  I still feel guilt over this, the first realization that men aren't so different.
B. Protection mechanism! Scared to take the leap.  My mind suddenly races to marriage and my fear of making the wrong choice, much like I fear my Mother might have done because she was expected to get married.  After her engagement to someone she was crazy about was broken, by the guy, she picked the first handsome, eccentric, non-affectionate but hard-working man who fell for her.  He was from a lower class and my grandparents never really approved of him.  But hey, if she hadn't gone for him then I wouldn't be here, and we all know you couldn't live without me!  HA!

As I told the BFF yesterday, I am really proud of my recent realizations (epiphanies) towards relationships and dating, but there is clearly more work to be done and I'm hoping that getting out and dating will help me conquer in "real time", so to speak.  It's good to be aware of where you are and know what hills you need to get over.  There's no point in not being aware and then dragging others through your black suitcase full of bullshit!

xoxo

The Ring

I've been meaning to write this post for a long time, but it seemed like there was always something more pressing to explore.

What you should know is that I am like Jack Handy.  The bulletin board above my desk in my office looks like a book of inspirational quotes threw up on it.  In my bedroom I have my intentions "board" - more like several pieces of scrapbook paper with things I want in life glued to it.  I even have a post-it in by bathroom cabinet with "Excellence" written on it.  The idea is that if you look at all of this and put what you want into the world that it will come back to you.  Listen, I've tried it all and I've yet to afford the SUV, $200 dress I adore, take a vacation to the South of France...I was also never one of those girls who had a shoe box filled with ideas for their wedding or kids names.  Cough...now I do.  

I do find inspiration in all of this, I do, but I felt like I needed something more tangible to be a constant reminder of what I am working for everyday for myself - to define my successes.  What I found was a ring - faux of course! - that I found at TJ Max on sale.  It is the ring I would love someone to give me and it represents everything I want as successes and financial security in my life.  The ring is vintage inspired (anyone who knows me understands my live for vintage anything), is silver with a large round cubic zirconia surrounded by smaller stones, and still smaller ones set on the ring itself leading around my finger.  And yes, I tend to wear it mostly on my left ring finger, but it goes everywhere with me at which point it shifts to the other hand.

Now, you may ask "you bought yourself a promise ring?"  Yep!  I sure did.  Much like I registered for gifts and sent emails to family and friends for my 32 birthday and Christmas - because I needed stuff and wasn't getting married any time soon (no prospects) - yes, I bought myself a promise ring, or something that represents a promise to myself.  This promise is to work hard everyday, to not stop doing what I'm doing until I find my happiness, to not give up, to find my partner and to know that I deserve all of these blessings.

I find myself looking at it often and it really does drive me to keep moving forward.  Hey, I could easily sit on my ass three days a week watching TV and only working the hours I get paid for the other days, but it's not like that.  No matter where I may be spiritually, financially and emotionally, I still get up everyday and do what I have to in order to market myself and my business, fulfill other commitments I've created or made.  I am still dedicated, and this ring represents my faith and dedication to getting my relatively stress-free happy ending.

I take tremendous care of this ring and often feel naked without it.  Even now, as I type it's on, under my gloves (told you earlier, it's still freakin' cold here!).  A few times, I've misplaced it and totally freaked out unmaking my bed, tossing pillows and digging in couch cushions and dumping every purse I own.  Maybe this connection is bordering on co-dependent, but it brings me comfort during a time when I am, really, alone.  

So promise ring to myself?  Yes.  Representative of  my dedication to work and life to achieve what it is I want? Yes. A dream?  Possibly.  Am I hopeful, faithful?  You betcha! It was the best $25 I could have spent on myself and it really has come to represent everything I need to do to reach my Epiphany and rise out of the ashes of my past. 

What do you have or do to represent or remind you of what you want in life?

Life is Funny - No Lemons, Then Lots of Lemonade

So, I've been a stranger.  Guilty.

It's interesting how things unfold in life.  You make one decision and then everything explodes in another direction.  Don't get me wrong.  My aim is still to move back to Kansas City to be closer to family, but as I look back on the last month, or so, I'm beginning to realize that it wasn't as much about making the decision to move, it was more about the decision to let go of my business.  To say "I'm not a failure.  I gave it 10 years and now it's time to move on; to better provide for myself."  To let it go and be okay with it.

Since that time, my outlook has been different.  Before I would say "I won't give up my business until I've tried everything."  While I haven't done everything, I am still moving forward with it because, let's face it, it's a job and I am making money.  The whole process of letting go has presented new opportunities. Opportunities that mean business and more money coming through my door.  Although my business is one of short-term agreements and contracts with small businesses, I still have to be flexible, but in the last month...."let the flood gates open!"

Seriously, I felt like there were no lemonades to squeeze, and now....life is truly funny and always interesting.  You have to stay alert because it will always through you for a loop!

I'm not saying I'm making TONS of money, but I'm growing steadily, and surely at a rate I can handle.  And yes, some clients have morphed or we've finished what we can do for them, but that just leaves room for more things to happen.  I'm definitely not saying that everything is going to be A-Ok from here on out.  I'm not saying that I won't leave it all behind and take a job - if the right one comes along - but what I am saying is that I'm happy for the moment.  My responsibilities still weigh heavy on my mind and sometimes keep me from sleeping at night, but I have faith.  I just know that it will be okay and whatever is to be will be.

In the meantime, more and more ideas come to me to grow my business and to really separate myself out.  One, is the generous help of Brother-in-law1 who is generously redesigning my website, and it's going to be awesome!  I'm completely grateful for the renewed energy he's pumped through my veins.  I was stuck in a rut.  A deep rut, and I feel like I'm sort of coming out of it.  There's a new business model and if I have to build myself, for the time being, on the backs of interns for credit, then I will and they'll be grateful to have the experience.  I know what my number one goal is right now and there's only one way to accomplish it - with super hard work (even more than I've committed in the past...not possible?  It is!)

So now, I'm happy to announce we've started working with one client, preparing to downsize another and have several new opportunities on the horizon, just waiting to be tackled.

With that, I must run and get back to the daily grind which I am now lovingly referring to as the daily WIND!  It winds me up and I'm excited!  I have been in business for 10 years.  Most would have given up years ago.  Not me.  Too stubborn!  Now, I am preparing to do a celebration at a networking benefit I created (couldn't think of a better way to celebrate than to give back?) and this rockin' new website...For the event, we have a liqueur sponsor and a pastry magician who is providing treats...It's going to be fun!  Who wouldn't be able to get excited about that? 

Here's a tip - for those of you interested a friend has a new fab blog about her first pregnancy.  Follow her!!


Pregnancy Stumble

xoxo

Which Direction Did You Say To Go?

The last few months I've really been questioning where I'm going and what I'm doing.  For real?  Is that what you just said?  Yeah, fer real! And you thought I had it all figured out.  Me TOO!  Psych!

Yes, the decision to move is still a good one but the real question, the thing that has left me in limbo is whether to get a job or not.  Seems that since all this crazy shit went down that things have really been turning around and now I have all this opportunity in front of me.  I feel like Job.  You know, the guy who lost everything, faced every challenge and tragedy, remained faithful and was rewarded 10-fold?  Yeah, that guy.  That's who I felt like and who I still feel like.  It's crazy!

I was really, really leaning to taking a secure job and almost even more so when I FINALLY did that interview.  Interesting and easy really.  I suppose I'm so used to selling myself on a constant basis to clients that the job interview process seems like a breeze.  Let me tell you that all in all, if I were to take a job, this one is the BOMB!  We're talking relo, great salary, bennies and flex work (read: ability to work from home).  I thought it went really well but know they're talking to seven of us.  I have yet to hear from them about moving further into the process.  If I did they'd want to fill the position by end of December.  Needless to say, lots to think about.  But then....


This week I've had two new business proposals to do - one still to finish - and now I'm teaching my first 3-hr workshop to small business owners, who, I might add, are paying a whopping $60 bucks to attend.  Here's where it get's funny, or a little scary....a local reporter saw the class online and decided to do a story that would include me.  Yeah, wait...it gets better.  She's not just writing a story, but apparently producing one for a syndicated TV program that airs in 100 markets across the country.  Holy SHIT!  LOL  Fer real!  And those clients I'm pitching new business to aren't talking to anyone else.  Two I've worked with before and one saw that I was teaching this workshop, called the organization for my information and then called me.  Now that's the kind of competition I like.  None!

So, if I'm supposed to be listening to the Big Guy I would say that he's telling me everything I need to know, right?  All I can say that I've been so busy as of late (two pro bono clients suddenly just took off, along with loads of fun things happening for paying clients) that I haven't even had time to look for jobs.  I'm sure it will all settle down soon, but I keep wondering....if all of this is happening it must be for a reason, and if I move forward in the interview process for this position and get offered the job how do I know what decision to make?  Fuck!  Hate this.  Then again...there I go making mountains out of mole hills.  I have no idea if I'll move forward in the process, so until then I keep doing what I'm doing and controlling what I can control.  That's all any of us can do, right?

Time will tell and I have faith that it will all be laid out for me in due time.  

Man, I need a vacation!  I'm really looking forward to seeing my family next week (I'm sure I'll blog about that craziness), get some rest and a major change of scenery.  In the meantime, you should know that my Christmas is TOTALLY DONE!  Well, okay, with the minor exception of my nephew...but I'm loving it!!  It's cut my stress, and drinking, by more than half, I'm sure.  Thanks to all of you for your awesome ideas for inexpensive and creative gifts.  You totally rock! 

xoxo

Holiday Shopping at Home for the Girl on a Budget

This weekend was so busy that I decided to take today (Monday) off and finish my house cleaning.  It always amazes me how the house can go from clean to a complete war zone in the matter of minutes.  Cleaning is enjoyable to me (I know, I need help).  It's a great stress reliever and as an organizer-type there's something calming about putting everything in its place.

This weekend I attend a Swap Party that was rich in goodies!  I took four bags of shoes, clothes, jewelry, some housewares and purses.  My intention was not to refill those bags, and I did a pretty good job.  I did score some awesome stuff, many of it for Spring.  If the Swap is really good, one can even find some fun gifts for others.  This one didn't have as much, but I'm regretting not picking up the Stuart Weitzman ankle boots for a friend.  Where was my head?

As I finally found a home for everything today, I also felt the purge bug again.  It's addictive, this little bug.  It feels so good to get out from underneath your stuff and get it out of your home.  When you've been some place for a long time it's easy to get settled and then...the collecting starts.  I can't live in clutter, so the last few years I've been doing major purging.  Crazy as it sounds, but it's kind of euphoric, especially when others find so much joy in the things you no longer want.  Today, was no different.

I sat down and started cleaning out accessories when it hit me - I'm not sure what I'm going to do for Christmas gifts with a very limited budget.  I stopped looked down and saw a wealth of gifts before me.  If I only concentrate on my family and one or two friends, I've got it covered. Hardly used or worn accessories which I could easily pass on to others.  Fifteen minutes of cleaning and polishing and they're good as new! Yes, each one is specifically chosen for each person.  One is a necklace I got around the age of 10-12 years old and not worn since college.  I love the piece - it's shaped like a descending dove with three opals - and decided that it would be the perfect, and very special, gift to pass on to my niece.  I just can't believe how much I have that I've hardly or never worn.  It's fantastic!  Who knew most of my Christmas shopping would come from the third drawer? And let me tell you, some of the women in my life are scoring!  Meanwhile, I'm saving about $100+ in cash.  I wouldn't say it's trash, but it's definitely untapped treasure.

At the moment, each is in it's own box and labeled and the bug is still eating away at me.  Or...it's the spirit of Christmas.  'Tis the season to be purging...falalalala-lalalala.

What are your creative or inexpensive holiday shopping tips and ideas?

xoxo

My Birthday

Halloween is my birthday.  Before you get all "that's so cool, you must have the birthday ever every year", let me just say it has it's ups and downs.  Really, I don't know why, maybe I think it should be so extraordinary, but it's not.  However, that's not to say it isn't great.  After all, I can become someone else for a night or put on my "birthday" wig and be incognito for a day or two.

When I was younger, my birthday ROCKED.  Probably because I was a kid and it was all about trick-or-treating.  My mom used to make my costumes - one year I was Sleeping Beauty and she did an amazing job with the dress.  Another year I was Dorothy from the "Wizard of Oz" and I put our black Lhasa Apso in a basket as Toto.  My parents let me take her to school and show everyone my costume and then they took her back home.  And...there was always more candy and cupcakes for the class.

As I grew older, it became harder but my family did amazing things for me: Sister1 taped a huge plastic pumpkin outside my bedroom door.  When I woke up I ran right into it and couldn't stop laughing.  One year my parents turned our garage and basement into a haunted house.  It was a family affair and my friends thought it was amazing!  For my Sweet Sixteen I came home to my boyfriend and a handful of friends hosting a surprise party.  It was mellow but so much fun.  That's when I began to realize that it's more about who you're with than anything else.  I didn't get a car, a real piece of jewelry or anything else extraordinary, just my family and friends.

I love the effort my family always put in.  Most years my Dad would dress up as a ghost and as kids walked into the entry way and rang the bell, he'd jump out from the garage or off the chair he was sitting on.  He continues to do something fun.  He loves Halloween.  For him, it's the greatest night of the year.

Since I moved away and became (cough) older, things changed.  There was no longer family, family but there was a new family.  My Urban Tribe and they have done some pretty awesome things from a surprise party for my 31st to simply dinner at our favorite sushi restaurant.  Or the few years I've shared my birthday with others and had a mean girls night of manis/pedis and BYOB sushi.  The last two years I've gone to the parade in Boystown, which is every gay man's national holiday and a riot!  These people go far out for incredible costumes - of course all I can think about is how do you go to the bathroom in that thing?  And...of course my family has visited.  Sister 1 has rang in the Big 30 and Bigger 35 with me and my aunt and uncle celebrated numero 32 with a night filled with Italian and champagne.

Then there were the beginning years in Chicago when everyone talked me into hosting a party at a bar.  I did that and 200 of my closest friends RSVP'd to attend, however, in the end maybe 35 showed and stayed, another 35 came, said they were just coming in to wish me "Happy Birthday" and then leave, and, in the end, I was left holding the bag for the room.  Their excuse - "We have, like, five more parties to go to..." And I was like "Listen, sister, I vaguely remember holding your hair back from your face while you puked into a trash can in the "Viagra Triangle" (locals know what I'm talking about) at 4:00 in the morning on your birthday and you can't stay and have ONE drink to help pay for the room?"  Whatever.  Sure friends pitched in so I wasn't alone in paying $1,000 to the bar -yep, you read that clearly - but I was embarrassed and mad, and the rest went on credit card.  Obviously, I've not done anything like that since. 

I often wonder if it's because I'm single and alone that I don't feel like my birthday is really that great.  There's no waking up in the morning to "Happy Birthday, babe", someone to take me to dinner or dress up in a couple's costume.  Reading through this, I know that I'm pretty lucky and it's not so bad, but I feel like something's missing.  Aside of the costume and parties it's just another day.  I do want to give my gay boys a shout out for Saturday night.  I came out of the bathroom to trick candles on Twinkies and happy birthday, followed by a Tequila shot at Midnight and more singing.  Now, I DO NOT DO Tequila.  He and I had a bad one-night stand in college, and since then we just don't interact without Margarita mix.  Needless to say, it was not pretty and, to that point, I'd only had three and half drinks over five hours.  I was done.

There's also a new need.  A need to not be hungover or worthless the next day.  Besides, Sunday was my actual birthday and I wanted to enjoy the day.  I could have slept a few more hours but at 7am my eyes opened and I decided to get the day started.  What did I do?  I cleaned my house.  Seriously, it's the best gift I could give to myself, aside of a day off (today) to finish the job.  Later a could gay boys took me to yummy Mexican, I hooked up with Tequila again, in a Margarita, and then to the parade.  I wish I had taken pictures to share.  Laughing was the medicine I needed and I received it.  After wards, I we went to a gay bar (me in my brunette bob wig) where I had my butt grabbed twice and one telling me how much he liked it.  My response "Honey, I'm not what you think I am".  A compliment is a compliment!

I guess at the end of the day that my birthday is child-like and youthful, and I've begun growing out of it.  Not in a way that I will never dress up and go to parties, but in the "I want to celebrate my day in a new way."  Or, maybe I need to accept a new, exciting normal and I'm really just a big whiner who needs to dump her expectations.  What that "new normal" is I have yet to determine, but I can tell you the Big 40 is on the horizons and I'd like to be in a place to do something BIG with family and friends!

Hope you had a wonderful and safe Halloween!

xoxo

Perspective: I Am Truly Blessed

After a cold shower this morning I called the gas company to see what was going on with the hot water heater, as I cook breakfast just fine.  They said they'd send someone out.  And she arrived in a jiffy.  Impressive for the gas company!  I never got her name, but she gave me a dose of perspective that I needed, and you do too, probably.  She reminded me how truly blessed I am and that a woman is strong enough to do it all on her own.


My dad is a talker and I don't mean he just likes to talk, he will trap you, if you're not careful, unless you can come up with a creative way to depart without hurting his feelings.  This morning, Gas Gal, well, I think she just needed someone to listen.  So, after my near death experience with Angry Smelly Homeless Man, I felt God was reminding me....

Gas Gal hasn't had an easy life in her 60+ years (yes, she spilled her entire story to me).  She isn't a pretty woman but I could see in her powder blue eyes the years of hard work, suffering and yet, still, hope. 

After cheating on her, for what she thinks was years, her husband left her with a four and eight year old.  This was nearly 30 years ago, because she mentioned her daughter is now 37.  Her douche bag husband canceled insurance for her and her children and she came to work for the gas company - hey, utilities pay well and have great bennies plus pension (although State of Illinois owes millions and millions to people).  Smart gal - she raised her children on her own, one with autism and now in assisted living, and later met a man who would be her boyfriend for 21 years.  He passed away four years ago.

Since his passing she was rear-ended in a car accident leaving her with a back injury.  The gas company put her on painting duties - meaning she paints gas meters, and such.  Turns out Gas Gal was allergic to the fumes but after several months of exposure  the damage was done and she now suffers from a major respiratory problem.  The steroids leave her bloated and she was no doubt winded climbing to my attic to look at the water heater.  If that wasn't enough, the poor gal had four, count them FOUR abscessed teeth in the next year (I've had ONE and that was enough for me), leaving her with a few holes in her sweet smile.  Still, she laughed through the recount of her personal trials.  It was a cacophony of tragedy.  Every time I felt it couldn't get worse, it did. 

By the time we were in the attic, she announced that she has nine cats - six she found on the streets while working for the gas company and three she's been helping care for since a friend had to move in with her mother and the landlord won't allow them to stay.  She's had them for two years.  So, of course, because of Meow Mix we bonded.  As she slowly bent to her knees on the floor to look at the water heater, she starts talking about Dewey Readmore Books - the famous Iowa library cat for which their is a need-a-box-of-kleenex-to-read-book about.  It's fabulous.  Trust me.  Sniffle, sniffle (thanks to my cat-loving friend and namesake of Meow Mix*).

At that point, Gas Gal just started talking, and talking and talking.

As we made our way back down from the attic, I was somewhat annoyed and thinking I have so much to do today, and then I sensed that she just needed someone to listen.  I praised her for being such a strong woman, for taking a man's job, earning her way, fighting for equal pay, working hard and taking care of her children.  She told me her daughter married a buffoon but had his baby, anyway, at 37 and that there's more than enough years and opportunity for me (love her!).  Apparently this buffoon, aka beloved douche bag, with a British accent (how many times have woman been swayed by less?) had a criminal record for which he never told his wife and mother of his child.  He's apparently stuck in England because Canada rejected his visa after learning of drugs and the small incident of chasing his sister out a window while high as a kite and, after dangling for a moment by her legs, left her to fall two stories below.  Gas Gal, of course, took her in for convalescence.  Douche bag then threatened Gas Gal with her life if his sister wasn't returned to his family.  Wow!

From there it was an ever flowing cascade of children, grandchildren, great nieces and nephews, and cats, for which Gas Gal recounted each place she found them, their names (courtesy of her autistic, but brilliant son who managed to come up with first and middle names that roll off your tongue with a smooth perfection; like a song) and how she nursed them all back to health.  Her loss and hopes for retirement.  Fear of moving and having to release some of her beloved cats to rescue organizations and somberness thinking about her many trials. 

At one point, as she told me that she lost her boyfriend of over two decades four years ago, I felt tears and emotion rising in her.  She told me that she's been lost in mourning and a little depressed since the loss.  Oh, how I related to her in feeling lost!  Mine seems quite trivial after meeting Gas Gal.  Those who know me know that I was compelled to give her a hug, but I didn't.  Instead I told her that good things and many more blessings would be on their way, and that she is in my prayers.  I felt bad inching away from her to end the conversation, so I did and then stayed and listened a little bit longer to her story. What I heard was a woman, whose life has been full of so many, unexpected tragedies, find joy and happiness in her children, family and cats (like children).  We all have to find those things, those reasons to pull through.

Finally, she wished me well and apologized for taking up my time.  I said "You're not taking up any one's time.  It's been such a pleasure to meet you.  Have a wonderful day and enjoy this beautiful weather!"  With that, we parted.  I back into my apartment (which I now know has a load of violations against it!  Another reason to leave), and she into her gas van.

As a journalist, and a wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve-kind-of-gal, I've long believed that every single person alive or passed has a story.  One that will make you laugh; one to make you get up and sing; one that will make you pause and think; one that will cause you take action and one that will break your heart.  No matter the story they are all interesting and important.  They are our stories and lives, and they are all valuable.

So, Gas Gal, I saw you today.  I heard you and your story today and I will pray that you receive all the blessings that God, the universe, whatever you want to call it, so rightly wants to bring to you.  For me, you reminded me that my compassion isn't maybe as compassionate as I'd like to think.  That I, too, am guilty of not wanting to be bothered by anything that doesn't effect me directly or take the time to really hear someone.  You've reminded me that aside of my personal struggles and worries, that my life is all too blessed.  That the little things are what matter, next to family, and that through it all we have to keep on truckin' through life to get to that place of peace and grace of which we're being led. 

More importantly, you reminded me that it's important that we all take a moment to stop, look and listen to someone.  My father always says that one smile, one hello can change the outcome of someone's day.  Go do it, be it, and pass it on.

xo

My Heroes: Chicagoans

Have you missed me?  I've missed all of you!  Things have been a little nutty around here and to keep my head from spinning and turning into Medusa I've been really concentrating on getting some things off my plate.  But now....I'm back and what a way to come back....

Now, let me preface this all by saying that I've worked for and on behalf of the homeless for almost 20 years.  I've served meals, helped to raise money and awareness. Through this I've learned a lot about the homeless.  For instance, I know that many, if not a majority of homeless (including teenage runaway), choose to be homeless. Sounds weird, right, but it's not.  It makes sense...to them.  These people don't want to, or can't, handle the responsibilities of life. They don't want a job or pay rent, etc.  Then there are others who are mentally ill.  No one is looking for them because they don't know who they are let alone where they are.  Then there are those who simply fall on hard times and use every resource available to them to get back on their feet. The one thing almost all of them have in common is panhandling.  It's just that each group has a different approach.

In Chicago, there are even food voucher programs by where one can buy vouchers and give them to someone in need who can in turn use them to purchase food. This is just one of many ways that people are helping each day.  One organization, I'm on the board of directors of, seeks out those in true need on the streets, providing housing, food, clothing, psychological help, medications, living assistance and much more.  So, with that said I am a compassionate and understanding person when it comes to the homeless, but I also know that taxpayers provide services to help these people get back up on their feet.  If they want it, they can get help. I will not give money to the homeless, but if said man below approached me outside the restaurant, I would have bought a bagel for him....I am not completely heartless....

This morning after a coffee meeting I sat down at the bus stop to check CTA Bustracker on my phone (brilliant by the way!  Tells you how long before your bus arrives) when a man walks up to me:

Man: Excuse me, can you help me out?
E: No, I'm sorry, sir, I can't help you.
Homeless Man: Look, I'm homeless and just woke up in the alley.  I'm hungry
E: (Yes, you smell like you just woke up in the alley) Well, I can't help you but there are plenty of places you can go for help.  You can flag down any police officer and they have to take you to a place where you can get food and shelter.
Homeless Smelly Man: PO-LICE! Don't you go talkin' to me about no PO-LICE!  All I want is some damn money to get something to eat!
E: (I stand up and begin to step out of the bus shelter) Sir, I'm sorry I can't help you.  I work with and know of several organizations that can help you get what you need.  I only mention the police because they are required, when asked, to take you to a shelter.
Angry Smelly Homeless Man:  (approaching me) Just give me some DAMN money so I can get something to eat!  I'm homeless and hungry.
E: (Walking backwards towards the building, people are now walking by me...mostly men and as I look at them for help)
ASHMan:  (approaching me again, rambling) Don't be talkin' to me about no PO-LICE.  I did time in a penitentiary and I don't want to see no police ever again.  Do you know what it's like there?  I ain't goin' back!
E: (Great, the penitentiary.  I'm going to die and none of these fuckers walking by me, seeing me retreating from this man yelling in my face are doing a damn thing about it.  Here I am on a busy street corner, fuckers walking by like nothing is happening, fuckers sitting RIGHT THERE waiting for the light to change not doing a thing and I'm going to die and Angry Smelly Homeless Man is going to run off with my free refill of Panera coffee - half-caff, of course)
ASHMan: (approaching me still) I just woke up in the fucking alley, do you understand? And I'm hungry just give me some money to eat something. 
E: (I really wanted to yell at the man, but didn't want to increase the odds that he would kill me right there and then...AND trying to make an effort to get some fucker walking past me to intervene...) Sir, I'm sorry I can't help you.  I told you that there are people who can help you.  You're making me extremely uncomfortable (my back now pressed up against the building and people walking in between us on the sidewalk - HELLO!  DOES ANYONE FUCKING CARE THAT I WILL BE KILLED?)
ASHMan: I'm making YOU uncomfortable?  Just give me some damn money and I'll go away.
E: Seriously, sir, you're making me very uncomfortable and I will not help you.
ASHMan: FUCK YOU, then.  FUCK YOU!  FUUUUUCCCKK  YOU!

ASHM finally walks off to bother other people down the street and I am left, back against a wall with fucking Chicagoans who won't do a damn thing walking by me.  I am completely jolted, stunned and unsteady.  Seriously?  Not ONE person, not ONE man could or would stop to help a woman from being pestered by a a clearly unstable angry homeless man?  I will tell you this one thing: this would not happen in Kansas or back home in the Southern Plains states.  No way, no how would ANY man allow a woman to be put in such a situation without coming to her rescue.

Chicago has certainly changed over the years.  Where once it was the "BIG" city that Midwesterners flocked too, it's now a true melting pot of people who only flocked here after gentrification, after it became so pretty and nice.  Clearly none of them are from the Midwest and none give a rat's ass about anyone but themselves, and that breaks my heart.  Chicago is no longer a Midwestern city.  It has gone the way of other booming metropolises.  I'm so disappointed.  I love my city, but the people....I wonder, if this man had attacked me if anyone would have done a damn thing about it.

And so this is the first step in the slow process of breaking up with the city of Chicago; the best relationship I've ever had.  She was always new, exciting, passionate, sexy, and there when I needed her, but now things have changed.  I've changed.  I need more.

xo

Quote(s) of the Day

"A Jedi must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind. This one a long time have I watched. All his life has he looked away... to the future, to the horizon. Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing. Hmph. Adventure. Heh. Excitement. Heh. A Jedi craves not these things. You are reckless!" - Yoda

Yes, I quoted Yoda.  Shut up!!  Got hooked into the Star Wars marathon this weekend - damn it!  Gosh, I love those movies.  So many deep meanings and undertones.  Anyhoo! 

Since making the decision to move, which makes me so happy, I'm starting to not live for today but for tomorrow, what's to come.  It's so easy.  It's so easy to begin fantasizing about what will and could become even when it's months down the road.  At least I realize where I'm at, what I'm doing and can consciously stop myself from losing everything; dropping the ball on the responsibilities I have in this moment - the here and now.  And I've been guilty of doing this for as long as I can remember - always dreaming of what I want.  One of my favorite things as a child.  But, if you spend too much time dreaming you'll never get the things done that will get you to that place.  

I've waited for this epiphany to happen for so long, it's hard not to get excited.  I'm telling close friends slowly, and told my parents this morning.  How can you not get excited about redefining your life; starting over and knowing what you want this time around?  It's really fucking hard!  Besides, it's exciting now, but it will lose it's shiny newness at some point.  And then, something else fun will happen.  So, I'll help you if you help me to continue living in the moment; the here and now, and we'll all get to where we're meant to.

"For some strange reason, no matter where I go, the place is always called 'here'".- Ashleigh Brilliant

and for a some other sage words of advice and kickass quotes on happiness and faith, you've got to check out And This Is What She Said .

I'm Moving

The last two weeks have been enlightening and frightening here.  Just when I thought I was going crazy, something happened that forced my eyes open and question what it is that I really want in this life, and it's not in Chicago.

That's right boys and girls, Epiphany has made some big decisions and one of them is to move back to Kansas City, closer to family, give up my business, if necessary, and start fresh.  After all, I'm not a young pup, like I was when I picked up, moved to Chicago and didn't look back, but I'm not dead yet either.  The pull to be closer to family has really been quite strong over the last few years and, so far, none of my friends are that surprised, though there are a few more to tell.

Maybe the pull is a result of not being happy for some time here.  Maybe it's just time.  There are things that I want for my life that I am not getting here, most importantly a quality of life.

I love Chicago.  In fact, I've been having a love affair with this city since I moved here.  It doesn't leave much room to have a decent love affair with anyone else.  Problem #1.

I love having a business in the city where I can work from home because I can walk out my door and be in the thick of things.  Never a dull moment.  I'd like to find this vibe in my future new home, but who knows.

One of my gf's moved here from the South and told me that as much as she loves Chicago it's not the end all be all for her.  She just came because of a job and "poof" she found everything she's been looking for.  I can't say the same.  Aside of amazing friends, life just feels a little....empty.

We're so conditioned to have an "exciting life" in the big city, going out all the time, lip slutting around and that makes us fabulous.  Really, it's just kind of lonely.  It's definitely time for a fresh start.  The timeline: within one year.  And, I feel really, really good about this.  It's scary to think about starting all over again, but I need an adventure and have conquered my other fears about change.  This is going to be a great thing.  In the meantime, I'm still moving forward:

• Application for faculty position sent in - check
• Landed opportunity to teach a workshop for a local business organization - check
• Proactively contacted a recruiter in KC to begin looking for opportunities - check
• Still lip slutting around Chicago (why not share the love before I go) - check
• Sister1 has offered to let me stay at her house with hubby until I land something and get a job - check
• Official target date: Late June 2011, but could happen before that

With all of this said, I think I'm giving myself plenty of time to love the city one last time and prepare for the break up.  However, it might be best to rip myself apart from this place like a band-aid. Get it over with.



(Watch, I'll make all the plans to move and everything will fall in place here.  That would be my luck. Nah, this desire to go back is too strong.)

Crisis Diverted

Sigh.  Crisis diverted.  What craziness!!  The good thing is that it forced me to start considering my worst-case scenarios and you know what I found out?  I'm going to be just fine.  Fear is pointless.  There's always a back up plan - or five - and I'm quite happy with all of them.  In fact, some of these "back ups" are things I've seriously considered for a few years, so, if this was going to be the final straw for me it would have forced me into an interesting situation, or three, but nothing I hated.

You know, it's hard living your truth and putting it out here for people, including some good friends to see/read.  It really is hard.  I mean, first I have to admit this shit to myself and then put it out in the world.  The reason it's so hard?  Because as much as I say "I don't give a DAMN what people think", I actually do.  We all do whether we realize it or not. No one wants to look like a pathetic loser; a failure; a "I just couldn't cut it".  No one wants others to feel sssooo sorry for them.  No one.  We just want to be loved and supported as we go through this crazy thing called life, which is so different for everyone.  We all have different paths.  Mine has been filled with ego and stubbornness.

Yes, big, HUGE surprise, I'm stubborn.  I've sat here and made a thousand excuses as to why I can't go do something else, take a job, have the life I want thanks to a bunch of Franklins in the bank.  It's not a bad thing.  It can, in theory, buy happiness.  Who are we fooling?  I've worked so hard with this determination; an almost sick determination that I can't quit my business until I've tried and done everything possible.  The reality is:  after 10 years, FUCK IT!  And if anyone thinks less of me they were never my friend.

I have this feeling that this "test", of sorts, was meant to make me face my fears of failure and just say fuck it.  I did and I said it.  You know what they say about holding on to things too tightly.....You'll lose it all.  Now that I've relinquished myself there's a sense of freedom that's been missing.  Yes, this is what I've needed to stop living my life based on others' expectations on me and my life.  It just doesn't matter.  All that matters is that I'm happy.  For too long I've valued my business and work over life and I've lost.  Lost out having fun and traveling with friends and loved ones.  I can't get that time back. 

Now, I'm not going to say it's easy.  I mean that pride popped back up in me today, but as long as I realize it and say "NO", I'm good.  The alternatives are just as good, if not a ton better, than where I'm at now.

Today: an old client has returned and I think I might have a gig teaching some workshops.  Keep your fingers crossed.

In Need of a New Adventure

This afternoon I took some time off to go help pack and say goodbye to a super sweet and amazing friend, Ilena*. She's headed out west with her longtime boyfriend and a fresh start together. She will be sadly missed.

I'm not going to lie. Part of me envies that she is picking up, moving and starting a new adventure. It seems that's what I'm in need of - adventure....in something. The something is yet undefined but it's what's causing the feeling and need of something new, exciting and fresh. I'm not yet sure what form it will take, but that's part of Finding Epiphany; finding me.

I just seem to be all over the place and the stress and overwhelm feeling coupled with a major To Do List that still needs to be tackled, make me just want to pick up and run away. But, one can't do that and be healthy in spirit, heart, body and soul. Clearly this is my time of self-evaluation; to review why I do what I do, missed opportunities, lack of passion and more. I'm tired of missing out on life. I'm tired of doing things because people expect it of me. Guess what? It really hasn't worked out that well. I've sacrificed so much - traveling, love, and....time. Unfortunately, many of the things I want to do cost money I don't have right now (Step one: stay on budget). That becomes even more frustrating.

My soon-to-be-West-Coaster girlfriend and I were talking about how life has become so complicated. Technology is great, but when did things become so complicated? It's like everyone's running around, running somewhere, in a hurry. Worse, we're all completely overstimulated - yes, I'm in marketing and completely take part of the blame. I mean, seriously, I have five, count them 1-2-3-4-FIVE Twitter accounts I manage daily, three blogs, groups galore...sigh! Who has that much and who does it well without, oh client work and everything else involved in running a business? It's a beautiful blessing, but a curse for someone in my industry. We're expected to be so plugged in when all I really want to do is unplug. Ilena and I share the desire for something slower, more peaceful and not so overwhelming. She's going from music marketing to personal trainer and she will no doubt be amazing!

Moreover, it's summer in Chicago which means there are a million and one things going on at all times of the day and night. We don't really sleep here, but as I get older I care less about those things and more about getting rest! Have I mentioned I love to sleep? Can't function with out my hard eight...and a half. This weekend is a perfect example. There were so many things on my social calendar - all things I really would not have missed for the world, but I had NO time to do what needs to get done during a weekend. Instead, I came home Sunday night and crashed at 8:00p.m. I was exhausted! Yet, I had so much fun.

So now I'm really stuck with the feeling we all experience: days flying by, there just aren't enough hours in the day. We're on a go-go mission daily and we don't just stop to enjoy. A friend once said that he thought living in a city like Chicago would wear you down. Maybe it is, just a tad. Things move faster here. Days do, in essence, go faster. I can't tell you how many times I come into my home office at 7am only to look up and be amazed that it's already 3pm! The funny thing is that I'm single, no kids, no husband, no cooking major meals, and I still don't have the time. Go figure.

I also found out in the last few days that I'm not the only one I know doing some hardcore soul searching. It seems many of my friends are now wondering if they're truly happy and exploring their passions to be happy in career and life. That's very comforting. When you sit down to do something like write this blog, it sometimes feels like you're just hanging out there for the world to read, see and judge (let them, if they need to), so it's nice to know I'm not alone. Of course, the bonus is that the blogger world is pretty accepting and supportive. It's wonderful.

In fact, my gay boyfriend announced that he, myself and one of his friends are all going to move to Key West, open a business and star in a reality show - trust me, that bitch has NO problem whining and stirring up drama! It's a nice thought. I told him to call me when it's a reality - like business plan and moving arrangements made, not the show.

We all have times we want to just runaway. Maybe that's supposed to be the value of vacations - the one's you don't come home from exhausted in need of another vacation to recover. I'm lucky though. This time of year I rollerblade to the lakefront, park myself in my favorite spot, watch the sailboats and....get away from it all, at least for a few minutes. For now, that will have to be my escape, and I must say it's not a bad one.

Unfortunately, there's not enough time in the day to spend stay out there as long as I'd like. Isn't that always the story...