Ham in My Pants

Well, no surprise.  Somehow those 10 L.B.S. I was supposed to concentrate on losing over the summer turned in to 10 L.B.S. EARNED!  Really, it's my fault.  I wasn't motivated or just a little lazy this year.  (Trust me, if you need an excuse to not work out I've got about 1000 of them).  So, with one of my best friend's wedding encroaching in just a mere few days, I decided it was time to do something.  Nothing like waiting until the last possible hour of desperation to drop some weight. 

I recently purchased a pair of those Champion Stride 'n Tones from one of my secret places to buy shoes.  No, don't ask me where.  I won't tell you.  If I told you it WOULDN'T be a SECRET, now would it?  Bribe me all you want...well, depends on how good the bribe is...but...I digress.  I got the shoes for a steal, really a steal, because who wants to spend $75+ on a pair of shoes that may or may not give me the rockin' ass and legs I see on the TV model, who clearly hasn't worked to be fit her entire life.  Seriously, a trial is needed before serious investment.

Monday I took them for a stroll.  I was kind of stressed (don't act surprised) and decided to close up biz at 4:30 and go for a four+ mile walk to the lakefront, down and back.  At first I thought that two hams were fighting for possession of my ass with each step.  Then I realized, sigh, that it was really the fact that I had a full ham attached to each ass cheek and they bumped up and down as I walked - it's even worse when you're a fast walker like myself.  Still, I kept the faith that these shoes would indeed do what the marketing ploy says they will (Damn marketers!  Wait that's me)  So, I turned up the mp3 and just kept going hoping that no one would catch site of the delicatessen I was packing in my pants.  If only they were spiral hams and just fell apart as I walked....yeah, this is what I was thinking as I walked.

Believe it or not, after a while I started to feel the muscles in my quads and butt tighten a bit.  Even think my sad pathetic excuse for a core was positively effected as well.  I also noticed that the hams on my ass felt tighter as well - less flagrant bouncing up and down and more like they'd finally managed to be tamed.  OMG, my shoes are the ASS WHISPERER!

Since then I've attempted to make sure they're on my feet at all times, sans professional meetings downtown.  Slip on, slip off.  While like all things in life, there is no magic bullet to getting in shape, it takes, ugh, work, I am feeling rather good about my odds in the next couple of months.  If I don't take this off it's going to suddenly double over the winter months when all you can do in Chicago is eat and watch movies.  Baby, it's cold outside!

Maybe the BFF is right.  I should have just Lip Slutted my way to the flu and not eaten for a week!

xo

I'm Moving

The last two weeks have been enlightening and frightening here.  Just when I thought I was going crazy, something happened that forced my eyes open and question what it is that I really want in this life, and it's not in Chicago.

That's right boys and girls, Epiphany has made some big decisions and one of them is to move back to Kansas City, closer to family, give up my business, if necessary, and start fresh.  After all, I'm not a young pup, like I was when I picked up, moved to Chicago and didn't look back, but I'm not dead yet either.  The pull to be closer to family has really been quite strong over the last few years and, so far, none of my friends are that surprised, though there are a few more to tell.

Maybe the pull is a result of not being happy for some time here.  Maybe it's just time.  There are things that I want for my life that I am not getting here, most importantly a quality of life.

I love Chicago.  In fact, I've been having a love affair with this city since I moved here.  It doesn't leave much room to have a decent love affair with anyone else.  Problem #1.

I love having a business in the city where I can work from home because I can walk out my door and be in the thick of things.  Never a dull moment.  I'd like to find this vibe in my future new home, but who knows.

One of my gf's moved here from the South and told me that as much as she loves Chicago it's not the end all be all for her.  She just came because of a job and "poof" she found everything she's been looking for.  I can't say the same.  Aside of amazing friends, life just feels a little....empty.

We're so conditioned to have an "exciting life" in the big city, going out all the time, lip slutting around and that makes us fabulous.  Really, it's just kind of lonely.  It's definitely time for a fresh start.  The timeline: within one year.  And, I feel really, really good about this.  It's scary to think about starting all over again, but I need an adventure and have conquered my other fears about change.  This is going to be a great thing.  In the meantime, I'm still moving forward:

• Application for faculty position sent in - check
• Landed opportunity to teach a workshop for a local business organization - check
• Proactively contacted a recruiter in KC to begin looking for opportunities - check
• Still lip slutting around Chicago (why not share the love before I go) - check
• Sister1 has offered to let me stay at her house with hubby until I land something and get a job - check
• Official target date: Late June 2011, but could happen before that

With all of this said, I think I'm giving myself plenty of time to love the city one last time and prepare for the break up.  However, it might be best to rip myself apart from this place like a band-aid. Get it over with.



(Watch, I'll make all the plans to move and everything will fall in place here.  That would be my luck. Nah, this desire to go back is too strong.)

Dawn Arising

I love to sleep. I mean, I really love to sleep. It's one of my favorite things to do in life. Albeit, I hate when I wake up after a "niner" and still feel like I need more. So, although I'm thrilled that my landlord is finally coming over to finish work on my apartment (it only took a year), you can imagine how not thrilled I am to be up at 6am on a Saturday morning after a not so restful night.

Yes, I was told by him yesterday that someone would be here at 7a. Now, 8a on a Saturday I can deal with; 7a during the week is a strong possibility, but never, never, never on a Saturday morning.

With that said, it is so quiet in the city at the moment and the sun is starting to rise further in a clear blue sky. Last summer, I would actually get up and rollerblade along the lake to enjoy the sunrise. I would do it again, if only I fell asleep around 9p the night before, but who wants to be a big 'ol nerd and do that on a Friday night? Not this girl! Not every Friday! It is quite lovely and although I complain about it, I secretly love it. BUT, there is definitely a nap in my very near future. The Mayor has a party tonight. A veritable "who's who" of Chicago media and politics. His parties are always interesting, but I will require rest be for primping for presentation and mingling.

This morning, I am prepared to make my sleepy ass work to conquer a number of things on the 'ol To Do List. In case inquiring minds want to know, I'll be cleaning (it never really ends), looking at opportunities to teach either online or off (income), client work and managing my other blogs. Shwew! I'm determined to get this all done, including a nap and a few errands by 2pm.

Not so quick! It seems like a lot of time, but it never is.

Once, I Was Going to Be a Superstar

It's funny how life never quite turns out the way you thought it would. I do believe it's one of the few surprises we have, anymore, is not knowing what will happen. And, while I've actually been quite frustrated and feeling like I have no direction, an itch I can't scratch and absolutely no control over my destiny, it is suppose to be exciting.

When I was younger, I imagined myself a high-powered business woman in the corner office. Sure, I knew I'd work a lot of hours and make sacrifices but they were worth it. I'm a child of the 70's. The ability to imagine and make that happen is gianormous! I was raised to believe I could achieve it, be strong, independent and an overall bad ass if I wanted to, and I really wanted it, too, even through college. A friend and I talked often about the marketing agency we were going to set up and make the world turn on its heels. Yeah, I wanted it so bad I could taste it.

Obviously, it never happened. She returned to dancing, became a mother and wife and gave up the marketing industry, which is just as well because it's crazy and overwhelming everyday. I, on the other hand, continued that drive until recently.

When I first moved to Chicago I worked at a huge, international marketing firm and I loved walking out of my building on to Michigan Avenue lined with lights and thousands of passerbys. Every time I opened the door, stepped out, took a deep breath and looked up at the lights and the buildings I felt like Mary Tyler Moore. No joke. I felt so alive and happy, and I was going to become a powerful, but kind, successful business woman. Over time, though, I watch the head of the Chicago office. She was in her 50's, never married (except to the job), never had children, made a lot of money, worked late every night including Fridays, had a big job, but was that what I really wanted? Her life was work; the agency. I loved it, but I'm one who defines myself as so many more things.

I've worked really hard, and continue to do so, committed, or I should say totally over-committed to everything I'm involved with from running my business to outside pursuits. By the time I started my own business I realized that the idea of being able to be a power player in the corner office, manage a family, relationship, happy home, friends and family, was truly impossible.

Over the years, I've been offered those kinds of jobs and I've turned them down. Why? Because I felt like if I was going to work 12 hours a day, or more, like I do now, I want it to be from the comfort of my own home, not an office that I might as well move into and make my home, cat and all. What is the price of happiness? For me, yeah, maybe I should have done it to have a better financial situation but, arrogantly (I suppose), I felt a lifestyle was more important. Isn't that what everyone is seeking today? It's that balance of doing what you like, enjoy and even love from the comfort of your home, with discipline and tremendous success while maintaining relationships, working out and having a life. Foolishly, I thought that I could still be a superstar with my business. I still do in some ways because I know my industry inside and out, know what I'm doing and provide affordable services to small businesses, but, after all of these years it's just not the case.

Why do some people achieve this superstar status and others don't? What's the secret? What I do know is some people just have better luck...Trust me, I've looked into "The Secret", the power of attraction, motivational speakers and their checklists and more. I don't know what that magic elixir is, but the super stubborn side of me wants more than ever to find it; to not quit until I've done all I can - maybe I've run dry and not realized it.

Last night I actually thought about ending all of what I've created over the last 10 years and taking the corner office (so to speak) in my grasp. Somehow I just feel like I'd only be doing it for the money, but ironically, money would provide me what I need to discover more of what I want to do (however not the time), what makes me happy and to knock down my personal stumbling blocks. That SUCKS! And it's the truth. A fucking Catch 22.

I've always had faith that things would come to me, and they do. However, it's like I can't have everything at once. And I believe we're all where we're supposed to be to get to the next level, but at my age, looking at "the next level", well, let's just say it ain't anything worth writing home about.

In this pondering, I've noticed that everything coming to me, at the moment, is keeping me right where I am - more business, powerful contacts met - so I wonder if it's finally going to take off and what I feel is missing is a completely different aspect of my life, or if it's all a hoax . For now, I am where I am, not really a superstar, but I hope my friends and family think I am. Meow Mix certainly thinks I am, especially when I rub her belly. I am going to do what I can with what's presented in meditation and in chance. I'll let you know.

In Need of a New Adventure

This afternoon I took some time off to go help pack and say goodbye to a super sweet and amazing friend, Ilena*. She's headed out west with her longtime boyfriend and a fresh start together. She will be sadly missed.

I'm not going to lie. Part of me envies that she is picking up, moving and starting a new adventure. It seems that's what I'm in need of - adventure....in something. The something is yet undefined but it's what's causing the feeling and need of something new, exciting and fresh. I'm not yet sure what form it will take, but that's part of Finding Epiphany; finding me.

I just seem to be all over the place and the stress and overwhelm feeling coupled with a major To Do List that still needs to be tackled, make me just want to pick up and run away. But, one can't do that and be healthy in spirit, heart, body and soul. Clearly this is my time of self-evaluation; to review why I do what I do, missed opportunities, lack of passion and more. I'm tired of missing out on life. I'm tired of doing things because people expect it of me. Guess what? It really hasn't worked out that well. I've sacrificed so much - traveling, love, and....time. Unfortunately, many of the things I want to do cost money I don't have right now (Step one: stay on budget). That becomes even more frustrating.

My soon-to-be-West-Coaster girlfriend and I were talking about how life has become so complicated. Technology is great, but when did things become so complicated? It's like everyone's running around, running somewhere, in a hurry. Worse, we're all completely overstimulated - yes, I'm in marketing and completely take part of the blame. I mean, seriously, I have five, count them 1-2-3-4-FIVE Twitter accounts I manage daily, three blogs, groups galore...sigh! Who has that much and who does it well without, oh client work and everything else involved in running a business? It's a beautiful blessing, but a curse for someone in my industry. We're expected to be so plugged in when all I really want to do is unplug. Ilena and I share the desire for something slower, more peaceful and not so overwhelming. She's going from music marketing to personal trainer and she will no doubt be amazing!

Moreover, it's summer in Chicago which means there are a million and one things going on at all times of the day and night. We don't really sleep here, but as I get older I care less about those things and more about getting rest! Have I mentioned I love to sleep? Can't function with out my hard eight...and a half. This weekend is a perfect example. There were so many things on my social calendar - all things I really would not have missed for the world, but I had NO time to do what needs to get done during a weekend. Instead, I came home Sunday night and crashed at 8:00p.m. I was exhausted! Yet, I had so much fun.

So now I'm really stuck with the feeling we all experience: days flying by, there just aren't enough hours in the day. We're on a go-go mission daily and we don't just stop to enjoy. A friend once said that he thought living in a city like Chicago would wear you down. Maybe it is, just a tad. Things move faster here. Days do, in essence, go faster. I can't tell you how many times I come into my home office at 7am only to look up and be amazed that it's already 3pm! The funny thing is that I'm single, no kids, no husband, no cooking major meals, and I still don't have the time. Go figure.

I also found out in the last few days that I'm not the only one I know doing some hardcore soul searching. It seems many of my friends are now wondering if they're truly happy and exploring their passions to be happy in career and life. That's very comforting. When you sit down to do something like write this blog, it sometimes feels like you're just hanging out there for the world to read, see and judge (let them, if they need to), so it's nice to know I'm not alone. Of course, the bonus is that the blogger world is pretty accepting and supportive. It's wonderful.

In fact, my gay boyfriend announced that he, myself and one of his friends are all going to move to Key West, open a business and star in a reality show - trust me, that bitch has NO problem whining and stirring up drama! It's a nice thought. I told him to call me when it's a reality - like business plan and moving arrangements made, not the show.

We all have times we want to just runaway. Maybe that's supposed to be the value of vacations - the one's you don't come home from exhausted in need of another vacation to recover. I'm lucky though. This time of year I rollerblade to the lakefront, park myself in my favorite spot, watch the sailboats and....get away from it all, at least for a few minutes. For now, that will have to be my escape, and I must say it's not a bad one.

Unfortunately, there's not enough time in the day to spend stay out there as long as I'd like. Isn't that always the story...

The List: My Own Take 1

Dear Diane*,

I love and miss you and know that you and hubby are working on very important things like making babies, however, would really like to talk and discuss the list. Don't leave me hangin' babe! LOL Until you and hubby have completely exhausted one another, I will move forward with my own synopsis of the list one by one.

Love,
E


The first item on the list of things that make me happy is music. I love music. It's what makes the blood flow through my veins. I love to sing and used to a great deal of performing. I equally love to dance, and appreciate all kinds of music....even some rap, but not for the lyrics as much as the beats, rhythms and...sounds. It just makes me so....happy.

This week I've been working on a CD mix (remember Mix Tapes? I was the Master!) for friend's party. I looovveeedd working on it. Picking the music then selecting the order - there really are rules to this in order to make it sound just right. Every song flows easily into the next as if they were made to be played alongside one another. And, of course, you have to set the tone for the occasion. The best part, is handing the CD over, wrapped and tied with a bow (the most inexpensive, thoughtful gift, I think, you can give anyone) and waiting for the moment they slide it into the CD player. The moments of anticipation just tick away until the first song is played. Then "I love this song" gooshes from the recipient as the CD continues. Music brings such happiness and people love my CDs because they know I made it just for them.

I miss it. I miss singing. I miss writing music and lyrics. I miss performing. I was given a gift and have done relatively nothing with it. Sure, I've been given other gifts and talents, but this one....it makes me feel so alive.

During the day there are often times when I just have to sit down and zero in on getting a project done. It's during these times when I tune into my Jango.com account or rock out to my own play list. It gives me energy and I love everything about it from singing Gregorian chants and classical to rock and country. There's nothing like it. Nothing can feed my soul the way music does. And maybe, I sing on my own time and find a group, and maybe the rest of my life is spent appreciating the nuances in music that others don't catch and teach them about it - hopefully without looking like the big nerdy musical geek that I am.

It's the tops on the list so I know one thing - I've got to find away to sing and release that desire to do so pent up inside of me. I don't really care much about being a famous musician, rather I've always thought of my gift as an instrument to share incredible works of music for others to enjoy. Maybe that's being too modest (another thing I'm trying to give up - love my fam but not so grateful to have been raised SO MODEST! A little "I'm really great" never hurt anyone), but it is something I do believe as a musician. Others, just do it to feed their ego. I was pretty comfortable with myself to begin with and compliments...well, I'm still learning to be appreciative.

I'm hoping that this list doesn't now lead to creating another list for each item on the list. What did I just say? Yeah. While lists are my sanity in day-to-day life, I think more lists will just overwhelm and shut me down! Until my next post in a few days, I am going to try and sing more, even if it's just in my shower, which has great acoustics!

Speaking of Faith

Tonight I was at an event that I host each month. I got on the subway home, got off, checked CTA Bustracker to see how long the bus would be for my transfer...11 minutes. I sat down to wait. I played solitaire on my phone. The bus came, I got up, got on and got off at my stop only to realize that I had left my favorite bag, the one my best friend had given to me as a Christmas gift many years ago, at the train/bus stop with all of my things for the event and.....my wallet.

I checked the next bus arrival on my phone. 25 minutes. I walked the nine blocks as fast as my legs would allow me to go - my calves on fire, burning (of course bustracker was off, the bus went flying by me five blocks in). As I walked I cursed myself for not thinking. Of checking out the cute boy with the guitar strapped to his back instead of paying attention. I prayed "please God, please let someone be a good Samaritan." And...I cursed myself some more. I cursed myself for not paying attention, for being lost in other thoughts, and then I begged some more. Every time I cursed and begged I heard a voice saying "have faith." I replied, "I want to." I want to have faith, but I live in a city where something in such plain site could disappear in seconds, not moments. I got to the train/bus stop and there....more than 10 minutes later sitting in the same place was my bag under a bright light. No one could have missed it. Complete with wallet and all it's possessions.

I splurged for the six dollar cab ride home, exhausted from the emotion of it all. I thanked Him and in reply, I heard "Have trust. Ye of little faith."

It's time to listen again. To have faith again. To trust and know that He will never let me down, even as I go through this period of seeking. He is the one who's always got my back.

Hamster on a Wheel

Do you have those mornings when you get up and don't want to go to work? I've been having those a lot lately.

I know that I'm good at what I do, but I just don't think I love it anymore. The marketing industry has changed so much with the Internet and social media. It's different in good ways and others bad. It's not the same as how it was when I fell in love with my career. I feel the entire face of my industry has changed and while some of it is fun, most of it isn't. Most of the time I feel like a hamster on a wheel.

Since I started my own business it's always been an ebb and flow - work comes and goes. Every morning I swing my legs out of bed and jump off a cliff. There are no guarantees. It's stressful. You have to pay extra for taxes and health insurance....don't even get me started. At the end of the day I pay more out than I have to live on. It's depressing. Then again, most people don't do what I've done as a single or without a trust fund or family to invest. This has been all me and I'm tired of fighting alone.

I've always enjoyed working for myself, managing my time and having more freedom - although I can work seven days a week. One can say I like being the boss. There is a certain amount of control there. That I can control my career rather than have it decided by a potential pink slip - that is the reason I went out on my own in the first place, I was tired of the pink slip. Mostly, I enjoy the management and decided a few weeks ago that, until I figure out my next steps in life, I have to continue what I'm doing and change the structure of my business. That means outsourcing, which means I'll make less, but at least I know someone who enjoys certain elements of this work will get it done with joy and excellence. I can't say I have either of those at the moment. One thing at a time....

Now, I want to do anything but work. I'd rather watch Oprah, movies on Lifetime, write. In fact, this blog is the one thing I can't wait to get up and do each day.

I think it's mostly the doubt, the not knowing which direction my life is going. I still have tremendous faith that I will be led in the right direction, but it's hard. I've always believed that if you're doing what you're meant to then it comes easy. Life comes easy. It's not easy right now. I feel overwhelmed by it all and that makes me want to escape, rollerblading and sitting lakeside every day, all day (suppose, to meet my physical health goals, this is a good thing).

I always wanted to join the ranks of those who run, but with terrible knees running is literally pounding the pavement, and my joints, to shreds. Rollerblading is awesome cardio and, in the city, a mode of transportation. The best part is that I can take a break, sit along the lake watching the sailboats, or lay on my back listening to the sound of waves and watching the clouds pass by. I want to enjoy my career as much as I enjoy this.

Diane* and I have yet to discuss the next tasks regarding my Top 10 Things That Make Me Happy list. She used this same approach to find her new path in life and her guidance is priceless to me. I'm hoping that it will help sort out the plethora of thoughts in my head, calm me and give me the strength to take one more risk. In the meantime, I have to let go of how I think everyone else around me will feel about the decisions I make for my life and make them for me.

Step One: A List (the first of many)

The one good thing about knowing a lot of people is that one of them has gone through exactly what you're going through, and has survived to be the one person to hold your hand through it. That's Diane*. My fabulous Harvard JD turned professor gal pal.

We met about 10 years ago while in a performance group together. You can't not adore Diane. And the best part is, she used to live in her head like I am living in my head. Thoughts fluttering all around giving way to self-doubt and a desire to runaway from it all (no one's jumping off a bridge here - but headed back to my hometown for safety doesn't seem like a bad idea). Here's the difference, she conquered and came out the other end with the life of her dreams.

Since she moved to the west coast, Diane and I really haven't spoken as much. Thank goodness for Facebook. What a life jacket to friendships around the world! Friends who once seemed lost are found, and I can read what Diane is up to everyday. It's great. So, when I called her unfortunately it didn't seem we had too much to catch up on...(Facebook), but I dug my heals in and told her.....my truth.

I mentioned she's been through this, right? The gal had a phat job at a Chicago firm, an adorable condo, quit it all for the west coast where she knew no one, is a law professor on track for tenure, found her amazing life partner, a dog and hopefully, soon, a bouncing baby. She had a lot to say to me, and I'm sure there will be more to come, but for now, the list....

Diane's first recommendation to me is to create a list of 10 things that make me happy. 10 things! That's like a list of 1000 cut to 10. I'm guessing that eating chocolate chip cookie dough while sitting in a hot bath or a glass of wine (or three) after a long day isn't going to make the list. Along with the fact that I could lay by the lake for hours in the shade just watching the clouds. On with it...

The 10 Things That Make Me Happy (in no particular order)

1. Music
2. Writing
3. Consulting/teaching
4. Yoga/Rollerblading
5. Animals
6. Traveling
7. Volunteering/helping others
   
8. Connecting people
9. Entertaining
10. Being creative - sewing, etc.

I can say I do much of this already (because it makes me happy! duh), but deciphering it to find the answers I am seeking is another thing. This is the first step in reclaiming my life and finding my epiphany.

What's on your list?

Finding My Epiphany

This is my truth. At 36 yrs old I am a blessed woman - single, living in a fabulous international city, but not generally happy with my life. I am lost. Like a lot of people, I am a seeker. After a lifetime following, what I feel to be, other people's expectations on my life, I'm searching for where my life should be; where I want it to be.

I am broke (told you this is my truth), and when I mean broke I mean a load of debt from various culprits (clothing not withstanding) and starting a business, which I'm not even sure I want to do anymore. The marketing industry has changed so much and I just don't know if it's for me, but I'll get to that later. Moreover, I'm single. I realize that this is mostly of my own doing (a plethora of stories on the way), but I'm through with it. It's time to be honest with myself about myself and with those I love.

I'm through with the fear of just about everything in life. I'm tired of looking at the skidmarks life has left on my roadway; memories of all things shitty in my past and not remotely reflective of who I was back then, and clouding the vision of who I am today. If you knew me back when, I was so.....audacious. Nothing could stop me and now....I'm literally hitting my mid-life crisis before midlife! Like I said, I'm seeking. I'm seeking my own personal epiphany on life, love and career, and boy do I have a lot to accomplish!

I'm ready to become the individual I am meant to be - happy, find my "the one" and a career that I LOVE! More importantly, I'm ready to take the chances required to make all of these things happen. Are you with me?

Are you feeling lost? This will be therapeutic, not just for me but for all women (and men) out there searching for their true purpose, truth in life and true path. It is an epiphany by the best definition and it covers every aspect of my life and being (and possibly yours).

Why a blog. I am a writer. Always have been. Whether it was diary(s) as a kid, poems depicting heartbreak and the overall torture of being a teenager, or song lyrics and writing a lot for my career - I love to write. It is my therapy, and since I felt journaling all of this might cause my hand to shrivel up and die, I chose a blog.

So, take this ride with me. Over the course of the next year I will:

• Lose a few L-Bs(tone up) and KEEP it off. No more yo-yoing
• Find my "the one"
  
• Discover the career I am meant to have
• Uncover the root to all my "screwedupness" and openly challenge the ones I love to take this journey with me
• And pursue my passions
  

I hope that you will find in this blog the strength to seek and find your life and truth with me. After all, we're human. We travel in packs. We need one another.

Who am I? Just call me Epiphany.

This is my epiphany, and yours. We are all an epiphany in the works. I have faith in my epiphany, and so should you. I choose to remain anonymous because while this blog is about me, I know that so many people can easily relate to my daily challenges, reflections, inspirations and....epiphanies. We're on the road of life together. No one walks alone.

Always,
Epiphany


PS Only a very small number of people know who I am. To protect the innocent, and to preserve the likes of any relationship I might care to retain during my honesty purge towards epiphany, all names are either "in code" or changed completely.