Epiphany #1 - The Gift of Receiving

In my life I've had a lot of blessings.  It's funny, though, how a few experiences can throw you off track and all of a sudden "the luckiest girl ever" isn't so much any more.  As we get older we start thinking about things.  We beat ourselves up over choices, or the fact we got drunk the night before.  You wake up saying "Ugh...What was I thinking."  It happens to the best of us.  The trick is to not let it define your life.  I was not so lucky.

I have always felt guilty about breaking up with one of the best guys ever when I hit my senior year in high school.  I wanted to be free....well, that and I thought men didn't have the same emotions that women do (Thanks Dad.)  In truth, I think the fact that he always knew who he was, what he wanted to do, where he would go to college, what job he wanted and where he lived was something I couldn't deal with.  I was a free spirit, flying by the seat of my pants and taking life as it came; always someone who did what they wanted to do because it seemed fun.  Not because it would make me popular or win me some crown.  I just had no idea where I was going in life...it was yet to be determined, and I suppose I felt like I needed space to figure it all out.

In the end I devastated him, and in some ways I have never forgiven myself for it.  Not to mention the fact I almost immediately entered into a relationship with a guy who would turn out to abuse me - verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically.  That adds to the guilt.  I had something so special.  A one of a kind guy who thought I was the cat's meow.  There was no one else for him.  Of course, a few years ago, I paid for a background search, in hoping somehow he might take me back after all of these years, only to find out that he's married to a woman who's a runner, he has the job he always wanted and they have one child.  Chapter and book closed.  Still...I lament.  I know I shouldn't, but it's hard not to do when you aren't finding someone to spend time with; someone genuinely interested in you.  I want someone to look at me the way he did - those green eyes.....I still remember.

Over time, I began failing myself and being overwhelmed by others' expectations for me.  On my 32 birthday my aunt and uncle came to town (they once lived here while he was in medical school).  They announced their disappointment in their own children and that I was the last hope for the family name.  You have to understand that on that side of my family there is a lot of a pressure to be successful; to be or marry a lawyer, doctor, CEO, engineer, etc.  A LOT of expectation.  You can imagine my shock.  I love my cousins who are successful in their own right and married to fantastic women with beautiful children.  Mostly, I was surprised that my aunt would agree.  My uncle has always been a bear, of some sorts, just like my grandfather, who passed away before my parents were married.  In that family, men are honored and celebrated.  They're expected to be extraordinary and incredibly successful.  My mother had three daughters.  The pressure, apparently, is no less, but my Mom and Dad, due to their own circumstances, would not appeal to that "law".

I've carried that night and conversation around with me long enough.  Over the years, I've let it keep me down.  Instead I've replaced the opportunity for success with the fear of it.  Ironic since that's what I'm so stubborn and determined to achieve. That's what's fueled my fury to keep my business and to make it work.  In truth, I had to reach a point where I could let it all go and feel really good about it, before change in my life would happen.  My stubborn nature was forcing me to hold on to something entirely uncontrollable.

When my epiphany started was two years ago.  A friend I had become close to through a tragic situation repaid me for my love and also effort to help her achieve awareness for her business with a meditation class.  It taught me to let go.  To let go of others' expectations on my life.  To rid all of those people whose energy I've been carrying around with me.  Wow, what a heavy load!  My Dad, My uncle, the perfect boyfriend, the abuser, my mistakes, disappointments and stumbles through life.  I never realized how much it was affecting me.  Today, I have a better relationship with my Dad, I'm in a good place with the abuser, still miss the perfect boyfriend, and have learned to laugh or forget my mistakes and embarrassments. 

What I've come out the other side to learn is something my friend in recovery lives by: "Let go and Let God".  Nothing could be more true.  All of this time I've felt unworthy of receiving blessings and love in my life.  If only I could have been better.  Not made so many bad choices. Not gone through bouts of depression imposed by the pressure and possible disappointments the men in my life would see in me.  If only.... I've come to realize that my deciding to move to Kansas City, closer to family and a "safer", more familiar place (maybe thinking I could be a big fish in a little pond once more) was more about me letting go than actually moving.

I can tell you it's been a pretty powerful epiphany.  I see the world differently.  Instead of worrying about business, and knowing I can just give it all up for a job, business has begun to come my way.  It's coming to me in unexpected ways.  Clients may want to take a step back but all of them want to come back - a first!  And more over, past clients are coming back for smaller projects like consulting and even current clients are referring me all over the place!

When it comes to love, I became insecure.  I wanted them to like me so much; especially when I thought they were perfect - tall, good looking, successful, gregarious....- in time I simply shut down.  I shut down emotionally to the prospect of a real relationship. Maybe because they sensed my wall, maybe because they only wanted a certain thing, maybe because I felt undeserving after my poor choices, so I just made more poor choices in men.  And...there's always the defense that I knew, or believed, I would break up with them, so why move forward.

For the first time, I've allowed myself to be uncomfortable in order to explore the possibility of my heart and what God might have in store for me.  After all, He wants me to be happy and successful.  The Universe wants that for me, so why, even though I want it, did I not believe I deserved it.  Matt* was the first to treat me with respect.  He wanted to court me, taking his time to get to know me.  I still remember how it felt when we sat on the couch talking and he brushed the hair away from my face.  It was one of the sweetest acts I'd experienced in a very long time.  While it didn't work out with him because of his disease, alcoholism, I am confident it was God's way of slowly allowing me to experience how it should be.  To tell me "Hey, Idiot!  You deserve this!"  In every way, it gave me the strength to open up and receive from Steven - someone who gives me everything I need in a relationship.  This is what I've dreamt of.  If you were to ask me to make a list, everything he is would be on it.  It's not about what he looks like or the shag rug on his back, for the first time it's about who he is.  The rest was simply a defense mechanism which has kept me single for far too long.

Now that I've realized the beauty of receiving, it seems to be coming in all forms.  Today, I had lunch with a kindred spirit and the two of us immediately fell in love.  She's fantastic and I'm looking forward to working with and building a friendship with her.  We even spoke and shared about the power of opening oneself up to receive.

I am worried about my truth revealing itself to Steven.  I'm scared of what he may think and if he would leave me for it, but I can't.  Between now and the time that may happen is a lot of receiving that I can only believe will cure a number of those truths so they are no longer a factor.  He makes me feel like I can do anything and it all started with receiving him.

xoxo

Epiphany.....Has....A....Boyfriend!

After the pitch Friday morning, my colleague drove me to the airport.  My hope was to get on an earlier flight, but no such luck.  Southwest only had two flights out that day - 11:45a (of which I would have had 10 minutes to catch) or 5:00p.  I staid on the later flight, found a bar & grill just outside of security and parked myself.  After four hours, four glasses of wine and some lunch, I had made friends.  At one point I went to the bathroom to come back to a woman sitting next to my chair.  She introduced herself and said she heard I was a Kansas girl, "I grew up in El Dorado."  "Shut up!"  And we were in love.  I got her card and plan on touching base with her this week.  Everyone has some sort of Kansas connection.  I love it. Suddenly I realize I've got to get going and, in fact, running a bit behind for my flight.

I rush through security (well, as fast as one can rush through), hop on the train and get hustle my bustle to the gate.  SURPRISE!  Delayed almost an hour.  Fantastic!  I settle into a nice chair and then start chatting with the woman next to me who is crocheting a baby blanket for her daughter.  She was adorable and we had the best time talking.  The flight continues to change and with it text messages to Steven about my arrival.

E: Flight's delayed.  Won't get in until 7p.
E: Oops, I mean 7EST/6CST
S: What's wrong with you?  Were you born yesterday?
E: LOL just a long day and I'm tired (I'm not going to mention I had FOUR glasses of wine, the last of which was picked up by the bartender)
S: Just checking! LOL See you soon!!


Finally, I'm on the plane and surprised of how many people don't check a bag.  Southwest doesn't charge for bags and yet everyone brought a bag on.  There is little room and with some negotiation and the kindness of strangers I get small, bright pink bag into the overhead bin and score a window seat.  I was sssooo excited for a nap.  And. then.....the guy behind me is talking and the direction and volume of his voice is going directly into my ear.  It was so loud I couldn't help but listen to the conversation.  Turns out a Mormon was sitting in the middle seat and the two of them had a full on conversation about God and religion, particularly Mormonism as the guy was clearly proselytizing, saying things like "Well, the Bible leaves out so much and the Book of Mormon fills in the blanks."  Really?  You really believe that the Book of Mormon is better than the Bible.  Really? "You know we have temples all over the place and we're just so much more faithful to the word than most Christians."  Okay, NOW, I am going to slap the shit out of you.  Shut. UP!  I'm trying to sleep.  And....you're kind of ignorant.  Ugh...I mean, I don't mind it but they were both SO LOUD and I just wanted to sleep.  Not to mention the fact I could see that the two people next to me who were Jewish, were clearly uncomfortable.

I manage to get a few minutes of shut eye and still wake up completely annoyed.  Grouchy even.  I text Steven when I land.  He BETTER have parked his car, walked his ass in and is waiting to greet me at baggage claim. (See!  I'm totally grouchy!)  That doesn't turn out to be the case.  "I've got to drive around again..."  Awesome.  Thanks.  I'm hoping that now that he knows I'm into him and this relationship that the thoughtful gentleman hasn't ridden off into the sunset without me.  "K" was all I could respond.

I walk through the sliding doors and out into the cold.  Haul my ass and luggage, in my work outfit and stiletto boots, across the drives to the pick up lane.  I'm so annoyed I can't even watch for his car so I get on my phone and start reviewing email.  What? I'm tired. I get grouchy when I'm tired and I won't make any excuses for it.  It just is.  HONK! and he's right in front of me.  "Hey, baby, looking for a date?"  I look up, see him smile, smile in return, throw my bag in the back seat and climb into the warmth.  "Hey..." he says gingerly in the warm, sexy way he has.  I giggle, smile and say "Hey" in return.  He kisses me and the grouchy starts to melt away.  He asks how the trip went and I admit I'm a little grouchy.  "Well, I'm taking you for ice cream and that will make it all better."

I flew into Midway airport on the South Side of Chicago.  Conveniently, Steven is a man of both sides of town having lived on the South Side with his dad and where he went to technical college.  We drive further South. I have never been down here before.  It's funny and sad really.  Chicago is such a huge place that most of the time you just stick to your side of town.  There's really no need to go south if you don't need to.  The South Side, however, is more like suburbs than city.  There are shopping malls and parking lots everywhere.  The North Side is too crowded for much of this.

We pull into a small shopping center and I see the sign, once neon but now doesn't work, "Gerties".  "I used to work here in high school and I've been dying to come down here.  That's why I offered to pick you up so I could come down here."  "Reeaaallly, that's the only reason you offered.  Glad I could be of help!"  We both laugh.

Gertie's is a blast to the past. Red, worn velvet booths are everywhere with long slim tables in between.  Stuffed animals hang from the ceiling and a lllloonnngg counter on one wall sells candy and then ice cream.  He decides on a Banana Split.  I don't want too much and order a cup of Pistachio Almond.  Steven's hands ease across the table to grab mine.  When I look up he's looking at me.  Smiling.  His sweetness is overflowing and I can tell the time away has caused him to miss me...a lot.  "Did you miss me?"  "Oh, maybe a little.  I was just so busy this week I didn't have time to think about you."  He laughs at my sarcasm, and we are always sarcastic with one another.  "This place has changed," he says.  "It's definitely not the same place I worked at or where everyone hung out."  Our order arrives and we both dig into his Banana Split.  "Even the ice cream doesn't taste the same."  I can tell he is really bummed.  In his mind, he had probably been so excited to share this with me only to be totally disappointed.  Eventually we finish up and start the long drive back to my house.

Once in front, he decides he's gotta do the "man thing" and carve a parking spot out with his all-wheel drive car.  Even though there are like two clear one's in front.  A boy and his toys.  I will never understand.  This leaves me, again, to heaving my bags through the snow and ice in stiletto boots up to my apartment.  Ugh!  Inside, I drop the bag and immediately change my clothes.  By the time I'm done, Steven is walking in the door.  He removes his coat, comes to me, wraps his arms around me for a kiss that could light a fire of soaked wood on a rainy night in a forest.  We hug, talk and then chill on the couch.  Things lead to other things, and I'll leave it there.  We didn't really close the deal.

The next morning was a different story.  Sufficed to say, we actually were able to achieve "sealing the deal", which I was a little concerned about.  Maybe he's nervous, E.   "Gosh, I'm so nervous with you," he says as if reading my mind.  An hour later, both famished we decide on brunch.  I hopped in the shower and he left to do the same.  Within an hour he was back at my door...smiling.  "How about Dim Sum in Chinatown instead?"  "Sounds great. I've always wanted to do that and never have."  "Girl, you need to get out of your hood an explore this city!"  "Yes, I know.  Tell me about it. This will be great. I'm very excited."

In the car on the way down we talk.  Steven doesn't listen to the radio in the car, at least not when I'm in it, he doesn't own a TV.  He reads, writes and apparently is a budding entrepreneur inside.  He tells me about his "ideas" and how much he loves his job - the benefits and all - but that he doesn't do anything unless something major happens.

S: "I'd like to have a job like yours.  You think and use your mind.  I have so many ideas and things I'd like to do but don't know where to start."  When he starts talking about this, I sense an childlike shyness; an insecurity.  He's so confident in who he is, to see this shift softens my heart more.  He's being vulnerable with me.
E:"I can easily help you with that.  Tell me your ideas."  He does, and indeed he has some solid business ventures budding in his mind.
E: "You can do anything you want to do if you ask for help," I say.
S: "Awesome, my girlfriend is going to help me bring these to life!"
E: "I'm sorry what did you call me?"
S: "My girlfriend."
E: "Okay, just checking that I heard you correctly."  He smiles.  "So, my girlfriend has invited us to dinner with her husband next Sunday night.  Are you available?"
S: "Sure.....gosh it always gets so weird when people start asking what I do because I can't really say.  I'm, like, invisible."
E: "Just tell them your a federal officer and leave it at that."
S: "Yeah, I guess I could.  Then they think I'm a mall cop or security officer."
E: "Let 'em.  You can even tell them that you carry a water pistol and you got your badge on the Internet or out of a Kracker Jax Box."  He throws his head back and laughs.  I know I've made him feel better about it.  "But believe you me....I'm a journalist and sooner or later I'll put all the little tidbits you give me together to come up with the whole story."
S: "I have no doubt you will."

Dim Sum and then some! My word!  If you've never had Dim Sum, the best way to describe it is  Chinese Tapas, except there is no waiting.  You sit down at the table and the carts are there in seconds, perfect for the two of us about to gnaw an arm, or at least a finger.  Steven's eyes are clearly bigger than his stomach.  He takes six dishes from the carts as they come around.  I take one of everything and stuffed.  He continues to eat, we talk and finally I persuade him to take it home.  There's something nice about finding someone you can just be with.  Silence is golden and we just don't have to talk all the time.  I mean, we're never short on conversation, but in the car, at the restaurant, we can just....be.  Neither one if feels the need to have to keep the conversation going at all times.  Most of the time, he just sits and looks at me.  WHAT?  What is going on in that mind of yours?  I can't figure it out!  Just tell me already!  But I know he won't and I will continue to say "WHAT?" every time he does what he does.

It doesn't bother me, really.  Steven's eyes are warm and there's passion there.  I have a photo of him that I took off his profile.  It is the best representation of him.  Head tilted wearing a baseball cap with a half smile and his intense eyes looking directly into the camera.  That's him!  I saved it to my desktop so I can look at it.

In our phone conversation Wednesday night I noted that I had removed my profile from the dating site but noticed his was still up.  He laughed.  "It shouldn't come up.  I 'hid' it."  "Hmmm...well maybe it comes up for me because we had emailed."  "Maybe."  Today I said, "So you're profile still up online?"  He laughs.  "I just secured my girlfriend.  I'll work on it."  By Sunday night he announced that he's finally figured out how to delete his account.   Awesome!

After Dim Sum we walk around Chinatown popping a cooking store, where he bought several things cuz, you know, he's going to take a cooking class.  LOL I can't believe how cheap everything is down here.  Seriously, things sell for at least three times the cost in bigger retailers.  He buys me a knife sharpening block for $4, several large knives and an apron I found hilarious "Beware Man Cooking".  Then we were off to an herbal store.  This place is insane.  They have teas and supplements to cure every ill and we're in awe.

With the most confidence I've ever seen, Steven walks up to the guy at the counter and says "Do you have that herbal viagra stuff?"   

WHAT?  LMAO!  Oh. My. Gosh.  I have no idea what I've gotten myself into.  I'm going to become a sex slave that he's going to keep tied up in his house.  Later, when he's through with me, he'll chop me up in little pieces with his new knives and cleavers and then bury my remains in some remote area of the airport. And he'll get away with it because he's a cop with a sweet face and they'll never suspect him!

"Sure, we've got it.  How many packages do you want?"  "Just one for now.  How much?"  "$10."  "Wow, that's awesome."  "We have delivery too.  You just call us and we get it to you next day."  "Awesome, can I get a card?"  I'm am totally dying right now!  "Will that be all?"  "I don't know, let's ask the Missus.  Babe?"  WHAT?  Missus?  My mind is reeling.  It's been so long since I've had someone like this.  Someone who wants to be in a full fledged relationship with me and apparently is thinking LONG TERM.  The man has a plan for me. I know this is what I want, but it's just crazy now that it's staring me in the face.  The reality is somewhat frightening and then absolutely hilarious!  Not to mention the fact that I never thought I would be the kind of girl who likes to be called "Babe", but it turns out I really am.  "Uhm, no, I'm good."

We stop by a few more shops and then head back to his house to watch a movie.  The walk through the neighborhood was supposed to wake us from the food coma Dim Sum left behind, but it hadn't worked and I was fading fast.  Probably doesn't help that you don't sleep well with the freight train sawing his way through dreamland.  Anywhoo...we arrived at his, I snuggled up under the blanket on the couch.  "I'm going to make some orange juice."  "Okay".  An hour later he had two glasses of orange juice.  That's a lot of work for two glasses.  I had attempted to sleep but his tenant upstairs was blasting her music and the bass shook his apartment.  "Doesn't that drive you crazy?"  "No, not really."  "Wow, I would be banging on her door saying 'Turn that shit DOWN' in two seconds."  He just smiles and cuddles on the couch with me.  I, to no one's surprise, am still tired.  I need to get some sleep!

We enjoy the OJ, which was incredible.  I watch him play online Texas Hold 'Em in which he has won over $600,000.  No, this isn't real money.  One of his friends called and asked what we were doing for Valentine's Day, "We don't need one day. We're going to celebrate everyday."  Hmmmm...nice.  "We had a huge meal otherwise we'd be happy to meet you and your man for dinner.....okay...well have fun...."  Then we watch "The Social Network".  The movie has him thinking and he, again, starts talking about his ideas, dreams for his life.  I tell him I'm happy to help him get started and point him in the right direction, but I don't want that to become the focus of our relationship, "I don't want to be the girl you pity date because I'm helping you start a business."  "Never.  You will never be that to me, babe." Okay, we'll see.  But I am still going to tread lightly.

We went to bed and he woke me up at 4:30a freshly showered and ready to go to work. It was nice to wake up to him, his hand sweetly caressing my face, "Babe, time to get up." I got dressed and wondered out into the dining room where he was continuing to prepare for work.  Mmmmm.  I smile.  A man in uniform. Yum!   He grabbed his huge camo backpack and other bags and we were out the door.  When I came in, I fed Meow Mix, washed off in the shower and went back to sleep before church.

Steven came over on Sunday night and...WOW, is all I am going to say.  "What are you doing tomorrow night?  Want to get together for Valentine's Day?"  "Sure."  "Great, I know exactly where I want to go." "I like a man with a plan."  "Oh, I've got plans, baby!"

xoxo

Pittsburgh

It was really nice to have me time during the week to prepare for Pittsburgh.  Not to mention I had other work I really needed to zero in on and accomplish without distraction (aka Steven).  Boy one kiss and I want to rip his clothes off.  How. Does. He. Do. That?  And that's exactly what I did.  I got a lot of shit done.

Over the last couple of weeks I've been bringing on interns to help out with stuff like social media and event planning, and still looking for one who can come in during the week for pitching.  It's a super big help and takes some weight off my mind.  I'm the kind of person who loves to be busy, but then, when there's so much I become paralyzed.  I don't know where to start.  At that point I give up and walk away until I get a game plan together.  It's really weird and I'm highly aware of that fact.  In some ways, I'm getting everything I want but the fear gets me.  Who is afraid of success?  E....it's crazy!  

The other good thing about having my time is that I can do all of my secret girly stuff - olive oil treatment for my hair, getting my hair cut and highlighted, painting toe nails and of course, taking care of Aunt Flo for her monthly visit.  She decided to show up Wednesday night.  Great!  I'm going to be cramping and lightheaded for my trip which means I will not be showing up to this pitch at 100%.  More like 75%, if I'm lucky.  

I will admit I was a bit nervous for this trip, but talking with Steven on the phone for 2.5 hours Wednesday night helped me forget about it.  I am a big fan of being able to talk on the phone and feel it's important for couples to be able to express themselves in person, by letter/email or via phone.  For me, I suppose it's all those times I watched couples I admire be far apart for long periods of time due to work or family emergency.  They were forced to have a relationship by phone.  So, if a guy doesn't want to talk on the phone....well, we either have to work on it or not.  It's like hugs.  Hugs can be so incredibly intimate and yet most men are like fuck the hug.  Take off your dress.  Steven is a tremendous hugger!

Thursday arrives and my morning call was rescheduled, so I literally had the whole morning to get my shit together, but.....because of Aunt Flo I was moving slow and in a haze.  Before I knew it I was running late.  Can't take the train.  Now have to catch a $30 cab.  GREAT!  I'm bleeding money.

Once in Pittsburgh, my colleague and I rented a car.  We got in late so it was night time there.  However, there was just enough snow on the ground to reflect what little light there was from cars on the highway to allow me to get a glimpse of the terrain.  Huge bluffs everywhere.  It wasn't long before we came up on the edge of town and I could see how this city had built itself into these bluffs.  It was quite lovely.

Every time I go somewhere new I always wonder what I would be like today if I had grown up and lived in that place.  My colleague is a wealth of knowledge, or as he says "an intellectual trash can," and so he gave me some insight to my query.  Apparently Pittsburgh has it's own language called Pittsburghese.  Honestly, they have their own dialect and language that is specific to the area.  For instance, they don't say Steelers, it's pronounced "Stillers".

I quickly learned that even though I've grown a hard shell living in a big city it might be much thicker should I have grown up in Pittsburgh.  "You may know how to handle yourself in the city but you're still a Midwestern girl with heart," said my colleague.  And he's right.  Just then "You're in for a real treat, E."  Oh goodie!  I love a treat! And with that we entered the Pitt Tunnel. As we exited a mile or so later my breath caught.  My eyes were lit up with what seemed to be a hidden city tucked in among the Allegheny Mountains.  The bridge was beautiful and artistic, the lights of the city were everywhere.  They danced and reflected off the snow and river below.  It was indeed a treat and a mental picture I won't soon forget.

We got to the "hotel", or as I say the stinkiest Quality Inn I've ever been in, located in the university area - I had no idea that Carnegie Mellon and Pittsburgh were literally across the street from one another - and I dropped off my luggage while we waited for my colleague's 79-yr old sister to come pick us up.  She was a real treat.  A firecracker who gives 79 a good name.  She's independent, outliving two husbands, and has a quick wit.  I loved her.  At first I was worried that I "Pricelined" my hotel too far away from downtown (only about 2.5 miles away) but she told us later that downtown shuts down around 6:00p.m.  So my hotel was perfect.  She took us to a little place in the heart of it all on a cute street that was so steep I thought the car would tumble backwards from gravity.  But it didn't.  A couple of martinis and a burger and I was out for the night.

I didn't sleep all that great so the next morning was a struggle.  I managed to iron my clothes the night before, which was wise because I was moving slow....again.  Finally downstairs and into the Panera, located just under the hotel, a bagel and some Earl Grey tea and we were off.  I wasn't that nervous, but I was feeling a bit on edge.  Thankfully I had done my research on the players in the room.  While my colleague went to the bathroom and got some coffee, I walked in to the conference room and introduced myself.  Immediately, I noted the man from Oklahoma City and mentioned I grew up in Kansas.  Turns out that he went to K-State and Hutchinson Community College and had even lived in my hometown.  That really broke the ice and others joined in the conversation until my colleague arrived and we got started.

All in all, I feel the pitch went well.  I knew that we were in the lead going in but I didn't realize just how much they favored our direction until the Q&A began.  It was more like a planning meeting about moving forward than part of the pitch.  We shall see.  I don't want to get my hopes up but I am hopeful we'll get it.  It would be my largest client and bring in some money to help pay down my debts.  However, I have to keep thinking that if I don't get it, I will still be okay.  Everything has been changing in my life lately and it all started with opening myself up to Steven.

Over the years, I lived in my past.  I've had regrets for breaking hearts and such.  Mostly for breaking one heart for a guy who would end up abusing me.  It's as if I felt I didn't deserve God's blessings and so I blocked myself from receiving.  No more!  I am open and ready.....finally.....

xoxo

Super Bowl "Party"

I was excited to meet Steven's friends at the Super Bowl "Party".  I put it in quotes because it wasn't really a party, more like some friends getting together at a bar.  Nonetheless, he wanted to introduce me to his friends.  That is a step in the right direction.

Dressing to meet someone's friends, especially when you know a lot of them are women, is tough.  We women are so critical of one another and I truly believe that on most occasions we actually dress for other women.  Ourselves, but for other women.  Women are the one's who will compliment you on how you "cute" you look or give a "I LOVE those shoes, where did you get them."  There's no better compliment.  Some guys can say it, like my gay boys, but straight boys just think you look hot and that's it.  Yeah, that always makes you feel good, but there's something about a compliment from another woman.  It's almost like jealousy!  LOL  I went for cute casual, pairing jeans with a winter white sweater with a zipper on the neck to the shoulder blade and brown boots, and decided it didn't really matter.  They're either going to like me or not.

Steven came to pick me up and we were off.  I've noticed that when I'm with him I just let go, meaning I don't ask where we're going, what we're doing or try to control his driving with directions.  I trust him and just go with the flow.  We ended up at a bar in Old Town I've never been too and proceed to get a seat.  I don't ask about his friends, but soon realize it's only a couple of us and the one woman can't come.  Soon, it's me and one of his guy friends.

This guy is interesting, I would learn.  He moved here and his gf introduced him to Steven, who took him under his wing and showed him the city.  He and I quickly have several things to talk about and decided to trade business cards. Overtime, I begin to notice that every time he and I start talking, Steven would slowly reach out to put his hand on my knee.  I really like that he's so affectionate, it's something I really need in a relationship.  Call it reassurance but I like to know my man is into me, even in public.  But this was a little different.  When I looked at his face there was an intent there as he gently touched me but his face was hard as he looked straight ahead at the TV screen.  It was serious and I believe I got a glimpse of what he would be like on the job in an urgent situation.  It was like there was some competition there....for me.  Geesh, he should just lift his leg an pee on me.  That would show the other dogs who belongs to who. We all decide to root for Green Bay, and good thing we did.

Sitting in front of us were just the kind of douche bag guys I would normally be attracted to - good looking, really fit, dressed well....HOT!  I watched them but secretly liked that I didn't have to worry about trying to catch their attention.  These are the guys I would typically date who just want you to look good and be good in bed.  They don't want to talk.  They don't want to know you, because they don't know themselves.  They're so busy trying to be cool that they only see the world in one way - they're way. Or I should say that they're living life the way they think others think they should be living life - cool, getting action and without regard to anyone else.  They were definitely in their 30's but acted like they were 24 getting completely wasted on a Sunday night and making complete fools of themselves.  It wasn't long before one of the guy's girlfriends got pissed and took off.  He went after her but she wanted nothing to do with him.  Good for her. 

The game ended and we left.  We took his friend home and Steven opened up to me about him.  Apparently he's CHEAP.  In fact, he ate and drank and then didn't offer to pay.  CHEAP! Moreover, it seems that he's not an ethical business person and has been known to rip his clients off to get more commission on what he sells.  No thank you!!!  I thanked him for telling me and that I would proceed with caution.  Furthermore, if the fact he never pays shows total disregard for Steven's friendship then the fact that he has been a "girl stealer" solidifies it.  Steven told me stories of when they would go out.  He would meet a girl and start talking to her, walk away for a second and his friend had already moved in on her.  It's like Steven was the warm up act.  I could feel the animosity towards his friend and it's like he was getting angry all over again.  Sitting there in the car, I couldn't help but wonder why he would choose to invite this friend to be the first to meet me.  Then I realized that in Steven's mind he was showing his friend that HE won in the end.  

That night we came back to my house for a bit and I told him that I wasn't going to be able to see him until Friday night.  I simply can't afford to get completely wrapped up in him, letting my mind daydream about what might come.  The focus has to remain on me getting done what I need to do for ME!  And it's quite a bit to accomplish, but winning this new piece of business would help....A LOT!

I kind of felt bad because we'd had a couple of attempts of trying to seal the deal without the desired outcome, so I didn't want him to think I was walking away, but just needed to get my own shit done.  Not to mention the fact I had just spent $500 on a trip to Pittsburgh to pitch this new business, so I'm sweating the financial situation a little.  YEAH!  I know!  It's really, REALLY rare that a company asks you to come to them to pitch and then doesn't fork over the money to get you there.  Ironically, the organization is HQ'd in Chicago.  Go figure.  In the end I resolved myself to believing that God would not give me the opportunity if I couldn't handle it....financially.

I walked him to the door.  He lingered taking every kiss he could get and then he was gone.

xoxo

Delayed Details

Hey, gang!  I ended up on the phone with Steven for 2.5 hours last night (my writing time), so no story about Sunday's Super Bowl party just yet.  Promise...it's coming.  I was getting a little concerned that he wasn't calling me so I texted:

E: Hey, do you miss me yet?
S: Uhm....no! :)
S: Of course I do, babe!

So then I called him, hoping he would feel more confidence in calling me.  All I can say is that we laugh as much over the phone as in person, and he shared his entrepreneurial ideas with me.  I told him I am more than happy to guide him through it, but I'm not going to become a girl he pity dates so I can help him with his business ideas.  He laughed.  Much like the guy I dated who, once he met my cat, really just came over to hang out and love on her.  She's extraordinary, no doubt, but I felt like a single mom whose boyfriend was afraid to break up with her because he loves her child more than her. 

So, I'm off to Pittsburgh.  Whether I will go to Chuck's viewing is still up in the air (he's from Pitt).  I don't do viewings very well.  Maybe it's just me, but I don't get the concept of "the viewing".  I don't want my last memory of him to be in a coffin.  We'll see.....but I'm doubting it.

Steven is picking me up at the airport tomorrow night and has a plan for the weekend.  I like a man with a plan.  I think I'll ask if he has a plan for me - via "He's Just Not That Into You" (aka one of my bibles!)

Cheers and details to come!

xoxo

Steven Opens Up....

You should all be relieved.  I felt SO different with Steven tonight and even better by the end of the night. It was amazingly comfortable and easy.   

He picked me up at 5:40p and, as per usual, I was ready to go and peering out my living room blinds for him.  I watch him park his car and get out wearing that DAMNED fur hat!  Ugh, I hate that thing!  We head to the grocery to pick a few items for the dinner I was making him - Seared Scallops with thin multi-grain spaghetti with tomatoes, garlic, Parmesan and olive oil accompanied by spring greens lightly drizzled in olive oil.  At the store, he followed me, as I walk very fast and determined.  I had several things for this recipe already at home, packed them in a recyclable grocery bag and brought it with.  Produce, fish counter, dairy and wine and head to the self check out.  I ring everything up and the clerk says "Do you have ID."  I turn my back to show her my ID and then carefully place it back in my python card case.  As I turn around, Steven is running his card through the machine to buy the food.  "This was supposed to be my treat."  "I know, but I wanted to." "Okay, that's very nice of you," I whisper "but you didn't have to." He looks at me and smiles.

Back towards the car and Steven grabs my hand again.  He's always, always holding my hand.  We get in the car and make the trek back to his house.  As we drive in the snow we spin and turn - this guy knows how to drive! "I love this car.  All wheel drive rocks!" I laugh at his purely manly enthusiasm as I grip the card door hand thinking it will actually protect me in an impact.  I'm more concerned about the other people on the road then Steven.

As we pull up to his house, the street is clearly a mess and yet he just plows right through it all.  In Chicago there is this long standing tradition that once you've done the hard work of digging yourself out of the snow, you reserve the spot with a broom, folding chair, desks, you know, whatever happens to be handy.  This street is no different.  It's comical, really, until someone steals your stuff and your parking space.  Once inside and stripped of all wet outerwear, I head to the kitchen and begin taking everything out of the bags and positioning them on the table island.  He opens the wine while I take roasted pepper hummus and spread it on a plate, microwave for 20 seconds, drizzle some olive oil, fan multi-grain and flax seed crackers around it and present it to him as The Appetizer.  He loves it and comes around to give me a hug as thanks....with a mini make out.

As I get everything ready his idle hands are all over me and I decide it's time to put them to work, "You'll manage the pasta, because I know you've got that down, and I'll do the rest." "Ok," he says with an attempt at another make out.  "Get to work!!"  I grab the tomatoes and garlic and ask him for a knife.  Boy does he have a knife.  Chef grade.  It sliced through a tomato perfectly.  "This is an amazing knife.  Where did you get it."  "Work." "Oh right because you need to have them for work." Laugh. "No the sales reps come in to sell to the airport restaurants.  I bought a few."  "Oh, yeah, that makes sense." "Hold that thought."  He comes back moments later with another knife, exactly like the one I'm holding except with a black handle.  "Get your grimy hands off my knife!"  uhm...what? "This is for you." "But I have one." "No, this is yours.  I want you to have it." uhm, that's like a $100 knife, dude. "I really can't.  Yes, you will. I'll set it over here for you." "Thank you!"

While I'm chopping I ask:

E:  "So, I don't mind the texting, but why don't you call me.  Not a phone guy?"
S: He smiles. "It's not that I haven't wanted to, I just don't know when you're busy."
E: "Well, if I'm busy I won't answer!"
S: He laughs.  "Yeah, simple as that."
E: "So tell me something about you that I don't know." I look up to the smirk-smile.  "What?" I say "Entertain me while I'm doing this."
S: "Okay, I moved around from school to school growing up.  Later I worked at the Chicago Board of Trade for 10 years from the age of 18-28."
E: "Wow, were you a runner?"
S: "I started off as a runner."
E: "And then you just decided it wasn't fulfilling enough?"
S: "Yeah, I guess that's it. And yyoooouuu??"
E: "Well, I spent most of my life as a performer - dance, theater, singing, and such.  I went to school on scholarship to sing and loved it.  I feel that I'm an instrument for this amazing music.  It wasn't about me, and that came back to hurt me.  I was raised to be far too modest and I lacked all Divaness.  Then I asked myself if I wanted to teach - no - or do I want to wait tables in New York auditioning with 20,000 girls who look and sound like me?  Not really.  Not to say I wasn't unique. I was small, petite with a huge voice that could be heard over a 200-piece orchestra and 150-person choir.  I loved it, still do, but have no regrets about changing my major to journalism.  I simply didn't have the 'I have to do this to live' feeling in my gut.  I do miss it. After I lost my scholarship I worked as a waitress and bartender to help pay my tuition."

Steven comes around the table, takes the knife from my hand and gives me a big hug.  "Ouch!" "What," he stops suddenly.  "My back, from shoveling yesterday.  It's really sore."  "Well, I will give you a massage to make it feel better."  I smile.

I decide to cook all of the scallops so he can eat them for leftovers.  When it was all complete, I prepared each plate and we go into the living room to sit at the big ass table to eat.  He digs in and is loving it.  "This is so good." "I know, and it's so easy, don't you think?"  "Hhmmmm..."  That was pretty much the rest of the meal until I look up and find a huge stuffed giraffe staring at me. " Uhm..." he looks at me. "Giraffe???"  He laughs.  "You like that?  When restoration hardware was having their bankruptcy sales I bought it for my niece and nephew." "So why isn't it at their house?"  "They wanted to keep it here so they have something to play with."  "Ahhh..."

I gotta give it to Steven.  He downed six big scallops, salad and pasta, clearing his plate.  I say, "I'm stuffed.  It would be great to go take a walk."  "Okay, let's." "Seriously?" "Yeah."  So we bundle up in our outwear and head out to walk around the block in the frigid temps.  "You should wear your knit cap it will keep you warmer." "I'm fine," as he puts on ear covers and that stupid fur hat!

It's cold but it feels good. We talk about his neighborhood as I point out interesting architectural and design elements I see.  "It's changed a lot since I moved in," he says. "I used to hear gunshots all the time."  "Didn't that scare you?" "Nah, I'm a better shot." I suddenly wonder where he leaves his gun in the house.  (Sidebar: I did do some more research and he is a Marshall whose assignment is on the ground.) Instead of turning right to make the walk around the block complete he says "Turn left". We turn left and come upon the park.  Steven lives a good three to four miles from the lakefront but he's right by a huge park with lagoon, tennis courts, softball fields and more.  I've seen it in the summer and it's actually quite beautiful.  No doubt the park is empty but the drive through it is clear and we make that our path.  At one point he let's go of my right hand, stops, I keep walking, and then comes up on my left grabbing that hand.  Nice.  A real gentleman always walks on the outside of a lady.  Nice!

We decide to cross the street and venture into the area, which is normally grass, towards the softball field.  There was two feet of snow and we were like moose picking up each leg up and out of the snow.  By the time we stop, we're both winded.  We stand there for a few minutes inhaling the cold air and enjoy the quite beauty and he wraps his arms around me.  We decide to go.

S: "Let's go this way," and he starts to pull me to the right.
E: "Uhm, let's not."  While we were standing there, I saw a guy stumble into the snow towards a tree.
S: "Why?"
E: "Cuz that guy is peeing on the tree over there." Chicago has embraced public urination!
S:  He laughs. "Yeah, okay."

We walk through the softball field to the road, passing the most beautiful snow angels, and he again steps to the outside of me. Nice. About 10 minutes later we're back in the warmth of his house, of which he actually turned the heat up.  Snow is everywhere and we carefully undress and he turns his neck to reveal a crick.  I start to massage it and he leads me into his bedroom.

When he opens the door I see a huge four-banister bed with matching light wood strips linking the tops, perfect for a mosquito net.  It's not a large room, as is very traditional in old Chicago homes, but somehow he's managed to cram his office desk and a huge, tall metal filing cabinet in.  This guy needs a woman's touch!  The mattress, Tempurpedic.  Awesome!  He lays down and I massage his neck and back.  The more I rub his shoulders through the shirt, the more crinkling noise I hear...and feel.  BACK HAIR!!!  Seriously??? Really?  COME ON!!  Sooner or later we switch, I pull off my turtle neck after working up a small sweat massaging his tight back, and lay in my tank top and leggings. He starts to give my back the massage it's been crying for all day, except he can't rally stay focused.  He continues to lean down to kiss my neck and shoulders.  "Hey, I'm serious, I need this!" It was a generous massage lasting about 15 minutes.  Afterwards we lie on the bed, making out and talking.

S: "So what is your hesitation?"
E: "What? With sex?"
S: "Yeah"
E: "I promised myself I would do it right this time, that I wouldn't jump into anything."
S: "Why?"
E: "Because that's what I've done in the past and the relationships didn't have substance."
S: "What were they?"
E: "I dressed up well for parties and dinners out; I looked good for their friends.  We never talked and they never seemed interested in me."
S: "Oh." Make out.
S: "Tell me about your first boyfriend."
E: I laugh. "My first boyfriend lasted about 10 minutes.  He was my first kiss." We played around as I imitated the reenactment of my first kiss.  Hilarious.  I was actually in fifth grade..... "Yours?"
S: "It was ninth grade and I started dating this girl.  My brother met her and said 'dude, you can do so much better than that!', but all of my friends had girlfriends and I wanted one too.  So I got one."  We laugh.  "So tell me about your last relationship."
E: "He was the first in a long time to treat me with respect.  He was super sweet to me, wanted to court me and I felt I deserved it.  Then he dropped a bombshell that I just couldn't help him with."
S: "What do you mean"
E: "He told me he was in recovery"
S: "For what?"
E: "Alcohol mostly but I often wondered if there was something harder.  It was sad. He had just recently gotten out of rehab for the second time." I didn't go into more details.
S: "Oh."
E: "Are you uncomfortable that I am not jumping into sex with you?"
S: "Well, no, but for me it defines everything."
E: "What do you mean? That it means that we're officially together?"
S: "Yes." He says with a smile.  So, you're eager to take me off the market??  LOL  He kisses me and the looks linger. He softly touches my face. "Do you still have your online profile up?"
E: "Yes, but I haven't checked it in awhile. Do you?"
S: "No. I took it down."
E: "Why?"
S: "Because I really like you."
E: "So what did you think the other night when I didn't want to come into the bedroom with you?"
S: "I just thought you hadn't made your choice yet."
Silence.
E: "I suppose I'm just looking for someone who will be patient with me. Who will make me laugh."
S: "I can do that." And with those words he rolled me on to my back, lifted up my tank top and gave me a huge zurburt on the stomach.  I laughed and laughed.
E: I catch my breath as he lies down next to me. "I like that you asked and we talked about this.  Keep talking to me. Deal?"
S: "Always."

The conversation and making out continued until I finally drew the line and said I have to go home.

I felt exponentially better knowing where his head was at, and I'm sure he feels better as well.  I think it was feeling the pressure of sex that had me feeling like I was out of control; as if I'd lose him if I didn't, and I don't like that.  We've only been on FOUR dates! I just need to wrap my head around all of this.  This is what I want, I just have to go step-by-step for myself.

He's right, I haven't made my decision yet because of fear and what not, but I'm closer.  Definitely closer.  But I do have to say, there's nothing like letting him work for it a little bit.  He doesn't need to know that I haven't dated anyone else.  There's no harm.  No answer is not lying.  There has to be a reason why none of those other guys really go into contact and asked me out.  I believe that God works in mysterious ways. 


Next date: Saturday late afternoon.  Ice skating and hot chocolate - we really have to get out of the house and out to do something! LOL  Plus, I might not be able to see him until I get back from the new business pitch in Pittsburgh next Friday.  Ugh...Valentine's Day...

xoxo

A Snowy Night

Tonight I spent the evening with a good gay bf - Ben*.  I picked a place just off the "El" for us to meet.  A straight bar with 50% off the entire menu.  He is, in some ways, like my brother.  I've always had a special feeling for him.  He's just a special, kind-hearted, thoughtful guy.  This is the first time we've actually said we were going to get together and made it happen.  Although there was an impending blizzard we still made it happen.  And of course, with the blizzard everyone goes immediately home, so the place was dead.  We ordered a buffet of Korean tacos, tempura shrimp (which wasn't actually tempura but fried - still yummy), tomato bisuq soup (eh, it was so-so) and some cocktails.  It was so dead that the cook brought us a complimentary dish of bacon-wrapped dates in a vodka sauce that was to dah fer!

Ben is the kind of person who is the voice of reason.  He's the one you can talk about anything to and he totally gets it.  He's self-aware, and aware of the world around him, and tries to live a life that makes a difference, as most of us do or aspire to do.  Ben is my sounding board.  Someone I trust deeply and I know will never judge me but ask questions that provoke my thought (yes, I know he's reading this!).  So, it was an awesome evening of sharing, asking and telling. Ben is the kind of guy who, when you're leaving says "You know, I'm going to tip the waiter/bartender more because it was half off night."  For me, who worked her way through college as a waitress and bartender, I feel terrible I didn't think of it.  But Ben did. And to top it off, he walked me the few blocks to the bus stop, across from the "El" cuz he's a gentleman like that.

Tonight feels like December or the beginning of January.  This storm is late, in a our terms.  However, it feels like Old Man Winter is saying You haven't seen the last of me and this is my last chance.   Indeed, we're never sorry to see him go, but if it weren't for the winter, summer just wouldn't be so great in Chicago.  People around the world wouldn't talk about how amazing this city is in the summer.  While we rarely let bad weather keep us down, summer is when we are all at our best.  We'd take it for granted, like they do in the South and Southwest.  People wouldn't live every day to the fullest, caring less about sleep and more about being out, about and present in the warmth still radiating from the city sidewalks.  No, it just wouldn't be the same.

As we walked down the street, we are bombarded with small snow bits (not even big enough to be flakes) that dance in the wind and chill our faces.  Both of us covered from head to tail in winter gear and snow.  As always, I give him a kiss on the cheek and we agree to do this again....soon.  two and half hours and we still didn't cover everything.

Once off the bus, I begin the trek down my block.  I've written about it before, but tonight it actually happened - one of the things I love about the city - a snow covered street.  I wish I could take a picture so you could see it in it's beauty.  The block is silent and I have a spiritual moment (shutup! it is!).  It's spiritual because of its beauty - pure - and no matter how many times I experience it, I'm still filled with wonder at it.  I do not take it for granted.  The sounds of nearby city vehicles muted.  It's as if a blanket has been laid down over everything quashing the sounds of the city.  The street lights bounce off the snow and it's suddenly brighter, not to mention a wee bit safer.  The snow continues to blow into my face and only momentarily blocked by a house or four.  I. Feel. So. ALIVE.  I slow my pace, knowing it's just a few blocks to my house and I want to enjoy it; savor this feeling.  It's a high.  I want to enjoy it because I'm blessed to have a warm coat, hat and gloves on.  I want to enjoy it because I have a warm, dry house awaiting me.  I am blessed.  If there's ever a time to realize what you have, it's now.  I can only imagine what it would be like to be out there now, waiting for the several inches to fall into place, and no where to go.  No warm home.  Only a crowded shelter.  (Now, those of you who know me, know that I've worked with the homeless for 20 years.  There are those who choose, those who don't and those who don't know the difference.  I reflect and pray for the latter two.)  And, I'm super blessed to have no where to go but my home office and out to shovel in the morning (my back!  hahaha).

Even now, as I write, my face continues to sing from the chill and life that was soft burned into it walking.  I already have a rosy color - thanks to my heritage, and one I've spent a lifetime trying to cover.  It's only been recently that I've embraced my naturally rouged hue and now feel the life within those cheeks.  You just don't get this same feeling when you go from garage to car to parking lot to building.  You just don't. You can only feel it when you spend real time outside, walking, playing with the dog or kids.  You have to enjoy it.  It's not a burden but a reminder that while the sun makes us feel alive with its warmth, that the snow, it's beauty and chill, can do the same.

To those of you in the path of the storm, be safe, stay in and go out when you must.  You know who you are.

xoxo

Steven: Date Three

Someone's nose must have been itching because in moments after posting yesterday, Steven texted:

S: "Are you driving or do you want me to pick you up"
E: "I don't have a car but happy to cab it.  What time?
S: I'll pick you up. 6pm."
E: "Okie Dokie"

What? No "Hi gorgeous"?  Hmmmm....come on and keep the flirting going, dude!

My outfit was laid out on my bed, I showered at 2:30 and then chilled with Meow Mix to paint my nails with a glass of wine.  This is painstaking as some of my polish, I can never remember which, gets bubbly.  Fuck!  Do over! And...Do over!  Finally, acceptable, but not perfect.  I can live with it.

It's Sunday and that means I call my Mom and Dad.  Because I'm meeting Steven at 6:00 (my regular call time) I call her at 4:00.  "Hi!" "Hi, yourself." "What are you doing?" "I'm watching Dr. Zhivago.  I've never seen it."  "Okay, well call me back but I have a date at 6:00 so if not we can talk tomorrow."  "Okay, Love you!" "Love you!" I go back to watching TV and fanning my nails as if I'm desperate to lift myself off the couch by that motion alone.

At 5: 15 I slowly get ready and Steven shows up at my house right on time.  I know this because I am totally ready and see him through the living room blinds walk up to the house.  Wait for him to knock.  Waiting, toe tapping.   Come on and just knock on the door. I can even hear him coughing on the front stoop. The phone rings. "Hi!" "Hi! I'm downstairs."  "Okay, I'll be two shakes."

I walk downstairs and he's at the door with this smirk-smile he does.  It's like he knows something know one else does, and yet it must be funny because it's not devilish, but just....happy.  A quick kiss hello, he grabs my hand, helps me down the stairs and into the car.  We're off....to his place.

I've come to realize over the years that you can never anticipate what a guy's place will be like.  The one's who look so put together can live in a complete pigsty and those who you think are a total mess are the complete opposite at home.  Still, you do get those who are a mess all around and those men who are so totally meticulous about their home you're afraid to touch anything.  It's like being in a museum and you're ready for them to say "I don't use dishes.  They get dirty, so we'll just eat off the freshly polished floors."  With Steven, I had no idea what to expect but figured it wasn't going to be too bad. 

Steven doesn't actually live that far from me, but it was certainly a neighborhood I haven't been in before - remember when I said in a few minutes you can be in a completely different neighborhood?  Even if you've lived in the city 20 years.  It's true.  He owns a three-flat brownstone that he purchased in the late 90's and did a complete gut rehab.  He rents out the second floor to a gal with two dogs, who bark non-stop until she gets home.  Smells like separation anxiety and possibly lack of exercise.  Anywhoo...I'm not here to be the Dog Whisperer apprentice, which I'd actually enjoy, come to think of it.  The third floor is vacant, at the moment.

We park outside the house.  I get out of the car and he comes around to meet me, grabbing my hand and helping we walk carefully across the snow laden grass patch (this is what we call a yard in Chicago) to the front gate, which he gingerly unlocks and then helps me up the cement stairs - original to the 100 year-old house.  There's some ice and he immediately grabs a scoop of de-icer and puts it down.  Brownstones that are broken up into flats typically have one main door that immediate leads to two doors - one for the main floor apartment and one to the second floor.  The third floor entrance is normally off the back of the house.  His door is on the right and we walk in.  Immediately in front of me is a beautiful, large umbrella holder.  A large wall mirror to my left.  I turn to look past the open wall banister into his living room with large, but comfortable looking furniture, two almost tragic pieces of artwork, a large, wooden square coffee table just about a foot tall, and....the projector.  This is a strange new, or at least new to me, trend for boys with toys.  They might have a television and a projector or just the projector.  In this case, there's only the projector, right in front of me, pointing at what would be a beautiful bay of windows but is actually covered by a large retractable screen.  Boys and their toys.  It's hilarious.

I follow Steven to the left through the open floor plan into the dining room.  Here is where he keeps most of his travel treasures from South America.  They adorn the fireplace mantel and above them is a gorgeous oil painting of a long dark-haired woman in a red skirt and white top off her left shoulder.  She is sitting in a chair shyly looking out to us.  She's like a Latino Mona Lisa.  I can't take my eyes off of her. In the center of the room is a large, and I actually mean, HUGE wood table surrounded by an assortment of antique chairs - two leather studded chairs at each end.  It must have taken an army of strapping (mmm..yum) men to move this monstrosity in to the house.  At both ends, the table has a beautiful ceramic tile inlay. Two extra chairs sit in the corners.  This thing is so huge I don't how anyone would get around the table to get those chairs.  It's beautiful but just too big for the space.  As I turn left to follow him down the hallway I notice a wood built in full of his travel treasures - masks made of porcelain and wood, textiles, books and little knick knacks.  I walk down the hall passed the bathroom - big and gorgeous with white subway tile and this ornate cabinet and sink.  I'll check more of that out later.  More artwork in the hallway.

I see the kitchen ahead of me and walk in.  The floors throughout the space are all original.  As I look right the cream, ornate, Mediterranean-inspired cabinets sweep around two walls with the sink in the corner.  Sweeping around further at the end of the cabinets are two rustic wood shelving units with all kinds of unique foods. Passed the door to the back and the refrigerator stands alone. In the center of the room is an old table with two large pieces of granite sitting on top (these granite pieces also appear on the counter tops, which are not granite themselves.

When I walk in Steven is in the process of getting everything ready for dinner.  He pulls out a box of noodles, a huge plastic jug of Ragu, a large jar of minced garlic and a bag of Swiss cheese slices.  No kidding.  I can't make this shit up.  This is dinner.  He turns to put water in the pan and reaches out for me.  I succumb and he kisses me.  Both of us forget about the water for a moment until I pull away.  Normally in this situation I would be uncomfortable and pull away immediately, but I didn't.  I've resolved to let love in and there's only one way, to allow it to happen; to give it a shot.  He turns to pull the pot out from under the water and put it on the burner.  In the meantime, I walk to a spot by the table.  After turning on the burner he comes to me, opens his arms and we just...hug.  It seemed like eternity and yet it ended too quickly.  He pulls away slightly and kisses me again this time with much more diligence.  He steps away to stir the noodles.

Steven isn't really a chatty guy.  He's kind of quiet and walks around with his smirky-smile, perfectly content in his own world. So I begin to ask him questions about his family.  "My mom lives in Puerto Rico, so we have someplace to visit!" She moved shortly after her divorce to his father.  He is the middle child of three boys and then a half brother.  His youngest brother moved to Puerto Rico with his mother.  Two live close by and one in Miami.  "Have you been to Miami?  We have a place to stay when we go."  Hmmm...making future plans....hmmmm.  The saddest part is that when his mother comes to visit she chooses to spend time with his brother and his kids.  I can tell it kind of bothers him.  "Do you want to watch a movie?"  "Sure."  He leads me back to the living room and pulls out three large plastic trays of movies. Two more remain on the floor next to the couch.  It's either the "Tales of Despereaux", "Battlestar Galactica" or "Get Smart".  I pick the latter.

I walk back into the kitchen and ask him more about his house.  "Yeah, and it's great to have a roommate to help out."  What? Uhm...roommate was never mentioned before.  "Well, it's nice of him to let you have the place to yourself tonight." Cough. "Uhm yeah."

The noodles are done and he pulls out two colorful plates out of the cabinet and sets them on the table.  After draining, he grabs one plate and spoons some spaghetti on to it, sets it down in front of me and instructs me to scoop my preferred amount of garlic on the noodles.  He then takes the big jug of Ragu and pours it on until I say stop.  Next he takes two slices of Swiss cheese, places it on top of the concoction, covers it and puts it in the microwave.  I stand there watching in some disbelief.  He repeats the pattern for himself. While I'm waiting for his to cook, I turn to the refrigerator to read the article posted with magnets.  Steven walks up behind me, wraps his arms around my waist and snuggles his nose into my neck. "Mmmmm...you smell good." The microwave dings and he turns away to pull his plate out.  Each plate goes on a tray with fork, a glass of water for me and homemade apple juice for him.  We walk back to the living room and place the trays on the coffee table.  He puts in the movie, turns on the projector, hits the lights and we sit to eat. I'm not going to lie, I was a little skeptical, I mean, are you serious?  I dated a guy once who said he'd cook for me, but didn't have a clue.  It took two months before I realized he was getting take out from a variety of restaurants.

Trying to be nice. "Not bad.  The Swiss cheese gives it a different flavor."  "See! I knew you'd love it."  "Well, love is a bit much.  Let's see if I throw it up or not.  Thanks.  He grabs my head and presses our faces together. He laughs.  When Steven laughs he leans his head back, opens his mouth and the sound rises from his Buddha belly.  A little like Santa but not has full or long.

We finish dinner and I head to the bathroom.  Once in the bathroom my breath is slightly taken away.  he rehabbed this?  It's beautiful.  I look at the toilet and go to grab some TP, cuz I always do that prior to squatting, cuz you never know, and on top of the toilet is a curling iron.  Hmmmm... I finish my business and go to wash my hands.  Right there on the shelf is a wooden leaf and in it lay a cool turquoise ring. I try it on and it fits.  A female's ring.  Hmmmm....is his roommate a woman?  Hmmm....why didn't he say something?  Whatever.

I return to the couch, kick off my shoes and grab the blanket to warm my bare feet - his apartment is chill-ill-lee.  He asks if I want to lay down, I say yes, and he whisks away the pillows from the couch selecting two to position behind our heads.  He maneuvers himself behind me to be on the inside and pulls me, hugging the blanket ,back to lay in the nook of his arm.  Of course, he now takes this moment to put his hand on my stomach - please don't feel the bulge.  He reaches up to my face, grabs my chin and pulls my face to his for a serious make out session.  I can tell he's, cough, enjoying it because he moans and the tongue is set free.  I just don't know what to do with that thing!  The majority of the kissing is good but this animal must. be. tamed!  "Mmmm...you're a good kisser.  I just realized that."  Yes, cuz I don't have a wild animal in my mouth.  We stop to take a breath and all of a sudden he's got heartburn and gas (burping not the farting kind like me).  We go back to watching the movie and when it seems to have resolved itself he comes in for more.  It continues this way for awhile.

Half way through the movie he apparently decides he wants more and we just start making out.  Some light petting and he's on top of me.  "We should move to the bedroom." Dingalingaling.  Warning Epiphany.  Warning!  "Actually, would you be upset if I..." "No!" I smile. "Good, it's just that I'm enjoying the pace that we're at."  "Totally."  We continue to make out and he sits up, pulls me on top of him so that I'm actually sitting on his lap.  All of a sudden there's a key in the dead bolt and we both jump.  His legs move out from under me to a seated position on the couch.  My legs are still behind his back and I'm covered with the blanket.  His arm rests on the back of the couch.  It's his roommate.

She (yes I said SHE) is a cute blonde in her 40's.  He makes introductions and I'm kind of confused why he didn't correct me earlier and say that the he was actually a she.  Did he think I would be jealous or something?  To me this is not a big deal, I had a male roommate at one point but he was always with his girlfriend and almost never home.  I still remember when we had a huge spider (E does NOT do spiders) on the vaulted ceiling of our apartment.  Both of us were standing on the couch screaming like girls.  Here I thought I would have a man around the house and I ended up with an eight year-old girl.  Finally we called some real men  to come dispose of the nuisance. I still laugh about that moment. 

The roommate walks back into her room and closes the door.  I look at Steven and laugh.  I can't stop.  "What?"  Trying to catch my breath, "Oh. My. Gosh.  I suddenly felt like I was 17 again!"  We both laugh and laugh.  With her settled in we continued watching the movie.  When it was over, Steven grabbed my feet under the blanket and I laid back on the couch.  He is a terrific masseuse!  Whoops!  I just let a little toot or two come out.  Damn gassy ass!  Well now he knows I fart. I try to cover it by asking questions and we talk.  We talk about scary dreams, my Nuclear bomb, and his repetitive dream from childhood that came every night.  He described how after some time he was actually able to start controlling the dream and change it.  To me it sounded like a video game and I wondered if he was joking, but he wasn't.  It apparently went on every night for years. We talked more about his family, his Mom moving, and the rest of it.  Steven is quite shy when he opens up and talks about himself.  There's a clear discomfort there but it was so nice to learn more about him.

Soon there after we were laying together again, this time E was crammed into the nook between the cushion and the back of the couch.  Very cozy and warm!  His heartburn was still acting up (and thank goodness because I think he wouldn't have stopped kissing and touching me!  It was the perfectly timed, required time out.)  However, at one point, after massaging my head (LOVE!), he began running his fingers down my neck.  My eyes were closed and I heard the direction of his breathing change to look at me.  The way I was laying compressed the little girls (with the help of a padded bra) into real cleave!  His fingers ran lower and lower down the open v-neck of my tee and I thought I was going to lose it!  I can feel my will power crumbling under his touch.  I think screw it (pun intended) and suddenly I regain sanity.  This is not how I want it to be.  It's great that we have such hot sexual chemistry, but I don't want this to be all there is. Plus, E, you're a little desperate for sex, admit it!  Finally, I stopped him and we gathered ourselves, breath included, so he could take me home.  He cupped my face with one hand and said "Such a beautiful girl. I like you...a lot."  "You're growing on me," I reply with a laugh.  Then again, is he confusing desire with like?  It's a guy thing.  Men fall in love with their penis, women with their mind (thanks again for that information, Patty Stinger!).

Finally we peel ourselves apart. He sits on the couch and reaches for my hand to pull me out of the abyss.  I stand to get my shoes and he grabs my hips, pulls me towards him and rests his head on my stomach.  He then raises my shirt to kiss my stomach.  Nnnnoooo not the bbbulllgeee!  I stop him and pull him up.  He turns on the light so I can find my shoes.  We put the couch back together and get ready to leave. 

He grabs my hand as we walk to the car, opens the door for me to get in, I reach down to hit the door lock (so "Singles") and he gets in.  Within a few minutes we're outside my house and he asks in haste and excitement, as if he's suddenly remembered he hasn't asked me to get together again, "Hey, when am I going to see you again?"  Think strategically, E.  "I think Tuesday or Thursday.  Let me check when I get in and I'll text you."  "Ok".

Why, you ask, do I need to be strategic about this?  Well, for one good reason it's getting a bit heated and I need to tame that by not creating opportunities for it to happen too soon.  This means, NOT getting together with him Thursday-Saturday nights because he has three days off, which could mean late night dates and trouble.  I am not in a rush.  In the past, I would have ripped off his and my clothes and had sex too quickly.  Those relationships never had any depth.  We never just talked and got to know one another.  I want this to be different.  I want to find someone who is willing to wait, to have fun getting to know one another. So, Tuesday.  Tuesday is good.  We both have to work the next day, he at 5:30a. 

In the meantime, none of the other guys have contacted me except for The Wet Rag who texted the other night.  Unfortunately, a response must be given.  My standard one is "Just want to let you know that I've met some people and moving forward to see how things go there.  Take care."  Gentle but not devastating like "I'm sorry you're about as exciting as a wet rag.  I'm not interested."  There is Don who is a hottie and I think I'm going to text and ask when we're getting together.  I'm just going for it.

xoxo

I Love Marshall's

So the shopping turned out fruitful.  Gotta say, I love a little shopping therapy.  It took two hours. I was concerned because my body image is so-so at the moment, and while I'm still not thrilled with the vision in the mirror, I did end up getting two pairs of skinny jeans, Tommy Hilfiger and DKNY (in two DIFFERENT sizes - 1 up and 2 up ugh - go figure) for a total of $45 at Marshall's, and I FINALLY found a pair of flat brown boots for $40 at one of my secret shopping destinations, which will remain unnamed for the sake of it's secrecy.  Hey! If I tell you, everyone will be going there. 

I've decided on my outfit:  Tommy Hilfiger jeans, white short-sleeve v-neck T, Grey knit, open front cardigan with elbow-length sleeves, a long beaded necklace with greens and yellows (however worn with just about anything, different colors come out) and brown wedge open-toed shoes.  Hair: I'm going aux natural letting it air dry in that beachy wave that I've come to love.  I know, it's winter and there is still some snow on the ground but I'm growing tired of boots all the TIME!  It's casual for a home-cooked meal, but still fashionably sassy, and I love to be fashionable.

Fashion to me is an extension of who I am - creative, bold, outgoing - and I never fail to look in the closet and create a completely new outfit I've never worn before (made easier now that I have jeans).  People perceive you based on your fashion.  Someone who wears a suit that's too big with shoulder pads the size of Rockies, is seen as out of date, not current, and people, more than likely, won't do business with them unless they're looking for someone who isn't flashy, then they'll believe they're trustworthy because they're boring.  Not me, never been boring.  Never. And don't plan to start any time soon.  I always try very hard to mix classics with classic trendy stuff...the stuff that's hot right now but actually won't ever go out of style.  It's a carefully calculated balance.  

It's almost 1:30 and I have not heard from Steven about time (of which I assume he's picking me up)....but preparing for 6p just in case.  Hell, maybe I should plan earlier.  Mr. Spontaneous could show up any moment!  Here. We. Go.....Just hoping he's not thinking "third date is sex date".  Not happening.  I'm enjoying taking it slow.  I don't want to rush anything but enjoy the process of dating.  You only get so many first times...

xoxo

Preparations Have Been Made....Countdown Begun

I've been preparing for the date with Steven since last night.  Why so long?  Well, I did my home mani last night (with a bottle of wine) and it turned out to be a disaster.  Too thick, then too much top coat, which made it bubbly, then quick dry which dried it smooth but you could see the bubbles.  Total disaster.  The worst part is that I stayed up later than normal to let it dry and couldn't sleep in this morning because my intern was coming in (that's the great thing about interns.  You HAVE to get out of bed and showered). So, took it all off. Painted bottom coat and then painted one coat each hour today while working to make sure it's dry.  Perfection!

A sugarfree Red Bull and a very hot shower, yummy on this the coldest day of the year in Chicago, and a face mask, of which I already think some bastard pimple is trying to make it's nasty ass way to the surface.  Zapped that shit!

Yep, a balmy 5 degrees currently shows on my thermometer, but the wind chill is definitely under 0. Bbbbrrrr.  It's freaking crazy!!  I wonder why any sane person would bother to go anywhere on days like this.  If I didn't work from home, I would have called in sick or negotiated working from home, for sure!  At this very moment, I write with my hot pink gloves and wool scarf on.  All I can do is think about the warmth of summer.  Not really nervous about tonight (the first date I've had in MONTHS), I'm more worried about the frigid temperatures and the fact I'd rather wear flannels and warm boots then feign an attempt of sexy, which will not be as warm.  It's all about the layers. That's how you survive Chicago winters - well, that and a warm down or Thinsulate coat.  Even then...it's fucking COLD!

Oh, I've already been reassured that Steven is able to "..provide the heat, baby! Don't you worry about a thing." Gotta admit, I like flirtation.  It builds a nice level of excitement, fun and desire.


Years ago a gf introduced me to a wine expert from Seattle who was in town (I know you're reading this and you KNOW who I'm talking about).  He and I were on fire the second we met.  When he returned home the text messages flew.  It was a rapid fire flirtation with some dirty talk and....it was ON!

It wasn't long before he called and asked me to meet him in Minneapolis to help him with an event.  His hotel was overbooked and they couldn't find him another room.  We ended up at a Travellodge so disgusting even the roaches wouldn't set up shop.  It smelled like a combination of ash trays, booze, trash and ass.  I don't want to think about what I might have possibly caught there.  Just breathing in the air was toxic and all guests should have been required to wear masks and goggles along with radiation suits.

A nice dinner out, couple glasses of wine and we were back in the hotel (cough, if you can call it that) ripping each others clothes off.  Needless to say, it was pretty amazing.  Even at the nasty ass Travellodge.  I don't even think squatters and the homeless would inhabit that building if it was empty.  It was NAST-OLA!  All of that heat, simply from text messages.  And then, it was over.  Sure he'd come to town and we'd hook up, but that was it.  No more hot text messages.  The desire had been extinguished.  Was I sad?  Nope.  It was exactly what it had always meant to be.

Tonight, I hope to experience the positivity of owning my shit and dealing with it.  That means how I react to, perceive and respond to men. 

So, I'm finishing up work for the day soon, because I require a load of work before heading out.  If only men appreciated the time and effort that women put in to being presentable for them.  Not to mention the sheer pain of looking fabulous.  All I can think about is stiletto boots walking on the icy sidewalks outside that await me, saying "There's no way around me.  Take the chance.  You won't fall and bruise your ass so bad you won't be able to sit for days.  Trruuussssst me."   Even with wool knee high socks,  I can already feel my feet freezing and the pain of walking with feet that are apparently about to fall off because they're frost bitten and turning black.  I can see it now.  It's going to take me 15 minutes just to walk 25 yards.  Yea.  I can't wait.

All I know is there is a warm fireplace awaiting me...that's if we get there early enough...and a martini to thaw my limbs.  And, hoping the man is just as hot...as he claims!

Full report Saturday..

xoxo

Back in the Saddle, Again

Hold your horses, kiddos.  Are you sitting down?  You might want to...

Epiphany has a DATE.  A REAL one.  Yep, turns out one of the "texters" just needed a shove and he asked me out for Friday night.  We're going to a pretty trendy place (read a lot of younger people hang there) but whatev.  It's going to be fun, and I now know that my hormones are still, in fact, working which is a big relief because I thought I was all dried up. 

Here's my problem - I don't often do first dates on the weekends because there's no "end time".  I'm sure I can maneuver my way home, but when you're meeting at 6p there's a good chance, unless it's a terrible time, he doesn't look at all like his pictures or he talks with his mouth stuffed full of food which sprays across the table every time he opens his mouth or takes a breath, that I'll be with him for 6 hours.  I guess, I'm really worried about the stigma - weekend dates mean sex!  A gf and I have a new rule (thanks Patty Stinger) "No sex before monogamy".  However, put a couple of cocktails in this gal bundled with a good time and I'll be out all night.  I didn't say sex, but it's hard for me to walk away from a good time.


Here's the other thing...I can't get into any of my jeans!  I'm legging central (and sweats) these days and...well, hoping I can find something that doesn't show the tummy and still makes me look hot.  Unfortunately, with small boobs that means drapey and drapey which means not showing some cleav...if I could afford to go shopping I'd hit "The Max".  Right now it appears my best assets are my calves which will be covered by leggings and tall stiletto boots.  So I guess that means my best assets will be my wrists and ears.  Gosh, when did my confidence die?  Pathetic!  My friends, including you, should all SLAP me! 

Enough, E!  Stop over thinking it!  I know plenty of people who had sex on the first date, or shortly after, and are now happily married.  I also know tons of men who don't care whether you have a perfect body or not.  I'm a ton of fun, witty, smart and I don't have one large mole for a face!

And this is ALL very ironic because several years ago I decided to put an end to the first date jitters.  I told myself, and should remember this, that HE should be nervous whether I will like HIM, not the other way around.  Note to self....

So, who is he?  He's Steven, 39, 5'10, dark hair, shaved head (if you're going bald, just do it. It's hot!), he's got a fairly decent sense of humor, from what I can tell (anyone who puts Rocket Scientist down as their career or sends me an official "date itinerary"has to be fun!), cute, from what I can tell, and loves, LOVES to flirt and so do I!  He may be just what the doctor ordered.  Time for a face mask and home mani tonight.

I wonder if I do some squats tonight if it will make a difference...

Here's hoping he doesn't ask broke E to pick up any part of the tab.

Wish me luck! It's been a very long time since I've had a date....

xoxo