Bad Dream: Change is Coming

Last week I saw a friend who I've worked with and known for 11 years.  We met because she worked for my client and became super fast friends often sharing our dating war stories.  She is now in her 40's and still drop dead gorgeous - when I saw her this summer (the first time in years) I wanted to throw up!  She has dated and dated and dated over the years, and why wouldn't she: she's GORGEOUS.  The funny thing is that she could never settle down with a guy.  Well, until she recently posted on Facebook that she's engaged.  Yep!

So, when I saw her last week I was all over the ring and questions about the guy.  "You know, it's weird," she said.  "I was very happy in my life.  I had good jobs, own my own condo, drive a great car, have amazing friends and the cutest dog...I was very happy.  He came to me on my terms and has made me want to settle down."

E: "The thing I have realized is that I'm afraid of getting into a relationship like this because I'm scared of making the wrong choice."
F: "Yeah, I was there too.  It's different when someone really wants to be with you they are always there, proving it."
E: "True, but I immediately see it as suffocation.  The guy does everything he should, just like a movie, and yet I see it as negative, not positive affection, or even that he's working to get my attention."
F: "Yep, sweetie, it's time gals like you and I realize and let go or we will be alone for life."
E: "Wise words, sister, wise words."

And with a quick hug she was off to pack for a trip to warm Mexico the next day with her fiance.

I got to thinking about it a little bit more this week, and I really am proud of myself for being part of something with Steven.  Even if it's just to see if there is substance there.  If I want to fall in love, or have someone fall in love with me, I at least have to give them a chance.  Damn fear!  Now I'm at this place where I've been alone for so long that it's what I know; it's safe.  I've dated men (subconsciously) who were emotionally and geographically unavailable because I knew it wouldn't go anywhere.  Problem is, that with the emotionally unavailable ones, there really are few warning signs.  It's not until they tell you they just got out of rehab on your fourth date that you see the RED flag.  Yet, ironically, I want to be in a relationship.  Go figure! 

Moreover, I am having these feelings that tell me to go out with others, try a few other boys on for size, and that could be the fear or "this is your last chance" talking.  Since I've rarely been in this place over the last 10 years, I do have this strange, retarded way of thinking that suggests I should only be dating one at a time.  This feeling of guilt that I'm going to be the one to do the hurting is somewhat overwhelming, and frankly it's stressing me out.  All of it.  However, my friends have sage advise on this:

"Date, date, date!  Dogs don't chase parked cars"

"Have fun...kisses aren't contracts"

I do know something big is about to happen.  Last night I dreamt that I was running and jumping into a revine to protect myself from a nuclear bomb blast.  I know, c-r-a-z-y.  You're thinking "what is going on?"  I have to admit that in my life when something is about to change for me I have these frightening, near-death dreams, which I can only explain as a warning that part of me is about to die and blossom into something new, or BIG changes are coming my way.  Usually it's tornados (hey, I'm a Kansas girl) or being shot at.  When I'm being chased and shot at I know that something needs to change but I am denying it from happening; hence running away from it.  Having an understanding keeps me alert and helps me realize when I need to let go.  To give up and let God! So you can imagine how I felt when I gasped and sat up in bed, sweating.  Nuclear bomb means something pri-tteee serious, me thinks.  What?  Well, we'll all find out together.

Of course I had to search for the meaning and here's what I got:

"To dream of a nuclear bomb, suggests feelings of helplessness and loss of control. You are experiencing some strong hostility and rage, where it is nearly destructive. Important changes are about to occur. You may also be expressing a desire to wipe out some aspect of yourself. Alternatively, the nuclear bomb serves as an indication that something crucial and precious to you has ended."

Precious...like my singledom?  Or maybe now I may believe that the process of deciding to move is really about letting go of everything I've held on so tightly to so I can actually grow and receive more blessings....

Why is it that when you answer questions others are created?

In the meantime, there are about 12 pairs of jeans in stack in my closet.  None that fit, so I'm preparing myself for an outing of finding the perfect pair to fit my new, wider butt and tummy, for tonight's date with Steven.  It's like boys, you have to try on a lot of them before you find the right one. 

xoxo

My Birthday

Halloween is my birthday.  Before you get all "that's so cool, you must have the birthday ever every year", let me just say it has it's ups and downs.  Really, I don't know why, maybe I think it should be so extraordinary, but it's not.  However, that's not to say it isn't great.  After all, I can become someone else for a night or put on my "birthday" wig and be incognito for a day or two.

When I was younger, my birthday ROCKED.  Probably because I was a kid and it was all about trick-or-treating.  My mom used to make my costumes - one year I was Sleeping Beauty and she did an amazing job with the dress.  Another year I was Dorothy from the "Wizard of Oz" and I put our black Lhasa Apso in a basket as Toto.  My parents let me take her to school and show everyone my costume and then they took her back home.  And...there was always more candy and cupcakes for the class.

As I grew older, it became harder but my family did amazing things for me: Sister1 taped a huge plastic pumpkin outside my bedroom door.  When I woke up I ran right into it and couldn't stop laughing.  One year my parents turned our garage and basement into a haunted house.  It was a family affair and my friends thought it was amazing!  For my Sweet Sixteen I came home to my boyfriend and a handful of friends hosting a surprise party.  It was mellow but so much fun.  That's when I began to realize that it's more about who you're with than anything else.  I didn't get a car, a real piece of jewelry or anything else extraordinary, just my family and friends.

I love the effort my family always put in.  Most years my Dad would dress up as a ghost and as kids walked into the entry way and rang the bell, he'd jump out from the garage or off the chair he was sitting on.  He continues to do something fun.  He loves Halloween.  For him, it's the greatest night of the year.

Since I moved away and became (cough) older, things changed.  There was no longer family, family but there was a new family.  My Urban Tribe and they have done some pretty awesome things from a surprise party for my 31st to simply dinner at our favorite sushi restaurant.  Or the few years I've shared my birthday with others and had a mean girls night of manis/pedis and BYOB sushi.  The last two years I've gone to the parade in Boystown, which is every gay man's national holiday and a riot!  These people go far out for incredible costumes - of course all I can think about is how do you go to the bathroom in that thing?  And...of course my family has visited.  Sister 1 has rang in the Big 30 and Bigger 35 with me and my aunt and uncle celebrated numero 32 with a night filled with Italian and champagne.

Then there were the beginning years in Chicago when everyone talked me into hosting a party at a bar.  I did that and 200 of my closest friends RSVP'd to attend, however, in the end maybe 35 showed and stayed, another 35 came, said they were just coming in to wish me "Happy Birthday" and then leave, and, in the end, I was left holding the bag for the room.  Their excuse - "We have, like, five more parties to go to..." And I was like "Listen, sister, I vaguely remember holding your hair back from your face while you puked into a trash can in the "Viagra Triangle" (locals know what I'm talking about) at 4:00 in the morning on your birthday and you can't stay and have ONE drink to help pay for the room?"  Whatever.  Sure friends pitched in so I wasn't alone in paying $1,000 to the bar -yep, you read that clearly - but I was embarrassed and mad, and the rest went on credit card.  Obviously, I've not done anything like that since. 

I often wonder if it's because I'm single and alone that I don't feel like my birthday is really that great.  There's no waking up in the morning to "Happy Birthday, babe", someone to take me to dinner or dress up in a couple's costume.  Reading through this, I know that I'm pretty lucky and it's not so bad, but I feel like something's missing.  Aside of the costume and parties it's just another day.  I do want to give my gay boys a shout out for Saturday night.  I came out of the bathroom to trick candles on Twinkies and happy birthday, followed by a Tequila shot at Midnight and more singing.  Now, I DO NOT DO Tequila.  He and I had a bad one-night stand in college, and since then we just don't interact without Margarita mix.  Needless to say, it was not pretty and, to that point, I'd only had three and half drinks over five hours.  I was done.

There's also a new need.  A need to not be hungover or worthless the next day.  Besides, Sunday was my actual birthday and I wanted to enjoy the day.  I could have slept a few more hours but at 7am my eyes opened and I decided to get the day started.  What did I do?  I cleaned my house.  Seriously, it's the best gift I could give to myself, aside of a day off (today) to finish the job.  Later a could gay boys took me to yummy Mexican, I hooked up with Tequila again, in a Margarita, and then to the parade.  I wish I had taken pictures to share.  Laughing was the medicine I needed and I received it.  After wards, I we went to a gay bar (me in my brunette bob wig) where I had my butt grabbed twice and one telling me how much he liked it.  My response "Honey, I'm not what you think I am".  A compliment is a compliment!

I guess at the end of the day that my birthday is child-like and youthful, and I've begun growing out of it.  Not in a way that I will never dress up and go to parties, but in the "I want to celebrate my day in a new way."  Or, maybe I need to accept a new, exciting normal and I'm really just a big whiner who needs to dump her expectations.  What that "new normal" is I have yet to determine, but I can tell you the Big 40 is on the horizons and I'd like to be in a place to do something BIG with family and friends!

Hope you had a wonderful and safe Halloween!

xoxo

Ham in My Pants

Well, no surprise.  Somehow those 10 L.B.S. I was supposed to concentrate on losing over the summer turned in to 10 L.B.S. EARNED!  Really, it's my fault.  I wasn't motivated or just a little lazy this year.  (Trust me, if you need an excuse to not work out I've got about 1000 of them).  So, with one of my best friend's wedding encroaching in just a mere few days, I decided it was time to do something.  Nothing like waiting until the last possible hour of desperation to drop some weight. 

I recently purchased a pair of those Champion Stride 'n Tones from one of my secret places to buy shoes.  No, don't ask me where.  I won't tell you.  If I told you it WOULDN'T be a SECRET, now would it?  Bribe me all you want...well, depends on how good the bribe is...but...I digress.  I got the shoes for a steal, really a steal, because who wants to spend $75+ on a pair of shoes that may or may not give me the rockin' ass and legs I see on the TV model, who clearly hasn't worked to be fit her entire life.  Seriously, a trial is needed before serious investment.

Monday I took them for a stroll.  I was kind of stressed (don't act surprised) and decided to close up biz at 4:30 and go for a four+ mile walk to the lakefront, down and back.  At first I thought that two hams were fighting for possession of my ass with each step.  Then I realized, sigh, that it was really the fact that I had a full ham attached to each ass cheek and they bumped up and down as I walked - it's even worse when you're a fast walker like myself.  Still, I kept the faith that these shoes would indeed do what the marketing ploy says they will (Damn marketers!  Wait that's me)  So, I turned up the mp3 and just kept going hoping that no one would catch site of the delicatessen I was packing in my pants.  If only they were spiral hams and just fell apart as I walked....yeah, this is what I was thinking as I walked.

Believe it or not, after a while I started to feel the muscles in my quads and butt tighten a bit.  Even think my sad pathetic excuse for a core was positively effected as well.  I also noticed that the hams on my ass felt tighter as well - less flagrant bouncing up and down and more like they'd finally managed to be tamed.  OMG, my shoes are the ASS WHISPERER!

Since then I've attempted to make sure they're on my feet at all times, sans professional meetings downtown.  Slip on, slip off.  While like all things in life, there is no magic bullet to getting in shape, it takes, ugh, work, I am feeling rather good about my odds in the next couple of months.  If I don't take this off it's going to suddenly double over the winter months when all you can do in Chicago is eat and watch movies.  Baby, it's cold outside!

Maybe the BFF is right.  I should have just Lip Slutted my way to the flu and not eaten for a week!

xo

Herding Flies

Since the "battle" this week, I am beginning to feel like a serial killer.  When I can't herd the flies out the door (do you realize how difficult this is?) I'm pulling the bug spray out of my side holster and getting a cheap thrill out of watching the fuckers DIE!  You know, it is quite fun and satisfying...but I recently noticed a maniacal laugh erupting from my vocal chords every time. I still have no idea how these fuckers are getting into my apartment.  I swear!  I kill them all, so I think, and 10 more pop up.  What the hell?

Three were released this morning and there are still three buzzing around totally pissing me off.  Maybe I should just bomb the hell out of my house and call it a day.

Have to go clean up my window sills, which are littered with death from this morning's killings.

Freaky Tuesday Horoscope

My personal horoscope today  Scary...

"Has what used to be shiny and exhilarating become lackluster? Is your love life leaving much to be desired? Has your social calendar become sparse? Is your career at a low point? There's always something you can do to make any dull aspect of your life sparkle again! Jupiter is square Pluto, ushering in an intense, provocative energy. You want to renew your passion." 

This last weekend a client bounced a check that had a snowball effect.  That's IT!  I can't do this anymore.  I'm exhausted.  I wake up every morning and take a risk and that's about all the energy I have left for any other risks in life.  So, I've officially applied for a job and now applying for a lecture position that I think I am perfect for.  It's time to diversify and stop letting other factors determine my outcome.  Let's just hope they're gentle with the background check.  My credit blows.  But as my gf, Susan*, said "everybody's credit is shot and I guarantee you're still better off than many other people," which is probably very true, I just hate my reality.

It's time to sparkle again.  To be audacious once more!

Shadows of Ghosts

Last night I went to see the B52's at Ravinia on the North Shore of Chicago. It was Gay BF's office party and a total blast.  I was confused how many people came and then left before the concert even began.  What, like you have to work today?  We stayed until the end and it was a late, late night, which is why I'm pounding a Red Bull this morning (yawn).

Ravinia is one of those places where you can either buy seats or sit on the lawn.  We were on the lawn and his company had a mad spread of food and wine and beer.  Naturally, I immediately parked myself in front of the gal serving wine.  It's really a beautiful place, and a romantic one, at that.

Somewhere I've forgotten about love and how to have it.  As I people stalked, I saw couples everywhere talking, laughing, kissing, being...in love.  It kind of sucked.  The loneliness must be setting in.  I so want what they're sharing, but for some reason it alludes me.  Whether its my past, which includes a pyscho ex, the screwed up fact that I thought men had no emotions because I never had a role model in my father or that I'm afraid of settling for an unhappy marriage like someone I love dearly.  Whatever it is, I look around me and people are achieving love daily, except me.  I just meet flirts who ask me out and after figuring out I'm not going to sleep with them decide never to call again; or they cheat and lie.  Seriously?

This morning when I was working myself out of my groggy state, cursing myself for being so disciplined to actually get up and work, I thought about this all again.  I feel like I am now one of those single 30-somethings that people look at and feel sorry for.  I do see it in their eyes and I hate it.

To make matters worse, I have a reunion coming up next year.  I am hoping to have my status, and life, change by then, but I'm losing faith that it will. I may just be alone, struggling for the rest of my life and that makes me sad.  I don't want to go through life alone.  I want a companion to share life with, to laugh, argue and have rough times that result in reaffirming love.  Or, I suppose I can just stick to one of two plans, one of which is to end everything here, pick up and move far away, start over with something new and accept that I will be alone. (Btw - the itch to quite, move and start over is pretty palpable, but I'd like a door or two to open before just doing it)

Now, I'm very well aware that I'm not actually alone.  I have amazing friends, family and some super cool new blogger friends who j'adore!  However, there's a whole in my heart that those relationships can't fulfill (yes, male parts in all of the beauty are quite essential as well).  I'm tired of searching, waiting, wanting and wondering why this was the path chosen for me.

Maybe...maybe I should just be a big 'ol hooker and get it on with all the flirts I encounter and say "to HELL with it!"

In an eerie way, I feel that I am living the life of a great aunt who never married, really never wanted a companion and died alone in her 60's before I was born.  My grandmother used to mistake me for her when I'd sing or because I was fashionable like her.  She actually called me Helen* all the time.  When her dementia kicked in that's all she called me.  It's as if she believed Helen was reincarnated in me, and I've lived with that ghost for my entire life.  Where once I believed it to be a compliment, may now actually be a curse - it's funny the tricks our minds play on us. 

But is it possible?  Am I really destined to follow her same path?  Am I living (or reliving)  in the shadow of this ghost or can I still reclaim my life and get what I want without settling?

Dawn Arising

I love to sleep. I mean, I really love to sleep. It's one of my favorite things to do in life. Albeit, I hate when I wake up after a "niner" and still feel like I need more. So, although I'm thrilled that my landlord is finally coming over to finish work on my apartment (it only took a year), you can imagine how not thrilled I am to be up at 6am on a Saturday morning after a not so restful night.

Yes, I was told by him yesterday that someone would be here at 7a. Now, 8a on a Saturday I can deal with; 7a during the week is a strong possibility, but never, never, never on a Saturday morning.

With that said, it is so quiet in the city at the moment and the sun is starting to rise further in a clear blue sky. Last summer, I would actually get up and rollerblade along the lake to enjoy the sunrise. I would do it again, if only I fell asleep around 9p the night before, but who wants to be a big 'ol nerd and do that on a Friday night? Not this girl! Not every Friday! It is quite lovely and although I complain about it, I secretly love it. BUT, there is definitely a nap in my very near future. The Mayor has a party tonight. A veritable "who's who" of Chicago media and politics. His parties are always interesting, but I will require rest be for primping for presentation and mingling.

This morning, I am prepared to make my sleepy ass work to conquer a number of things on the 'ol To Do List. In case inquiring minds want to know, I'll be cleaning (it never really ends), looking at opportunities to teach either online or off (income), client work and managing my other blogs. Shwew! I'm determined to get this all done, including a nap and a few errands by 2pm.

Not so quick! It seems like a lot of time, but it never is.

In Need of a New Adventure

This afternoon I took some time off to go help pack and say goodbye to a super sweet and amazing friend, Ilena*. She's headed out west with her longtime boyfriend and a fresh start together. She will be sadly missed.

I'm not going to lie. Part of me envies that she is picking up, moving and starting a new adventure. It seems that's what I'm in need of - adventure....in something. The something is yet undefined but it's what's causing the feeling and need of something new, exciting and fresh. I'm not yet sure what form it will take, but that's part of Finding Epiphany; finding me.

I just seem to be all over the place and the stress and overwhelm feeling coupled with a major To Do List that still needs to be tackled, make me just want to pick up and run away. But, one can't do that and be healthy in spirit, heart, body and soul. Clearly this is my time of self-evaluation; to review why I do what I do, missed opportunities, lack of passion and more. I'm tired of missing out on life. I'm tired of doing things because people expect it of me. Guess what? It really hasn't worked out that well. I've sacrificed so much - traveling, love, and....time. Unfortunately, many of the things I want to do cost money I don't have right now (Step one: stay on budget). That becomes even more frustrating.

My soon-to-be-West-Coaster girlfriend and I were talking about how life has become so complicated. Technology is great, but when did things become so complicated? It's like everyone's running around, running somewhere, in a hurry. Worse, we're all completely overstimulated - yes, I'm in marketing and completely take part of the blame. I mean, seriously, I have five, count them 1-2-3-4-FIVE Twitter accounts I manage daily, three blogs, groups galore...sigh! Who has that much and who does it well without, oh client work and everything else involved in running a business? It's a beautiful blessing, but a curse for someone in my industry. We're expected to be so plugged in when all I really want to do is unplug. Ilena and I share the desire for something slower, more peaceful and not so overwhelming. She's going from music marketing to personal trainer and she will no doubt be amazing!

Moreover, it's summer in Chicago which means there are a million and one things going on at all times of the day and night. We don't really sleep here, but as I get older I care less about those things and more about getting rest! Have I mentioned I love to sleep? Can't function with out my hard eight...and a half. This weekend is a perfect example. There were so many things on my social calendar - all things I really would not have missed for the world, but I had NO time to do what needs to get done during a weekend. Instead, I came home Sunday night and crashed at 8:00p.m. I was exhausted! Yet, I had so much fun.

So now I'm really stuck with the feeling we all experience: days flying by, there just aren't enough hours in the day. We're on a go-go mission daily and we don't just stop to enjoy. A friend once said that he thought living in a city like Chicago would wear you down. Maybe it is, just a tad. Things move faster here. Days do, in essence, go faster. I can't tell you how many times I come into my home office at 7am only to look up and be amazed that it's already 3pm! The funny thing is that I'm single, no kids, no husband, no cooking major meals, and I still don't have the time. Go figure.

I also found out in the last few days that I'm not the only one I know doing some hardcore soul searching. It seems many of my friends are now wondering if they're truly happy and exploring their passions to be happy in career and life. That's very comforting. When you sit down to do something like write this blog, it sometimes feels like you're just hanging out there for the world to read, see and judge (let them, if they need to), so it's nice to know I'm not alone. Of course, the bonus is that the blogger world is pretty accepting and supportive. It's wonderful.

In fact, my gay boyfriend announced that he, myself and one of his friends are all going to move to Key West, open a business and star in a reality show - trust me, that bitch has NO problem whining and stirring up drama! It's a nice thought. I told him to call me when it's a reality - like business plan and moving arrangements made, not the show.

We all have times we want to just runaway. Maybe that's supposed to be the value of vacations - the one's you don't come home from exhausted in need of another vacation to recover. I'm lucky though. This time of year I rollerblade to the lakefront, park myself in my favorite spot, watch the sailboats and....get away from it all, at least for a few minutes. For now, that will have to be my escape, and I must say it's not a bad one.

Unfortunately, there's not enough time in the day to spend stay out there as long as I'd like. Isn't that always the story...

The List: My Own Take 1

Dear Diane*,

I love and miss you and know that you and hubby are working on very important things like making babies, however, would really like to talk and discuss the list. Don't leave me hangin' babe! LOL Until you and hubby have completely exhausted one another, I will move forward with my own synopsis of the list one by one.

Love,
E


The first item on the list of things that make me happy is music. I love music. It's what makes the blood flow through my veins. I love to sing and used to a great deal of performing. I equally love to dance, and appreciate all kinds of music....even some rap, but not for the lyrics as much as the beats, rhythms and...sounds. It just makes me so....happy.

This week I've been working on a CD mix (remember Mix Tapes? I was the Master!) for friend's party. I looovveeedd working on it. Picking the music then selecting the order - there really are rules to this in order to make it sound just right. Every song flows easily into the next as if they were made to be played alongside one another. And, of course, you have to set the tone for the occasion. The best part, is handing the CD over, wrapped and tied with a bow (the most inexpensive, thoughtful gift, I think, you can give anyone) and waiting for the moment they slide it into the CD player. The moments of anticipation just tick away until the first song is played. Then "I love this song" gooshes from the recipient as the CD continues. Music brings such happiness and people love my CDs because they know I made it just for them.

I miss it. I miss singing. I miss writing music and lyrics. I miss performing. I was given a gift and have done relatively nothing with it. Sure, I've been given other gifts and talents, but this one....it makes me feel so alive.

During the day there are often times when I just have to sit down and zero in on getting a project done. It's during these times when I tune into my Jango.com account or rock out to my own play list. It gives me energy and I love everything about it from singing Gregorian chants and classical to rock and country. There's nothing like it. Nothing can feed my soul the way music does. And maybe, I sing on my own time and find a group, and maybe the rest of my life is spent appreciating the nuances in music that others don't catch and teach them about it - hopefully without looking like the big nerdy musical geek that I am.

It's the tops on the list so I know one thing - I've got to find away to sing and release that desire to do so pent up inside of me. I don't really care much about being a famous musician, rather I've always thought of my gift as an instrument to share incredible works of music for others to enjoy. Maybe that's being too modest (another thing I'm trying to give up - love my fam but not so grateful to have been raised SO MODEST! A little "I'm really great" never hurt anyone), but it is something I do believe as a musician. Others, just do it to feed their ego. I was pretty comfortable with myself to begin with and compliments...well, I'm still learning to be appreciative.

I'm hoping that this list doesn't now lead to creating another list for each item on the list. What did I just say? Yeah. While lists are my sanity in day-to-day life, I think more lists will just overwhelm and shut me down! Until my next post in a few days, I am going to try and sing more, even if it's just in my shower, which has great acoustics!

Finding My Epiphany

This is my truth. At 36 yrs old I am a blessed woman - single, living in a fabulous international city, but not generally happy with my life. I am lost. Like a lot of people, I am a seeker. After a lifetime following, what I feel to be, other people's expectations on my life, I'm searching for where my life should be; where I want it to be.

I am broke (told you this is my truth), and when I mean broke I mean a load of debt from various culprits (clothing not withstanding) and starting a business, which I'm not even sure I want to do anymore. The marketing industry has changed so much and I just don't know if it's for me, but I'll get to that later. Moreover, I'm single. I realize that this is mostly of my own doing (a plethora of stories on the way), but I'm through with it. It's time to be honest with myself about myself and with those I love.

I'm through with the fear of just about everything in life. I'm tired of looking at the skidmarks life has left on my roadway; memories of all things shitty in my past and not remotely reflective of who I was back then, and clouding the vision of who I am today. If you knew me back when, I was so.....audacious. Nothing could stop me and now....I'm literally hitting my mid-life crisis before midlife! Like I said, I'm seeking. I'm seeking my own personal epiphany on life, love and career, and boy do I have a lot to accomplish!

I'm ready to become the individual I am meant to be - happy, find my "the one" and a career that I LOVE! More importantly, I'm ready to take the chances required to make all of these things happen. Are you with me?

Are you feeling lost? This will be therapeutic, not just for me but for all women (and men) out there searching for their true purpose, truth in life and true path. It is an epiphany by the best definition and it covers every aspect of my life and being (and possibly yours).

Why a blog. I am a writer. Always have been. Whether it was diary(s) as a kid, poems depicting heartbreak and the overall torture of being a teenager, or song lyrics and writing a lot for my career - I love to write. It is my therapy, and since I felt journaling all of this might cause my hand to shrivel up and die, I chose a blog.

So, take this ride with me. Over the course of the next year I will:

• Lose a few L-Bs(tone up) and KEEP it off. No more yo-yoing
• Find my "the one"
  
• Discover the career I am meant to have
• Uncover the root to all my "screwedupness" and openly challenge the ones I love to take this journey with me
• And pursue my passions
  

I hope that you will find in this blog the strength to seek and find your life and truth with me. After all, we're human. We travel in packs. We need one another.

Who am I? Just call me Epiphany.

This is my epiphany, and yours. We are all an epiphany in the works. I have faith in my epiphany, and so should you. I choose to remain anonymous because while this blog is about me, I know that so many people can easily relate to my daily challenges, reflections, inspirations and....epiphanies. We're on the road of life together. No one walks alone.

Always,
Epiphany


PS Only a very small number of people know who I am. To protect the innocent, and to preserve the likes of any relationship I might care to retain during my honesty purge towards epiphany, all names are either "in code" or changed completely.