Bad Boyfriend

Utter frustration!  Steve is ALWAYS late (the honeymoon is over.  The time to impress me is over.  The respect is gone. I'm now being taken for granted.  Being on time is the ONE thing that I feel is a sign of respect of some one's life and time.  His tardiness is really starting to irritate me.  "Can't you text and let me know you're late?"  "Sorry, baby, I just got caught up in something." "All I'm asking for is a text."), he never remembers ANYTHING - even if it only matters to him (it's amazing he gets up for work every morning) and worse I feel like this entire relationship is based on what HE wants.  There's no consideration for me what's so ever.  It feels like it's totally on his terms and only on his terms.  I know he doesn't mean to do this, but boy it sure feels that way from where I'm sitting. The most annoying part? He wants me to take care of him like his mother!  Seriously?  I didn't sign up to have a child.  I want a life partner.  A bonafide grown-ass man!  Don't call me mommy.  I'm not your mommy!  "Well, don't you like taking care of me?"  "Sure, but this is what a couple does for one another.  It's because you care, not because I want to be your mother!" "Okay, Mommy."  Errrrr!  See???  Frustration!

Recently, Steve and I have been having some conversations about faith and my desire to go to church.  Just when I've reached a good point of compromise, and feel he has as well, he announces, out of the blue, while sitting on his front porch, that he can't live with a cat.  Can't have one in his house.  "Why?" "Because of all the fur and dust." Seriously?  Seriously.  That's you're reason?  "Well, unfortunately Meow Mix is part of the package with me.  Didn't you read my online profile? I was very open and honest about who I am and what I bring to the relationship.  Or did you just see some nice photos?" Actually, he probably doesn't remember what I had in my profile.  I swear he has early onset Alzheimer's.  "Yes, I read your profile." Hmmmm.  "At some point you are going to have to make compromises.  A relationship can't be on your terms only."  He said nothing and stared out to the street.

This really bothered me and I knew I had to bring it up again, but it took almost a week to find the time, alone to mention it.  So, it was, after an awesome evening running errands, talking and laughing we finally end up at his house having a late dinner.

E: "So, can I ask you something?"
S: "No.  If you're going to ask me something, do it."
E: "Okay, Let me ask you something.  We had a conversation last week that has really been weighing on me.  Are you serious about the cat thing?"
S: "Yes. I don't want all that fur and dust in my house."
E: "You realize she's part of the package?  I can't imagine anyone who loves me, cares about me or even KNOWS me would ask me to send her packing."
S: "Let me put it this way, my last girlfriend, I loved, and I wouldn't have cared if she had a cat or not."
E: Ouch! He clearly doesn't feel the same way about me that I do him.  I've been willing to make compromise and he isn't.  "You don't feel that way about me?"
S: "I'd like to get there."
E: Sigh....tears are welling up.  Time to cut this convo off.  I take one big gulp to finish my wine, set it on the table and say, "It's late, we should go to bed."

I head directly to the bathroom and let the tears go while he does dishes in the kitchen.  I cry hard and fast, wash my face, brush teeth and head to his bedroom where I changed into my t-shirt and crawled in bed.  Steve joins me about 10 minutes later.  After changing his clothes, he crawls in bed and wraps his arms around me.  I have to say it. I roll over to face him, "I would never do to you what she did to you."  "Huh?"  "Your ex who lied and cheated on you.  I would never do that." "I never thought you would."  "I guess I feel that at our age, after four months maybe you should know whether you want to be with someone or not."  Silence. Great. I roll back over my back facing him.  He removes his arms and instead pulls his legs up behind mine, spooning me.

I was SO hurt by what he said, and I KNOW that I was simply interpreting what he said as it affected me.  Steve could never say anything to purposely hurt me.  Time to call reinforcements: the BFF.

E: "So, what do you think?" after I explained the entire situation.
BFF: "Yep, that all sounds about right.  My hubby is the same.  Hell, all men are the same. But I love hubby and that's just how it is.  I've come to learn that men and women just don't think the same.  I'm always thinking of hubby.  For instance, I always turn the porch light on for him when he's out and I've gone to bed.  I used to get frustrated asking him to do the same and he never would.  Doesn't he care about me?  It's just a nice gesture.  He's never going to leave the porch light on but I know he loves me and it's not for lack of that.  He simply just doesn't think about it.  As far as the cat situation, it's clear to me that he wants to fall in love with you, he's just not there yet.  Give it some time and let it happen.  He will and the whole situation will be moot."

Sigh..she's totally right.  How nice to know I'm not alone and not crazy.  I really was beginning to question if this relationship was right for me.  With that said, another trusted friend said "E, you and I are masters of self-sabotage.  You're scared and making a mountain out of a mole hill.  I think you need to step back, not say anything any more and let your relationship happen."  Thanks, girls.  You're both totally right.

The next few days were not easy.  Typically when Steve and I are in the car, he grabs my hand.  Nada.  Not even near touching me.  In fact, he wasn't even trying to kiss me or be affectionate in general.  This is a problem.  Something is definitely up.  I keep things light and don't bring up anything!  I swear, I didn't.  Then one night we were hanging out at my house and I made my move.  Maybe we need some make up sex. And I couldn't have been more right.  A little sexual healing goes a long way and the next night when he picked me up after work, his hand reached out to mine in the car and held it the entire ride.

xoxo

What's Eating Epiphany?

So, the trend of waking up after just a few hours of sleep at night continues and it's making it incredibly difficult to get through the next day.  I've tried everything from getting up and working (my clients love this!) to doing Sudoku until my eyes close.  I literally have to exhaust my brain.  And, last night was no different.

I had a nice weekend with a gf who was in town.  It was great to not think about business, money or the fact that my ovaries are losing steam everyday, along with the vibrator.  My mind reels and it doesn't seem to matter how much meditation I do, I can't stay focused.  My mind keeps wondering back to these things and, ultimately, panic and fear kick in.  It's a seemingly never ending cycle of which I'm completely confused about.  Normally I have such faith that fear gets kicked to the corner and told never to come out to play again, EVER. For some reason, things are different.  Nevertheless, I fall asleep for an hour or two until the alarm buzzes.  Ouch...

It is possible that worry and concern is good for me at this point.  I am looking to make a change, to set my priorities straight and those things are all priorities in the short term.  I'm aware of my reality....

While watching "Hope Floats" yesterday, I realized why I love that movie.  I may not have a cheating rat bastard of a husband and be going through divorce or lost my mother, but I relate to Birdie in a number of other ways.  She was "Queen of Corn" the pride of "Smitheville", "audacious".....While I can't claim the first two I was Sweetheart Queen and lived my life without real thought or concern about what other people thought.  I did what I wanted to do because...I wanted to.  There was never a question as to whether my Student Body President campaign was cheesy...it was, but it worked.  I had no problem shaking my groove thing and having a blast while doing it on the pom-pon squad.  And I did it all with a smile on my face and a hello for every person I encountered in school.  I didn't care who was cool and who was not.  Everyone deserved to be noticed and treated with dignity.  I still believe this.

The movie brought out the question in me of "where the hell did I go?" - I used to have that spirit but somewhere it got quashed.  Like someone put the light out.  I have so many cool and fun ideas I want to do for my business and all I can think of is what others will think.  This is NOT who I am.  Part of it may be my career.  I am no longer in the spotlight dancing, singing or performing in a musical.  I'm now behind the scenes, making others look good.  I want to do these crazy things and boost business.  I feel like I have 6-8 months to make it work or I definitely, officially have to get out (and if the great job comes along....yes.  But who knows what will happen?)

So as part of my New Year's Rezzy I will be exploring what it is that is holding me back - which is obviously MYSELF!  There's a saying, "Only you can stop YOU".  Yupper.  That's me and now that I realize it, I mean, really realize it, I am trying to take steps everyday to a. not be overwhelmed by my reality and responsibilities and with what I need to do and b. kick myself in the ass the second I realize that I'm putting things off and not living in excellence (my personal excellence).

It's just so difficult when you know what you want, there are opportunities, but it seems they come with road blocks.  Albeit, they just may be self-imposed, but they're there and I hit those walls and just want to scream.  Today, I am trying to roll with the punches.  Business comes and goes, life isn't always what you think it will be and it's high time that I accept all of it.  I want to be carefree again.

xoxo