In Memoriam

Have you ever known someone who took life so easy that nothing, and I mean NOTHING, could ever shake them?  That was Chuck.

Chuck and I met through the gay boys.  He played on the softball team and came to all of the parties.  He made a real effort to be everyone's friend and you simply became intoxicated with his spirit.  It was one you became drunk on.  It was addicting and you were always left wanting more, especially once he retreated the party.  When he wasn't playing softball Chuck was my companion in cheerleading on the sidelines, and that's where we did most of our gossiping.  I know how much he would have liked to play softball this last summer, but I loved having him to myself under the tent next to the dusty field rooting "our guys" on.  "You can ring that cowbell like no one else, E!"

Chuck was a giving and wonderfully cheerful person who never let anything get him down.  While he sometimes walked to the beat of his own drum, Chuck was a good voice of reason and he left a mark on all of us.  He always had a smile on his face, and you can't help but have one when you think of him.  Isn't that what any of us can hope to do when we depart? 

When Chuck walked into the room there was always a "hey, hey, hey!" and them kisses and hugs for everyone.  He was a generous guy who never thought twice about going out of his way to see you, to pick you up to go somewhere or think of the kind things no one else does.  He was the first to bring flowers and celebrate the achievements of friends. 

For me, Chuck was a consummate gentleman (as so many of my gay boys are - they really know how to be sweet to a woman!) and one of the few who I jumped for joy to see.  "Hhhheeeeyyyyy, E!  How are you?  What's new?  Tell me everything!" and I'd always ask "How is your love life?"  "Wwwelll, there are a couple of boys around but you know, this chemo thing doesn't leave me with much energy to fuck any of them!"  And that would be followed by a big laugh.

 Yes, I blocked out my face...this is my anonymous journal!

Chuck had Leukemia.  He went through chemo and had a bone marrow transplant over the summer.  In January he went back into the hospital.  The transplant didn't take.  He then came home and then went back in last week, admitted to ICU.  As I told Ben* I just didn't see this coming.  Didn't think this was an option.  He always said "I'm going to beat this".

He was an exemplary example of courage and positivity, and he will be missed. Rest in peace my friend.  Your spirit will always be near us.  You will be present with us always.  But, you will be missed.  I love you!

xoxo

For SALE

Yesterday I played hooky.  I mean I really blew the day off.  After a meeting at a friend's in the morning, I just stayed.  We ran errands, baby sat the cutest little boy and went to the BIG private school here to see her kids' holiday program.  This school is the kind of school that costs about as much a year to send one child as I make in a year.  They are, however, very good friends, down to Earth and I love them.  And, they're Irish.

The Irish are a tight knit group of people, especially in Chicago.  All of them immigrants, they made their millions in construction and development.  Some of them with barely a third grade education.  But they are the warmest people.  Friday night dinners are something I always look forward to.  Anyone and everyone is invited to come for dinner and drink, and boy can they drink!!  Finally, after being gone for 12 hours and feeling guilty for leaving Meow Mix, another friend dropped me off on her way home.  Guess what I saw in the window of the first floor apartment:

Yep....I mean I know they're terrible landlords and pretty much neglect the place, but I'd think they'd at least tell us. The best part is...they're Irish and I have spread the word to my Irish friends.  

Not sure how long it will take for it to sell but I'm betting the new buyer will probably tear it down and build some lush million-dollar single family home.  Just hope it doesn't happen before I head out....I've got a business plan in mind just have to get it all in place.  

I know, I'm not forgetting about a job, but I am moving to a market 1/10th the size of Chicago, and while there might be 20 jobs I'd apply for here, there are only three in Kansas City.  :(  So, at least I'm working, picking up clients and things look good.  Really good. I'd rather be doing this and making some money then sitting around looking for a job....ya know?  

God is speaking. Everything is in play, it seems, for me to definitely proceed with my plan.

xoxo

One Who Got Away

It's hard to believe it's been nearly two years since the last time I spoke to Joe*.  I remember distinctly having this overwhelming urge to call him and we talked for a couple of hours.  He died suddenly three days later.

Three years ago I was nagging a very old, close guy friend, Tim* about introducing me to his eligible single friends and he did just that.  He and Joe were best friends, went to college and med school together, and were both in Chicago for exams, so we met up for dinner and an evening out.

Word to the wise, don't have the lobster bisque soup at Mike Ditka's.  I did and found myself, just minutes later, hovering over porcelain convulsing and sweating as my body fully relieved itself of the fucking disaster Ditka's called "viable restaurant food".  Thankfully, Joe didn't show up until later.  Can you believe management of the restaurant still made me pay despite my green coloration, testimony from the bathroom attendant and my friends' debate?  Yeah, won't ever be spending a dime there again.

All I can say is nothing can perk you up like some fresh air, a brisk walk and a martini - dangerous on an empty stomach.  Joe showed up about 30 minutes into our nighttime bender and the rehashing of details of my very memorable dining experience. The second Tim introduced me, Joe was on me like flies on stink.  He immediately squeezed himself onto the banquet next to me, threw an arm around the back and started conversation as if no one else was in the bar.  We danced, talked and later made out like bandits.  Hey, few of us are strong enough to resist the words "you're beautiful" and deep eye gaze even if you think the guy's a player. The next morning, as I stumbled out of his hotel room, before I could be spotted as an official "walk of shame" in the lobby (note: always, ALWAYS pack sunglasses and a rubber band), I recounted the night's fun and festivities, thinking that was fun but he's not quite geographically desirable - East Coast.

Geography, schmeography.  Turns out this one didn't care.  We talked on the phone, sometimes for hours, and he visited a few times (read: he stayed in hotel) and offered invitations to me as well, over the next year.  There is no doubt I really liked Joe and it turns out that he was far more into me than he led on.  I found that out later....

It was early October, a Sunday and I just had this urge to get in contact with him.  We hadn't spoken in a few weeks because he was working crazy shifts at one hospital and moonlighting at another to make extra money (the boy had  to pay for his Porsche!).  I just couldn't believe how overwhelming the desire to get him on the phone was.  I left a message and kept my cell nearby until he got off work and called (he always called during his long drive home to keep him company).  We spoke for nearly two hours.  We would laugh so much.  I remember that he was desperately trying to get me to come out for a big sports event and I just couldn't commit.  I suppose that part of me was afraid to get involved with someone long distance, again.  Before we said goodbye, he said he was going to do whatever it took to get me out there.

On a crisp Saturday morning, Ilena* and I (who recently moved out west) decided to do some serious shopping at H&M and Forever 21 in the burbs - cuz the stores are bigger, duh!  On the way out, I received a text message saying that if you have any photos to share in the memorial for Joe to email them.  My heart stopped.  What the???  I immediately called Tim.  He got the text a few minutes later.

Joe died three days after I talked to him.  He had been out running and suffered an inexplicable embolism and fell in his neighbors yard.  He was alone.  Tim said he's pretty sure that Joe knew exactly what was happening.  He was 32 and in amazing shape.    

Joe was one of those super amazing, and I mean SUPER amazing human beings.  One of the best people I've ever known in this life.  I regret now not allowing myself to take that relationship farther.  Tim and I had a lot of conversations afterwards when I found out how much Joe liked and cared for me, and that he knew I wouldn't move from Chicago.  Based on this he never encouraged a relationship beyond what we did have.  I have such regrets.  

This week Tim was in town for business.  I haven't seen him in more than a year.  I have been close to he and his family for a long time.  Almost immediately he mentions Joe and I told him I couldn't talk about it with him.  Well, I might feel that way but clearly Tim needed to talk about it, so I let him.  Later that evening I came home and cried.  After he passed, I'd call Joe's cell phone for several months just to hear his voicemail message.

I was SO blind.  There's no doubt that I have been stubborn and set limitations for myself (insert a LMAO from anyone who knows me), mostly as defense mechanisms and safety precautions, but no more.  If anything Joe showed me that it doesn't matter where love resides.  If it's alive than you have to go to it and know that everything else will work itself out.

I still miss your laugh and spirit, and hear your voice in my head often.  Rest in peace, friend.  You will never be forgotten by anyone who knew you.

In Need of a New Adventure

This afternoon I took some time off to go help pack and say goodbye to a super sweet and amazing friend, Ilena*. She's headed out west with her longtime boyfriend and a fresh start together. She will be sadly missed.

I'm not going to lie. Part of me envies that she is picking up, moving and starting a new adventure. It seems that's what I'm in need of - adventure....in something. The something is yet undefined but it's what's causing the feeling and need of something new, exciting and fresh. I'm not yet sure what form it will take, but that's part of Finding Epiphany; finding me.

I just seem to be all over the place and the stress and overwhelm feeling coupled with a major To Do List that still needs to be tackled, make me just want to pick up and run away. But, one can't do that and be healthy in spirit, heart, body and soul. Clearly this is my time of self-evaluation; to review why I do what I do, missed opportunities, lack of passion and more. I'm tired of missing out on life. I'm tired of doing things because people expect it of me. Guess what? It really hasn't worked out that well. I've sacrificed so much - traveling, love, and....time. Unfortunately, many of the things I want to do cost money I don't have right now (Step one: stay on budget). That becomes even more frustrating.

My soon-to-be-West-Coaster girlfriend and I were talking about how life has become so complicated. Technology is great, but when did things become so complicated? It's like everyone's running around, running somewhere, in a hurry. Worse, we're all completely overstimulated - yes, I'm in marketing and completely take part of the blame. I mean, seriously, I have five, count them 1-2-3-4-FIVE Twitter accounts I manage daily, three blogs, groups galore...sigh! Who has that much and who does it well without, oh client work and everything else involved in running a business? It's a beautiful blessing, but a curse for someone in my industry. We're expected to be so plugged in when all I really want to do is unplug. Ilena and I share the desire for something slower, more peaceful and not so overwhelming. She's going from music marketing to personal trainer and she will no doubt be amazing!

Moreover, it's summer in Chicago which means there are a million and one things going on at all times of the day and night. We don't really sleep here, but as I get older I care less about those things and more about getting rest! Have I mentioned I love to sleep? Can't function with out my hard eight...and a half. This weekend is a perfect example. There were so many things on my social calendar - all things I really would not have missed for the world, but I had NO time to do what needs to get done during a weekend. Instead, I came home Sunday night and crashed at 8:00p.m. I was exhausted! Yet, I had so much fun.

So now I'm really stuck with the feeling we all experience: days flying by, there just aren't enough hours in the day. We're on a go-go mission daily and we don't just stop to enjoy. A friend once said that he thought living in a city like Chicago would wear you down. Maybe it is, just a tad. Things move faster here. Days do, in essence, go faster. I can't tell you how many times I come into my home office at 7am only to look up and be amazed that it's already 3pm! The funny thing is that I'm single, no kids, no husband, no cooking major meals, and I still don't have the time. Go figure.

I also found out in the last few days that I'm not the only one I know doing some hardcore soul searching. It seems many of my friends are now wondering if they're truly happy and exploring their passions to be happy in career and life. That's very comforting. When you sit down to do something like write this blog, it sometimes feels like you're just hanging out there for the world to read, see and judge (let them, if they need to), so it's nice to know I'm not alone. Of course, the bonus is that the blogger world is pretty accepting and supportive. It's wonderful.

In fact, my gay boyfriend announced that he, myself and one of his friends are all going to move to Key West, open a business and star in a reality show - trust me, that bitch has NO problem whining and stirring up drama! It's a nice thought. I told him to call me when it's a reality - like business plan and moving arrangements made, not the show.

We all have times we want to just runaway. Maybe that's supposed to be the value of vacations - the one's you don't come home from exhausted in need of another vacation to recover. I'm lucky though. This time of year I rollerblade to the lakefront, park myself in my favorite spot, watch the sailboats and....get away from it all, at least for a few minutes. For now, that will have to be my escape, and I must say it's not a bad one.

Unfortunately, there's not enough time in the day to spend stay out there as long as I'd like. Isn't that always the story...

Quote of the Day

Thanks to the BFF for this one:

"Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky." ~Rabindranath Tagore

Romance - Dead, a Fairytale or Just Me?

I am a delinquent blogger. The Fourth of July weekend kind of kicked my ass, and after some catch up on all the things I was supposed to do over the weekend and finally feeling like I won't have a narcoleptic attack, I'm back to reporting the craziness that is my life.

Monday I saw the new Twilight movie, and I must say the anticipation was killing me. The love story presented in these novels is, well, a fairy tale, for sure, but I often wonder what happened to a generation of men. My generation of men. Call me old fashioned, but there's something about the previous generations' dating sociology of men and women that has its appeal. What happened? Internet porn, women's lib or just the Internet in general?

I may be a confident, independent woman, but I still like traditionalism in dating. Meaning, I want to be courted. Is that so ridiculous? My friends tell me that I'll be waiting forever. Don't get me wrong, I do attract plenty of flirts (men) and have asserted myself only to be turned down. Quantity isn't my problem. It's quality. And quality might not even be my problem. It may just be me. Me and this antiquated idea of romance and relationships. Some say I'm impossible - a dreamer with a child-like fantasy of Cinderella, Prince Charming and Hollywood movie endings.

It's different living in a city where people are transient and the single lifestyle is encouraged by a number of nightclubs with scantily clad dancers and babes at the beach. Everyone's looking for....greener grass. It's as if they don't want to settle down because they think something better is coming along. Or, it's commitment phobia. I must admit that the men older than me who have never been married raise a big, and I mean HUGE, flag for me for this very reason. Did they wake up at 50 and suddenly realize they're not 35 and will die alone? Sure, throw some money around and buy yourself a 25-yr old wife and 2.5 kids. You think I'm joking. Happens all the time here.

It's not like this where I grew up - a smallish Midwestern town. Men know how to treat a woman and coupledom is desired for more than just one night. Men are guy's guys. In fact, I would say I've met more flirts with potential outside of Chicago than in over 10 years here. So, I wonder, why does urban living breed this mentality in not just men, but also women. Is it because you can walk into a bar, meet someone, get their number, leave, go to another bar, meet someone else (repeat and rinse), and then decide who you will call? That's kind of bullshit, especially because so many men believe that they deserve to be with a supermodel (uhm, btw, that's like .001 of the fem population and, NEWS FLASH, you're not Tom Brady,a Kennedy or Leonardo DiCaprio).

I meet flirts everywhere but it's always so superficial. Few have turned into more than a one-night stand or even gotten to a third date. (I know a one-night stand isn't much of a fairytale. More of a means to an end for a 30-something's raging hormones). Sadly, many, I feel, have never wanted to get to know me. It was more of a "were going to this party so dress up, I'll pick you up at 8p and flash that smile for the boys I work with". Even more sad is how long it took me to catch on to this pattern. And, the concept of Internet dating doesn't make it any easier.

As someone who works from home, I don't have the luxury of an office of individuals willing to invite me to parties or introduce me to their friends (not to negate my fab friends). I'm out on my own. And while I make an effort to get out and about, Internet dating was an easy option for me. Surprise! Many of the sites revealed men who say they're looking for their life partner, but in reality they use it as their own personal sex, eerrr, dating service to line up a variety of dates or sex for the week. Maybe it's because my generation is the first to really feel the plague of divorce. When you don't have a good relationship model, it's kind of hard to learn how to develop a relationship with someone. (Hmmm...note to self. Possible personal consideration)

Now, women are not innocent here, either. I'm constantly surprised by the number of women willing to completely disrespect and throw themselves at men. Duh, when you send a guy naked pictures of yourself, of course he's going to call. He thinks you're E-A-S-Y! That's not the start to a potentially lasting relationship, that's the start to a friend with benefits and late night drunk booty text messages. I have this sinking feeling that no one wants to work for anything anymore.

As for me, with a dating highway littered with love, screw ups, bad choices, and even BIGGER bad choices, a crazy psycho ex (who still won't leave me alone after almost 20 years), it's no surprise that I am my own worst problem. I am the perfect saboteur of my love life, scared of making another bad choice, comfortable being alone than in a shitty or disappointing relationship, and having that information blaring like a neon sign on my forehead - "Damaged goods. Leave me alone. Too scared to open up." Pick one...it's probably a rotating sign at this point in my life.

All I know is that recently I've taken some real risks in this department. One flirt - known forever, totally like but is very long distance and well, he hasn't responded to my email saying I miss chatting. (NEXT) Second flirt - a cutie from Minnesota who made moves on ME, I really connected with and asked to lunch the next day only to get the "there's someone back home." Clearly none of my approaches have been well received, but you have to start somewhere when you're trying to escape Never, Never Land.

Step One: A List (the first of many)

The one good thing about knowing a lot of people is that one of them has gone through exactly what you're going through, and has survived to be the one person to hold your hand through it. That's Diane*. My fabulous Harvard JD turned professor gal pal.

We met about 10 years ago while in a performance group together. You can't not adore Diane. And the best part is, she used to live in her head like I am living in my head. Thoughts fluttering all around giving way to self-doubt and a desire to runaway from it all (no one's jumping off a bridge here - but headed back to my hometown for safety doesn't seem like a bad idea). Here's the difference, she conquered and came out the other end with the life of her dreams.

Since she moved to the west coast, Diane and I really haven't spoken as much. Thank goodness for Facebook. What a life jacket to friendships around the world! Friends who once seemed lost are found, and I can read what Diane is up to everyday. It's great. So, when I called her unfortunately it didn't seem we had too much to catch up on...(Facebook), but I dug my heals in and told her.....my truth.

I mentioned she's been through this, right? The gal had a phat job at a Chicago firm, an adorable condo, quit it all for the west coast where she knew no one, is a law professor on track for tenure, found her amazing life partner, a dog and hopefully, soon, a bouncing baby. She had a lot to say to me, and I'm sure there will be more to come, but for now, the list....

Diane's first recommendation to me is to create a list of 10 things that make me happy. 10 things! That's like a list of 1000 cut to 10. I'm guessing that eating chocolate chip cookie dough while sitting in a hot bath or a glass of wine (or three) after a long day isn't going to make the list. Along with the fact that I could lay by the lake for hours in the shade just watching the clouds. On with it...

The 10 Things That Make Me Happy (in no particular order)

1. Music
2. Writing
3. Consulting/teaching
4. Yoga/Rollerblading
5. Animals
6. Traveling
7. Volunteering/helping others
   
8. Connecting people
9. Entertaining
10. Being creative - sewing, etc.

I can say I do much of this already (because it makes me happy! duh), but deciphering it to find the answers I am seeking is another thing. This is the first step in reclaiming my life and finding my epiphany.

What's on your list?