I'm Moving

The last two weeks have been enlightening and frightening here.  Just when I thought I was going crazy, something happened that forced my eyes open and question what it is that I really want in this life, and it's not in Chicago.

That's right boys and girls, Epiphany has made some big decisions and one of them is to move back to Kansas City, closer to family, give up my business, if necessary, and start fresh.  After all, I'm not a young pup, like I was when I picked up, moved to Chicago and didn't look back, but I'm not dead yet either.  The pull to be closer to family has really been quite strong over the last few years and, so far, none of my friends are that surprised, though there are a few more to tell.

Maybe the pull is a result of not being happy for some time here.  Maybe it's just time.  There are things that I want for my life that I am not getting here, most importantly a quality of life.

I love Chicago.  In fact, I've been having a love affair with this city since I moved here.  It doesn't leave much room to have a decent love affair with anyone else.  Problem #1.

I love having a business in the city where I can work from home because I can walk out my door and be in the thick of things.  Never a dull moment.  I'd like to find this vibe in my future new home, but who knows.

One of my gf's moved here from the South and told me that as much as she loves Chicago it's not the end all be all for her.  She just came because of a job and "poof" she found everything she's been looking for.  I can't say the same.  Aside of amazing friends, life just feels a little....empty.

We're so conditioned to have an "exciting life" in the big city, going out all the time, lip slutting around and that makes us fabulous.  Really, it's just kind of lonely.  It's definitely time for a fresh start.  The timeline: within one year.  And, I feel really, really good about this.  It's scary to think about starting all over again, but I need an adventure and have conquered my other fears about change.  This is going to be a great thing.  In the meantime, I'm still moving forward:

• Application for faculty position sent in - check
• Landed opportunity to teach a workshop for a local business organization - check
• Proactively contacted a recruiter in KC to begin looking for opportunities - check
• Still lip slutting around Chicago (why not share the love before I go) - check
• Sister1 has offered to let me stay at her house with hubby until I land something and get a job - check
• Official target date: Late June 2011, but could happen before that

With all of this said, I think I'm giving myself plenty of time to love the city one last time and prepare for the break up.  However, it might be best to rip myself apart from this place like a band-aid. Get it over with.



(Watch, I'll make all the plans to move and everything will fall in place here.  That would be my luck. Nah, this desire to go back is too strong.)

Manis Mean New Friends

One surprise I love about life is that you never know who you will meet from one day to the next, online and off, or who will be on the other end of the phone.

This morning I treated myself to a much needed mani/pedi - the toes were getting pretty gnarly.  Now, my BFF Dawn* puts a lot of thought into whatever she does.  After complaining about getting a mani - full color - and it chipping two days later, she said do what I do don't get color.  GASP!  No color?  What kind of crazy talk is that?  Isn't that the whole point to painting your nails?

Well, I've found a compromise.  I carefully, carefully select the perfect color for my toes and then go with a much paler, complimentary color on my fingers.  Genius!  You know what?  When it chips, you can't tell at all.  It's brills. 

As I was finishing my pedi and headed to the chair for mani, I couldn't help but listen in on overhear the gal next to me talking on the phone about school.  She is clearly a professor.  Seeing as I know few people who can help me locally get into teaching, when she finished her call I decided to ask if she taught on the college level.  She did!  I asked her for some advice on getting in front of the right people.  It was a great discussion which moved into current events.  Wow!  I really like this gal, and I might have fallen in love a little bit.  She. Must. Be. My. New. Friend. So, as I left I gave her my name and email and she said she'd email me today. 

We'll see if this new friend indeed comes through.  It would be so nice to have someone to discuss this process with who's been there and can provide guidance. Fingers crossed!

Hamster on a Wheel

Do you have those mornings when you get up and don't want to go to work? I've been having those a lot lately.

I know that I'm good at what I do, but I just don't think I love it anymore. The marketing industry has changed so much with the Internet and social media. It's different in good ways and others bad. It's not the same as how it was when I fell in love with my career. I feel the entire face of my industry has changed and while some of it is fun, most of it isn't. Most of the time I feel like a hamster on a wheel.

Since I started my own business it's always been an ebb and flow - work comes and goes. Every morning I swing my legs out of bed and jump off a cliff. There are no guarantees. It's stressful. You have to pay extra for taxes and health insurance....don't even get me started. At the end of the day I pay more out than I have to live on. It's depressing. Then again, most people don't do what I've done as a single or without a trust fund or family to invest. This has been all me and I'm tired of fighting alone.

I've always enjoyed working for myself, managing my time and having more freedom - although I can work seven days a week. One can say I like being the boss. There is a certain amount of control there. That I can control my career rather than have it decided by a potential pink slip - that is the reason I went out on my own in the first place, I was tired of the pink slip. Mostly, I enjoy the management and decided a few weeks ago that, until I figure out my next steps in life, I have to continue what I'm doing and change the structure of my business. That means outsourcing, which means I'll make less, but at least I know someone who enjoys certain elements of this work will get it done with joy and excellence. I can't say I have either of those at the moment. One thing at a time....

Now, I want to do anything but work. I'd rather watch Oprah, movies on Lifetime, write. In fact, this blog is the one thing I can't wait to get up and do each day.

I think it's mostly the doubt, the not knowing which direction my life is going. I still have tremendous faith that I will be led in the right direction, but it's hard. I've always believed that if you're doing what you're meant to then it comes easy. Life comes easy. It's not easy right now. I feel overwhelmed by it all and that makes me want to escape, rollerblading and sitting lakeside every day, all day (suppose, to meet my physical health goals, this is a good thing).

I always wanted to join the ranks of those who run, but with terrible knees running is literally pounding the pavement, and my joints, to shreds. Rollerblading is awesome cardio and, in the city, a mode of transportation. The best part is that I can take a break, sit along the lake watching the sailboats, or lay on my back listening to the sound of waves and watching the clouds pass by. I want to enjoy my career as much as I enjoy this.

Diane* and I have yet to discuss the next tasks regarding my Top 10 Things That Make Me Happy list. She used this same approach to find her new path in life and her guidance is priceless to me. I'm hoping that it will help sort out the plethora of thoughts in my head, calm me and give me the strength to take one more risk. In the meantime, I have to let go of how I think everyone else around me will feel about the decisions I make for my life and make them for me.