Stress - All Time High

Ugh...after spending nearly $500 of my own money, which I didn't have to give away, on the new business pitch trip to Pittsburgh, we find out today we didn't win.  Seriously?  How do we go from leading the pack to not winning?  It's all sssooo confusing.

I will admit that recently I've been feeling as if my young looks are going against me.  God bless my parents and the awesome genetics they handed down to their offspring, but I'm beginning to feel that gaining another 20 pounds, cutting my hair, dying it a blah brown and dressing in old woman suits would make me seem more credible in the eyes of prospective clients. I'm not kidding.  I just don't get it.

Over the years I've realized that I actually have to be a different person, professionally, with each one of my clients.  Mostly it's with men.  The women are great and love to bond on a level beyond professional, it's the men who make me feel like Cybil.

There are the men who:

• are passive aggressive and like having a strong, bitchy woman push them around, telling them how it's going to be.
• ignore me until I've been in the board room yapping long enough that they actually begin to listen to what I have to say.  Then they totally respect me. 
• look at me in disbelief that I have 15 years experience, knowledge and creative ideas that will benefit them.  Mostly I feel they think I can't get it done.
• are cool and want me to be cool like "one of the guys", so I talk to them like one of the guys, never touching on anything too personal
• and those who want to totally and completely be "all up in my biznez", literally.  Of course I don't make it a practice to date my clients, especially when they're near dead, ask me out for drinks and then attempt to make out with me.  Eeeewww!

I'm telling you, it SUCKS!  Unfortunately, once again, I feel that this is potentially what might have occurred in this instance.  It's not the first time I've been on a pitch with this company and actually had feedback to this point.  They totally question my capabilities.  Oddly enough, when I search online later to see how things are going for them, I see nothing.  NOTHING!

The worst part is that I needed a return on my investment...I did NOT have that $500 to spend and my stress is now at an all time high.

Am I off spiritually?  Am I disconnected?  Have I been so deep in la-la land with Steven that I've simply not focused where I should?  A friend told me today that I needed the break.  I needed to mentally and spiritually get away from it all, but now I'm just left feeling like I may not accomplish what it is I want to...that the opportunities in front of me are all for not.  Certainly God wouldn't have given me more than I can handle - I do believe everything happens for a reason, but this is nuts!

How is it after everything good that's happened that I am here....once again?


xoxo

Epiphany.....Has....A....Boyfriend!

After the pitch Friday morning, my colleague drove me to the airport.  My hope was to get on an earlier flight, but no such luck.  Southwest only had two flights out that day - 11:45a (of which I would have had 10 minutes to catch) or 5:00p.  I staid on the later flight, found a bar & grill just outside of security and parked myself.  After four hours, four glasses of wine and some lunch, I had made friends.  At one point I went to the bathroom to come back to a woman sitting next to my chair.  She introduced herself and said she heard I was a Kansas girl, "I grew up in El Dorado."  "Shut up!"  And we were in love.  I got her card and plan on touching base with her this week.  Everyone has some sort of Kansas connection.  I love it. Suddenly I realize I've got to get going and, in fact, running a bit behind for my flight.

I rush through security (well, as fast as one can rush through), hop on the train and get hustle my bustle to the gate.  SURPRISE!  Delayed almost an hour.  Fantastic!  I settle into a nice chair and then start chatting with the woman next to me who is crocheting a baby blanket for her daughter.  She was adorable and we had the best time talking.  The flight continues to change and with it text messages to Steven about my arrival.

E: Flight's delayed.  Won't get in until 7p.
E: Oops, I mean 7EST/6CST
S: What's wrong with you?  Were you born yesterday?
E: LOL just a long day and I'm tired (I'm not going to mention I had FOUR glasses of wine, the last of which was picked up by the bartender)
S: Just checking! LOL See you soon!!


Finally, I'm on the plane and surprised of how many people don't check a bag.  Southwest doesn't charge for bags and yet everyone brought a bag on.  There is little room and with some negotiation and the kindness of strangers I get small, bright pink bag into the overhead bin and score a window seat.  I was sssooo excited for a nap.  And. then.....the guy behind me is talking and the direction and volume of his voice is going directly into my ear.  It was so loud I couldn't help but listen to the conversation.  Turns out a Mormon was sitting in the middle seat and the two of them had a full on conversation about God and religion, particularly Mormonism as the guy was clearly proselytizing, saying things like "Well, the Bible leaves out so much and the Book of Mormon fills in the blanks."  Really?  You really believe that the Book of Mormon is better than the Bible.  Really? "You know we have temples all over the place and we're just so much more faithful to the word than most Christians."  Okay, NOW, I am going to slap the shit out of you.  Shut. UP!  I'm trying to sleep.  And....you're kind of ignorant.  Ugh...I mean, I don't mind it but they were both SO LOUD and I just wanted to sleep.  Not to mention the fact I could see that the two people next to me who were Jewish, were clearly uncomfortable.

I manage to get a few minutes of shut eye and still wake up completely annoyed.  Grouchy even.  I text Steven when I land.  He BETTER have parked his car, walked his ass in and is waiting to greet me at baggage claim. (See!  I'm totally grouchy!)  That doesn't turn out to be the case.  "I've got to drive around again..."  Awesome.  Thanks.  I'm hoping that now that he knows I'm into him and this relationship that the thoughtful gentleman hasn't ridden off into the sunset without me.  "K" was all I could respond.

I walk through the sliding doors and out into the cold.  Haul my ass and luggage, in my work outfit and stiletto boots, across the drives to the pick up lane.  I'm so annoyed I can't even watch for his car so I get on my phone and start reviewing email.  What? I'm tired. I get grouchy when I'm tired and I won't make any excuses for it.  It just is.  HONK! and he's right in front of me.  "Hey, baby, looking for a date?"  I look up, see him smile, smile in return, throw my bag in the back seat and climb into the warmth.  "Hey..." he says gingerly in the warm, sexy way he has.  I giggle, smile and say "Hey" in return.  He kisses me and the grouchy starts to melt away.  He asks how the trip went and I admit I'm a little grouchy.  "Well, I'm taking you for ice cream and that will make it all better."

I flew into Midway airport on the South Side of Chicago.  Conveniently, Steven is a man of both sides of town having lived on the South Side with his dad and where he went to technical college.  We drive further South. I have never been down here before.  It's funny and sad really.  Chicago is such a huge place that most of the time you just stick to your side of town.  There's really no need to go south if you don't need to.  The South Side, however, is more like suburbs than city.  There are shopping malls and parking lots everywhere.  The North Side is too crowded for much of this.

We pull into a small shopping center and I see the sign, once neon but now doesn't work, "Gerties".  "I used to work here in high school and I've been dying to come down here.  That's why I offered to pick you up so I could come down here."  "Reeaaallly, that's the only reason you offered.  Glad I could be of help!"  We both laugh.

Gertie's is a blast to the past. Red, worn velvet booths are everywhere with long slim tables in between.  Stuffed animals hang from the ceiling and a lllloonnngg counter on one wall sells candy and then ice cream.  He decides on a Banana Split.  I don't want too much and order a cup of Pistachio Almond.  Steven's hands ease across the table to grab mine.  When I look up he's looking at me.  Smiling.  His sweetness is overflowing and I can tell the time away has caused him to miss me...a lot.  "Did you miss me?"  "Oh, maybe a little.  I was just so busy this week I didn't have time to think about you."  He laughs at my sarcasm, and we are always sarcastic with one another.  "This place has changed," he says.  "It's definitely not the same place I worked at or where everyone hung out."  Our order arrives and we both dig into his Banana Split.  "Even the ice cream doesn't taste the same."  I can tell he is really bummed.  In his mind, he had probably been so excited to share this with me only to be totally disappointed.  Eventually we finish up and start the long drive back to my house.

Once in front, he decides he's gotta do the "man thing" and carve a parking spot out with his all-wheel drive car.  Even though there are like two clear one's in front.  A boy and his toys.  I will never understand.  This leaves me, again, to heaving my bags through the snow and ice in stiletto boots up to my apartment.  Ugh!  Inside, I drop the bag and immediately change my clothes.  By the time I'm done, Steven is walking in the door.  He removes his coat, comes to me, wraps his arms around me for a kiss that could light a fire of soaked wood on a rainy night in a forest.  We hug, talk and then chill on the couch.  Things lead to other things, and I'll leave it there.  We didn't really close the deal.

The next morning was a different story.  Sufficed to say, we actually were able to achieve "sealing the deal", which I was a little concerned about.  Maybe he's nervous, E.   "Gosh, I'm so nervous with you," he says as if reading my mind.  An hour later, both famished we decide on brunch.  I hopped in the shower and he left to do the same.  Within an hour he was back at my door...smiling.  "How about Dim Sum in Chinatown instead?"  "Sounds great. I've always wanted to do that and never have."  "Girl, you need to get out of your hood an explore this city!"  "Yes, I know.  Tell me about it. This will be great. I'm very excited."

In the car on the way down we talk.  Steven doesn't listen to the radio in the car, at least not when I'm in it, he doesn't own a TV.  He reads, writes and apparently is a budding entrepreneur inside.  He tells me about his "ideas" and how much he loves his job - the benefits and all - but that he doesn't do anything unless something major happens.

S: "I'd like to have a job like yours.  You think and use your mind.  I have so many ideas and things I'd like to do but don't know where to start."  When he starts talking about this, I sense an childlike shyness; an insecurity.  He's so confident in who he is, to see this shift softens my heart more.  He's being vulnerable with me.
E:"I can easily help you with that.  Tell me your ideas."  He does, and indeed he has some solid business ventures budding in his mind.
E: "You can do anything you want to do if you ask for help," I say.
S: "Awesome, my girlfriend is going to help me bring these to life!"
E: "I'm sorry what did you call me?"
S: "My girlfriend."
E: "Okay, just checking that I heard you correctly."  He smiles.  "So, my girlfriend has invited us to dinner with her husband next Sunday night.  Are you available?"
S: "Sure.....gosh it always gets so weird when people start asking what I do because I can't really say.  I'm, like, invisible."
E: "Just tell them your a federal officer and leave it at that."
S: "Yeah, I guess I could.  Then they think I'm a mall cop or security officer."
E: "Let 'em.  You can even tell them that you carry a water pistol and you got your badge on the Internet or out of a Kracker Jax Box."  He throws his head back and laughs.  I know I've made him feel better about it.  "But believe you me....I'm a journalist and sooner or later I'll put all the little tidbits you give me together to come up with the whole story."
S: "I have no doubt you will."

Dim Sum and then some! My word!  If you've never had Dim Sum, the best way to describe it is  Chinese Tapas, except there is no waiting.  You sit down at the table and the carts are there in seconds, perfect for the two of us about to gnaw an arm, or at least a finger.  Steven's eyes are clearly bigger than his stomach.  He takes six dishes from the carts as they come around.  I take one of everything and stuffed.  He continues to eat, we talk and finally I persuade him to take it home.  There's something nice about finding someone you can just be with.  Silence is golden and we just don't have to talk all the time.  I mean, we're never short on conversation, but in the car, at the restaurant, we can just....be.  Neither one if feels the need to have to keep the conversation going at all times.  Most of the time, he just sits and looks at me.  WHAT?  What is going on in that mind of yours?  I can't figure it out!  Just tell me already!  But I know he won't and I will continue to say "WHAT?" every time he does what he does.

It doesn't bother me, really.  Steven's eyes are warm and there's passion there.  I have a photo of him that I took off his profile.  It is the best representation of him.  Head tilted wearing a baseball cap with a half smile and his intense eyes looking directly into the camera.  That's him!  I saved it to my desktop so I can look at it.

In our phone conversation Wednesday night I noted that I had removed my profile from the dating site but noticed his was still up.  He laughed.  "It shouldn't come up.  I 'hid' it."  "Hmmm...well maybe it comes up for me because we had emailed."  "Maybe."  Today I said, "So you're profile still up online?"  He laughs.  "I just secured my girlfriend.  I'll work on it."  By Sunday night he announced that he's finally figured out how to delete his account.   Awesome!

After Dim Sum we walk around Chinatown popping a cooking store, where he bought several things cuz, you know, he's going to take a cooking class.  LOL I can't believe how cheap everything is down here.  Seriously, things sell for at least three times the cost in bigger retailers.  He buys me a knife sharpening block for $4, several large knives and an apron I found hilarious "Beware Man Cooking".  Then we were off to an herbal store.  This place is insane.  They have teas and supplements to cure every ill and we're in awe.

With the most confidence I've ever seen, Steven walks up to the guy at the counter and says "Do you have that herbal viagra stuff?"   

WHAT?  LMAO!  Oh. My. Gosh.  I have no idea what I've gotten myself into.  I'm going to become a sex slave that he's going to keep tied up in his house.  Later, when he's through with me, he'll chop me up in little pieces with his new knives and cleavers and then bury my remains in some remote area of the airport. And he'll get away with it because he's a cop with a sweet face and they'll never suspect him!

"Sure, we've got it.  How many packages do you want?"  "Just one for now.  How much?"  "$10."  "Wow, that's awesome."  "We have delivery too.  You just call us and we get it to you next day."  "Awesome, can I get a card?"  I'm am totally dying right now!  "Will that be all?"  "I don't know, let's ask the Missus.  Babe?"  WHAT?  Missus?  My mind is reeling.  It's been so long since I've had someone like this.  Someone who wants to be in a full fledged relationship with me and apparently is thinking LONG TERM.  The man has a plan for me. I know this is what I want, but it's just crazy now that it's staring me in the face.  The reality is somewhat frightening and then absolutely hilarious!  Not to mention the fact that I never thought I would be the kind of girl who likes to be called "Babe", but it turns out I really am.  "Uhm, no, I'm good."

We stop by a few more shops and then head back to his house to watch a movie.  The walk through the neighborhood was supposed to wake us from the food coma Dim Sum left behind, but it hadn't worked and I was fading fast.  Probably doesn't help that you don't sleep well with the freight train sawing his way through dreamland.  Anywhoo...we arrived at his, I snuggled up under the blanket on the couch.  "I'm going to make some orange juice."  "Okay".  An hour later he had two glasses of orange juice.  That's a lot of work for two glasses.  I had attempted to sleep but his tenant upstairs was blasting her music and the bass shook his apartment.  "Doesn't that drive you crazy?"  "No, not really."  "Wow, I would be banging on her door saying 'Turn that shit DOWN' in two seconds."  He just smiles and cuddles on the couch with me.  I, to no one's surprise, am still tired.  I need to get some sleep!

We enjoy the OJ, which was incredible.  I watch him play online Texas Hold 'Em in which he has won over $600,000.  No, this isn't real money.  One of his friends called and asked what we were doing for Valentine's Day, "We don't need one day. We're going to celebrate everyday."  Hmmmm...nice.  "We had a huge meal otherwise we'd be happy to meet you and your man for dinner.....okay...well have fun...."  Then we watch "The Social Network".  The movie has him thinking and he, again, starts talking about his ideas, dreams for his life.  I tell him I'm happy to help him get started and point him in the right direction, but I don't want that to become the focus of our relationship, "I don't want to be the girl you pity date because I'm helping you start a business."  "Never.  You will never be that to me, babe." Okay, we'll see.  But I am still going to tread lightly.

We went to bed and he woke me up at 4:30a freshly showered and ready to go to work. It was nice to wake up to him, his hand sweetly caressing my face, "Babe, time to get up." I got dressed and wondered out into the dining room where he was continuing to prepare for work.  Mmmmm.  I smile.  A man in uniform. Yum!   He grabbed his huge camo backpack and other bags and we were out the door.  When I came in, I fed Meow Mix, washed off in the shower and went back to sleep before church.

Steven came over on Sunday night and...WOW, is all I am going to say.  "What are you doing tomorrow night?  Want to get together for Valentine's Day?"  "Sure."  "Great, I know exactly where I want to go." "I like a man with a plan."  "Oh, I've got plans, baby!"

xoxo

Pittsburgh

It was really nice to have me time during the week to prepare for Pittsburgh.  Not to mention I had other work I really needed to zero in on and accomplish without distraction (aka Steven).  Boy one kiss and I want to rip his clothes off.  How. Does. He. Do. That?  And that's exactly what I did.  I got a lot of shit done.

Over the last couple of weeks I've been bringing on interns to help out with stuff like social media and event planning, and still looking for one who can come in during the week for pitching.  It's a super big help and takes some weight off my mind.  I'm the kind of person who loves to be busy, but then, when there's so much I become paralyzed.  I don't know where to start.  At that point I give up and walk away until I get a game plan together.  It's really weird and I'm highly aware of that fact.  In some ways, I'm getting everything I want but the fear gets me.  Who is afraid of success?  E....it's crazy!  

The other good thing about having my time is that I can do all of my secret girly stuff - olive oil treatment for my hair, getting my hair cut and highlighted, painting toe nails and of course, taking care of Aunt Flo for her monthly visit.  She decided to show up Wednesday night.  Great!  I'm going to be cramping and lightheaded for my trip which means I will not be showing up to this pitch at 100%.  More like 75%, if I'm lucky.  

I will admit I was a bit nervous for this trip, but talking with Steven on the phone for 2.5 hours Wednesday night helped me forget about it.  I am a big fan of being able to talk on the phone and feel it's important for couples to be able to express themselves in person, by letter/email or via phone.  For me, I suppose it's all those times I watched couples I admire be far apart for long periods of time due to work or family emergency.  They were forced to have a relationship by phone.  So, if a guy doesn't want to talk on the phone....well, we either have to work on it or not.  It's like hugs.  Hugs can be so incredibly intimate and yet most men are like fuck the hug.  Take off your dress.  Steven is a tremendous hugger!

Thursday arrives and my morning call was rescheduled, so I literally had the whole morning to get my shit together, but.....because of Aunt Flo I was moving slow and in a haze.  Before I knew it I was running late.  Can't take the train.  Now have to catch a $30 cab.  GREAT!  I'm bleeding money.

Once in Pittsburgh, my colleague and I rented a car.  We got in late so it was night time there.  However, there was just enough snow on the ground to reflect what little light there was from cars on the highway to allow me to get a glimpse of the terrain.  Huge bluffs everywhere.  It wasn't long before we came up on the edge of town and I could see how this city had built itself into these bluffs.  It was quite lovely.

Every time I go somewhere new I always wonder what I would be like today if I had grown up and lived in that place.  My colleague is a wealth of knowledge, or as he says "an intellectual trash can," and so he gave me some insight to my query.  Apparently Pittsburgh has it's own language called Pittsburghese.  Honestly, they have their own dialect and language that is specific to the area.  For instance, they don't say Steelers, it's pronounced "Stillers".

I quickly learned that even though I've grown a hard shell living in a big city it might be much thicker should I have grown up in Pittsburgh.  "You may know how to handle yourself in the city but you're still a Midwestern girl with heart," said my colleague.  And he's right.  Just then "You're in for a real treat, E."  Oh goodie!  I love a treat! And with that we entered the Pitt Tunnel. As we exited a mile or so later my breath caught.  My eyes were lit up with what seemed to be a hidden city tucked in among the Allegheny Mountains.  The bridge was beautiful and artistic, the lights of the city were everywhere.  They danced and reflected off the snow and river below.  It was indeed a treat and a mental picture I won't soon forget.

We got to the "hotel", or as I say the stinkiest Quality Inn I've ever been in, located in the university area - I had no idea that Carnegie Mellon and Pittsburgh were literally across the street from one another - and I dropped off my luggage while we waited for my colleague's 79-yr old sister to come pick us up.  She was a real treat.  A firecracker who gives 79 a good name.  She's independent, outliving two husbands, and has a quick wit.  I loved her.  At first I was worried that I "Pricelined" my hotel too far away from downtown (only about 2.5 miles away) but she told us later that downtown shuts down around 6:00p.m.  So my hotel was perfect.  She took us to a little place in the heart of it all on a cute street that was so steep I thought the car would tumble backwards from gravity.  But it didn't.  A couple of martinis and a burger and I was out for the night.

I didn't sleep all that great so the next morning was a struggle.  I managed to iron my clothes the night before, which was wise because I was moving slow....again.  Finally downstairs and into the Panera, located just under the hotel, a bagel and some Earl Grey tea and we were off.  I wasn't that nervous, but I was feeling a bit on edge.  Thankfully I had done my research on the players in the room.  While my colleague went to the bathroom and got some coffee, I walked in to the conference room and introduced myself.  Immediately, I noted the man from Oklahoma City and mentioned I grew up in Kansas.  Turns out that he went to K-State and Hutchinson Community College and had even lived in my hometown.  That really broke the ice and others joined in the conversation until my colleague arrived and we got started.

All in all, I feel the pitch went well.  I knew that we were in the lead going in but I didn't realize just how much they favored our direction until the Q&A began.  It was more like a planning meeting about moving forward than part of the pitch.  We shall see.  I don't want to get my hopes up but I am hopeful we'll get it.  It would be my largest client and bring in some money to help pay down my debts.  However, I have to keep thinking that if I don't get it, I will still be okay.  Everything has been changing in my life lately and it all started with opening myself up to Steven.

Over the years, I lived in my past.  I've had regrets for breaking hearts and such.  Mostly for breaking one heart for a guy who would end up abusing me.  It's as if I felt I didn't deserve God's blessings and so I blocked myself from receiving.  No more!  I am open and ready.....finally.....

xoxo

Frozen Tundra, Frozen Heart

If you've ever wondered what it's like to be an igloo, come to Chicago.  It's cold and there's WAY too much snow - although pretty, I had to shovel and so it loses its novelty quickly.  Even typing, I can feel every single muscle in my hands and arms. Let's not talk about my back.  However, I want to lose a 10-er and I certainly dumped some cals yesterday.

Due to the storm arriving Tuesday, Steven was put on mandatory overtime and wasn't going to leave work until Thursday, so we rescheduled our plans.  That is until he texted me at 4:30 saying they had too many people on and he was coming home, would I like to get together.  Dude, major snow storm has already started.  We're talking BLIZZARD!  Are you nuts? I responded that it looked like traffic and roads were getting bad and it would be better to wait.  He seemed bummed.  It was like he had no idea that the third worst storm on record was hitting us that night!  Then again, if a man wants something he'll cross rivers and dig through snow drifts the size of The Rockies to reach it. 

Sure enough, within two hours I was downstairs shoveling - four inches.  My neighbor was out and offered to help.  Three hours later I go back out and my previous efforts had been completely blown away.  It was as if I hadn't been out there at all.  So, I shoveled again.  By morning, there was absolutely no sign of my hard work and this is what I awoke to:

Yep, that's a car, kids.  Right in front of my house.  Fortunately, I was smart enough to make a deal with the two boys downstairs to help with the shoveling.  Boy One started about 9:00a and made his way through about two feet of snow in a four foot path on the sidewalk before giving up.  While I appreciate his efforts, the foot of snow on our landing was shoveled into the gangway on the side of the house (a walk way between houses for people to get to their doors in a multi-flat building.  Not to mention where our mailboxes are) making the drift there about four feet.  Great.  I went out a little later and started from the back of the house where the drifts were nearly three feet and shoveled out the gangway.  It was actually quite pretty and I hated to disrupt the artwork created by the wind, but it had to be done.  The boys hollered at me to come in for coffee when I was finished.  I did and we took a break.  A break which included me showing the two of them how to use their sewing machine.  Twenty-something straight boys who sew.  Well, you have to figure one's a chef and the other a musician.  Creative types who smoke pot and aren't afraid to admit they sew.  Nice.

Finally, boy neighbor two and his girlfriend bundled up in snow gear and we all went back out to finish the job.  Bot Two took the incredibly deep gangway and stairs and us two gals took turns on another shovel.  Sooner or later I decide to take a look at the streets.  Imagine a drift down the middle that's about 18 inches...no doubt three young girls wanted to hit the home store by me and instead of taking the cleared main streets decided they would take a shortcut, which got them stuck about 50 feet into their journey.  I rallied the other two and we brought our shovels.  After a lot of team work from neighbors and the school caretaker in his little John Deere with shovel attached to the front, we finally managed to get them out.  We'd been out for three hours.  Time. To. Go. Home.

Not so fast.  Someone else needs help and as we start to dig them out, a guy comes up and asks if we need an extra shovel.  Yes!  His name is Aaron a 20-something who lives up the street.  Nice guy and a huge help.  Seems Boys One and Two took a shine to the kid and they were already talking about getting together to hang out and do some weed.  Naturally!

It's amazing how we forget everyday that we, as people, are more alike than we are different.  It's only in times like these, or tragedy - when we share an instant common bond - that we actually reach out to help one another.  I wonder how many of us bother to check on our neighbors at times like this?

We walk back to our house and if shoveling isn't exercise, walking through the snow alone will get the heart pumping.  Chicago is flat but at this moment it has its own set of hills and valleys.  Almost like hiking in sand.  The kind of sand that fails to support your weight and often surprises you as a foot sinks, sometimes two feet, to the bottom - a combination of walking through shallow water and walking up a midget-sized "quick" sand dune over and over again.  It's quite the workout. The exhaustion hits me and I skip the invitation from Boys One and Two to come in for cider with brandy, although incredibly tempting.  Once inside I peel off my wet clothes pulled on the warmest, thickest flannel pants ever made, two shirts and a sweater, wool socks and snuggle under my down comforter in front of the TV for a DVR marathon.  I didn't even have the energy for a hot bath, which I should have taken to relief the muscle pain I would feel the next day.  I was so exhausted I fell asleep.

When I woke up this morning, it was if my body aged by 40 years.  The back, butt and shoulders we sore.  It's as if someone had placed thick, tight rubber bands throughout my torso to keep me from twisting and bending.  It took a good 10 minutes to even get out of my very warm bed.  Once vertical I tried to do some stretching to loosen things up.  No luck.  Into the hot shower.  It was helpful but I could still feel the tightness as I stand, balanced on one foot to pull on my faux Uggs.  I do this all of the time and I couldn't seem to get any muscle to work.  I try again and finally give up, moving to the chair to sit.  Even then pulling my leg up and into my chest was an impossible feat.

Despite the feeling that I'd rather go back to my cozy bed on this barely 5 degree morning, I was quite excited.  You're thinking "date night" but that isn't actually it. Today, I interviewed interns to help with some of my business tasks that simply just take too much time.  I'd like to grow and focus on cultivating new business, but there's just too much on my plate.  If you can't afford to hire someone then grow your business on the backs of interns.  Two of three are going to be great and I'm excited for them to start next week.  The third, while working on a masters degree, doesn't have any experience in my particular field of marketing, and, unfortunately, I just don't have the time to teach her.  I want people with some experience who want to grow that experience.  While helping me, I can help them develop the skills they need to prepare them for a paying job, to help them stand out - but secretly I really hope they all stay for the rest of their lives.  Hey, if they help me grow my business then I just might be able to pay them.  

As far as tonight with Steven goes, the self-sabotage has started.  I've already named every reason why it won't work out with him.  Being aware is the first step to changing the behavior, and I am....trying.  I'm just plain scared.  It's ironic, really, because this is something I really want in my life. In fear, I put the brakes on.  I'm kind of like a guy who needs to step back, internalize things and then revisit the problem with a solution.

When I think about moving forward with him I get a knot in my stomach that requires a few glasses of wine.  Is it self-sabotage or my intuition speaking?  I can't tell.  I start questioning whether I will hurt him in the end, but then I remember that love is a gamble.  There's a real chance that someone can and will always get hurt.  I really don't want to rush into anything with him and I've begun to pull away a small bit.  I wait longer to respond to his text messages and I'm keeping myself very focused on me and the business. Cuz let's face it, once he finds out my reality he may just change his perception of me and walk away.  Any man might.  So, I need to stay focused on improving my reality and it starts with me.

I suppose it doesn't help that the dating service called and wants me to come in next Tuesday before setting me up with someone.  The curiosity...I know!  Shut up! It's hard when this has been you're love life for 10 years.  Someone is always coming and going and I'm always forced to look ahead to something else.

Kisses aren't contracts.  Kisses aren't contracts.....Let go of the guilt, E!

Details tomorrow....stay warm, everybody!

xoxo

Which Direction Did You Say To Go?

The last few months I've really been questioning where I'm going and what I'm doing.  For real?  Is that what you just said?  Yeah, fer real! And you thought I had it all figured out.  Me TOO!  Psych!

Yes, the decision to move is still a good one but the real question, the thing that has left me in limbo is whether to get a job or not.  Seems that since all this crazy shit went down that things have really been turning around and now I have all this opportunity in front of me.  I feel like Job.  You know, the guy who lost everything, faced every challenge and tragedy, remained faithful and was rewarded 10-fold?  Yeah, that guy.  That's who I felt like and who I still feel like.  It's crazy!

I was really, really leaning to taking a secure job and almost even more so when I FINALLY did that interview.  Interesting and easy really.  I suppose I'm so used to selling myself on a constant basis to clients that the job interview process seems like a breeze.  Let me tell you that all in all, if I were to take a job, this one is the BOMB!  We're talking relo, great salary, bennies and flex work (read: ability to work from home).  I thought it went really well but know they're talking to seven of us.  I have yet to hear from them about moving further into the process.  If I did they'd want to fill the position by end of December.  Needless to say, lots to think about.  But then....


This week I've had two new business proposals to do - one still to finish - and now I'm teaching my first 3-hr workshop to small business owners, who, I might add, are paying a whopping $60 bucks to attend.  Here's where it get's funny, or a little scary....a local reporter saw the class online and decided to do a story that would include me.  Yeah, wait...it gets better.  She's not just writing a story, but apparently producing one for a syndicated TV program that airs in 100 markets across the country.  Holy SHIT!  LOL  Fer real!  And those clients I'm pitching new business to aren't talking to anyone else.  Two I've worked with before and one saw that I was teaching this workshop, called the organization for my information and then called me.  Now that's the kind of competition I like.  None!

So, if I'm supposed to be listening to the Big Guy I would say that he's telling me everything I need to know, right?  All I can say that I've been so busy as of late (two pro bono clients suddenly just took off, along with loads of fun things happening for paying clients) that I haven't even had time to look for jobs.  I'm sure it will all settle down soon, but I keep wondering....if all of this is happening it must be for a reason, and if I move forward in the interview process for this position and get offered the job how do I know what decision to make?  Fuck!  Hate this.  Then again...there I go making mountains out of mole hills.  I have no idea if I'll move forward in the process, so until then I keep doing what I'm doing and controlling what I can control.  That's all any of us can do, right?

Time will tell and I have faith that it will all be laid out for me in due time.  

Man, I need a vacation!  I'm really looking forward to seeing my family next week (I'm sure I'll blog about that craziness), get some rest and a major change of scenery.  In the meantime, you should know that my Christmas is TOTALLY DONE!  Well, okay, with the minor exception of my nephew...but I'm loving it!!  It's cut my stress, and drinking, by more than half, I'm sure.  Thanks to all of you for your awesome ideas for inexpensive and creative gifts.  You totally rock! 

xoxo

You Get What You Give

I've always believe this one thing: You get what you give. There's a great song by The New Radicals that truly inspired me to continue living in this way.  It is my theme song, of sorts, and always lifts me up.

While I am on my journey I continue to follow this sort of Golden Rule.  It truly works but it can be difficult.  I often wonder to myself how it is that I am so busy and yet not generating the revenue to reflect it.  Well, it's because I do pro bono work and I'm a big believer in it.  My pro bono clients are some of the best for generating quality referrals for my business.  They are, at times, the clients I am most happy working for.  The joys of success feel higher. Now, there are some, which I will not name, that come and go or simply ask too much of me and I, eventually, have to let them go.

This year, in an effort to focus on me for a change, I let go of some of my volunteer work because it was just taking too much of my time. I have one regular pro bono client, a 17-year old, extraordinary nonprofit founder who is generating tons of press.  I'm so happy to be part of her life and inspired as a factor of her being part of mine.  She is changing the world in a way I used to think I would, but, well, I do, but in a much smaller way.  I'm happy to be part of her good work and to help her realize her dreams for her organization.

This week has been full of opportunities including helping promote a documentary that is getting rave reviews and awards all over the world.  I'm simply helping raise awareness in Chicago, but the film's content and meaning are moving and something I'm lucky to be part of.

It's hard not to live by the motto "You get what you give" and not consider what you will receive in return.  What I am receiving....new clients, opportunities and connections.  They just happen.  It's inexplicable and I can only consider it as God or the universe.

A good friend of mine in recovery said that the best thing that ever happened to her was The Program.  "Let go and let God" had a meaning to her that she reminded me was powerful.  We can only control what we can.  Just get up and do daily.  Live up to your obligations and never forget to do for yourself, and the rest will fall into place.  There is a plan for each one of us that is greater than even we can imagine.  We just have to stick to the path, get up every morning excited for what might happen and go with the flow of that which does happen.  In her wise words, "Let life happen.  It can't be controlled by any of us.  We can only control those things which do happen to us, the blessings, and let Him reveal the rest. And it always happens at the exact time you need it."

As I consider what I want for myself, I also start doubting.  I doubt my choice to leave the city I love so much and all the connections I've made here.  There is a wonder if I will be forgotten and whether these amazing things - connections, networking and connecting people or even achieving new business - will continue.  I know that many will forget me, in time, but I hate that.  I feel like, despite technology, that people are more and more "out of sight, out of mind".  Including the Gay BF who recently announced how he will replace me.  I suppose that's what got me thinking. We can only hope to make a mark on each person's heart the likes of which is unforgettable.

So my mission to live with that in mind and remember to give more than I receive is what makes me believe I have, am and will continue to leave a mark no matter where I go.  Again, this week, despite the tug and pull with doubt, I was reminded of my desire to be closer to my family.  And those I've touched, well, it will be a blessing for them to remember me and stay in touch. 

To the city I love, Chicago, my good friend *Susan sent me the best article for my birthday.  It came to her about the time she was deciding whether to move out of the city or not.  Much like this writer who left New York City for the wide-open spaces of Arizona, I may be confusing the heartbeat of the city with that of my own.  I love you but I can create my own heartbeat and energy wherever it is I go. 


A couple of updates:

• The Job Interview: She finally called last Monday to schedule an interview for 10a the next morning.  After not hearing from her and working to track down her phone number, I called her at 10:25 and left a message.  It took her three days to get back to me.  She did apologize and asked to reschedule.  I have yet to hear back from her per my email....So far, I'm not impressed with them, but it's an interview.  I was reminded by a friend that I should have no problem interviewing because I'm always pitching new business, and myself.  
• The SHOES - a couple of you wanted to know the overall effect of my "Tone and Walks".  Well, they're comfortable for sure, but as much as I wear them, I can't tell if they're making a difference. It is an uphill battle, though.  They have to compete with wine....
• Love life - pretty dead right now, since I've decided to be selfish and really focus on me.  I'm still open to any opportunities, but believe me, if a guy wants to go out with me, he'll fucking call!  I can only say that, sadly, it's up to lip slut to have fun and the fact I'm not meeting "the one" or anyone resembling him is based solely on my current goals.

Go out and give!  Love is the greatest gift we have to give to one another and it will come back.

xoxo

Freaky Tuesday Horoscope

My personal horoscope today  Scary...

"Has what used to be shiny and exhilarating become lackluster? Is your love life leaving much to be desired? Has your social calendar become sparse? Is your career at a low point? There's always something you can do to make any dull aspect of your life sparkle again! Jupiter is square Pluto, ushering in an intense, provocative energy. You want to renew your passion." 

This last weekend a client bounced a check that had a snowball effect.  That's IT!  I can't do this anymore.  I'm exhausted.  I wake up every morning and take a risk and that's about all the energy I have left for any other risks in life.  So, I've officially applied for a job and now applying for a lecture position that I think I am perfect for.  It's time to diversify and stop letting other factors determine my outcome.  Let's just hope they're gentle with the background check.  My credit blows.  But as my gf, Susan*, said "everybody's credit is shot and I guarantee you're still better off than many other people," which is probably very true, I just hate my reality.

It's time to sparkle again.  To be audacious once more!

The White Dress Lifted the Fog

It's amazing how the right dress can put you in the mood to feel beautiful and successful.

It's been awhile since I've had a real business meeting, and today was one of those days.  Seriously, why do you think I needed to get pretty on Sunday?  It's been awhile.  I work from home - currently in army green shorts and my orange UT shirt (my BFF, Dawn*, and I had a, well, memorable trip to Austin...Bugtussle!).

It was fucking hot and muggy here!  The kind of day when you walk out of the house and wonder why you even bothered showering.  The right clothing is crucial in this weather. So, today I braved wearing my favorite white linen, brocade, sleeveless roped empire waist, white dress with black slings with white flower on the toe to a new business meeting with two new male clients.  I say braved because I'm one of those people who wears something white and even though I'm nowhere near an Italizn restaurant, somehow I still end up getting something bright red dribbled down the front.  This is the same with white shirts, skirts, pants and shorts.  I can be standing, not touching anything and will still get a mark or stain the size of Texas on my white clothes.

I guess you could say I needed a little, for lack of a better reference, Sex & The City mojo today.  After all, I'm in my mid-30's, I'm not dead, fairly attractive and nothing says confident, successful business woman like a great outfit. It worked!  It totally lifted me out of my fog.

It's times like this when I love walking around the busseling streets of downtown Chicago.  In fact, I was right down by the set of Transformers.  Interesting to see how they do what they do to make a city looked demolished. 

So, it's interesting, however, that I've discovered over the years that there's real psychology behind the way you dress.  For instance, with woman, depending on the business, I either dress nice casual or pump up the accessories with an all black or blue outfit.  With men, I typically wear pants and heels, always.  It sort of says "don't think of me as a fragile woman, but one of the guys".  Yes, I did wear a dress (I said it was hot and gross here), but the right dress can say exactly what you need it to in any occasion.  It's all in how accessorize.

Yes, I've officially won the business (the second in a month), and, more importantly, I'm not worrying about whether more business will come or not.  I'm just open to receiving everything that is meant to be given me.  Ten points for Epiphany! It's pretty freeing.  The dress too...from the stifling humidity.

Mean People SUCK

Mean people suck, fffooorrr shizzle!  They make me crazy.  Stressed out.  My stomach goes into knots.  My shoulder and neck tighten.  I start to panic and immediately want to swim in a bottle of Shiraz.  Even now at 10 a.m....Aaarrrgghhh!

It's even worse when they're your client, and let me tell you I've had some real doozies over the years - from the guy I got more than six million TV impressions one day to being fired the next (of course I haven't seen anything on them since), to a franchise group where the good old boys just didn't like me cuz I am a chica (again, never seen anything on them since).   

This one comes way of a partnership that came to me to help with a book they wrote.  I could tell right off the bat one of the women was going to be trouble.  Snippy in conference calls, snippy on email.

Now, sometimes, I understand this behavior.  I find that people may not fully understand what I do, the process and how it all works.  I get that.  But it's their insecurity about it that turns them into crazy, five-headed monsters whirling their tongues all around making hissing noises.  With men, I just have to be a bit bitchy and tell them how it is and they completely respect me, but women.  They're different.  You know that saying how women are so hard on one another?  Well, it definitely rings true in this situation, and I think for Ms. McSnippy Pants its personal insecurity, competition, and the desire to have power over people.  This woman is truly a piece of work, riding me, asking questions....you know what BITCH?  You're only paying to work 10 hours a month for you so KISS IT!  Want to pay me $50,000 for the project?  I'll gladly bend over.  But you don't, so I won't.

I was really starting to wonder where the other partner fell in all of this until I get an email requesting a phone conversation.  "Great!" I think.  "I'm already losing business before it's started."  So Ms. Fabulous, potential-client-of-the-year, fills me in on all the details and, yep, I'm not the only one who can't stand Ms. McSnippy Pants.  Turns out that Snippy might not be as successful as she claims and Fab is the one who actually wrote the book and did all the work while Snippy was just going to cash in.  

Awesome!  Wish we could all skate through life like that.  Must be nice to have everyone else do your work for you!  

Fab then announces that she's leaving the partnership because she refuses to be treated this way any more.  Can't blame her.  It's not like I've really enjoyed it.  Then she forwards me McSnippy-turned-SuperBitch's email response where she has the gumption to attack me!  Whatever crazy-town-USA.  It seemed to me that her response was purely defensive.  As if she knows that she's been total crap, is mad at herself, but instead of changing that behavior she just projectile vomits her projection of emotions onto others.  You know, that irritates.  Take care of your own shit.  Others are not responsible or to blame.

So where does that leave me?  Well, we're still moving forward and hoping my mad skills can prove their worth in the next few weeks.  Now the duo are going to be paying me separately which means, yep, you guessed correctly, Bitchy McSnippy isn't ever going to pay me SHIT!  Again, awesome.

How do these people find me?  My business is my baby.  I love my logo (and other things. Shutup!), but do I want to deal with this shit anymore?  I think this is one of the things that I'm most tired of.  It's just wearing me down....some people suck and ruin it for everyone.

Hamster on a Wheel

Do you have those mornings when you get up and don't want to go to work? I've been having those a lot lately.

I know that I'm good at what I do, but I just don't think I love it anymore. The marketing industry has changed so much with the Internet and social media. It's different in good ways and others bad. It's not the same as how it was when I fell in love with my career. I feel the entire face of my industry has changed and while some of it is fun, most of it isn't. Most of the time I feel like a hamster on a wheel.

Since I started my own business it's always been an ebb and flow - work comes and goes. Every morning I swing my legs out of bed and jump off a cliff. There are no guarantees. It's stressful. You have to pay extra for taxes and health insurance....don't even get me started. At the end of the day I pay more out than I have to live on. It's depressing. Then again, most people don't do what I've done as a single or without a trust fund or family to invest. This has been all me and I'm tired of fighting alone.

I've always enjoyed working for myself, managing my time and having more freedom - although I can work seven days a week. One can say I like being the boss. There is a certain amount of control there. That I can control my career rather than have it decided by a potential pink slip - that is the reason I went out on my own in the first place, I was tired of the pink slip. Mostly, I enjoy the management and decided a few weeks ago that, until I figure out my next steps in life, I have to continue what I'm doing and change the structure of my business. That means outsourcing, which means I'll make less, but at least I know someone who enjoys certain elements of this work will get it done with joy and excellence. I can't say I have either of those at the moment. One thing at a time....

Now, I want to do anything but work. I'd rather watch Oprah, movies on Lifetime, write. In fact, this blog is the one thing I can't wait to get up and do each day.

I think it's mostly the doubt, the not knowing which direction my life is going. I still have tremendous faith that I will be led in the right direction, but it's hard. I've always believed that if you're doing what you're meant to then it comes easy. Life comes easy. It's not easy right now. I feel overwhelmed by it all and that makes me want to escape, rollerblading and sitting lakeside every day, all day (suppose, to meet my physical health goals, this is a good thing).

I always wanted to join the ranks of those who run, but with terrible knees running is literally pounding the pavement, and my joints, to shreds. Rollerblading is awesome cardio and, in the city, a mode of transportation. The best part is that I can take a break, sit along the lake watching the sailboats, or lay on my back listening to the sound of waves and watching the clouds pass by. I want to enjoy my career as much as I enjoy this.

Diane* and I have yet to discuss the next tasks regarding my Top 10 Things That Make Me Happy list. She used this same approach to find her new path in life and her guidance is priceless to me. I'm hoping that it will help sort out the plethora of thoughts in my head, calm me and give me the strength to take one more risk. In the meantime, I have to let go of how I think everyone else around me will feel about the decisions I make for my life and make them for me.