You Get What You Give

I've always believe this one thing: You get what you give. There's a great song by The New Radicals that truly inspired me to continue living in this way.  It is my theme song, of sorts, and always lifts me up.

While I am on my journey I continue to follow this sort of Golden Rule.  It truly works but it can be difficult.  I often wonder to myself how it is that I am so busy and yet not generating the revenue to reflect it.  Well, it's because I do pro bono work and I'm a big believer in it.  My pro bono clients are some of the best for generating quality referrals for my business.  They are, at times, the clients I am most happy working for.  The joys of success feel higher. Now, there are some, which I will not name, that come and go or simply ask too much of me and I, eventually, have to let them go.

This year, in an effort to focus on me for a change, I let go of some of my volunteer work because it was just taking too much of my time. I have one regular pro bono client, a 17-year old, extraordinary nonprofit founder who is generating tons of press.  I'm so happy to be part of her life and inspired as a factor of her being part of mine.  She is changing the world in a way I used to think I would, but, well, I do, but in a much smaller way.  I'm happy to be part of her good work and to help her realize her dreams for her organization.

This week has been full of opportunities including helping promote a documentary that is getting rave reviews and awards all over the world.  I'm simply helping raise awareness in Chicago, but the film's content and meaning are moving and something I'm lucky to be part of.

It's hard not to live by the motto "You get what you give" and not consider what you will receive in return.  What I am receiving....new clients, opportunities and connections.  They just happen.  It's inexplicable and I can only consider it as God or the universe.

A good friend of mine in recovery said that the best thing that ever happened to her was The Program.  "Let go and let God" had a meaning to her that she reminded me was powerful.  We can only control what we can.  Just get up and do daily.  Live up to your obligations and never forget to do for yourself, and the rest will fall into place.  There is a plan for each one of us that is greater than even we can imagine.  We just have to stick to the path, get up every morning excited for what might happen and go with the flow of that which does happen.  In her wise words, "Let life happen.  It can't be controlled by any of us.  We can only control those things which do happen to us, the blessings, and let Him reveal the rest. And it always happens at the exact time you need it."

As I consider what I want for myself, I also start doubting.  I doubt my choice to leave the city I love so much and all the connections I've made here.  There is a wonder if I will be forgotten and whether these amazing things - connections, networking and connecting people or even achieving new business - will continue.  I know that many will forget me, in time, but I hate that.  I feel like, despite technology, that people are more and more "out of sight, out of mind".  Including the Gay BF who recently announced how he will replace me.  I suppose that's what got me thinking. We can only hope to make a mark on each person's heart the likes of which is unforgettable.

So my mission to live with that in mind and remember to give more than I receive is what makes me believe I have, am and will continue to leave a mark no matter where I go.  Again, this week, despite the tug and pull with doubt, I was reminded of my desire to be closer to my family.  And those I've touched, well, it will be a blessing for them to remember me and stay in touch. 

To the city I love, Chicago, my good friend *Susan sent me the best article for my birthday.  It came to her about the time she was deciding whether to move out of the city or not.  Much like this writer who left New York City for the wide-open spaces of Arizona, I may be confusing the heartbeat of the city with that of my own.  I love you but I can create my own heartbeat and energy wherever it is I go. 


A couple of updates:

• The Job Interview: She finally called last Monday to schedule an interview for 10a the next morning.  After not hearing from her and working to track down her phone number, I called her at 10:25 and left a message.  It took her three days to get back to me.  She did apologize and asked to reschedule.  I have yet to hear back from her per my email....So far, I'm not impressed with them, but it's an interview.  I was reminded by a friend that I should have no problem interviewing because I'm always pitching new business, and myself.  
• The SHOES - a couple of you wanted to know the overall effect of my "Tone and Walks".  Well, they're comfortable for sure, but as much as I wear them, I can't tell if they're making a difference. It is an uphill battle, though.  They have to compete with wine....
• Love life - pretty dead right now, since I've decided to be selfish and really focus on me.  I'm still open to any opportunities, but believe me, if a guy wants to go out with me, he'll fucking call!  I can only say that, sadly, it's up to lip slut to have fun and the fact I'm not meeting "the one" or anyone resembling him is based solely on my current goals.

Go out and give!  Love is the greatest gift we have to give to one another and it will come back.

xoxo

I'm Moving

The last two weeks have been enlightening and frightening here.  Just when I thought I was going crazy, something happened that forced my eyes open and question what it is that I really want in this life, and it's not in Chicago.

That's right boys and girls, Epiphany has made some big decisions and one of them is to move back to Kansas City, closer to family, give up my business, if necessary, and start fresh.  After all, I'm not a young pup, like I was when I picked up, moved to Chicago and didn't look back, but I'm not dead yet either.  The pull to be closer to family has really been quite strong over the last few years and, so far, none of my friends are that surprised, though there are a few more to tell.

Maybe the pull is a result of not being happy for some time here.  Maybe it's just time.  There are things that I want for my life that I am not getting here, most importantly a quality of life.

I love Chicago.  In fact, I've been having a love affair with this city since I moved here.  It doesn't leave much room to have a decent love affair with anyone else.  Problem #1.

I love having a business in the city where I can work from home because I can walk out my door and be in the thick of things.  Never a dull moment.  I'd like to find this vibe in my future new home, but who knows.

One of my gf's moved here from the South and told me that as much as she loves Chicago it's not the end all be all for her.  She just came because of a job and "poof" she found everything she's been looking for.  I can't say the same.  Aside of amazing friends, life just feels a little....empty.

We're so conditioned to have an "exciting life" in the big city, going out all the time, lip slutting around and that makes us fabulous.  Really, it's just kind of lonely.  It's definitely time for a fresh start.  The timeline: within one year.  And, I feel really, really good about this.  It's scary to think about starting all over again, but I need an adventure and have conquered my other fears about change.  This is going to be a great thing.  In the meantime, I'm still moving forward:

• Application for faculty position sent in - check
• Landed opportunity to teach a workshop for a local business organization - check
• Proactively contacted a recruiter in KC to begin looking for opportunities - check
• Still lip slutting around Chicago (why not share the love before I go) - check
• Sister1 has offered to let me stay at her house with hubby until I land something and get a job - check
• Official target date: Late June 2011, but could happen before that

With all of this said, I think I'm giving myself plenty of time to love the city one last time and prepare for the break up.  However, it might be best to rip myself apart from this place like a band-aid. Get it over with.



(Watch, I'll make all the plans to move and everything will fall in place here.  That would be my luck. Nah, this desire to go back is too strong.)

Perfect Summer Day and Best Discovery Ever

Chicago is known for its summer street festivals.  God bless the people who live nearby who have to listen to a collection of bad bands and thumping for three days.  It used to be the highlight of my summer nightlife.   Can't tell you how many flirts I've met at a variety of fests over the years, but now I just feel old. 

While I love a good drinking bender as much as anyone else, I haven't been to any street fests in a couple of years because it's really the same shit.  Shitty food, shitty light beer (or cocktails made with cheap vodka, wretch!), shitty vendors and shitty, overplayed bands.

Yesterday, one of my gfs came in from the burbs with the purpose of hitting a street festival. We refused the suggested donation entrance fee (cuz we're rebels like that) and as we walked in were greeted with an Amy Winehouse lookalike (drug-induced anorexia and all) who sounded more like Leonard Cohen than a real singer.  We were getting off to a great start.

It was a beautiful, and I mean PERFECT Chicago summer day - 82 degrees, clear blue sky...mmmm... perfect - and I could smell the gianormous Italian sausages, drooled over the extra large corndogs (maybe I need sex) and bad Chinese food.  Now, we're both big fans of people watching and it was a great location to do just that.  There are the overly skinny models dressed in, well, nothing and wearing four-inch heels on asphalt (eeekk, eight hours a day. Dogs be barking!), the leather bag-tanned guy selling surfing photos (where you get on the surfboard with faux background - classic!) and, of course, everywhere you look 20-somethings are getting wasted and hooking up, even on a Sunday (let's just say I was a bit jealous).

Up and down both sides of the block was a woman's shopping wet-dream of faux designer handbags and sunglasses from Prada and Gucci to Kate Spade, over-priced jewelry and this new discovery....a wrap-around skirt-like piece that you can tie into 20 different dresses, skirts and tops.  Magnificent!  I haven't actually spent more than $25 on clothes in the past year (clothing swaps twice a year - hello!) and had to have this piece of revolutionary, hand-made silk.  Seriously, if I can turn it into 10 different dresses, it's totally worth it!  If you know me, you may be seeing it in all it's forms in coming months.  Brills!

We only lasted about an hour and half at the fest - we went, we saw, walked out, and found a nearby patio for real adult beverages, snacks and a bit of suntanning.  It was only four hours of my Sunday but it was living.  I even actually got (gasp) pretty (read: wore a cute dress).  It was one of those times when you're not working, no worries, and just simply enjoying the beauty of life, and its indulgences, with good friends.  Next weekend hoping to go to my gf's in the burbs and spend the day on her bf's new boat.  Is there anything better?

A Flirt: The Neighbor

About a year ago, my neighbor and I made out. He's younger (uhm, FINE! 25. He's 25! At least I'm not going to jail for it) and adorable. He was a terrible kisser but a little instruction and we were good. Again, he's sssoooo cute and adorable.

What I love about guys in their 20's is what I love about guys in their late 30's-early 40's. In their 20's-30's you can imagine what that baby face is going to look like at 40. It may take men longer to grow into themselves, but it's highly worth it and let me tell you, The Neighbor is going to be a super hottie! For right now, he is a load of fun to flirt with and....

So, last night I was trying to be good, getting perfect and ready for a crazy day of events, and I heard all of my neighbors out front. I say,"Sure I can go hang with them for a bit and be asleep by 10:30p." HA! I went down to hang out and let my nails dry without thinking I have a big, HUGE nasty red pimple on my face that is not fit or public consumption - I had washed my face earlier to treat the little fucker with the hope that it might disappear before this morning. That, of course, wasn't the case. Once you remember something like that you start to rest your chin in your hand until you just say "Fuck it!" and keep having fun. My neighbors and I have, for the most part, seen each other at our unshowered-messy-bedhead-unshaven-worst, and while I like to try and look presentable at all times, sometimes you just forget. Oddly enough, it must have been the alcohol or the pot he was smoking, but apparently I was lookin' good to him (doesn't hurt that the sun was setting. I always look better by candle and moonlight)!

I love to watch boys flirt - with me, of course. Some make it SO obvious that it's fun to sit back and receive. The Neighbor is one of those. Sooner or later there was a "come up and check out what they did to my apartment" (make out session - MUCH improved!); "would you like some wine? come up I'll get you a glass" (make out session); and finally the "can you show me where your bathroom is" which led to full on make out session and...more fun. However, me being a stickler that I am, not too much fun was had cuz I had to get up super early. (HEY! At my age, we need our beauty sleep!) Plus, why not save something for a rainy day - in the forecast soon.

It's been some time, I will admit, since I've had this kind of attention and...fun. It's not that I haven't been looking, it's just that The Neighbor is really only fun, whereas I'm looking for a relationship. A lasting one. Someone to have fun with all the time. I'm tired of this transient-lover BS. I want one to stay. Nonetheless, it was MUCH needed fun to remind me of the simple pleasure that is a man. Stay tuned for that rainy day.

Finding My Epiphany

This is my truth. At 36 yrs old I am a blessed woman - single, living in a fabulous international city, but not generally happy with my life. I am lost. Like a lot of people, I am a seeker. After a lifetime following, what I feel to be, other people's expectations on my life, I'm searching for where my life should be; where I want it to be.

I am broke (told you this is my truth), and when I mean broke I mean a load of debt from various culprits (clothing not withstanding) and starting a business, which I'm not even sure I want to do anymore. The marketing industry has changed so much and I just don't know if it's for me, but I'll get to that later. Moreover, I'm single. I realize that this is mostly of my own doing (a plethora of stories on the way), but I'm through with it. It's time to be honest with myself about myself and with those I love.

I'm through with the fear of just about everything in life. I'm tired of looking at the skidmarks life has left on my roadway; memories of all things shitty in my past and not remotely reflective of who I was back then, and clouding the vision of who I am today. If you knew me back when, I was so.....audacious. Nothing could stop me and now....I'm literally hitting my mid-life crisis before midlife! Like I said, I'm seeking. I'm seeking my own personal epiphany on life, love and career, and boy do I have a lot to accomplish!

I'm ready to become the individual I am meant to be - happy, find my "the one" and a career that I LOVE! More importantly, I'm ready to take the chances required to make all of these things happen. Are you with me?

Are you feeling lost? This will be therapeutic, not just for me but for all women (and men) out there searching for their true purpose, truth in life and true path. It is an epiphany by the best definition and it covers every aspect of my life and being (and possibly yours).

Why a blog. I am a writer. Always have been. Whether it was diary(s) as a kid, poems depicting heartbreak and the overall torture of being a teenager, or song lyrics and writing a lot for my career - I love to write. It is my therapy, and since I felt journaling all of this might cause my hand to shrivel up and die, I chose a blog.

So, take this ride with me. Over the course of the next year I will:

• Lose a few L-Bs(tone up) and KEEP it off. No more yo-yoing
• Find my "the one"
  
• Discover the career I am meant to have
• Uncover the root to all my "screwedupness" and openly challenge the ones I love to take this journey with me
• And pursue my passions
  

I hope that you will find in this blog the strength to seek and find your life and truth with me. After all, we're human. We travel in packs. We need one another.

Who am I? Just call me Epiphany.

This is my epiphany, and yours. We are all an epiphany in the works. I have faith in my epiphany, and so should you. I choose to remain anonymous because while this blog is about me, I know that so many people can easily relate to my daily challenges, reflections, inspirations and....epiphanies. We're on the road of life together. No one walks alone.

Always,
Epiphany


PS Only a very small number of people know who I am. To protect the innocent, and to preserve the likes of any relationship I might care to retain during my honesty purge towards epiphany, all names are either "in code" or changed completely.