Life is Funny - No Lemons, Then Lots of Lemonade

So, I've been a stranger.  Guilty.

It's interesting how things unfold in life.  You make one decision and then everything explodes in another direction.  Don't get me wrong.  My aim is still to move back to Kansas City to be closer to family, but as I look back on the last month, or so, I'm beginning to realize that it wasn't as much about making the decision to move, it was more about the decision to let go of my business.  To say "I'm not a failure.  I gave it 10 years and now it's time to move on; to better provide for myself."  To let it go and be okay with it.

Since that time, my outlook has been different.  Before I would say "I won't give up my business until I've tried everything."  While I haven't done everything, I am still moving forward with it because, let's face it, it's a job and I am making money.  The whole process of letting go has presented new opportunities. Opportunities that mean business and more money coming through my door.  Although my business is one of short-term agreements and contracts with small businesses, I still have to be flexible, but in the last month...."let the flood gates open!"

Seriously, I felt like there were no lemonades to squeeze, and now....life is truly funny and always interesting.  You have to stay alert because it will always through you for a loop!

I'm not saying I'm making TONS of money, but I'm growing steadily, and surely at a rate I can handle.  And yes, some clients have morphed or we've finished what we can do for them, but that just leaves room for more things to happen.  I'm definitely not saying that everything is going to be A-Ok from here on out.  I'm not saying that I won't leave it all behind and take a job - if the right one comes along - but what I am saying is that I'm happy for the moment.  My responsibilities still weigh heavy on my mind and sometimes keep me from sleeping at night, but I have faith.  I just know that it will be okay and whatever is to be will be.

In the meantime, more and more ideas come to me to grow my business and to really separate myself out.  One, is the generous help of Brother-in-law1 who is generously redesigning my website, and it's going to be awesome!  I'm completely grateful for the renewed energy he's pumped through my veins.  I was stuck in a rut.  A deep rut, and I feel like I'm sort of coming out of it.  There's a new business model and if I have to build myself, for the time being, on the backs of interns for credit, then I will and they'll be grateful to have the experience.  I know what my number one goal is right now and there's only one way to accomplish it - with super hard work (even more than I've committed in the past...not possible?  It is!)

So now, I'm happy to announce we've started working with one client, preparing to downsize another and have several new opportunities on the horizon, just waiting to be tackled.

With that, I must run and get back to the daily grind which I am now lovingly referring to as the daily WIND!  It winds me up and I'm excited!  I have been in business for 10 years.  Most would have given up years ago.  Not me.  Too stubborn!  Now, I am preparing to do a celebration at a networking benefit I created (couldn't think of a better way to celebrate than to give back?) and this rockin' new website...For the event, we have a liqueur sponsor and a pastry magician who is providing treats...It's going to be fun!  Who wouldn't be able to get excited about that? 

Here's a tip - for those of you interested a friend has a new fab blog about her first pregnancy.  Follow her!!


Pregnancy Stumble

xoxo

Stop Pissing Me Off

Wow, the last two days people have been totally pissing me off.  Seriously?  I'm typically a nice person, patient and accepting.  In business I'm a defuser.  I can defuse those like Ms. McSnippy Bitchy Pants, even though it does stress me out.

For instance, I'm currently sitting on the board for an awesome organization full of "the government should pay us, but wait we hate the government, but they fucking owe us" hippies.  The board is full of apathetic losers who couldn't give a rats ass.  They do nothing but sit with their thumbs up their asses at board meetings.  So when the communications committee, which I chair (lucky me) was directed to plan the executive director's retirement dinner I thought "of course, no problemo".  Famous last words because none of these lazy fucks have done anything (including my committee).  Yep, I've once again been roped into doing the whole thing with no help from fucking anyone and they want to raise $15k off the event for an endowment and spend $500 on a stupid memory book.  Yeah, stupid cuz I just spent all morning scanning in photos that are terrible.  I would never put these in a "memory book", but I don't fucking care anymore.  These asstards can have it but I am in no way, shape or form, fronting the cost of it cuz you know all these lame ass motherfuckers aren't going to lift a finger to recoup the cost.

To make matters worse the ED and his nutso wife are the biggest control freaks EVER.  This woman can't send a short and concise email to save her life, most likely because she doesn't understand the meanings to those words.  So far, thanks to the ED's crazy town USA wife, we're three weeks behind.  Fucking awesome.  Guess who gets blamed for this shit.  ME.  That's right, ME!  The only one who clearly gives a flying fuck at all.  And that is my problem.  I actually give a rat's ass about stuff in this life.  When I make a commitment I don't just sit back and wait for others to do the work, NO, I actually get my shit done. 

I am supposed to be president of the board but I have a big surprise for these stupid, lazy, poor excuses for human beings.  When this event is over I'm GONE!  I'm done.  I've decided to clean my personal house and that includes anything that doesn't feel right and this definitely qualifies.  This board is showing that they CAN'T do fundraising, and guess what?  It's not my fucking fault, losers!  Good luck!

Then there's the male stripper or bartender, or whatever else you do to wind up at the store with $100 in $1 bills.  I was a bartender/waitress for eight years and there's one thing you learn when you cash out at the end of the night, you fucking make an exchange!  Why take home ones when you can get twenties?  Unless you're a guy who desperately needs to stuff his pants with something fat cuz his penis ain't and at least money attracts the chics.  News flash - No one wants to stand behind you at the grocery waiting while you're dumb, but very pretty, ass counts out $76.80 in fucking $1 bills like a first grader.  For real?  Get a clue.

Oh, I could go on.  It's like the universe suddenly decided to shit on me the last 48 hours and I'm probably best staying away from ALL society until this resolves itself.  Until then, it's Noon on a Tuesday and there's a glass of wine sitting on my desk waiting to take away all this unnecessary stress and misery. It makes me want to sit and eat McDonald's and Dunkin Donuts all day long, but that would completely go against BFF and I's commitment to eating better and losing some lbs.

Note to self: be filled with much less hatred tomorrow.

Quote of the Day

Thanks to the BFF for this one:

"Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky." ~Rabindranath Tagore

Sisters!

Shwew!!! I survived the weekend with sister1 and husband. It was a true whirlwind, but fun and I do love them. I can say that I am thoroughly exhausted! I can also say that I had a vodka martini slip and told my brother-in-law that I was really hurt by sister1's comment to me....he couldn't believe she said it.

Sister1 and I spent more than half our lifetime as practical strangers. She is seven years older than me and hated life so much that she didn't want to participate in mine for fear of remembering her hell. As a little girl, Sister1 was the only babysitter I would allow near me. I fondly remember a time when the babysitter couldn't get my pj's on, so Sister1 came in and told me to jump up and down on the bed to get my pants on. She was also the only one who could feed and hold me. Throughout the years we became more distant. I followed my path and she wanted to get away from all of us as fast as possible.

She did have her great moments like when Sister2 was supposed to take me to a movie and then stood me up to hang out with her friends. Sister1 called and asked if I wanted to go to the horse show. I was thrilled. She was, despite it all, always there. Sister2 never really supported me in all the things I was involved in, but Sister1 was always there. In my early 20's, Sister1 and hubby moved closer to my college town and I began going to their house for dinner. It's like having a new friend and discovering who they are. It took a few years, but since then we've been very close. We've helped each other become better people. We make time to visit one another....but something has changed.

The hardest part for me with my sister is that she is so closed minded. This weekend was Pride fest and I knew there was no way I would take them or even consider introducing them to "the girls" (read: boys). Both of them are so anti-gay and I think it's more because they have never met one or opened their heart to one to understand rather than simple disdain. It's easy to be afraid of the unknown. Sadly, "the girls" are great people and good friends to me, and disheartening that they will probably never meet these friends. It's ironic, too, because sister1/hubby both say that they are Christians and yet they are so judgmental. I believe it's our job to love everyone, open our hearts to as many people as possible - to spread the love of Christ - and He will do the judging. In turn, we'll be judged on our ability to walk the path.

My sister even chooses to judge me. Somehow she makes me feel like I am an irresponsible kid who knows nothing, and, of course, I understand that only you can allow someone else to make you feel this way. Without a doubt, I'm positive that if my life were on a track with some kind with financial stability, a house, husband and child that she would not do this - or make me feel this way. Yet, I have to learn to get to this place without these stabilities. Much like my father, there is a sense of disappointing her. I really need to let it go. Let go of how I think people think of me, how I think they will feel about my choices and start living for me - without abandonment.

I have daddy issues. My sisters and I all do. It's interesting and sad that sister1 has so much disdain for my father, yet she is the most like him, and becoming more so everyday. He is a challenging man, always has been, and even more challenging as he becomes a grumpy old man who doesn't feel well. She is starting to mimic some of this behavior....at the ripe old age of 43. He was a dictator of some sorts growing up but a great problem solver who, despite not listening any other time, could, if need be, really listen and help you mull over important decisions and problems. His heart, while often selfish, was mostly in the right place - but more on him later.

I worry most that sister1, after years of avoidance, will never fully rectify with herself these issues of hatred, dislike, fear and annoyance for my father. Instead she continues to carry them around, becoming (unaware) more and more the exact mold of him. That's a long lifetime and a heavy burden. She is so clearly angry and unhappy, almost the "victim" - like my dad - in life. I don't know how she can carry it around with her day in and day out, moment by moment.

Sister1 is lucky to have her hubby. He is the best. They balance one another. He is always loving, fun and upbeat, even when she's a kill joy. The one thing she and I have in common - we're really good at beating ourselves up.

I've chosen to deal with my "daddy issues" and find a way to interact with him that makes our time together far more enjoyable. I wish she could do the same, but she gets pissed every time I give her suggestions. If she chooses to carry this hatred in her heart for a lifetime, there is nothing I can do. I simply pray that she will find peace. If she is unable to do so I fear that it will forever alter our relationship. With that said, I have become very adept at one-sided relationships, especially with family. I always cater to them and they never want to hear the truth of what I have to say, so I keep it all inside...festering away until one day I explode. It's not worth it, and so God, instead, gave me the idea for Finding Epiphany.

I won't often "beat the bible" here (it's not really my approach), but it is important to understand this side of me in the hunt for my Epiphany, and even yours. I am a person of faith - and you can determine whatever that higher power is for you - for me it's God. I also believe in the power of energy, aka the universe or karma - that there is a balance. It's easy to have faith in one aspect of your life, but when all of it seems out of whack, you want to try and take control rather than just live in the moment and have faith, or allow the universe to work in your favor. The one thing I know is that God has a plan for me, for each of us, that is greater than we even think we're capable of achieving. You have to keep your eyes, ears and heart open to be lead and then act.

Faith is not easy, nor for the faint of heart, but it works when you can let go. There in lies the trick...stop trying to control and let go. For me this blog is a release of thoughts and emotions clogging up my flow of faith and the positive energy around me. Allowing those thoughts to swirl around in your head can make you crazy. It reminds me of when I was a little girl and had a bad dream. My parents always said that if you say what the dream was out loud that you'd never have it again, and they were right. I want peace of mind and personal fulfillment in this short life. Unfortunately, we have to carry the baggage with us, but we don't have to unpack it.