Sigh. Crisis diverted. What craziness!! The good thing is that it forced me to start considering my worst-case scenarios and you know what I found out? I'm going to be just fine. Fear is pointless. There's always a back up plan - or five - and I'm quite happy with all of them. In fact, some of these "back ups" are things I've seriously considered for a few years, so, if this was going to be the final straw for me it would have forced me into an interesting situation, or three, but nothing I hated.
You know, it's hard living your truth and putting it out here for people, including some good friends to see/read. It really is hard. I mean, first I have to admit this shit to myself and then put it out in the world. The reason it's so hard? Because as much as I say "I don't give a DAMN what people think", I actually do. We all do whether we realize it or not. No one wants to look like a pathetic loser; a failure; a "I just couldn't cut it". No one wants others to feel sssooo sorry for them. No one. We just want to be loved and supported as we go through this crazy thing called life, which is so different for everyone. We all have different paths. Mine has been filled with ego and stubbornness.
Yes, big, HUGE surprise, I'm stubborn. I've sat here and made a thousand excuses as to why I can't go do something else, take a job, have the life I want thanks to a bunch of Franklins in the bank. It's not a bad thing. It can, in theory, buy happiness. Who are we fooling? I've worked so hard with this determination; an almost sick determination that I can't quit my business until I've tried and done everything possible. The reality is: after 10 years, FUCK IT! And if anyone thinks less of me they were never my friend.
I have this feeling that this "test", of sorts, was meant to make me face my fears of failure and just say fuck it. I did and I said it. You know what they say about holding on to things too tightly.....You'll lose it all. Now that I've relinquished myself there's a sense of freedom that's been missing. Yes, this is what I've needed to stop living my life based on others' expectations on me and my life. It just doesn't matter. All that matters is that I'm happy. For too long I've valued my business and work over life and I've lost. Lost out having fun and traveling with friends and loved ones. I can't get that time back.
Now, I'm not going to say it's easy. I mean that pride popped back up in me today, but as long as I realize it and say "NO", I'm good. The alternatives are just as good, if not a ton better, than where I'm at now.
Today: an old client has returned and I think I might have a gig teaching some workshops. Keep your fingers crossed.