Crisis Diverted

Sigh.  Crisis diverted.  What craziness!!  The good thing is that it forced me to start considering my worst-case scenarios and you know what I found out?  I'm going to be just fine.  Fear is pointless.  There's always a back up plan - or five - and I'm quite happy with all of them.  In fact, some of these "back ups" are things I've seriously considered for a few years, so, if this was going to be the final straw for me it would have forced me into an interesting situation, or three, but nothing I hated.

You know, it's hard living your truth and putting it out here for people, including some good friends to see/read.  It really is hard.  I mean, first I have to admit this shit to myself and then put it out in the world.  The reason it's so hard?  Because as much as I say "I don't give a DAMN what people think", I actually do.  We all do whether we realize it or not. No one wants to look like a pathetic loser; a failure; a "I just couldn't cut it".  No one wants others to feel sssooo sorry for them.  No one.  We just want to be loved and supported as we go through this crazy thing called life, which is so different for everyone.  We all have different paths.  Mine has been filled with ego and stubbornness.

Yes, big, HUGE surprise, I'm stubborn.  I've sat here and made a thousand excuses as to why I can't go do something else, take a job, have the life I want thanks to a bunch of Franklins in the bank.  It's not a bad thing.  It can, in theory, buy happiness.  Who are we fooling?  I've worked so hard with this determination; an almost sick determination that I can't quit my business until I've tried and done everything possible.  The reality is:  after 10 years, FUCK IT!  And if anyone thinks less of me they were never my friend.

I have this feeling that this "test", of sorts, was meant to make me face my fears of failure and just say fuck it.  I did and I said it.  You know what they say about holding on to things too tightly.....You'll lose it all.  Now that I've relinquished myself there's a sense of freedom that's been missing.  Yes, this is what I've needed to stop living my life based on others' expectations on me and my life.  It just doesn't matter.  All that matters is that I'm happy.  For too long I've valued my business and work over life and I've lost.  Lost out having fun and traveling with friends and loved ones.  I can't get that time back. 

Now, I'm not going to say it's easy.  I mean that pride popped back up in me today, but as long as I realize it and say "NO", I'm good.  The alternatives are just as good, if not a ton better, than where I'm at now.

Today: an old client has returned and I think I might have a gig teaching some workshops.  Keep your fingers crossed.

Freaky Tuesday Horoscope

My personal horoscope today  Scary...

"Has what used to be shiny and exhilarating become lackluster? Is your love life leaving much to be desired? Has your social calendar become sparse? Is your career at a low point? There's always something you can do to make any dull aspect of your life sparkle again! Jupiter is square Pluto, ushering in an intense, provocative energy. You want to renew your passion." 

This last weekend a client bounced a check that had a snowball effect.  That's IT!  I can't do this anymore.  I'm exhausted.  I wake up every morning and take a risk and that's about all the energy I have left for any other risks in life.  So, I've officially applied for a job and now applying for a lecture position that I think I am perfect for.  It's time to diversify and stop letting other factors determine my outcome.  Let's just hope they're gentle with the background check.  My credit blows.  But as my gf, Susan*, said "everybody's credit is shot and I guarantee you're still better off than many other people," which is probably very true, I just hate my reality.

It's time to sparkle again.  To be audacious once more!

The White Dress Lifted the Fog

It's amazing how the right dress can put you in the mood to feel beautiful and successful.

It's been awhile since I've had a real business meeting, and today was one of those days.  Seriously, why do you think I needed to get pretty on Sunday?  It's been awhile.  I work from home - currently in army green shorts and my orange UT shirt (my BFF, Dawn*, and I had a, well, memorable trip to Austin...Bugtussle!).

It was fucking hot and muggy here!  The kind of day when you walk out of the house and wonder why you even bothered showering.  The right clothing is crucial in this weather. So, today I braved wearing my favorite white linen, brocade, sleeveless roped empire waist, white dress with black slings with white flower on the toe to a new business meeting with two new male clients.  I say braved because I'm one of those people who wears something white and even though I'm nowhere near an Italizn restaurant, somehow I still end up getting something bright red dribbled down the front.  This is the same with white shirts, skirts, pants and shorts.  I can be standing, not touching anything and will still get a mark or stain the size of Texas on my white clothes.

I guess you could say I needed a little, for lack of a better reference, Sex & The City mojo today.  After all, I'm in my mid-30's, I'm not dead, fairly attractive and nothing says confident, successful business woman like a great outfit. It worked!  It totally lifted me out of my fog.

It's times like this when I love walking around the busseling streets of downtown Chicago.  In fact, I was right down by the set of Transformers.  Interesting to see how they do what they do to make a city looked demolished. 

So, it's interesting, however, that I've discovered over the years that there's real psychology behind the way you dress.  For instance, with woman, depending on the business, I either dress nice casual or pump up the accessories with an all black or blue outfit.  With men, I typically wear pants and heels, always.  It sort of says "don't think of me as a fragile woman, but one of the guys".  Yes, I did wear a dress (I said it was hot and gross here), but the right dress can say exactly what you need it to in any occasion.  It's all in how accessorize.

Yes, I've officially won the business (the second in a month), and, more importantly, I'm not worrying about whether more business will come or not.  I'm just open to receiving everything that is meant to be given me.  Ten points for Epiphany! It's pretty freeing.  The dress too...from the stifling humidity.

The Pursuit of Perfection

Perfection. It's an interesting word. What is perfection? Is it about being the best or just perceived as being and having the best? Is it about being the best you can be in every moment?

My good friend Webster defines it as : 1. the quality or condition of being perfect (defined as lacking nothing essential); 2.the act or process of being perfect; 3. one considered perfect. The thesaurus adds in the word virtue.

So, if you lack a lot of essentials in your life yet live with virtue, can you still be perfect?

I know it's crazy to think about perfection. No one is perfect. In fact, everyone has a different definition of perfection. You may have a perceived perfect and blessed life like my best friend Dawn*, but at the same time she is open and aware of her own imperfections. Is perfection achieving what is fed to us by the media (i.e. look like Angelina Jolie or having certain things), or how we define it individually and the pressure we put on ourselves to achieve it? Either way, the pursuit of it can make you a little crazy. I know.

In this life there are few things one can actually control like:

• presence - style, makeup and hair (although mine's been a bit out of control)
• what you eat/weight - need to work on
• clean home
• your actions/reactions towards others - who you want to be v. who you are
  
• your performance - work, etc.
• how you use your time
• how many glasses of wine I will have today (3, thanks!)
• how many times will I blog today
  
• what you do with the blessings you receive
• going out and trying/doing what you love
• who I will call on the phone
  
• and a few others
  

I like to think that I can control other certain things, but I really believe it's just that "the stars align" with the right moment and you're openness to receive. Like when I show up to the bus stop and the bus appears within just moments of my arrival. That is perfect to me. In reality, most things, you can't control and it's really frustrating. It's frustrating when you know what you can be if given more opportunities...but one can't determine or just wish them to come along. Not in this economy.

The pursuit of perfection is something I think about a lot, actually. It's easy, really. When things happen that are out of my own control, I become Mr(s). Clean and my apartment is perfection! Floors washed, everything in its place, totally organized (and let me just say I'm not very messy), no dishes in the sink and toilet....sparkling! It feels good to have order and a sense of perfection in my home, my work and even in working out. I'm not really sure where this strong desire for and absolute sense of perfection was born, but there's safety in it. Oddly enough.

My best friend Dawn* seeks perfection and order, albeit at a much, much higher level than mine! Everything has its place. Her home is beautiful and always clean. She is always dressed well and looking stunning. Everything is done....perfectly. Coasters are always used, and, as much as I love her, I'm often worried I will put something in the wrong place, or mess something up. It is, ironically, one of the many reasons I adore her. Even though I may feel this way at times, I completely appreciate where she's coming from. Perfection is order.

Dawn* and I often discuss our varying need for order, or control, and the pursuit of perfection and I've come to believe it's not because we're crazy or neurotic, but that its tough to let go. It's hard to just walk in blind faith everyday. We have to feel as if we control some things in our lives whether it's keeping dishes out of the sink, making your bed everyday, staying organized in work, writing an error-free report, or keeping a clean car. And, while we actually do have control over many things and choices we make, there are the bigger things that we just don't have any control over. Some philosophers would say these are the things that keep life interesting.

The pursuit for perceived perfection could, in some ways, be blamed for why so many Americans are in debt, living beyond their means, in homes they can't afford, buying cars and toys for their kids. They want others to believe their lives are perfect in the perfect neighborhood. This perception of perfection is wealth.

You could say that this pursuit of perfection has even led me to start and live through this blog. In some respects, I'm seeking perfection in my own life and its future. I feel as if I should have this, that and the other; that I should be this kind of person to have and be loved; that I should have a more lucrative career; sometimes, that I should be someone else. That I should be perceived as one who pursues perfection and virtue in all things. And, moreover, that I deserve it.

It's a tricky thing living life, but throw in the unknown variables and it becomes that much more. The truth is that the pursuit of perfection leads us not just to controlling certain aspects of our life, but to having and being what we feel others define as perfection. We want to be seen as having it all, being it all and living it all. It's not enough just to feel perfect in our own imperfect and fabulous lives.

So, with dishes in the sink, my bed unmade and mail spread across the dining table, today, I begin the path of defining my own perfection. It's more than a clean house, it's being me. Living fully as the unique and imperfect person in which I was created. And I promise, to never judge anyone else's perfect life.