Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Enter The Heartbreaker

After Thanksgiving, when I knew I had to move on from S, my The Couple gf picked me up from the airport and we went out for a cocktail and to catch up.  Soon we found ourselves back at her house where the boys were watching a game.  One of the guys is notorious for being, or acting, drunk on a regular basis. The Drinker is a nice guy, but off, and yes, we had a moment a very long time ago.  It was a moment of weakness, and maybe I just needed to feel desired by someone.  Of course, there were cocktails involved and I woke up in his bed.  When I opened my eyes and realized where I was, I saw a very large room, the floor covered in clothes.  Disgusting!  How did I miss this last night?  This guy is a slob.   I was a good girl and the moment came and went quickly.

On this particular night The Drinker was in rare form and now that "the girls" had come home, he was off to a bar, where he wouldn't feel like a fifth wheel.  The Heartbreaker had decided to go with him to help keep him out of trouble.  The Drinker left, T.H. went downstairs to the kitchen and The Couple and I were left upstairs to contemplate the amount and type of trouble that The Drinker could get into.  We agreed that whatever happened, he shouldn't be allowed to drive home.  I popped downstairs to tell T.H.

E:  Hey, you don't know The Drinker very well, but we just want to make sure that you do not let him drive home.  Poor him in a cab and watch him go, but just don't let him drive.
T.H.: I understand and don't want you to worry.  I will make sure that he gets home okay.  But....for the record I don't want to leave.
E: Oh, well, if you don't want to leave, I bet we can figure something else out for him.
T.H.: It's not that.  I don't want to leave because of you.  I'm not sure where you are in your relationship.  The Couple tells me things...
E: (I put my hand on his chest) If you want to know what's going on with me, just ask me.
T.H.:  Okay, I just wasn't sure.
E: Just ask me. 

T.H. puts his hand on my cheek, bends down and kisses me.  Before I know it we're in a mad embrace kissing.  Eventually we broke and we went upstairs where he left to chase down The Drinker and I sat on the couch in a bit of shock over what just happened.  The Couple looked at me:

T.C.: Is something wrong?  What's up with you?
E: (pausing) T.H. just kissed me
T.C.: What?  (laughing)

It wasn't long before I got a text message from T.H. saying how amazing our kiss was and that he can't stop thinking about it. 

Soon after a friend invited me to a holiday event that she thought would be a good group of people to network in.  Sure enough, it was.  A room full of investors, venture capitalists and startup companies stood in front of me, and my gf guided me through, introducing me to some key people.  Towards the end of the night, one of hosts walked up and introduced himself.  I was immediately struck by him -tall, blue eyes and...attraction.  I don't ever mix business and pleasure, so I put him out of my mind.

It had been a few weeks since T.H. had texted me and I assume by that point that he knew I had broken up with S and was giving me some space.  It was nice and I needed it to stay busy and focus on the upcoming holidays, but a plan was in place - The Couple had invited both of us to go out of town for New Year's Eve.

Right before Christmas, I met The Couple out and T.H. was there.  Every time I looked at him I felt my body go into hyper drive with desire.  I just wanted to touch him and....revisit the kiss!  Soon it was just the two of us and then I eventually left.  T.H. breaker didn't stay too long and he called me once he got home.  It was such a great conversation and we talked about where I was with the breakup and he said "You know that I've been dating people.  Well, it's really hard to date women when you really want to spend time with someone else."  We agreed that we would go slow and see each other for New Year's Eve.  In the meantime, he texted and eventually he wanted to get together before our trip.  I invited him over for dinner and a movie.  He fell asleep and came over late for a movie.  This should have been a sign, and it probably was, but I missed it.  Nevertheless, it was a good time.  I could tell he was nervous but we did revisit the kiss again.  It was going to be a good New Year's Eve....


Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The Duldrums

Depression is an interesting thing.  Especially for someone like me. 

Normally I am an action person, on the go, getting things done....but lately that just hasn't been the case.  More mornings than not I wake up at the bottom of a wine bottle and have little to no energy, or even desire or motivation, to do anything the next day but lay on the couch. 

I have been here before....I went off the deep end and engaged on a lie of an online relationship with a supposedly hot guy, but now I am more certain than ever that he was some fat pig with a laptop of lies. 

It all started when my best friend was getting married.  I wanted it, but I got over it.  Then recently she gave birth to her second child, and while I am SUPER happy for her, again, I felt "I want that".  Now, it's not unusual to have a sense of jealousy over wanting what someone else has in life, but it's important to note that it's not that I want exactly what she has.  I know that one day I will find my own version of what she has; it will be customized and special to me.  However, the sadness still lingers of T.H. - yes, I know I have not yet revealed the end of that story but I will. 

Sometimes I find myself crying uncontrollably.  Lately, I can cry all night, wake up with swollen eyes, have a thought and start crying again.  This is when I am really glad that I realize what is happening and I force myself to do things to pull myself out of it.  First up, A SHOWER!  Seriously!  You laugh, but there was a weekend when I had nothing to do.  Really, I had cleaned the house and had no one to call and ask to go sit on a patio for a cocktail.  I. Was. Down.  It was so bad that I got up and re-arranged things only to move them back.  That is bad. 

Second, exercise.  I recently got new rollerblades which have requited a lot of love....patience....and help from the adorable 20-year old at Sports Authority who was super helpful, and nice to look at!  After a night of drinking at home....alone....again....I woke up early the next morning with the best intentions.  I put my blades on and started on my way only to have some problems.  Eventually, I realized that I put the wheels on wrong after changing the barrings.  BLONDIE!  So I headed back home, took a nap and then went on a seven mile walk.  Let me tell you how hard it was to pull myself out of bed to take this walk. 

Even most days, I feel like I just want to stay in bed and that is not my period talking. 

Today, I saw something that changed it.  A gf of mine posted it on her Facebook and it reminded me of a time when I actually did do this and I have never been that person again.  It moved me and I immediately felt my energy level jump.  I got out, ran errands, walked most places, bought baskets and re-organized under my sink (aaaahhhhh!) and now blogging.  It's all about keeping yourself busy and not giving in to the sadness.  It's not worth it.  There is no surprise why he's called T.H.


Sunday, June 3, 2012

Steven: The Final Chapter

Why have I come back after almost one year?  Well, I find myself sitting and watching the "Hot in Cleveland" marathon with nothing else to do.  Friends have moved to the burbs or gay bf is out of town and I am....alone.  I've always found this writing to be therapeutic and provide an understanding of life that can only be unleashed through words.  I need this.  I need it to help me let it go through simply putting it out in the world. 

So, now....I catch you up.  I've missed you all!

Last year was a pivotal year.  My business morphed and grew with some bigger clients.  I was busy and managing a staff of contractors and was fairly happy with the other aspects of my life.  But it wasn't to last.

Steven and I lasted until the Fall when conversation of Meow Mix continued to pop up time and time again.  Once it happened in the car and I said there was no conversation and I wasn't discussing it any more.  Then he was dumb enough to bring it up again within a few minutes at which point I leaped out of his car at a stop light and caught a cab home, only to find him waiting for me. It was a difficult conversation but really the first time I've stood up for myself. We'd had a good summer together full of laughter and fun but without any depth.  Our relationship was still empty and we were clearly not moving forward.  This was just the final straw for me.  After some tears we decided to take a three-day break, after which he came over and told me everything I wanted to hear.  But we began to unravel as the truth slowly came out.

Back in September, my gf, and new mom, asked me to come over and take a walk with her and the new baby. It was a beautiful, warm day and I opted to walk to her house for the exercise.  Our conversation must have been exhausting for her because all I did was bitch about S.  Soon we found ourselves at her husband's office (a few blocks away) where I was introduced to his office mates, and when the world stopped.  I was introduced to "The Heartbreaker" - he will remain unnamed.  When I met T.H. it felt as if I had walked into a brick wall.  As if someone was saying "stop and listen, Epiphany". 

T.H. was tall, dark and handsome with a nice smile and a nice laid back energy.   The moment would remain imprinted on my memory for some time, and I didn't hesitate to ask my friend about him.  Turns out that T.H. was someone that my friend and her husband wanted to introduce me to (I later found out that he was told that I was in a relationship but S was on the way out, but I was worth it).  I ran into him a few times here and there and mostly at "planned" dinners at, what T.H. and I called "The Couple"'s house.  No doubt the moment stayed with me and caused me to question the reality of my relationship with S.

A few weeks later, the topic came up again as I tried to press him to understand where we were going.  In 10 months S had never told me he loved me or made a plan for the future and, honestly, I felt that there was no future.  We ended up taking a two week break over Thanksgiving. The next morning, I woke up and knew it was over.  I actually knew it was over before than, but breaking up sucks and I became confused.  After all S was very good to me.  He knew how to treat me well, with chivalry and respect.  He may not have spoke his emotions but he did show them.  We may not have had any depth to our relationship but we had a lot of fun; the kind of fun you want to have with a life partner, but I was beginning to see the truth.  S was co-dependent, insecure, jealous, lazy, lacked drive in life, had a nasty bought of ongoing short-term memory loss and it was all making me crazy.  The topper.....he forgot my birthday.  Yep.  And it's not just any 'ol day but kind of a holiday. Oh, he played it off, but he did, in fact, forget it and then tried to rescue the day.  After that, I shut down.  I was going through the motions and our sex life had no life and hadn't for some time.

The end came, again, because of Meow Mix.  He told me I should give her to friends or family - NOT an option as no one would take her and/or I would never see her.  S simply could not understand one's attachment to their pet; their child.  After agreeing to taking a break, I went to "The Couple's" apartment for dinner and guess who should be there...T.H.  A few days later he began texting me.  I went to my parent's for the holiday and he would send the nicest text messages.  In the meantime, I mourned S.  The anger at him and myself was overwhelming.  That I could allow myself to stay in a situation that was never going to go anywhere unless I sacrificed everything of who I am and want in life for him.  I could just imagine moving in with S.  He wouldn't want me to add my touch to the apartment.  I would be living in his world without anything of my own to call it home.  The hurt and disappointment brought out the worst in me and finally I cried.  I cried until there was nothing left.  I thought about T.H. but knew I couldn't break up with S because of him; I hardly knew T.H., but there was the hope of him.

I came home a little stronger than I was before and yet still sad.  I was losing a friend and this was it.  It was the end of S.  Now I had to work up the guts to do it, to say what I wanted to say and make it stick. 

More to come....


I'm Baaaaccckkk! Did you miss me?

That's right, bitches....I'm bbbaaaccckkk!

Sorry for the one year hiatus but I kind of outted myself, or at least I thought I had.  So much to catch my lovely friends up on.  You'll be shocked, amazed, disappointed and even moved and then I'll catch you up on my latest endeavors in dating, love, life, and more.  It's time for something big to happen...

Looking forward to catching up with all of you!


Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Awesome Boyfriend

So first things first.  I am sorry that I've neglected in my posting.  Worse off is that I'm mad at myself for not putting my foot down earlier.  It's no excuse but the foot has become to come down like a hammer and you-know-who has been dealing with it quite well, despite his co-dependency issues.  Seriously, we've been learning A LOT about one another as of late.  It will take a few posts...

So, aside of learning to juggle a boyfriend who has a way of making me feel like utter shit and guilty if I don't want to see him, I've been juggling work.  Now, let me just say that in general Steven has been completely fabulous but we were starting to have our issues.  Or, rather, it was my issues.

Awesome Boyfriend: In April I managed and implemented the grand opening of a client's store.  She left around 5p to get her hair done and didn't show up until 7:30.  The problem: the party started at 6p.  She basically left the entire event to me and I was more than a little irritated that she was an hour and a half late to her own fucking party.  Really?  Whatever.  I have Steven, two gay bfs and my social media intern extraordinaire in tote and they rocked my world that night.  It's hard to come by good people who want to work (read: volunteer) for your success, but I had them that night and I'm super grateful.

At one point I was really becoming irritated that the client wasn't anywhere to be found and vendors, who weren't on my sheet as confirmed, were popping up.  Now this is Chicago.  Unless you're a major retailer, store fronts are pretty small.  There was limited room and I was trying to be as nice as possible, answering questions I had no answers to because THE FUCKING CLIENT WASN'T THERE!  Media were tugging on my arm "Where's the owner?" "She's on her way." Guests were asking who owned the shop.  "How much is this?" How the FUCK DO I KNOW? I am not the one who should be trying to answer this question. I have two last minute vendors asking where they can set up and Steven was already standing in the midst of the mess.  "Well, we need to move this over there, pull this out, you can go there and you right here."  Sigh.  Rock on!  I turned, feeling completely confident that it was all under control by my MAIN MAN!  Later, he took brochures outside and walked the street handing them out to people, inviting them to come in.  Many of those people did come in, and when he finally did he was drenched from the rain. What a trooper!  You're SO GETTING LAID LATER!

Finally the client shows up and everyone with me knows that I'm more than a little irritated, but you can't let your client know that.  You simply have to smile and say "it's all under control."  I was relieved and filling her in on everything until someone pulled her into her office where she remained for 30+ minutes.  Seriously?  I have vendors and media asking for you.  Get your ass out of there and participate in your event! Finally she rose from the desk and came out.  I snagged her and said "Look, a lot of people have been asking for you and we need to make rounds."  We did.  She did a couple of quick media interviews and then people started leaving.  We're outta here!  I was so annoyed, happy at the success we managed to achieve, but pissed that she wasn't even there.  I switched out of my high patent leather peep toes into galoshes (might feet literally let out a sigh) and started to help everyone tear down.  Steven helped move heavy pieces back down to the basement (my man!) and we finally said our goodbyes and walked to the car.

Sensing my stress, Steven complimented the event and told me what an awesome job I did all the way back to his house, where he poured a glass of wine (to the top, I might add) and we sat outside on the front porch talking.  It really helped me relax and come back down.  That's something I always mentioned in my dating profiles is wanting someone who can bring me down after a crazy day.  Life as an entrepreneur ain't easy and I need someone who understands that and knows me. Hell, my life, the part he doesn't know about yet, ain't easy. There is constantly shit running through my mind, keeping me from sleeping at night. Steven is such an even-keeled person.  He's easy going and takes everything in stride, hardly ever getting a feather ruffled.  He's a great complement to me.  Not saying I'm crazy, neurotic or flip out easily (any more...)...."You know, I'm so happy you were there tonight.  Not only did you take over and help make things happen but you kept me calm and relaxed.  I really needed that.  Thank you."  "You're welcome, Baby." 

Next....Bad Boyfriend, Or is it Just Me?

You are totally worthy!

Over the last couple of years, I have had many moments of big, HUGE epiphanies.  (Hence, Finding Epiphany).  One of them was my daddy issues.  Every time a client walked away or I failed to achieve for them (outside factors didn't seem to matter) I immediately thought "my father will be so disappointed in me."  See, I don't know how they did it, but my parents raised my sisters and I to be well educated, strong, independent and entirely too modest for our own good.  It has always been difficult for me to accept praise and to celebrate my achievements because there was such little emphasis put on success.  On top of it, the fear of disappointing my father was instilled early on and it was, for a lifetime, the ultimate judgement on everything accomplished. 

As I grew older I realized that instead of taking a moment to celebrate my accomplishments in work and for clients, I just shoved the elation under the rug, shrugging it off like "no big deal" and quickly moving on to the next thing.  One girlfriend finally said "E, it's amazing what you just accomplished for your client.  You should be elated!" "I know, but I just can't.  This is what I do.  It's no big deal and I need to focus on the next big get for them."  "E, I really don't think you get it.  It's not being egotistical to tout and celebrate your accomplishments.  You aren't bragging.  We all want to celebrate you, as your friends.  This is a big deal. Take a moment, accept it and revel in it."  She was SO right and ever since then I put more weight on the things I'm able to accomplish and do a little happy dance when I've scored for a client.  I've come to realize that, yes, this is what I do day in and day out, but it's still major and I need to celebrate it!

Bad Boyfriend

Utter frustration!  Steve is ALWAYS late (the honeymoon is over.  The time to impress me is over.  The respect is gone. I'm now being taken for granted.  Being on time is the ONE thing that I feel is a sign of respect of some one's life and time.  His tardiness is really starting to irritate me.  "Can't you text and let me know you're late?"  "Sorry, baby, I just got caught up in something." "All I'm asking for is a text."), he never remembers ANYTHING - even if it only matters to him (it's amazing he gets up for work every morning) and worse I feel like this entire relationship is based on what HE wants.  There's no consideration for me what's so ever.  It feels like it's totally on his terms and only on his terms.  I know he doesn't mean to do this, but boy it sure feels that way from where I'm sitting. The most annoying part? He wants me to take care of him like his mother!  Seriously?  I didn't sign up to have a child.  I want a life partner.  A bonafide grown-ass man!  Don't call me mommy.  I'm not your mommy!  "Well, don't you like taking care of me?"  "Sure, but this is what a couple does for one another.  It's because you care, not because I want to be your mother!" "Okay, Mommy."  Errrrr!  See???  Frustration!

Recently, Steve and I have been having some conversations about faith and my desire to go to church.  Just when I've reached a good point of compromise, and feel he has as well, he announces, out of the blue, while sitting on his front porch, that he can't live with a cat.  Can't have one in his house.  "Why?" "Because of all the fur and dust." Seriously?  Seriously.  That's you're reason?  "Well, unfortunately Meow Mix is part of the package with me.  Didn't you read my online profile? I was very open and honest about who I am and what I bring to the relationship.  Or did you just see some nice photos?" Actually, he probably doesn't remember what I had in my profile.  I swear he has early onset Alzheimer's.  "Yes, I read your profile." Hmmmm.  "At some point you are going to have to make compromises.  A relationship can't be on your terms only."  He said nothing and stared out to the street.

This really bothered me and I knew I had to bring it up again, but it took almost a week to find the time, alone to mention it.  So, it was, after an awesome evening running errands, talking and laughing we finally end up at his house having a late dinner.

E: "So, can I ask you something?"
S: "No.  If you're going to ask me something, do it."
E: "Okay, Let me ask you something.  We had a conversation last week that has really been weighing on me.  Are you serious about the cat thing?"
S: "Yes. I don't want all that fur and dust in my house."
E: "You realize she's part of the package?  I can't imagine anyone who loves me, cares about me or even KNOWS me would ask me to send her packing."
S: "Let me put it this way, my last girlfriend, I loved, and I wouldn't have cared if she had a cat or not."
E: Ouch! He clearly doesn't feel the same way about me that I do him.  I've been willing to make compromise and he isn't.  "You don't feel that way about me?"
S: "I'd like to get there."
E: Sigh....tears are welling up.  Time to cut this convo off.  I take one big gulp to finish my wine, set it on the table and say, "It's late, we should go to bed."

I head directly to the bathroom and let the tears go while he does dishes in the kitchen.  I cry hard and fast, wash my face, brush teeth and head to his bedroom where I changed into my t-shirt and crawled in bed.  Steve joins me about 10 minutes later.  After changing his clothes, he crawls in bed and wraps his arms around me.  I have to say it. I roll over to face him, "I would never do to you what she did to you."  "Huh?"  "Your ex who lied and cheated on you.  I would never do that." "I never thought you would."  "I guess I feel that at our age, after four months maybe you should know whether you want to be with someone or not."  Silence. Great. I roll back over my back facing him.  He removes his arms and instead pulls his legs up behind mine, spooning me.

I was SO hurt by what he said, and I KNOW that I was simply interpreting what he said as it affected me.  Steve could never say anything to purposely hurt me.  Time to call reinforcements: the BFF.

E: "So, what do you think?" after I explained the entire situation.
BFF: "Yep, that all sounds about right.  My hubby is the same.  Hell, all men are the same. But I love hubby and that's just how it is.  I've come to learn that men and women just don't think the same.  I'm always thinking of hubby.  For instance, I always turn the porch light on for him when he's out and I've gone to bed.  I used to get frustrated asking him to do the same and he never would.  Doesn't he care about me?  It's just a nice gesture.  He's never going to leave the porch light on but I know he loves me and it's not for lack of that.  He simply just doesn't think about it.  As far as the cat situation, it's clear to me that he wants to fall in love with you, he's just not there yet.  Give it some time and let it happen.  He will and the whole situation will be moot."

Sigh..she's totally right.  How nice to know I'm not alone and not crazy.  I really was beginning to question if this relationship was right for me.  With that said, another trusted friend said "E, you and I are masters of self-sabotage.  You're scared and making a mountain out of a mole hill.  I think you need to step back, not say anything any more and let your relationship happen."  Thanks, girls.  You're both totally right.

The next few days were not easy.  Typically when Steve and I are in the car, he grabs my hand.  Nada.  Not even near touching me.  In fact, he wasn't even trying to kiss me or be affectionate in general.  This is a problem.  Something is definitely up.  I keep things light and don't bring up anything!  I swear, I didn't.  Then one night we were hanging out at my house and I made my move.  Maybe we need some make up sex. And I couldn't have been more right.  A little sexual healing goes a long way and the next night when he picked me up after work, his hand reached out to mine in the car and held it the entire ride.