Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Enter The Heartbreaker

After Thanksgiving, when I knew I had to move on from S, my The Couple gf picked me up from the airport and we went out for a cocktail and to catch up.  Soon we found ourselves back at her house where the boys were watching a game.  One of the guys is notorious for being, or acting, drunk on a regular basis. The Drinker is a nice guy, but off, and yes, we had a moment a very long time ago.  It was a moment of weakness, and maybe I just needed to feel desired by someone.  Of course, there were cocktails involved and I woke up in his bed.  When I opened my eyes and realized where I was, I saw a very large room, the floor covered in clothes.  Disgusting!  How did I miss this last night?  This guy is a slob.   I was a good girl and the moment came and went quickly.

On this particular night The Drinker was in rare form and now that "the girls" had come home, he was off to a bar, where he wouldn't feel like a fifth wheel.  The Heartbreaker had decided to go with him to help keep him out of trouble.  The Drinker left, T.H. went downstairs to the kitchen and The Couple and I were left upstairs to contemplate the amount and type of trouble that The Drinker could get into.  We agreed that whatever happened, he shouldn't be allowed to drive home.  I popped downstairs to tell T.H.

E:  Hey, you don't know The Drinker very well, but we just want to make sure that you do not let him drive home.  Poor him in a cab and watch him go, but just don't let him drive.
T.H.: I understand and don't want you to worry.  I will make sure that he gets home okay.  But....for the record I don't want to leave.
E: Oh, well, if you don't want to leave, I bet we can figure something else out for him.
T.H.: It's not that.  I don't want to leave because of you.  I'm not sure where you are in your relationship.  The Couple tells me things...
E: (I put my hand on his chest) If you want to know what's going on with me, just ask me.
T.H.:  Okay, I just wasn't sure.
E: Just ask me. 

T.H. puts his hand on my cheek, bends down and kisses me.  Before I know it we're in a mad embrace kissing.  Eventually we broke and we went upstairs where he left to chase down The Drinker and I sat on the couch in a bit of shock over what just happened.  The Couple looked at me:

T.C.: Is something wrong?  What's up with you?
E: (pausing) T.H. just kissed me
T.C.: What?  (laughing)

It wasn't long before I got a text message from T.H. saying how amazing our kiss was and that he can't stop thinking about it. 

Soon after a friend invited me to a holiday event that she thought would be a good group of people to network in.  Sure enough, it was.  A room full of investors, venture capitalists and startup companies stood in front of me, and my gf guided me through, introducing me to some key people.  Towards the end of the night, one of hosts walked up and introduced himself.  I was immediately struck by him -tall, blue eyes and...attraction.  I don't ever mix business and pleasure, so I put him out of my mind.

It had been a few weeks since T.H. had texted me and I assume by that point that he knew I had broken up with S and was giving me some space.  It was nice and I needed it to stay busy and focus on the upcoming holidays, but a plan was in place - The Couple had invited both of us to go out of town for New Year's Eve.

Right before Christmas, I met The Couple out and T.H. was there.  Every time I looked at him I felt my body go into hyper drive with desire.  I just wanted to touch him and....revisit the kiss!  Soon it was just the two of us and then I eventually left.  T.H. breaker didn't stay too long and he called me once he got home.  It was such a great conversation and we talked about where I was with the breakup and he said "You know that I've been dating people.  Well, it's really hard to date women when you really want to spend time with someone else."  We agreed that we would go slow and see each other for New Year's Eve.  In the meantime, he texted and eventually he wanted to get together before our trip.  I invited him over for dinner and a movie.  He fell asleep and came over late for a movie.  This should have been a sign, and it probably was, but I missed it.  Nevertheless, it was a good time.  I could tell he was nervous but we did revisit the kiss again.  It was going to be a good New Year's Eve....


Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The Duldrums

Depression is an interesting thing.  Especially for someone like me. 

Normally I am an action person, on the go, getting things done....but lately that just hasn't been the case.  More mornings than not I wake up at the bottom of a wine bottle and have little to no energy, or even desire or motivation, to do anything the next day but lay on the couch. 

I have been here before....I went off the deep end and engaged on a lie of an online relationship with a supposedly hot guy, but now I am more certain than ever that he was some fat pig with a laptop of lies. 

It all started when my best friend was getting married.  I wanted it, but I got over it.  Then recently she gave birth to her second child, and while I am SUPER happy for her, again, I felt "I want that".  Now, it's not unusual to have a sense of jealousy over wanting what someone else has in life, but it's important to note that it's not that I want exactly what she has.  I know that one day I will find my own version of what she has; it will be customized and special to me.  However, the sadness still lingers of T.H. - yes, I know I have not yet revealed the end of that story but I will. 

Sometimes I find myself crying uncontrollably.  Lately, I can cry all night, wake up with swollen eyes, have a thought and start crying again.  This is when I am really glad that I realize what is happening and I force myself to do things to pull myself out of it.  First up, A SHOWER!  Seriously!  You laugh, but there was a weekend when I had nothing to do.  Really, I had cleaned the house and had no one to call and ask to go sit on a patio for a cocktail.  I. Was. Down.  It was so bad that I got up and re-arranged things only to move them back.  That is bad. 

Second, exercise.  I recently got new rollerblades which have requited a lot of love....patience....and help from the adorable 20-year old at Sports Authority who was super helpful, and nice to look at!  After a night of drinking at home....alone....again....I woke up early the next morning with the best intentions.  I put my blades on and started on my way only to have some problems.  Eventually, I realized that I put the wheels on wrong after changing the barrings.  BLONDIE!  So I headed back home, took a nap and then went on a seven mile walk.  Let me tell you how hard it was to pull myself out of bed to take this walk. 

Even most days, I feel like I just want to stay in bed and that is not my period talking. 

Today, I saw something that changed it.  A gf of mine posted it on her Facebook and it reminded me of a time when I actually did do this and I have never been that person again.  It moved me and I immediately felt my energy level jump.  I got out, ran errands, walked most places, bought baskets and re-organized under my sink (aaaahhhhh!) and now blogging.  It's all about keeping yourself busy and not giving in to the sadness.  It's not worth it.  There is no surprise why he's called T.H.


Sunday, June 3, 2012

Steven: The Final Chapter

Why have I come back after almost one year?  Well, I find myself sitting and watching the "Hot in Cleveland" marathon with nothing else to do.  Friends have moved to the burbs or gay bf is out of town and I am....alone.  I've always found this writing to be therapeutic and provide an understanding of life that can only be unleashed through words.  I need this.  I need it to help me let it go through simply putting it out in the world. 

So, now....I catch you up.  I've missed you all!

Last year was a pivotal year.  My business morphed and grew with some bigger clients.  I was busy and managing a staff of contractors and was fairly happy with the other aspects of my life.  But it wasn't to last.

Steven and I lasted until the Fall when conversation of Meow Mix continued to pop up time and time again.  Once it happened in the car and I said there was no conversation and I wasn't discussing it any more.  Then he was dumb enough to bring it up again within a few minutes at which point I leaped out of his car at a stop light and caught a cab home, only to find him waiting for me. It was a difficult conversation but really the first time I've stood up for myself. We'd had a good summer together full of laughter and fun but without any depth.  Our relationship was still empty and we were clearly not moving forward.  This was just the final straw for me.  After some tears we decided to take a three-day break, after which he came over and told me everything I wanted to hear.  But we began to unravel as the truth slowly came out.

Back in September, my gf, and new mom, asked me to come over and take a walk with her and the new baby. It was a beautiful, warm day and I opted to walk to her house for the exercise.  Our conversation must have been exhausting for her because all I did was bitch about S.  Soon we found ourselves at her husband's office (a few blocks away) where I was introduced to his office mates, and when the world stopped.  I was introduced to "The Heartbreaker" - he will remain unnamed.  When I met T.H. it felt as if I had walked into a brick wall.  As if someone was saying "stop and listen, Epiphany". 

T.H. was tall, dark and handsome with a nice smile and a nice laid back energy.   The moment would remain imprinted on my memory for some time, and I didn't hesitate to ask my friend about him.  Turns out that T.H. was someone that my friend and her husband wanted to introduce me to (I later found out that he was told that I was in a relationship but S was on the way out, but I was worth it).  I ran into him a few times here and there and mostly at "planned" dinners at, what T.H. and I called "The Couple"'s house.  No doubt the moment stayed with me and caused me to question the reality of my relationship with S.

A few weeks later, the topic came up again as I tried to press him to understand where we were going.  In 10 months S had never told me he loved me or made a plan for the future and, honestly, I felt that there was no future.  We ended up taking a two week break over Thanksgiving. The next morning, I woke up and knew it was over.  I actually knew it was over before than, but breaking up sucks and I became confused.  After all S was very good to me.  He knew how to treat me well, with chivalry and respect.  He may not have spoke his emotions but he did show them.  We may not have had any depth to our relationship but we had a lot of fun; the kind of fun you want to have with a life partner, but I was beginning to see the truth.  S was co-dependent, insecure, jealous, lazy, lacked drive in life, had a nasty bought of ongoing short-term memory loss and it was all making me crazy.  The topper.....he forgot my birthday.  Yep.  And it's not just any 'ol day but kind of a holiday. Oh, he played it off, but he did, in fact, forget it and then tried to rescue the day.  After that, I shut down.  I was going through the motions and our sex life had no life and hadn't for some time.

The end came, again, because of Meow Mix.  He told me I should give her to friends or family - NOT an option as no one would take her and/or I would never see her.  S simply could not understand one's attachment to their pet; their child.  After agreeing to taking a break, I went to "The Couple's" apartment for dinner and guess who should be there...T.H.  A few days later he began texting me.  I went to my parent's for the holiday and he would send the nicest text messages.  In the meantime, I mourned S.  The anger at him and myself was overwhelming.  That I could allow myself to stay in a situation that was never going to go anywhere unless I sacrificed everything of who I am and want in life for him.  I could just imagine moving in with S.  He wouldn't want me to add my touch to the apartment.  I would be living in his world without anything of my own to call it home.  The hurt and disappointment brought out the worst in me and finally I cried.  I cried until there was nothing left.  I thought about T.H. but knew I couldn't break up with S because of him; I hardly knew T.H., but there was the hope of him.

I came home a little stronger than I was before and yet still sad.  I was losing a friend and this was it.  It was the end of S.  Now I had to work up the guts to do it, to say what I wanted to say and make it stick. 

More to come....


I'm Baaaaccckkk! Did you miss me?

That's right, bitches....I'm bbbaaaccckkk!

Sorry for the one year hiatus but I kind of outted myself, or at least I thought I had.  So much to catch my lovely friends up on.  You'll be shocked, amazed, disappointed and even moved and then I'll catch you up on my latest endeavors in dating, love, life, and more.  It's time for something big to happen...

Looking forward to catching up with all of you!