The Lonely Boss Visits

I have always had a sixth sense about men who are interested in me, but, ironically, not the ones I seem to be interested in - I'm always left guessing.  It's a shitty situation to be in, one that can often lead to the end of friendships and that's why I've learned to cut them off at the pass.

When I quit my job in KS to move to Chicago, my Boss was not so happy about it.  I put in my three weeks and I am pretty sure he didn't talk to me until two days before I left.  You can say it's flattering when someone doesn't want you to leave because you're so good at what you do, but the truth is that he and I had a very special bond.  I will go as far to say there was a mild sexual attraction.

Boss is the kind of guy who is always positive, a great motivator.  He knew how to bring out the best in people and as Director of Promotions and Marketing, we spent a lot of time together.  I can honestly say that he made me into the driven, ethical professional I am today, and he's full of quotes.  Throughout the years of struggling with my business and trying to dig myself out of small bouts of depression, he always had a quote for me.  Four I have up in my office today:

1. "If you can still look up when you're down on your back, then you can get up!"
2. "You already have every characteristic necessary for success...you just need to recognize, claim, develop and use them."
3. "The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in our determination"
4. "Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish."

I love that last one. 

After I moved I put everyone back there on hold, giving us all a three-month breather.  It was like a bad break up.  We all needed time to move on and they needed to find someone to take my position.  After time, I called and spoke to him and he began to lament my leaving and that no one could do the job like me.  "Thanks, but you were never ever going to pay me more than a whopping $18,000 a year and I was still going to have to wait tables on the side."  His response was to get into sales.  "Oh, right, because I'm SO good at what I do and there's no way I'll ever make money doing it.  Yeah, I'm the one making you all look good so you can go out and make sales!"  (Btw- I'm also the one who put together promotional campaigns and proposals that helped them win national business, but did I see any of the commission?  What do you think?)

Anyhoo, over the years I've remained friends with my old boss, who's about 15 years older than I.  He was happily married, three kids and, like most people in that business, moving around a lot.  Recently he moved to Oklahoma for a job in a different industry and now his wife doesn't want to move to be with him.  Here's where I felt the major shift.

Last summer he was here for business and we got together for dinner and comedy club.  He showed up at my door with flowers - always the gentleman.  It was a fun night, he dropped me off and went back to his hotel.  Then he started calling more....and his wife announced her decision officially in January.  He started calling more.

Last night was totally different, and I felt it.  I mean I felt it in my bones that something was different and that he might, just might make a move on me.  He showed up at the door with flowers, again, this time roses.  I didn't want him to come up so I set them down in the doorway and said I was starving and would put them in water later.  He commented that he liked spoiling me with flowers.  He held the car door open, always, and we were off to dinner.  Cuban.  Something new for him.  Then he suggested we take a walk by the lake.  Whoa!  This sounds awfully romantic to me....quick...think.

"Okay, we'll grab some wine and glasses and go, but I can't stay long because I have a 7:30am breakfast meeting"  (lie, lie)

And we were off.  We drove, parked and sat along the lakefront drinking wine, looking at the harvest moon rise and the lights of the city behind us.  This is one of my favorite things about the city.  It's gorgeous.  Then fireworks went off at Navy Pier.  Damn it!  This is far too romantic.  Think....think.  Throw in something about seeing someone.  Shwew!  The conversation continued, I asked about his wife, etc. and then he stood up and seemed to be moving closer to me.  Damn it!

"Well, we should get going.  I'm dying to go to the bathroom and have to get up early."

We headed back to my house when he announced that when I move back to KS I'll only be three hours away from him (Damn it!  What does that mean?), he walked me to the door, we hugged and he held me a little too long....so I pulled away and started making my way up the stairs and then bid adieu.   I walked in to my house with some relief.

Sadly, I feel that he is simply lonely and sad about his marriage, but I am not the kind of gal to get mixed up in all of that.  No way.  No how.  Not to mention the fact that I'm not interested in him that way.  I like our friendship and do not want it to evolve into anything more.

Why can't men be as intuitive as women are, most of the time, and realize who isn't interested in them?  It would be so much easier if I had a real boyfriend or husband or partner at this point.  I am not the kind to lead any man on and I'm tired of men who are friends hitting on me and then ruining a decent friendship!  Stop it!

Stop Pissing Me Off

Wow, the last two days people have been totally pissing me off.  Seriously?  I'm typically a nice person, patient and accepting.  In business I'm a defuser.  I can defuse those like Ms. McSnippy Bitchy Pants, even though it does stress me out.

For instance, I'm currently sitting on the board for an awesome organization full of "the government should pay us, but wait we hate the government, but they fucking owe us" hippies.  The board is full of apathetic losers who couldn't give a rats ass.  They do nothing but sit with their thumbs up their asses at board meetings.  So when the communications committee, which I chair (lucky me) was directed to plan the executive director's retirement dinner I thought "of course, no problemo".  Famous last words because none of these lazy fucks have done anything (including my committee).  Yep, I've once again been roped into doing the whole thing with no help from fucking anyone and they want to raise $15k off the event for an endowment and spend $500 on a stupid memory book.  Yeah, stupid cuz I just spent all morning scanning in photos that are terrible.  I would never put these in a "memory book", but I don't fucking care anymore.  These asstards can have it but I am in no way, shape or form, fronting the cost of it cuz you know all these lame ass motherfuckers aren't going to lift a finger to recoup the cost.

To make matters worse the ED and his nutso wife are the biggest control freaks EVER.  This woman can't send a short and concise email to save her life, most likely because she doesn't understand the meanings to those words.  So far, thanks to the ED's crazy town USA wife, we're three weeks behind.  Fucking awesome.  Guess who gets blamed for this shit.  ME.  That's right, ME!  The only one who clearly gives a flying fuck at all.  And that is my problem.  I actually give a rat's ass about stuff in this life.  When I make a commitment I don't just sit back and wait for others to do the work, NO, I actually get my shit done. 

I am supposed to be president of the board but I have a big surprise for these stupid, lazy, poor excuses for human beings.  When this event is over I'm GONE!  I'm done.  I've decided to clean my personal house and that includes anything that doesn't feel right and this definitely qualifies.  This board is showing that they CAN'T do fundraising, and guess what?  It's not my fucking fault, losers!  Good luck!

Then there's the male stripper or bartender, or whatever else you do to wind up at the store with $100 in $1 bills.  I was a bartender/waitress for eight years and there's one thing you learn when you cash out at the end of the night, you fucking make an exchange!  Why take home ones when you can get twenties?  Unless you're a guy who desperately needs to stuff his pants with something fat cuz his penis ain't and at least money attracts the chics.  News flash - No one wants to stand behind you at the grocery waiting while you're dumb, but very pretty, ass counts out $76.80 in fucking $1 bills like a first grader.  For real?  Get a clue.

Oh, I could go on.  It's like the universe suddenly decided to shit on me the last 48 hours and I'm probably best staying away from ALL society until this resolves itself.  Until then, it's Noon on a Tuesday and there's a glass of wine sitting on my desk waiting to take away all this unnecessary stress and misery. It makes me want to sit and eat McDonald's and Dunkin Donuts all day long, but that would completely go against BFF and I's commitment to eating better and losing some lbs.

Note to self: be filled with much less hatred tomorrow.

It's funny once you make a decision that's going to change your life.  In this case, I'll be leaving Chicago and now dedicated to have as much fun while I'm here as possible. The downside of telling people, you're social calendar inexplicably becomes fuller than ever before.

Last week my neighbor and I went out.  I was happy to leave at 9p after the second martini, but she talked me into staying, resulting in an additional two glasses of wine (on my part, she continued on with the martinis), two shots and locking lips with a cute flirt late that night.  I used to kick myself the next morning for things like this, but, instead, I woke up laughing.  Too much fun and the flirt has been texting me.  Whatev!  I have nothing to lose anymore and I don't care.

This same neighbor has been trying to introduce me to her bf's bff and we finally had the opportunity.  A* landed four tickets to the Counting Crows concert at Ravinia.  Ugh!  Dude!  I promised a gf I'd head to the burbs to see her and spend the night.  Needless to say I found a way to balance both, but I wasn't exactly happy about it.  I fully enjoyed my day on a deck looking out on a lake, talking, having wine and then going out on the boat.  I didn't want it to end.  I envy her.  Every morning she wakes up in her own little paradise in the cutest house ever.

My gf is SO nice that she drove me from hers to Ravinia park.  So SWEET!  The date went fine - there was nothing 5'10" or even 5'8" about him.  Whateva.  Totally hunky, but....I hate when I'm with a guy and feel like an Amazon next to them.  I want to feel small and dainty.  Again, whateva.  He's totally cute.

Our seats sucked.  I'm mean they blew more than a fucking Kansas gale.  The place was packed and we were all the way in the back of the grass area.  So far back, in fact, that there were no speakers.  We couldn't even hear the fricking band!  However, we had some terrific people watching....A and I shared great convo and it was very easy to hang out with him.  After the concert, the neighbor decides we should all come back to ours, and after they went to bed A and I stayed up talking until 3a.

The verdict:  ironically we're kind of in the same place in life.  He wants to move back to the city but can't sell his house and I'm...done with the city - well, as a full time gig, that is.  He's also one with little faith.  He believes you can control anything and make your life happen, whereas I believe you can control what you can and the rest is a result of blessings or energy you attract to yourself.  It was an interesting conversation and.....we'll see.  He doesn't know I'm moving, so, WHATEVA!  I'm not worried about any attachments.  I'm too busy making a list of the furniture I'll keep and not, slowly purging shit that I've been holding on to for no particular reason and figuring out to make more money now and set a new career path.  The BFF says that this is when I'll meet someone...hahahahaha yeah, whatev!  (xo, girl)

Recruiter, Schmooter

When I decide something I typically go head first into it.  So, after deciding about my relocation to Kansas City I promptly got on the phone with a recruiter there just to say "hey, I'm moving down there and want to be proactive".

I sent him my resume and then later sent another one sans errors - Hey! It's been a long time since I've put together a resume.  Give me a break!  I sent this new resume this morning and the recruiter emails me back and says "I've talked to dozens of people about you but they're still hesitant. Have you had any luck on your own?"  What the fuck?  Dude!  First of all:

• I didn't say I was coming down this week.  I thought we could start this thing slowly.
• I guaran-fucking-tee that you didn't talk to dozens of people about me.  That's a standard line you have to tell everyone trying to find a job.  Don't bullshit me.  I get enough of it fed to me here in Chicago.
• Yeah, I've had some luck on my own just digging around and found some cool shit.  Why didn't you find that for me?
• I don't think you really understand what I'm looking for and the whole point of contacting you has been a complete waste of my time.  Once again, I have to do this shit all on my own.  
• I'm contacting other recruiters today.  This is crap!

So, if you're in the KC area and know some recruiters, email me at findingepiphany@hotmail.com.  Maybe they want to make money off of my badass experience and mad skills!

Quote(s) of the Day

"A Jedi must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind. This one a long time have I watched. All his life has he looked away... to the future, to the horizon. Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing. Hmph. Adventure. Heh. Excitement. Heh. A Jedi craves not these things. You are reckless!" - Yoda

Yes, I quoted Yoda.  Shut up!!  Got hooked into the Star Wars marathon this weekend - damn it!  Gosh, I love those movies.  So many deep meanings and undertones.  Anyhoo! 

Since making the decision to move, which makes me so happy, I'm starting to not live for today but for tomorrow, what's to come.  It's so easy.  It's so easy to begin fantasizing about what will and could become even when it's months down the road.  At least I realize where I'm at, what I'm doing and can consciously stop myself from losing everything; dropping the ball on the responsibilities I have in this moment - the here and now.  And I've been guilty of doing this for as long as I can remember - always dreaming of what I want.  One of my favorite things as a child.  But, if you spend too much time dreaming you'll never get the things done that will get you to that place.  

I've waited for this epiphany to happen for so long, it's hard not to get excited.  I'm telling close friends slowly, and told my parents this morning.  How can you not get excited about redefining your life; starting over and knowing what you want this time around?  It's really fucking hard!  Besides, it's exciting now, but it will lose it's shiny newness at some point.  And then, something else fun will happen.  So, I'll help you if you help me to continue living in the moment; the here and now, and we'll all get to where we're meant to.

"For some strange reason, no matter where I go, the place is always called 'here'".- Ashleigh Brilliant

and for a some other sage words of advice and kickass quotes on happiness and faith, you've got to check out And This Is What She Said .

Herding Flies

Since the "battle" this week, I am beginning to feel like a serial killer.  When I can't herd the flies out the door (do you realize how difficult this is?) I'm pulling the bug spray out of my side holster and getting a cheap thrill out of watching the fuckers DIE!  You know, it is quite fun and satisfying...but I recently noticed a maniacal laugh erupting from my vocal chords every time. I still have no idea how these fuckers are getting into my apartment.  I swear!  I kill them all, so I think, and 10 more pop up.  What the hell?

Three were released this morning and there are still three buzzing around totally pissing me off.  Maybe I should just bomb the hell out of my house and call it a day.

Have to go clean up my window sills, which are littered with death from this morning's killings.

I'm Moving

The last two weeks have been enlightening and frightening here.  Just when I thought I was going crazy, something happened that forced my eyes open and question what it is that I really want in this life, and it's not in Chicago.

That's right boys and girls, Epiphany has made some big decisions and one of them is to move back to Kansas City, closer to family, give up my business, if necessary, and start fresh.  After all, I'm not a young pup, like I was when I picked up, moved to Chicago and didn't look back, but I'm not dead yet either.  The pull to be closer to family has really been quite strong over the last few years and, so far, none of my friends are that surprised, though there are a few more to tell.

Maybe the pull is a result of not being happy for some time here.  Maybe it's just time.  There are things that I want for my life that I am not getting here, most importantly a quality of life.

I love Chicago.  In fact, I've been having a love affair with this city since I moved here.  It doesn't leave much room to have a decent love affair with anyone else.  Problem #1.

I love having a business in the city where I can work from home because I can walk out my door and be in the thick of things.  Never a dull moment.  I'd like to find this vibe in my future new home, but who knows.

One of my gf's moved here from the South and told me that as much as she loves Chicago it's not the end all be all for her.  She just came because of a job and "poof" she found everything she's been looking for.  I can't say the same.  Aside of amazing friends, life just feels a little....empty.

We're so conditioned to have an "exciting life" in the big city, going out all the time, lip slutting around and that makes us fabulous.  Really, it's just kind of lonely.  It's definitely time for a fresh start.  The timeline: within one year.  And, I feel really, really good about this.  It's scary to think about starting all over again, but I need an adventure and have conquered my other fears about change.  This is going to be a great thing.  In the meantime, I'm still moving forward:

• Application for faculty position sent in - check
• Landed opportunity to teach a workshop for a local business organization - check
• Proactively contacted a recruiter in KC to begin looking for opportunities - check
• Still lip slutting around Chicago (why not share the love before I go) - check
• Sister1 has offered to let me stay at her house with hubby until I land something and get a job - check
• Official target date: Late June 2011, but could happen before that

With all of this said, I think I'm giving myself plenty of time to love the city one last time and prepare for the break up.  However, it might be best to rip myself apart from this place like a band-aid. Get it over with.



(Watch, I'll make all the plans to move and everything will fall in place here.  That would be my luck. Nah, this desire to go back is too strong.)

The Killing Field(s)

I've lived in my apartment for a long time - almost a decade - and I have never ever before experienced the amount of disgusting bugs that have found their way into my place.  It has been a hot summer here in Chicago and apparently even they are trying to escape the heat.

Yesterday I went to take the trash out.  The door was open for a few seconds both out and back in.  Before I knew it there was a massive swarm of flies in my apartment.  Sure, I was nice and gave the few smart ones a chance to exit, and they did.  Then it was smack down time for the rest of them.  I mean it was WAR!

I folded up a magazine and started swatting the shit out these fuckers.  They were in my blinds - bad move, kids.  You trapped yourselves.  Swat, swat.  Their blood was on my hands now and I was hungry for more.  Swat, swat. They were in my curtains - my curtains are white.  I'm not about to stain them with fucking fly guts.  I swatted for what seemed like eternity and counted only about 10 dead on the battlefield, also known as my living room.  Much to my surprise, it seems they multiplied during the battle.  What the...?  I could feel the anger boiling and my cheeks flush from the heat.  World War III was about to break out in my apartment!!

I left and went to the store for a big ass bottle of wine  some conditioner and stopped in the insecticide aisle.  Yep, flying bug spray killer.  PERFECT!  You fuckers are out of luck.  I came home and sprayed my curtains - what a lovely scent this stuff has.  It didn't smell like death at all!  Next thing I know those little shits are dropping like, cough, flies.  They either dropped immediately or fell to the floor where they spun around in the throws of death.  Yes!  Satisfaction!

In the midst of the battle, Meow Mix decided to walk over and sit right in a place I had just sprayed several fly fuckers to death.  Great!  My determination diverted for a moment, I picked kitty up and washed her paws.  That shit's killing those fuckers for a reason.  Don't need Meow Mix to meet that same fate.  I'd be heartbroken.  With that said, she's usually a very good fly huntress.  In fact, I think she rather enjoyed their invasion.  As she laid on the couch, every now and again her paw would slip out and bat at a fly or three.  Clearly, Meow Mix has proven that she isn't willing to work for her kibble anymore, but rather prefers to be waited on hand and paw my yours truly.  (She's so cute though, you'd do it too!)

When I finished with kitty I looked at the battlefield and started sweeping up the remains.  I counted 30.  Yes, I said THIRTY flies tried to invade the peaceful land of Epiphany.  Gross!  That deserved a LARGE glass of wine.

Four survived the attack.  Two decided to escape this morning as soon as I opened the door.  Can't blame them. I wouldn't want to stay in my place either with the scent of death, aka Raid "now with a fresh scent" lingering in the air.  The remaining two I've given immunity.....for now.  We'll see how long they last, buzzing around and pissing me off. 

I've washed every sprayed surface and, now, burning incense to remove the stink of death that is on my hands and continues to linger in my cute apartment.  Just hoping God, the universe and/or karma don't punish me for the death and destruction I've imparted.  I have fears of "Tales from the Crypt", especially the guy who was so obsessed with being clean and then was attacked and eaten by roaches.  Sssshhhivveerrssss.

I've also learned that this spray, while specifically branded for flying bugs, also works on the big nasty ass spiders on my back deck.  I hate spiders.  I mean I really, really hate those ugly, creepy, nasty looking fuckers.  DIE!

The sign on my door now reads:  Bugs beware.  Enter at your own peril.  This is not a safe haven but death row.

Quote of the Day

If you hadn't figured out already, my epiphany is happening...right now!  Thanks to the BFF for another amazing quote to share:

"Face up to fear, every challenge is a blessing." ~ from a Dove Chocolate wrapper 

Major Flirt Encounter

To the super hot flirt (dark hair, crisp white shirt, black slacks and reflective aviators, yum!), with whom I shared a quite obvious and long glance as you passed close by me on the corner of Belmont and Sheffield this morning, THANK YOU!!  This girl needed that today.

As I remain high from that brief interaction, I should remember that I cannnnn't driinnnk caffeinated coffee.  Makes my hands shakkkyyy, which makes typing a little challenging.  So instead of a long post, I will share these hilarious pictures.  Apparently these skirts are all the rage in Japan.

Crisis Diverted

Sigh.  Crisis diverted.  What craziness!!  The good thing is that it forced me to start considering my worst-case scenarios and you know what I found out?  I'm going to be just fine.  Fear is pointless.  There's always a back up plan - or five - and I'm quite happy with all of them.  In fact, some of these "back ups" are things I've seriously considered for a few years, so, if this was going to be the final straw for me it would have forced me into an interesting situation, or three, but nothing I hated.

You know, it's hard living your truth and putting it out here for people, including some good friends to see/read.  It really is hard.  I mean, first I have to admit this shit to myself and then put it out in the world.  The reason it's so hard?  Because as much as I say "I don't give a DAMN what people think", I actually do.  We all do whether we realize it or not. No one wants to look like a pathetic loser; a failure; a "I just couldn't cut it".  No one wants others to feel sssooo sorry for them.  No one.  We just want to be loved and supported as we go through this crazy thing called life, which is so different for everyone.  We all have different paths.  Mine has been filled with ego and stubbornness.

Yes, big, HUGE surprise, I'm stubborn.  I've sat here and made a thousand excuses as to why I can't go do something else, take a job, have the life I want thanks to a bunch of Franklins in the bank.  It's not a bad thing.  It can, in theory, buy happiness.  Who are we fooling?  I've worked so hard with this determination; an almost sick determination that I can't quit my business until I've tried and done everything possible.  The reality is:  after 10 years, FUCK IT!  And if anyone thinks less of me they were never my friend.

I have this feeling that this "test", of sorts, was meant to make me face my fears of failure and just say fuck it.  I did and I said it.  You know what they say about holding on to things too tightly.....You'll lose it all.  Now that I've relinquished myself there's a sense of freedom that's been missing.  Yes, this is what I've needed to stop living my life based on others' expectations on me and my life.  It just doesn't matter.  All that matters is that I'm happy.  For too long I've valued my business and work over life and I've lost.  Lost out having fun and traveling with friends and loved ones.  I can't get that time back. 

Now, I'm not going to say it's easy.  I mean that pride popped back up in me today, but as long as I realize it and say "NO", I'm good.  The alternatives are just as good, if not a ton better, than where I'm at now.

Today: an old client has returned and I think I might have a gig teaching some workshops.  Keep your fingers crossed.

Freaky Tuesday Horoscope

My personal horoscope today  Scary...

"Has what used to be shiny and exhilarating become lackluster? Is your love life leaving much to be desired? Has your social calendar become sparse? Is your career at a low point? There's always something you can do to make any dull aspect of your life sparkle again! Jupiter is square Pluto, ushering in an intense, provocative energy. You want to renew your passion." 

This last weekend a client bounced a check that had a snowball effect.  That's IT!  I can't do this anymore.  I'm exhausted.  I wake up every morning and take a risk and that's about all the energy I have left for any other risks in life.  So, I've officially applied for a job and now applying for a lecture position that I think I am perfect for.  It's time to diversify and stop letting other factors determine my outcome.  Let's just hope they're gentle with the background check.  My credit blows.  But as my gf, Susan*, said "everybody's credit is shot and I guarantee you're still better off than many other people," which is probably very true, I just hate my reality.

It's time to sparkle again.  To be audacious once more!

Manic Monday

Just as things were going well and at full speed and huge road block popped up out of no where.  I don't understand why I have so many road blocks in my life.  Why can't I, for the first time in a long time, actually have a smooth ride?  Why am I always struggling with hurdles?  I'm so stressed out right now.

If you're wondering, no, new friend from my mani/pedi last week still has not contacted me.  Kind of sad about it, actually.