My Boyfriend is Making Me Fat!

As a woman who once worshiped Glamour, and later then Vogue, I've read every article on why you should love yourself and not complain to your boyfriend that you're fat, your ass is too big, or belly not flat enough.  Bottom line was always DON'T DO IT. Love yourself cuz your man adores you the way you are.  No where in any of those thousands of Glamours read did I see anything about how to keep yourself from blowing up into a big balloon while dating someone.  Nor have I seen anything regarding how to deal with a boyfriend who complains about being fat himself.

Normally, I eat very well.  I can't afford to go out to eat often, so I cook and it's always healthy with tons of veggies and definitely includes some four buck chuck from Trader Joe's (this shit is GOOD!).  I'm also not someone who eats much.  Normally I have three meals a day - not much of a snacker - and the portions are just about right.  I don't overeat, unless I'm at a restaurant, but even then I know that there is a to-go box in my future and that means additional meals, if not one, more, for the week.  Dating Steven has been a challenge in self control and being polite.

Now let me just say one thing that Steven likes about me is that I'm kind of over the "gotta be out at the hottest places in town every night of the week".  First it's expensive, seriously, with cabs you can easily spend $250 in one night, for one person - dinner, drinks, nightclub - it's insane!  And while it is fun every now and again, I've been there, done that, and now appreciate a different lifestyle.  There's nothing out there I haven't seen before and frankly, I feel just too old to participate in that crowd any more.  When it was my time, I had a BLAST, no doubt, but now I am so happy I had my fun and can concentrate on a different kind of life.  One that doesn't include getting home at 5am, sleeping until 1p and further cocktails to assist in hastening recovery.  Recovery now lingers long past the 24 hour mark to the 72 hour mark, and frankly, there's just so many more things I want to do with my day then play the hang over march from the couch to the bathroom all day long.

So, Steven and I go out every now and again, but not to the hottest restaurants in town.  We prefer the cool hole in the wall, neighborhood joints with amazing food and even more amazing prices.  The problem is that he eats A LOT!  In some cases prompting more "immediate bathroom" situations which result purely from lack of self control and overeating on verge of exploding - literally and figuratively.  I, of course, am in tote.  Even at home, when we cook at his there is an overwhelming amount of food.  It cracks me up.  He'll prepare his plate and then mine exactly like his, as if I have a starving army in my stomach.  Out of politeness I always tried to clean my plate.  Later on in our relationship, I've begun to stop him before he dishes out extra spoonfuls on to my plate.  Often I get the "you eat like a bird".  Of which I respond, "Do you like my butt?"  "I LOVE your butt." "Well, let's keep it from getting a zip code of it's own and still feeling the love, shall we?"

The real problem is that even though I've been cutting back and putting my foot down, I have, somehow, still gained weight, and no small portion of three pounds...much MORE!  This is truly the biggest I've ever been and I feel so uncomfortable that it's making me crazy.  If it hadn't been raining here for the last, oh FOREVER, I would be working on dropping some of this arse on the lake front. However, one gay bf alerted me to the fact that it's illegal to dump biological waste in public parks.

Worse than this, is how Steven feels about himself.  Rarely do I say a WORD about how I'm feeling physically, but Steven is almost constantly saying "I'm so fat".  My response "Don't complain.  Do something about it."  Harsh, maybe, but I say it in soft voice accompanied by a smile and followed with a kiss on the cheek.  The problem is an absolute lack of motivation.  As if his stint in the hospital when his heart rate was super high along with his blood pressure didn't freak him out at all.  It's pure LAZY.  This is a problem for me.  So, I've done what I can.  He's bought new rollerblades.  I encourage him to ride his bike and, when I can afford it, plan on joining his gym.  I, of course, do all of the cooking when we do get together and it's always healthy.  I even have a PT friend willing to train him FOR FREE twice, even more, but he won't follow through.  I am not sure if it's insecurity or lack of caring.  Please, I need a man's response!  I'm at a loss!

To top it off, Steven told me last weekend about his ex-gf who was always blowing him off for work but it always came out that she'd decided to go out to the clubs instead.  So, naturally, I had a super busy week and told him I needed to concentrate on me.  He realizes I'm not going to do the same to him, but I am now wondering how he will react when I start creating time for myself to go rollerblading, etc., for me.  It's not that I'm insecure about my relationship with him.  It's that I'm seeing all of his insecurities and it's a lot to take on.  Here is this amazing, even-keeled man, who in all other totally random, and quite embarrassing moments, has all the confidence in the world and these are his road blocks.  Seriously, Steven takes the "He's Just Not That Into" test and scores 120 out 100.  I'm totally confused.  I know what I need to do and if he won't do it for him, I can't let it stop me doing it for myself.

Amongst other things, there is something that has come up that really bothers me....apparently he's more than just slightly racist.  If you know me, you know this really pisses me off, and he knows exactly where I stand.  Is it small mindedness, ignorance or a deal breaker? 

The honeymoon is over.....

xoxo

Stress - All Time High

Ugh...after spending nearly $500 of my own money, which I didn't have to give away, on the new business pitch trip to Pittsburgh, we find out today we didn't win.  Seriously?  How do we go from leading the pack to not winning?  It's all sssooo confusing.

I will admit that recently I've been feeling as if my young looks are going against me.  God bless my parents and the awesome genetics they handed down to their offspring, but I'm beginning to feel that gaining another 20 pounds, cutting my hair, dying it a blah brown and dressing in old woman suits would make me seem more credible in the eyes of prospective clients. I'm not kidding.  I just don't get it.

Over the years I've realized that I actually have to be a different person, professionally, with each one of my clients.  Mostly it's with men.  The women are great and love to bond on a level beyond professional, it's the men who make me feel like Cybil.

There are the men who:

• are passive aggressive and like having a strong, bitchy woman push them around, telling them how it's going to be.
• ignore me until I've been in the board room yapping long enough that they actually begin to listen to what I have to say.  Then they totally respect me. 
• look at me in disbelief that I have 15 years experience, knowledge and creative ideas that will benefit them.  Mostly I feel they think I can't get it done.
• are cool and want me to be cool like "one of the guys", so I talk to them like one of the guys, never touching on anything too personal
• and those who want to totally and completely be "all up in my biznez", literally.  Of course I don't make it a practice to date my clients, especially when they're near dead, ask me out for drinks and then attempt to make out with me.  Eeeewww!

I'm telling you, it SUCKS!  Unfortunately, once again, I feel that this is potentially what might have occurred in this instance.  It's not the first time I've been on a pitch with this company and actually had feedback to this point.  They totally question my capabilities.  Oddly enough, when I search online later to see how things are going for them, I see nothing.  NOTHING!

The worst part is that I needed a return on my investment...I did NOT have that $500 to spend and my stress is now at an all time high.

Am I off spiritually?  Am I disconnected?  Have I been so deep in la-la land with Steven that I've simply not focused where I should?  A friend told me today that I needed the break.  I needed to mentally and spiritually get away from it all, but now I'm just left feeling like I may not accomplish what it is I want to...that the opportunities in front of me are all for not.  Certainly God wouldn't have given me more than I can handle - I do believe everything happens for a reason, but this is nuts!

How is it after everything good that's happened that I am here....once again?


xoxo

Preparations Have Been Made....Countdown Begun

I've been preparing for the date with Steven since last night.  Why so long?  Well, I did my home mani last night (with a bottle of wine) and it turned out to be a disaster.  Too thick, then too much top coat, which made it bubbly, then quick dry which dried it smooth but you could see the bubbles.  Total disaster.  The worst part is that I stayed up later than normal to let it dry and couldn't sleep in this morning because my intern was coming in (that's the great thing about interns.  You HAVE to get out of bed and showered). So, took it all off. Painted bottom coat and then painted one coat each hour today while working to make sure it's dry.  Perfection!

A sugarfree Red Bull and a very hot shower, yummy on this the coldest day of the year in Chicago, and a face mask, of which I already think some bastard pimple is trying to make it's nasty ass way to the surface.  Zapped that shit!

Yep, a balmy 5 degrees currently shows on my thermometer, but the wind chill is definitely under 0. Bbbbrrrr.  It's freaking crazy!!  I wonder why any sane person would bother to go anywhere on days like this.  If I didn't work from home, I would have called in sick or negotiated working from home, for sure!  At this very moment, I write with my hot pink gloves and wool scarf on.  All I can do is think about the warmth of summer.  Not really nervous about tonight (the first date I've had in MONTHS), I'm more worried about the frigid temperatures and the fact I'd rather wear flannels and warm boots then feign an attempt of sexy, which will not be as warm.  It's all about the layers. That's how you survive Chicago winters - well, that and a warm down or Thinsulate coat.  Even then...it's fucking COLD!

Oh, I've already been reassured that Steven is able to "..provide the heat, baby! Don't you worry about a thing." Gotta admit, I like flirtation.  It builds a nice level of excitement, fun and desire.


Years ago a gf introduced me to a wine expert from Seattle who was in town (I know you're reading this and you KNOW who I'm talking about).  He and I were on fire the second we met.  When he returned home the text messages flew.  It was a rapid fire flirtation with some dirty talk and....it was ON!

It wasn't long before he called and asked me to meet him in Minneapolis to help him with an event.  His hotel was overbooked and they couldn't find him another room.  We ended up at a Travellodge so disgusting even the roaches wouldn't set up shop.  It smelled like a combination of ash trays, booze, trash and ass.  I don't want to think about what I might have possibly caught there.  Just breathing in the air was toxic and all guests should have been required to wear masks and goggles along with radiation suits.

A nice dinner out, couple glasses of wine and we were back in the hotel (cough, if you can call it that) ripping each others clothes off.  Needless to say, it was pretty amazing.  Even at the nasty ass Travellodge.  I don't even think squatters and the homeless would inhabit that building if it was empty.  It was NAST-OLA!  All of that heat, simply from text messages.  And then, it was over.  Sure he'd come to town and we'd hook up, but that was it.  No more hot text messages.  The desire had been extinguished.  Was I sad?  Nope.  It was exactly what it had always meant to be.

Tonight, I hope to experience the positivity of owning my shit and dealing with it.  That means how I react to, perceive and respond to men. 

So, I'm finishing up work for the day soon, because I require a load of work before heading out.  If only men appreciated the time and effort that women put in to being presentable for them.  Not to mention the sheer pain of looking fabulous.  All I can think about is stiletto boots walking on the icy sidewalks outside that await me, saying "There's no way around me.  Take the chance.  You won't fall and bruise your ass so bad you won't be able to sit for days.  Trruuussssst me."   Even with wool knee high socks,  I can already feel my feet freezing and the pain of walking with feet that are apparently about to fall off because they're frost bitten and turning black.  I can see it now.  It's going to take me 15 minutes just to walk 25 yards.  Yea.  I can't wait.

All I know is there is a warm fireplace awaiting me...that's if we get there early enough...and a martini to thaw my limbs.  And, hoping the man is just as hot...as he claims!

Full report Saturday..

xoxo

Back in the Saddle, Again

Hold your horses, kiddos.  Are you sitting down?  You might want to...

Epiphany has a DATE.  A REAL one.  Yep, turns out one of the "texters" just needed a shove and he asked me out for Friday night.  We're going to a pretty trendy place (read a lot of younger people hang there) but whatev.  It's going to be fun, and I now know that my hormones are still, in fact, working which is a big relief because I thought I was all dried up. 

Here's my problem - I don't often do first dates on the weekends because there's no "end time".  I'm sure I can maneuver my way home, but when you're meeting at 6p there's a good chance, unless it's a terrible time, he doesn't look at all like his pictures or he talks with his mouth stuffed full of food which sprays across the table every time he opens his mouth or takes a breath, that I'll be with him for 6 hours.  I guess, I'm really worried about the stigma - weekend dates mean sex!  A gf and I have a new rule (thanks Patty Stinger) "No sex before monogamy".  However, put a couple of cocktails in this gal bundled with a good time and I'll be out all night.  I didn't say sex, but it's hard for me to walk away from a good time.


Here's the other thing...I can't get into any of my jeans!  I'm legging central (and sweats) these days and...well, hoping I can find something that doesn't show the tummy and still makes me look hot.  Unfortunately, with small boobs that means drapey and drapey which means not showing some cleav...if I could afford to go shopping I'd hit "The Max".  Right now it appears my best assets are my calves which will be covered by leggings and tall stiletto boots.  So I guess that means my best assets will be my wrists and ears.  Gosh, when did my confidence die?  Pathetic!  My friends, including you, should all SLAP me! 

Enough, E!  Stop over thinking it!  I know plenty of people who had sex on the first date, or shortly after, and are now happily married.  I also know tons of men who don't care whether you have a perfect body or not.  I'm a ton of fun, witty, smart and I don't have one large mole for a face!

And this is ALL very ironic because several years ago I decided to put an end to the first date jitters.  I told myself, and should remember this, that HE should be nervous whether I will like HIM, not the other way around.  Note to self....

So, who is he?  He's Steven, 39, 5'10, dark hair, shaved head (if you're going bald, just do it. It's hot!), he's got a fairly decent sense of humor, from what I can tell (anyone who puts Rocket Scientist down as their career or sends me an official "date itinerary"has to be fun!), cute, from what I can tell, and loves, LOVES to flirt and so do I!  He may be just what the doctor ordered.  Time for a face mask and home mani tonight.

I wonder if I do some squats tonight if it will make a difference...

Here's hoping he doesn't ask broke E to pick up any part of the tab.

Wish me luck! It's been a very long time since I've had a date....

xoxo

The White Dress Lifted the Fog

It's amazing how the right dress can put you in the mood to feel beautiful and successful.

It's been awhile since I've had a real business meeting, and today was one of those days.  Seriously, why do you think I needed to get pretty on Sunday?  It's been awhile.  I work from home - currently in army green shorts and my orange UT shirt (my BFF, Dawn*, and I had a, well, memorable trip to Austin...Bugtussle!).

It was fucking hot and muggy here!  The kind of day when you walk out of the house and wonder why you even bothered showering.  The right clothing is crucial in this weather. So, today I braved wearing my favorite white linen, brocade, sleeveless roped empire waist, white dress with black slings with white flower on the toe to a new business meeting with two new male clients.  I say braved because I'm one of those people who wears something white and even though I'm nowhere near an Italizn restaurant, somehow I still end up getting something bright red dribbled down the front.  This is the same with white shirts, skirts, pants and shorts.  I can be standing, not touching anything and will still get a mark or stain the size of Texas on my white clothes.

I guess you could say I needed a little, for lack of a better reference, Sex & The City mojo today.  After all, I'm in my mid-30's, I'm not dead, fairly attractive and nothing says confident, successful business woman like a great outfit. It worked!  It totally lifted me out of my fog.

It's times like this when I love walking around the busseling streets of downtown Chicago.  In fact, I was right down by the set of Transformers.  Interesting to see how they do what they do to make a city looked demolished. 

So, it's interesting, however, that I've discovered over the years that there's real psychology behind the way you dress.  For instance, with woman, depending on the business, I either dress nice casual or pump up the accessories with an all black or blue outfit.  With men, I typically wear pants and heels, always.  It sort of says "don't think of me as a fragile woman, but one of the guys".  Yes, I did wear a dress (I said it was hot and gross here), but the right dress can say exactly what you need it to in any occasion.  It's all in how accessorize.

Yes, I've officially won the business (the second in a month), and, more importantly, I'm not worrying about whether more business will come or not.  I'm just open to receiving everything that is meant to be given me.  Ten points for Epiphany! It's pretty freeing.  The dress too...from the stifling humidity.

Sisters!

Shwew!!! I survived the weekend with sister1 and husband. It was a true whirlwind, but fun and I do love them. I can say that I am thoroughly exhausted! I can also say that I had a vodka martini slip and told my brother-in-law that I was really hurt by sister1's comment to me....he couldn't believe she said it.

Sister1 and I spent more than half our lifetime as practical strangers. She is seven years older than me and hated life so much that she didn't want to participate in mine for fear of remembering her hell. As a little girl, Sister1 was the only babysitter I would allow near me. I fondly remember a time when the babysitter couldn't get my pj's on, so Sister1 came in and told me to jump up and down on the bed to get my pants on. She was also the only one who could feed and hold me. Throughout the years we became more distant. I followed my path and she wanted to get away from all of us as fast as possible.

She did have her great moments like when Sister2 was supposed to take me to a movie and then stood me up to hang out with her friends. Sister1 called and asked if I wanted to go to the horse show. I was thrilled. She was, despite it all, always there. Sister2 never really supported me in all the things I was involved in, but Sister1 was always there. In my early 20's, Sister1 and hubby moved closer to my college town and I began going to their house for dinner. It's like having a new friend and discovering who they are. It took a few years, but since then we've been very close. We've helped each other become better people. We make time to visit one another....but something has changed.

The hardest part for me with my sister is that she is so closed minded. This weekend was Pride fest and I knew there was no way I would take them or even consider introducing them to "the girls" (read: boys). Both of them are so anti-gay and I think it's more because they have never met one or opened their heart to one to understand rather than simple disdain. It's easy to be afraid of the unknown. Sadly, "the girls" are great people and good friends to me, and disheartening that they will probably never meet these friends. It's ironic, too, because sister1/hubby both say that they are Christians and yet they are so judgmental. I believe it's our job to love everyone, open our hearts to as many people as possible - to spread the love of Christ - and He will do the judging. In turn, we'll be judged on our ability to walk the path.

My sister even chooses to judge me. Somehow she makes me feel like I am an irresponsible kid who knows nothing, and, of course, I understand that only you can allow someone else to make you feel this way. Without a doubt, I'm positive that if my life were on a track with some kind with financial stability, a house, husband and child that she would not do this - or make me feel this way. Yet, I have to learn to get to this place without these stabilities. Much like my father, there is a sense of disappointing her. I really need to let it go. Let go of how I think people think of me, how I think they will feel about my choices and start living for me - without abandonment.

I have daddy issues. My sisters and I all do. It's interesting and sad that sister1 has so much disdain for my father, yet she is the most like him, and becoming more so everyday. He is a challenging man, always has been, and even more challenging as he becomes a grumpy old man who doesn't feel well. She is starting to mimic some of this behavior....at the ripe old age of 43. He was a dictator of some sorts growing up but a great problem solver who, despite not listening any other time, could, if need be, really listen and help you mull over important decisions and problems. His heart, while often selfish, was mostly in the right place - but more on him later.

I worry most that sister1, after years of avoidance, will never fully rectify with herself these issues of hatred, dislike, fear and annoyance for my father. Instead she continues to carry them around, becoming (unaware) more and more the exact mold of him. That's a long lifetime and a heavy burden. She is so clearly angry and unhappy, almost the "victim" - like my dad - in life. I don't know how she can carry it around with her day in and day out, moment by moment.

Sister1 is lucky to have her hubby. He is the best. They balance one another. He is always loving, fun and upbeat, even when she's a kill joy. The one thing she and I have in common - we're really good at beating ourselves up.

I've chosen to deal with my "daddy issues" and find a way to interact with him that makes our time together far more enjoyable. I wish she could do the same, but she gets pissed every time I give her suggestions. If she chooses to carry this hatred in her heart for a lifetime, there is nothing I can do. I simply pray that she will find peace. If she is unable to do so I fear that it will forever alter our relationship. With that said, I have become very adept at one-sided relationships, especially with family. I always cater to them and they never want to hear the truth of what I have to say, so I keep it all inside...festering away until one day I explode. It's not worth it, and so God, instead, gave me the idea for Finding Epiphany.

I won't often "beat the bible" here (it's not really my approach), but it is important to understand this side of me in the hunt for my Epiphany, and even yours. I am a person of faith - and you can determine whatever that higher power is for you - for me it's God. I also believe in the power of energy, aka the universe or karma - that there is a balance. It's easy to have faith in one aspect of your life, but when all of it seems out of whack, you want to try and take control rather than just live in the moment and have faith, or allow the universe to work in your favor. The one thing I know is that God has a plan for me, for each of us, that is greater than we even think we're capable of achieving. You have to keep your eyes, ears and heart open to be lead and then act.

Faith is not easy, nor for the faint of heart, but it works when you can let go. There in lies the trick...stop trying to control and let go. For me this blog is a release of thoughts and emotions clogging up my flow of faith and the positive energy around me. Allowing those thoughts to swirl around in your head can make you crazy. It reminds me of when I was a little girl and had a bad dream. My parents always said that if you say what the dream was out loud that you'd never have it again, and they were right. I want peace of mind and personal fulfillment in this short life. Unfortunately, we have to carry the baggage with us, but we don't have to unpack it.

Saying "No" Doesn't Mean I'm Boring

I love having fun. Love IT! Who doesn't? In my case...I can't say no. "No, I have to go home" are words that don't seem to exist in my vocabulary, or at the least momentarily disappear at key times. Of course, they do make an appearance, like when someone is trying to get me to stay out and spend too much money, or following a romp in the hay that I've suddenly regretted, and immediate fleeing is required. It's not like I can't say it, it's just that a lot of times I have real trouble saying "No".

Yesterday is the perfect example. I attended a luncheon with a friend -we'll call him The Mayor (He knows everyone and I mean everyone!) - and we headed to the bar following for a few drinks, which turned into a bender, which led to a cab ride to the West Loop neighborhood and sitting on a patio until Midnight flirting with some cuties....I could have been home and back to work by 3p, I could have saved money and done something productive at home, but uh huh, nope, I said "yes" to the glasses of wine and the adventure that followed.

Maybe it's the wine...it...always...starts with the wine. Now, I didn't get drunk last night, and although I question it some times, I don't have a drinking problem, but I definitely should have spent my day in a better way. The wine is something I turn to for relaxation, but I HATE to be drunk. No doubt I would have slept better last night and not feel like complete crap today (not read: hangover, just tired). Some greasy fast food breakfast sounds awesome right now, but that's not going to help me on the "getting in shape" front. I don't regret the fun I had yesterday (well maybe just a little) but what I need to figure out is why I can't stop myself.

I've always left it up to friends in the past, who have more self control, to say "we're going...NOW", but I can't seem to say it myself. It's like I need someone to call me on the phone and check in, drive by and throw me in the back seat or an alarm to suddenly go off on my mobile to snap me into reality. It's like...I need someone to care about me more than I do.
I would have stayed out on that patio until this morning if I could have...I bet. Or worse....I could have gone home with a flirt!

I know that married people always seemingly want their days of single freedom back, and I should embrace mine, right? After all, I'm exercising my right to stay out late with some flirts with no one to answer to, no kids or husband at home. Maybe, just maybe, you think I'm nuts, this is not a big deal at all and I should stop kicking myself. Maybe...or maybe I have been so stressed out over trying to figure out my life, et al, that when fun presents itself I over indulge myself in an attempt to runaway, clear my mind - any other excuse I can come up with. Wow, sadly, I've been doing this for years....