Stress - All Time High

Ugh...after spending nearly $500 of my own money, which I didn't have to give away, on the new business pitch trip to Pittsburgh, we find out today we didn't win.  Seriously?  How do we go from leading the pack to not winning?  It's all sssooo confusing.

I will admit that recently I've been feeling as if my young looks are going against me.  God bless my parents and the awesome genetics they handed down to their offspring, but I'm beginning to feel that gaining another 20 pounds, cutting my hair, dying it a blah brown and dressing in old woman suits would make me seem more credible in the eyes of prospective clients. I'm not kidding.  I just don't get it.

Over the years I've realized that I actually have to be a different person, professionally, with each one of my clients.  Mostly it's with men.  The women are great and love to bond on a level beyond professional, it's the men who make me feel like Cybil.

There are the men who:

• are passive aggressive and like having a strong, bitchy woman push them around, telling them how it's going to be.
• ignore me until I've been in the board room yapping long enough that they actually begin to listen to what I have to say.  Then they totally respect me. 
• look at me in disbelief that I have 15 years experience, knowledge and creative ideas that will benefit them.  Mostly I feel they think I can't get it done.
• are cool and want me to be cool like "one of the guys", so I talk to them like one of the guys, never touching on anything too personal
• and those who want to totally and completely be "all up in my biznez", literally.  Of course I don't make it a practice to date my clients, especially when they're near dead, ask me out for drinks and then attempt to make out with me.  Eeeewww!

I'm telling you, it SUCKS!  Unfortunately, once again, I feel that this is potentially what might have occurred in this instance.  It's not the first time I've been on a pitch with this company and actually had feedback to this point.  They totally question my capabilities.  Oddly enough, when I search online later to see how things are going for them, I see nothing.  NOTHING!

The worst part is that I needed a return on my investment...I did NOT have that $500 to spend and my stress is now at an all time high.

Am I off spiritually?  Am I disconnected?  Have I been so deep in la-la land with Steven that I've simply not focused where I should?  A friend told me today that I needed the break.  I needed to mentally and spiritually get away from it all, but now I'm just left feeling like I may not accomplish what it is I want to...that the opportunities in front of me are all for not.  Certainly God wouldn't have given me more than I can handle - I do believe everything happens for a reason, but this is nuts!

How is it after everything good that's happened that I am here....once again?


xoxo

Pittsburgh

It was really nice to have me time during the week to prepare for Pittsburgh.  Not to mention I had other work I really needed to zero in on and accomplish without distraction (aka Steven).  Boy one kiss and I want to rip his clothes off.  How. Does. He. Do. That?  And that's exactly what I did.  I got a lot of shit done.

Over the last couple of weeks I've been bringing on interns to help out with stuff like social media and event planning, and still looking for one who can come in during the week for pitching.  It's a super big help and takes some weight off my mind.  I'm the kind of person who loves to be busy, but then, when there's so much I become paralyzed.  I don't know where to start.  At that point I give up and walk away until I get a game plan together.  It's really weird and I'm highly aware of that fact.  In some ways, I'm getting everything I want but the fear gets me.  Who is afraid of success?  E....it's crazy!  

The other good thing about having my time is that I can do all of my secret girly stuff - olive oil treatment for my hair, getting my hair cut and highlighted, painting toe nails and of course, taking care of Aunt Flo for her monthly visit.  She decided to show up Wednesday night.  Great!  I'm going to be cramping and lightheaded for my trip which means I will not be showing up to this pitch at 100%.  More like 75%, if I'm lucky.  

I will admit I was a bit nervous for this trip, but talking with Steven on the phone for 2.5 hours Wednesday night helped me forget about it.  I am a big fan of being able to talk on the phone and feel it's important for couples to be able to express themselves in person, by letter/email or via phone.  For me, I suppose it's all those times I watched couples I admire be far apart for long periods of time due to work or family emergency.  They were forced to have a relationship by phone.  So, if a guy doesn't want to talk on the phone....well, we either have to work on it or not.  It's like hugs.  Hugs can be so incredibly intimate and yet most men are like fuck the hug.  Take off your dress.  Steven is a tremendous hugger!

Thursday arrives and my morning call was rescheduled, so I literally had the whole morning to get my shit together, but.....because of Aunt Flo I was moving slow and in a haze.  Before I knew it I was running late.  Can't take the train.  Now have to catch a $30 cab.  GREAT!  I'm bleeding money.

Once in Pittsburgh, my colleague and I rented a car.  We got in late so it was night time there.  However, there was just enough snow on the ground to reflect what little light there was from cars on the highway to allow me to get a glimpse of the terrain.  Huge bluffs everywhere.  It wasn't long before we came up on the edge of town and I could see how this city had built itself into these bluffs.  It was quite lovely.

Every time I go somewhere new I always wonder what I would be like today if I had grown up and lived in that place.  My colleague is a wealth of knowledge, or as he says "an intellectual trash can," and so he gave me some insight to my query.  Apparently Pittsburgh has it's own language called Pittsburghese.  Honestly, they have their own dialect and language that is specific to the area.  For instance, they don't say Steelers, it's pronounced "Stillers".

I quickly learned that even though I've grown a hard shell living in a big city it might be much thicker should I have grown up in Pittsburgh.  "You may know how to handle yourself in the city but you're still a Midwestern girl with heart," said my colleague.  And he's right.  Just then "You're in for a real treat, E."  Oh goodie!  I love a treat! And with that we entered the Pitt Tunnel. As we exited a mile or so later my breath caught.  My eyes were lit up with what seemed to be a hidden city tucked in among the Allegheny Mountains.  The bridge was beautiful and artistic, the lights of the city were everywhere.  They danced and reflected off the snow and river below.  It was indeed a treat and a mental picture I won't soon forget.

We got to the "hotel", or as I say the stinkiest Quality Inn I've ever been in, located in the university area - I had no idea that Carnegie Mellon and Pittsburgh were literally across the street from one another - and I dropped off my luggage while we waited for my colleague's 79-yr old sister to come pick us up.  She was a real treat.  A firecracker who gives 79 a good name.  She's independent, outliving two husbands, and has a quick wit.  I loved her.  At first I was worried that I "Pricelined" my hotel too far away from downtown (only about 2.5 miles away) but she told us later that downtown shuts down around 6:00p.m.  So my hotel was perfect.  She took us to a little place in the heart of it all on a cute street that was so steep I thought the car would tumble backwards from gravity.  But it didn't.  A couple of martinis and a burger and I was out for the night.

I didn't sleep all that great so the next morning was a struggle.  I managed to iron my clothes the night before, which was wise because I was moving slow....again.  Finally downstairs and into the Panera, located just under the hotel, a bagel and some Earl Grey tea and we were off.  I wasn't that nervous, but I was feeling a bit on edge.  Thankfully I had done my research on the players in the room.  While my colleague went to the bathroom and got some coffee, I walked in to the conference room and introduced myself.  Immediately, I noted the man from Oklahoma City and mentioned I grew up in Kansas.  Turns out that he went to K-State and Hutchinson Community College and had even lived in my hometown.  That really broke the ice and others joined in the conversation until my colleague arrived and we got started.

All in all, I feel the pitch went well.  I knew that we were in the lead going in but I didn't realize just how much they favored our direction until the Q&A began.  It was more like a planning meeting about moving forward than part of the pitch.  We shall see.  I don't want to get my hopes up but I am hopeful we'll get it.  It would be my largest client and bring in some money to help pay down my debts.  However, I have to keep thinking that if I don't get it, I will still be okay.  Everything has been changing in my life lately and it all started with opening myself up to Steven.

Over the years, I lived in my past.  I've had regrets for breaking hearts and such.  Mostly for breaking one heart for a guy who would end up abusing me.  It's as if I felt I didn't deserve God's blessings and so I blocked myself from receiving.  No more!  I am open and ready.....finally.....

xoxo

Super Bowl "Party"

I was excited to meet Steven's friends at the Super Bowl "Party".  I put it in quotes because it wasn't really a party, more like some friends getting together at a bar.  Nonetheless, he wanted to introduce me to his friends.  That is a step in the right direction.

Dressing to meet someone's friends, especially when you know a lot of them are women, is tough.  We women are so critical of one another and I truly believe that on most occasions we actually dress for other women.  Ourselves, but for other women.  Women are the one's who will compliment you on how you "cute" you look or give a "I LOVE those shoes, where did you get them."  There's no better compliment.  Some guys can say it, like my gay boys, but straight boys just think you look hot and that's it.  Yeah, that always makes you feel good, but there's something about a compliment from another woman.  It's almost like jealousy!  LOL  I went for cute casual, pairing jeans with a winter white sweater with a zipper on the neck to the shoulder blade and brown boots, and decided it didn't really matter.  They're either going to like me or not.

Steven came to pick me up and we were off.  I've noticed that when I'm with him I just let go, meaning I don't ask where we're going, what we're doing or try to control his driving with directions.  I trust him and just go with the flow.  We ended up at a bar in Old Town I've never been too and proceed to get a seat.  I don't ask about his friends, but soon realize it's only a couple of us and the one woman can't come.  Soon, it's me and one of his guy friends.

This guy is interesting, I would learn.  He moved here and his gf introduced him to Steven, who took him under his wing and showed him the city.  He and I quickly have several things to talk about and decided to trade business cards. Overtime, I begin to notice that every time he and I start talking, Steven would slowly reach out to put his hand on my knee.  I really like that he's so affectionate, it's something I really need in a relationship.  Call it reassurance but I like to know my man is into me, even in public.  But this was a little different.  When I looked at his face there was an intent there as he gently touched me but his face was hard as he looked straight ahead at the TV screen.  It was serious and I believe I got a glimpse of what he would be like on the job in an urgent situation.  It was like there was some competition there....for me.  Geesh, he should just lift his leg an pee on me.  That would show the other dogs who belongs to who. We all decide to root for Green Bay, and good thing we did.

Sitting in front of us were just the kind of douche bag guys I would normally be attracted to - good looking, really fit, dressed well....HOT!  I watched them but secretly liked that I didn't have to worry about trying to catch their attention.  These are the guys I would typically date who just want you to look good and be good in bed.  They don't want to talk.  They don't want to know you, because they don't know themselves.  They're so busy trying to be cool that they only see the world in one way - they're way. Or I should say that they're living life the way they think others think they should be living life - cool, getting action and without regard to anyone else.  They were definitely in their 30's but acted like they were 24 getting completely wasted on a Sunday night and making complete fools of themselves.  It wasn't long before one of the guy's girlfriends got pissed and took off.  He went after her but she wanted nothing to do with him.  Good for her. 

The game ended and we left.  We took his friend home and Steven opened up to me about him.  Apparently he's CHEAP.  In fact, he ate and drank and then didn't offer to pay.  CHEAP! Moreover, it seems that he's not an ethical business person and has been known to rip his clients off to get more commission on what he sells.  No thank you!!!  I thanked him for telling me and that I would proceed with caution.  Furthermore, if the fact he never pays shows total disregard for Steven's friendship then the fact that he has been a "girl stealer" solidifies it.  Steven told me stories of when they would go out.  He would meet a girl and start talking to her, walk away for a second and his friend had already moved in on her.  It's like Steven was the warm up act.  I could feel the animosity towards his friend and it's like he was getting angry all over again.  Sitting there in the car, I couldn't help but wonder why he would choose to invite this friend to be the first to meet me.  Then I realized that in Steven's mind he was showing his friend that HE won in the end.  

That night we came back to my house for a bit and I told him that I wasn't going to be able to see him until Friday night.  I simply can't afford to get completely wrapped up in him, letting my mind daydream about what might come.  The focus has to remain on me getting done what I need to do for ME!  And it's quite a bit to accomplish, but winning this new piece of business would help....A LOT!

I kind of felt bad because we'd had a couple of attempts of trying to seal the deal without the desired outcome, so I didn't want him to think I was walking away, but just needed to get my own shit done.  Not to mention the fact I had just spent $500 on a trip to Pittsburgh to pitch this new business, so I'm sweating the financial situation a little.  YEAH!  I know!  It's really, REALLY rare that a company asks you to come to them to pitch and then doesn't fork over the money to get you there.  Ironically, the organization is HQ'd in Chicago.  Go figure.  In the end I resolved myself to believing that God would not give me the opportunity if I couldn't handle it....financially.

I walked him to the door.  He lingered taking every kiss he could get and then he was gone.

xoxo

Frozen Tundra, Frozen Heart

If you've ever wondered what it's like to be an igloo, come to Chicago.  It's cold and there's WAY too much snow - although pretty, I had to shovel and so it loses its novelty quickly.  Even typing, I can feel every single muscle in my hands and arms. Let's not talk about my back.  However, I want to lose a 10-er and I certainly dumped some cals yesterday.

Due to the storm arriving Tuesday, Steven was put on mandatory overtime and wasn't going to leave work until Thursday, so we rescheduled our plans.  That is until he texted me at 4:30 saying they had too many people on and he was coming home, would I like to get together.  Dude, major snow storm has already started.  We're talking BLIZZARD!  Are you nuts? I responded that it looked like traffic and roads were getting bad and it would be better to wait.  He seemed bummed.  It was like he had no idea that the third worst storm on record was hitting us that night!  Then again, if a man wants something he'll cross rivers and dig through snow drifts the size of The Rockies to reach it. 

Sure enough, within two hours I was downstairs shoveling - four inches.  My neighbor was out and offered to help.  Three hours later I go back out and my previous efforts had been completely blown away.  It was as if I hadn't been out there at all.  So, I shoveled again.  By morning, there was absolutely no sign of my hard work and this is what I awoke to:

Yep, that's a car, kids.  Right in front of my house.  Fortunately, I was smart enough to make a deal with the two boys downstairs to help with the shoveling.  Boy One started about 9:00a and made his way through about two feet of snow in a four foot path on the sidewalk before giving up.  While I appreciate his efforts, the foot of snow on our landing was shoveled into the gangway on the side of the house (a walk way between houses for people to get to their doors in a multi-flat building.  Not to mention where our mailboxes are) making the drift there about four feet.  Great.  I went out a little later and started from the back of the house where the drifts were nearly three feet and shoveled out the gangway.  It was actually quite pretty and I hated to disrupt the artwork created by the wind, but it had to be done.  The boys hollered at me to come in for coffee when I was finished.  I did and we took a break.  A break which included me showing the two of them how to use their sewing machine.  Twenty-something straight boys who sew.  Well, you have to figure one's a chef and the other a musician.  Creative types who smoke pot and aren't afraid to admit they sew.  Nice.

Finally, boy neighbor two and his girlfriend bundled up in snow gear and we all went back out to finish the job.  Bot Two took the incredibly deep gangway and stairs and us two gals took turns on another shovel.  Sooner or later I decide to take a look at the streets.  Imagine a drift down the middle that's about 18 inches...no doubt three young girls wanted to hit the home store by me and instead of taking the cleared main streets decided they would take a shortcut, which got them stuck about 50 feet into their journey.  I rallied the other two and we brought our shovels.  After a lot of team work from neighbors and the school caretaker in his little John Deere with shovel attached to the front, we finally managed to get them out.  We'd been out for three hours.  Time. To. Go. Home.

Not so fast.  Someone else needs help and as we start to dig them out, a guy comes up and asks if we need an extra shovel.  Yes!  His name is Aaron a 20-something who lives up the street.  Nice guy and a huge help.  Seems Boys One and Two took a shine to the kid and they were already talking about getting together to hang out and do some weed.  Naturally!

It's amazing how we forget everyday that we, as people, are more alike than we are different.  It's only in times like these, or tragedy - when we share an instant common bond - that we actually reach out to help one another.  I wonder how many of us bother to check on our neighbors at times like this?

We walk back to our house and if shoveling isn't exercise, walking through the snow alone will get the heart pumping.  Chicago is flat but at this moment it has its own set of hills and valleys.  Almost like hiking in sand.  The kind of sand that fails to support your weight and often surprises you as a foot sinks, sometimes two feet, to the bottom - a combination of walking through shallow water and walking up a midget-sized "quick" sand dune over and over again.  It's quite the workout. The exhaustion hits me and I skip the invitation from Boys One and Two to come in for cider with brandy, although incredibly tempting.  Once inside I peel off my wet clothes pulled on the warmest, thickest flannel pants ever made, two shirts and a sweater, wool socks and snuggle under my down comforter in front of the TV for a DVR marathon.  I didn't even have the energy for a hot bath, which I should have taken to relief the muscle pain I would feel the next day.  I was so exhausted I fell asleep.

When I woke up this morning, it was if my body aged by 40 years.  The back, butt and shoulders we sore.  It's as if someone had placed thick, tight rubber bands throughout my torso to keep me from twisting and bending.  It took a good 10 minutes to even get out of my very warm bed.  Once vertical I tried to do some stretching to loosen things up.  No luck.  Into the hot shower.  It was helpful but I could still feel the tightness as I stand, balanced on one foot to pull on my faux Uggs.  I do this all of the time and I couldn't seem to get any muscle to work.  I try again and finally give up, moving to the chair to sit.  Even then pulling my leg up and into my chest was an impossible feat.

Despite the feeling that I'd rather go back to my cozy bed on this barely 5 degree morning, I was quite excited.  You're thinking "date night" but that isn't actually it. Today, I interviewed interns to help with some of my business tasks that simply just take too much time.  I'd like to grow and focus on cultivating new business, but there's just too much on my plate.  If you can't afford to hire someone then grow your business on the backs of interns.  Two of three are going to be great and I'm excited for them to start next week.  The third, while working on a masters degree, doesn't have any experience in my particular field of marketing, and, unfortunately, I just don't have the time to teach her.  I want people with some experience who want to grow that experience.  While helping me, I can help them develop the skills they need to prepare them for a paying job, to help them stand out - but secretly I really hope they all stay for the rest of their lives.  Hey, if they help me grow my business then I just might be able to pay them.  

As far as tonight with Steven goes, the self-sabotage has started.  I've already named every reason why it won't work out with him.  Being aware is the first step to changing the behavior, and I am....trying.  I'm just plain scared.  It's ironic, really, because this is something I really want in my life. In fear, I put the brakes on.  I'm kind of like a guy who needs to step back, internalize things and then revisit the problem with a solution.

When I think about moving forward with him I get a knot in my stomach that requires a few glasses of wine.  Is it self-sabotage or my intuition speaking?  I can't tell.  I start questioning whether I will hurt him in the end, but then I remember that love is a gamble.  There's a real chance that someone can and will always get hurt.  I really don't want to rush into anything with him and I've begun to pull away a small bit.  I wait longer to respond to his text messages and I'm keeping myself very focused on me and the business. Cuz let's face it, once he finds out my reality he may just change his perception of me and walk away.  Any man might.  So, I need to stay focused on improving my reality and it starts with me.

I suppose it doesn't help that the dating service called and wants me to come in next Tuesday before setting me up with someone.  The curiosity...I know!  Shut up! It's hard when this has been you're love life for 10 years.  Someone is always coming and going and I'm always forced to look ahead to something else.

Kisses aren't contracts.  Kisses aren't contracts.....Let go of the guilt, E!

Details tomorrow....stay warm, everybody!

xoxo

Life is Funny - No Lemons, Then Lots of Lemonade

So, I've been a stranger.  Guilty.

It's interesting how things unfold in life.  You make one decision and then everything explodes in another direction.  Don't get me wrong.  My aim is still to move back to Kansas City to be closer to family, but as I look back on the last month, or so, I'm beginning to realize that it wasn't as much about making the decision to move, it was more about the decision to let go of my business.  To say "I'm not a failure.  I gave it 10 years and now it's time to move on; to better provide for myself."  To let it go and be okay with it.

Since that time, my outlook has been different.  Before I would say "I won't give up my business until I've tried everything."  While I haven't done everything, I am still moving forward with it because, let's face it, it's a job and I am making money.  The whole process of letting go has presented new opportunities. Opportunities that mean business and more money coming through my door.  Although my business is one of short-term agreements and contracts with small businesses, I still have to be flexible, but in the last month...."let the flood gates open!"

Seriously, I felt like there were no lemonades to squeeze, and now....life is truly funny and always interesting.  You have to stay alert because it will always through you for a loop!

I'm not saying I'm making TONS of money, but I'm growing steadily, and surely at a rate I can handle.  And yes, some clients have morphed or we've finished what we can do for them, but that just leaves room for more things to happen.  I'm definitely not saying that everything is going to be A-Ok from here on out.  I'm not saying that I won't leave it all behind and take a job - if the right one comes along - but what I am saying is that I'm happy for the moment.  My responsibilities still weigh heavy on my mind and sometimes keep me from sleeping at night, but I have faith.  I just know that it will be okay and whatever is to be will be.

In the meantime, more and more ideas come to me to grow my business and to really separate myself out.  One, is the generous help of Brother-in-law1 who is generously redesigning my website, and it's going to be awesome!  I'm completely grateful for the renewed energy he's pumped through my veins.  I was stuck in a rut.  A deep rut, and I feel like I'm sort of coming out of it.  There's a new business model and if I have to build myself, for the time being, on the backs of interns for credit, then I will and they'll be grateful to have the experience.  I know what my number one goal is right now and there's only one way to accomplish it - with super hard work (even more than I've committed in the past...not possible?  It is!)

So now, I'm happy to announce we've started working with one client, preparing to downsize another and have several new opportunities on the horizon, just waiting to be tackled.

With that, I must run and get back to the daily grind which I am now lovingly referring to as the daily WIND!  It winds me up and I'm excited!  I have been in business for 10 years.  Most would have given up years ago.  Not me.  Too stubborn!  Now, I am preparing to do a celebration at a networking benefit I created (couldn't think of a better way to celebrate than to give back?) and this rockin' new website...For the event, we have a liqueur sponsor and a pastry magician who is providing treats...It's going to be fun!  Who wouldn't be able to get excited about that? 

Here's a tip - for those of you interested a friend has a new fab blog about her first pregnancy.  Follow her!!


Pregnancy Stumble

xoxo

For SALE

Yesterday I played hooky.  I mean I really blew the day off.  After a meeting at a friend's in the morning, I just stayed.  We ran errands, baby sat the cutest little boy and went to the BIG private school here to see her kids' holiday program.  This school is the kind of school that costs about as much a year to send one child as I make in a year.  They are, however, very good friends, down to Earth and I love them.  And, they're Irish.

The Irish are a tight knit group of people, especially in Chicago.  All of them immigrants, they made their millions in construction and development.  Some of them with barely a third grade education.  But they are the warmest people.  Friday night dinners are something I always look forward to.  Anyone and everyone is invited to come for dinner and drink, and boy can they drink!!  Finally, after being gone for 12 hours and feeling guilty for leaving Meow Mix, another friend dropped me off on her way home.  Guess what I saw in the window of the first floor apartment:

Yep....I mean I know they're terrible landlords and pretty much neglect the place, but I'd think they'd at least tell us. The best part is...they're Irish and I have spread the word to my Irish friends.  

Not sure how long it will take for it to sell but I'm betting the new buyer will probably tear it down and build some lush million-dollar single family home.  Just hope it doesn't happen before I head out....I've got a business plan in mind just have to get it all in place.  

I know, I'm not forgetting about a job, but I am moving to a market 1/10th the size of Chicago, and while there might be 20 jobs I'd apply for here, there are only three in Kansas City.  :(  So, at least I'm working, picking up clients and things look good.  Really good. I'd rather be doing this and making some money then sitting around looking for a job....ya know?  

God is speaking. Everything is in play, it seems, for me to definitely proceed with my plan.

xoxo

Which Direction Did You Say To Go?

The last few months I've really been questioning where I'm going and what I'm doing.  For real?  Is that what you just said?  Yeah, fer real! And you thought I had it all figured out.  Me TOO!  Psych!

Yes, the decision to move is still a good one but the real question, the thing that has left me in limbo is whether to get a job or not.  Seems that since all this crazy shit went down that things have really been turning around and now I have all this opportunity in front of me.  I feel like Job.  You know, the guy who lost everything, faced every challenge and tragedy, remained faithful and was rewarded 10-fold?  Yeah, that guy.  That's who I felt like and who I still feel like.  It's crazy!

I was really, really leaning to taking a secure job and almost even more so when I FINALLY did that interview.  Interesting and easy really.  I suppose I'm so used to selling myself on a constant basis to clients that the job interview process seems like a breeze.  Let me tell you that all in all, if I were to take a job, this one is the BOMB!  We're talking relo, great salary, bennies and flex work (read: ability to work from home).  I thought it went really well but know they're talking to seven of us.  I have yet to hear from them about moving further into the process.  If I did they'd want to fill the position by end of December.  Needless to say, lots to think about.  But then....


This week I've had two new business proposals to do - one still to finish - and now I'm teaching my first 3-hr workshop to small business owners, who, I might add, are paying a whopping $60 bucks to attend.  Here's where it get's funny, or a little scary....a local reporter saw the class online and decided to do a story that would include me.  Yeah, wait...it gets better.  She's not just writing a story, but apparently producing one for a syndicated TV program that airs in 100 markets across the country.  Holy SHIT!  LOL  Fer real!  And those clients I'm pitching new business to aren't talking to anyone else.  Two I've worked with before and one saw that I was teaching this workshop, called the organization for my information and then called me.  Now that's the kind of competition I like.  None!

So, if I'm supposed to be listening to the Big Guy I would say that he's telling me everything I need to know, right?  All I can say that I've been so busy as of late (two pro bono clients suddenly just took off, along with loads of fun things happening for paying clients) that I haven't even had time to look for jobs.  I'm sure it will all settle down soon, but I keep wondering....if all of this is happening it must be for a reason, and if I move forward in the interview process for this position and get offered the job how do I know what decision to make?  Fuck!  Hate this.  Then again...there I go making mountains out of mole hills.  I have no idea if I'll move forward in the process, so until then I keep doing what I'm doing and controlling what I can control.  That's all any of us can do, right?

Time will tell and I have faith that it will all be laid out for me in due time.  

Man, I need a vacation!  I'm really looking forward to seeing my family next week (I'm sure I'll blog about that craziness), get some rest and a major change of scenery.  In the meantime, you should know that my Christmas is TOTALLY DONE!  Well, okay, with the minor exception of my nephew...but I'm loving it!!  It's cut my stress, and drinking, by more than half, I'm sure.  Thanks to all of you for your awesome ideas for inexpensive and creative gifts.  You totally rock! 

xoxo

The White Dress Lifted the Fog

It's amazing how the right dress can put you in the mood to feel beautiful and successful.

It's been awhile since I've had a real business meeting, and today was one of those days.  Seriously, why do you think I needed to get pretty on Sunday?  It's been awhile.  I work from home - currently in army green shorts and my orange UT shirt (my BFF, Dawn*, and I had a, well, memorable trip to Austin...Bugtussle!).

It was fucking hot and muggy here!  The kind of day when you walk out of the house and wonder why you even bothered showering.  The right clothing is crucial in this weather. So, today I braved wearing my favorite white linen, brocade, sleeveless roped empire waist, white dress with black slings with white flower on the toe to a new business meeting with two new male clients.  I say braved because I'm one of those people who wears something white and even though I'm nowhere near an Italizn restaurant, somehow I still end up getting something bright red dribbled down the front.  This is the same with white shirts, skirts, pants and shorts.  I can be standing, not touching anything and will still get a mark or stain the size of Texas on my white clothes.

I guess you could say I needed a little, for lack of a better reference, Sex & The City mojo today.  After all, I'm in my mid-30's, I'm not dead, fairly attractive and nothing says confident, successful business woman like a great outfit. It worked!  It totally lifted me out of my fog.

It's times like this when I love walking around the busseling streets of downtown Chicago.  In fact, I was right down by the set of Transformers.  Interesting to see how they do what they do to make a city looked demolished. 

So, it's interesting, however, that I've discovered over the years that there's real psychology behind the way you dress.  For instance, with woman, depending on the business, I either dress nice casual or pump up the accessories with an all black or blue outfit.  With men, I typically wear pants and heels, always.  It sort of says "don't think of me as a fragile woman, but one of the guys".  Yes, I did wear a dress (I said it was hot and gross here), but the right dress can say exactly what you need it to in any occasion.  It's all in how accessorize.

Yes, I've officially won the business (the second in a month), and, more importantly, I'm not worrying about whether more business will come or not.  I'm just open to receiving everything that is meant to be given me.  Ten points for Epiphany! It's pretty freeing.  The dress too...from the stifling humidity.

Mean People SUCK

Mean people suck, fffooorrr shizzle!  They make me crazy.  Stressed out.  My stomach goes into knots.  My shoulder and neck tighten.  I start to panic and immediately want to swim in a bottle of Shiraz.  Even now at 10 a.m....Aaarrrgghhh!

It's even worse when they're your client, and let me tell you I've had some real doozies over the years - from the guy I got more than six million TV impressions one day to being fired the next (of course I haven't seen anything on them since), to a franchise group where the good old boys just didn't like me cuz I am a chica (again, never seen anything on them since).   

This one comes way of a partnership that came to me to help with a book they wrote.  I could tell right off the bat one of the women was going to be trouble.  Snippy in conference calls, snippy on email.

Now, sometimes, I understand this behavior.  I find that people may not fully understand what I do, the process and how it all works.  I get that.  But it's their insecurity about it that turns them into crazy, five-headed monsters whirling their tongues all around making hissing noises.  With men, I just have to be a bit bitchy and tell them how it is and they completely respect me, but women.  They're different.  You know that saying how women are so hard on one another?  Well, it definitely rings true in this situation, and I think for Ms. McSnippy Pants its personal insecurity, competition, and the desire to have power over people.  This woman is truly a piece of work, riding me, asking questions....you know what BITCH?  You're only paying to work 10 hours a month for you so KISS IT!  Want to pay me $50,000 for the project?  I'll gladly bend over.  But you don't, so I won't.

I was really starting to wonder where the other partner fell in all of this until I get an email requesting a phone conversation.  "Great!" I think.  "I'm already losing business before it's started."  So Ms. Fabulous, potential-client-of-the-year, fills me in on all the details and, yep, I'm not the only one who can't stand Ms. McSnippy Pants.  Turns out that Snippy might not be as successful as she claims and Fab is the one who actually wrote the book and did all the work while Snippy was just going to cash in.  

Awesome!  Wish we could all skate through life like that.  Must be nice to have everyone else do your work for you!  

Fab then announces that she's leaving the partnership because she refuses to be treated this way any more.  Can't blame her.  It's not like I've really enjoyed it.  Then she forwards me McSnippy-turned-SuperBitch's email response where she has the gumption to attack me!  Whatever crazy-town-USA.  It seemed to me that her response was purely defensive.  As if she knows that she's been total crap, is mad at herself, but instead of changing that behavior she just projectile vomits her projection of emotions onto others.  You know, that irritates.  Take care of your own shit.  Others are not responsible or to blame.

So where does that leave me?  Well, we're still moving forward and hoping my mad skills can prove their worth in the next few weeks.  Now the duo are going to be paying me separately which means, yep, you guessed correctly, Bitchy McSnippy isn't ever going to pay me SHIT!  Again, awesome.

How do these people find me?  My business is my baby.  I love my logo (and other things. Shutup!), but do I want to deal with this shit anymore?  I think this is one of the things that I'm most tired of.  It's just wearing me down....some people suck and ruin it for everyone.

No Promises

This morning I had breakfast with The Mayor. Everyone loves The Mayor and I'm fortunate to say that he is a very good friend. Now, it's typically difficult to get the man, with ADDHDDADDH, to sit down and really talk and discuss business, etc. but this morning we did so over buckwheat pancakes with sugar free syrup and coffee. Yum!

I've known The Mayor for a long time and he's a go-to-man for many key influential people in Chicago, and one of few who really know my twisted, sarcastic sense of humor. We're kind of like Abbott & Costello. Essentially, we crack the shit out of one another - which is easy since he's always opening the door for me to say something sarcastic. Moreover, he's an accomplished and highly intelligent man. Now before you start thinking....there is no romantic interest here. He's older than I by...a few, uhm, years. He's like....an uncle and I've told him most everything about my life and I know much of his. Like I said, he's a good friend and drinking buddy.

The one thing about The Mayor is that sometimes when you sit and talk to him you feel like you might be in Hollywood. He's the kind of guy who's always saying "I'm going to bring you business", "I want you to be in this film", "I'm going to get you on TV" - you know, the "baby, I'm going to make you a star!"

I've learned over the years, in business, to never believe anything a lot of people say until the opportunity is staring you in the face, and he knows this. I've stopped falling for fast talking salespeople. It's not that I don't think they actually believe what they're saying, it's just that my experience has led me to believe that unless you have pen in hand about to sign a contract that it's just an idea; a figment of someone's hopeful star-filled imagination.

So, you see why I'm not one to get my hopes up anymore, because they always seem to get dashed, or rather destroyed when the shit hits the fan and the reality becomes...they were just big talkers. I've heard many of these phrases a lot over the years from him, and others, and we have done a couple of projects together - one I did pro bono as a benefit event. However, I kind of keep everything else in the back of my mind as a "we'll see".

Now, I really truly believe that his intentions are pure, he has few close friends like me and I'm confident he wouldn't lie, but his ADDHDDADDH can get in the way of things being accomplished. If it did happen, it could be five years from now. Still, there's no doubt in my mind that maybe these things will become reality. Until then, I keep on keepin on through the doors that are opening up to me.

Yet, I can't deny that I'm tempted on the several opportunities he presented today. One of them, in fact, I believe is his way of helping me do the number one thing I love. Music. Who wouldn't be. In today's world, a lot of people find self-worth in their 15-minutes of fame (aka reality show obsession). It's sexy and sounds great, but do I really want that? Just because you might achieve it doesn't mean it is who you are. Sadly, many let it define them and their self-worth. Not for me. (I have a lot of thoughts on this...)

For now, it's out in the universe and we'll see what it draws to both of us. I want to see him be wildly successful and happy as much as myself. My job as a friend is to help promote his business and ideas. We'll see....

Hamster on a Wheel

Do you have those mornings when you get up and don't want to go to work? I've been having those a lot lately.

I know that I'm good at what I do, but I just don't think I love it anymore. The marketing industry has changed so much with the Internet and social media. It's different in good ways and others bad. It's not the same as how it was when I fell in love with my career. I feel the entire face of my industry has changed and while some of it is fun, most of it isn't. Most of the time I feel like a hamster on a wheel.

Since I started my own business it's always been an ebb and flow - work comes and goes. Every morning I swing my legs out of bed and jump off a cliff. There are no guarantees. It's stressful. You have to pay extra for taxes and health insurance....don't even get me started. At the end of the day I pay more out than I have to live on. It's depressing. Then again, most people don't do what I've done as a single or without a trust fund or family to invest. This has been all me and I'm tired of fighting alone.

I've always enjoyed working for myself, managing my time and having more freedom - although I can work seven days a week. One can say I like being the boss. There is a certain amount of control there. That I can control my career rather than have it decided by a potential pink slip - that is the reason I went out on my own in the first place, I was tired of the pink slip. Mostly, I enjoy the management and decided a few weeks ago that, until I figure out my next steps in life, I have to continue what I'm doing and change the structure of my business. That means outsourcing, which means I'll make less, but at least I know someone who enjoys certain elements of this work will get it done with joy and excellence. I can't say I have either of those at the moment. One thing at a time....

Now, I want to do anything but work. I'd rather watch Oprah, movies on Lifetime, write. In fact, this blog is the one thing I can't wait to get up and do each day.

I think it's mostly the doubt, the not knowing which direction my life is going. I still have tremendous faith that I will be led in the right direction, but it's hard. I've always believed that if you're doing what you're meant to then it comes easy. Life comes easy. It's not easy right now. I feel overwhelmed by it all and that makes me want to escape, rollerblading and sitting lakeside every day, all day (suppose, to meet my physical health goals, this is a good thing).

I always wanted to join the ranks of those who run, but with terrible knees running is literally pounding the pavement, and my joints, to shreds. Rollerblading is awesome cardio and, in the city, a mode of transportation. The best part is that I can take a break, sit along the lake watching the sailboats, or lay on my back listening to the sound of waves and watching the clouds pass by. I want to enjoy my career as much as I enjoy this.

Diane* and I have yet to discuss the next tasks regarding my Top 10 Things That Make Me Happy list. She used this same approach to find her new path in life and her guidance is priceless to me. I'm hoping that it will help sort out the plethora of thoughts in my head, calm me and give me the strength to take one more risk. In the meantime, I have to let go of how I think everyone else around me will feel about the decisions I make for my life and make them for me.