Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The Duldrums

Depression is an interesting thing.  Especially for someone like me. 

Normally I am an action person, on the go, getting things done....but lately that just hasn't been the case.  More mornings than not I wake up at the bottom of a wine bottle and have little to no energy, or even desire or motivation, to do anything the next day but lay on the couch. 

I have been here before....I went off the deep end and engaged on a lie of an online relationship with a supposedly hot guy, but now I am more certain than ever that he was some fat pig with a laptop of lies. 

It all started when my best friend was getting married.  I wanted it, but I got over it.  Then recently she gave birth to her second child, and while I am SUPER happy for her, again, I felt "I want that".  Now, it's not unusual to have a sense of jealousy over wanting what someone else has in life, but it's important to note that it's not that I want exactly what she has.  I know that one day I will find my own version of what she has; it will be customized and special to me.  However, the sadness still lingers of T.H. - yes, I know I have not yet revealed the end of that story but I will. 

Sometimes I find myself crying uncontrollably.  Lately, I can cry all night, wake up with swollen eyes, have a thought and start crying again.  This is when I am really glad that I realize what is happening and I force myself to do things to pull myself out of it.  First up, A SHOWER!  Seriously!  You laugh, but there was a weekend when I had nothing to do.  Really, I had cleaned the house and had no one to call and ask to go sit on a patio for a cocktail.  I. Was. Down.  It was so bad that I got up and re-arranged things only to move them back.  That is bad. 

Second, exercise.  I recently got new rollerblades which have requited a lot of love....patience....and help from the adorable 20-year old at Sports Authority who was super helpful, and nice to look at!  After a night of drinking at home....alone....again....I woke up early the next morning with the best intentions.  I put my blades on and started on my way only to have some problems.  Eventually, I realized that I put the wheels on wrong after changing the barrings.  BLONDIE!  So I headed back home, took a nap and then went on a seven mile walk.  Let me tell you how hard it was to pull myself out of bed to take this walk. 

Even most days, I feel like I just want to stay in bed and that is not my period talking. 

Today, I saw something that changed it.  A gf of mine posted it on her Facebook and it reminded me of a time when I actually did do this and I have never been that person again.  It moved me and I immediately felt my energy level jump.  I got out, ran errands, walked most places, bought baskets and re-organized under my sink (aaaahhhhh!) and now blogging.  It's all about keeping yourself busy and not giving in to the sadness.  It's not worth it.  There is no surprise why he's called T.H.


1 comment:

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

First of all, I'm SO excited that you are blogging again! When you first disappeared I tried finding you on twitter or via email but I didn't yours.

I've had moments like this where it's hard to get out of bed but you just have to keep moving forward!! Hang in there!

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