Thursday, July 22, 2010

Shadows of Ghosts

Last night I went to see the B52's at Ravinia on the North Shore of Chicago. It was Gay BF's office party and a total blast.  I was confused how many people came and then left before the concert even began.  What, like you have to work today?  We stayed until the end and it was a late, late night, which is why I'm pounding a Red Bull this morning (yawn).

Ravinia is one of those places where you can either buy seats or sit on the lawn.  We were on the lawn and his company had a mad spread of food and wine and beer.  Naturally, I immediately parked myself in front of the gal serving wine.  It's really a beautiful place, and a romantic one, at that.

Somewhere I've forgotten about love and how to have it.  As I people stalked, I saw couples everywhere talking, laughing, kissing, love.  It kind of sucked.  The loneliness must be setting in.  I so want what they're sharing, but for some reason it alludes me.  Whether its my past, which includes a pyscho ex, the screwed up fact that I thought men had no emotions because I never had a role model in my father or that I'm afraid of settling for an unhappy marriage like someone I love dearly.  Whatever it is, I look around me and people are achieving love daily, except me.  I just meet flirts who ask me out and after figuring out I'm not going to sleep with them decide never to call again; or they cheat and lie.  Seriously?

This morning when I was working myself out of my groggy state, cursing myself for being so disciplined to actually get up and work, I thought about this all again.  I feel like I am now one of those single 30-somethings that people look at and feel sorry for.  I do see it in their eyes and I hate it.

To make matters worse, I have a reunion coming up next year.  I am hoping to have my status, and life, change by then, but I'm losing faith that it will. I may just be alone, struggling for the rest of my life and that makes me sad.  I don't want to go through life alone.  I want a companion to share life with, to laugh, argue and have rough times that result in reaffirming love.  Or, I suppose I can just stick to one of two plans, one of which is to end everything here, pick up and move far away, start over with something new and accept that I will be alone. (Btw - the itch to quite, move and start over is pretty palpable, but I'd like a door or two to open before just doing it)

Now, I'm very well aware that I'm not actually alone.  I have amazing friends, family and some super cool new blogger friends who j'adore!  However, there's a whole in my heart that those relationships can't fulfill (yes, male parts in all of the beauty are quite essential as well).  I'm tired of searching, waiting, wanting and wondering why this was the path chosen for me.

Maybe...maybe I should just be a big 'ol hooker and get it on with all the flirts I encounter and say "to HELL with it!"

In an eerie way, I feel that I am living the life of a great aunt who never married, really never wanted a companion and died alone in her 60's before I was born.  My grandmother used to mistake me for her when I'd sing or because I was fashionable like her.  She actually called me Helen* all the time.  When her dementia kicked in that's all she called me.  It's as if she believed Helen was reincarnated in me, and I've lived with that ghost for my entire life.  Where once I believed it to be a compliment, may now actually be a curse - it's funny the tricks our minds play on us. 

But is it possible?  Am I really destined to follow her same path?  Am I living (or reliving)  in the shadow of this ghost or can I still reclaim my life and get what I want without settling?


SilverNeurotic said...

There's nothing like being flung into a couple happy situation to reevaluate your single status. It's never fun, though, sometimes it's nice to get a reminder of the good parts of having a significant other when it's easy to focus on why you are single.

Epiphany said...

You couldn't be more right!

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