Dear Douche Bag at Dominick's:
There are rules to using a revolving door. You're either stupid, have no understanding of personal space, just moved here and in need of an education or your parents (with obvious good reason) dropped you off in the wilderness to be raised by a pack of wolves and I happened (oh, my good fortune) to be the first woman you've ever come in contact with. Whatever your reason for being a douche bag, I'm here to help - be grateful.
In Chicago revolving doors are purposed to keep the bitter cold wind of winter and hot, muggy air of summer from getting into the building, thereby increasing the amount of heat and air conditioning produced to keep said building at a reasonable temperature. Thus, obviously, helps these buildings keep the debt they owe to money-hungry thieves, like ComEd and Peoples Gas, to a minimal amount of a few thousand dollars a month from tens of thousands.
More importantly, there is, believe it or not, revolving door etiquette, which you clearly need to understand.
- Under NO circumstances does one EVER walk into the same revolving stall as another person, especially a stranger, unless you are a parent with a child, really good friends, are sleeping together, patting your friend with bennies on the butt on your way to get sustenance after a mad sex marathon, married, or have pet names for one another, like boyfriend/girlfriend, babe, sweetheart and my personal favorite pookie (fine, color me jealous).
- If you should be so blinded by
myone's beauty that you happen to stumble into the same stall you never EVER touch the other person. EVER!