Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Dear Douche Bag at the Grocery Store

The white dress had more of an impact than just helping me walk into that meeting and kick some ass.  It also, apparently, caused the breakage of one of the cardinal rules of civility.  This one's for you: 

Dear Douche Bag at Dominick's:

There are rules to using a revolving door.  You're either stupid, have no understanding of personal space, just moved here and in need of an education or your parents (with obvious good reason) dropped you off in the wilderness to be raised by a pack of wolves and I happened (oh, my good fortune) to be the first woman you've ever come in contact with.  Whatever your reason for being a douche bag, I'm here to help - be grateful.

In Chicago revolving doors are purposed to keep the bitter cold wind of winter and hot, muggy air of summer from getting into the building, thereby increasing the amount of heat and air conditioning produced to keep said building at a reasonable temperature.  Thus, obviously, helps these buildings keep the debt they owe to money-hungry thieves, like ComEd and Peoples Gas, to a minimal amount of a few thousand dollars a month from tens of thousands. 

More importantly, there is, believe it or not, revolving door etiquette, which you clearly need to understand.

  1. Under NO circumstances does one EVER walk into the same revolving stall as another person, especially a stranger, unless you are a parent with a child, really good friends, are sleeping together, patting your friend with bennies on the butt on your way to get sustenance after a mad sex marathon, married, or have pet names for one another, like boyfriend/girlfriend, babe, sweetheart and my personal favorite pookie (fine, color me jealous).
  2. If you should be so blinded by my one's beauty that you happen to stumble into the same stall you never EVER touch the other person.  EVER!  
If breaking this valuable revolving door etiquette is part of your dating M.O., then I doubt you get laid very often because not only did you break the above rules, you smelled! And, you had the gumption to ask for my number just moments later in the produce section.  For real?  Your apology means nothing after your poor-excuse-for-flirting-behavior. 

If learning and appreciating these TWO-RULES, or, God forbid, simply understanding the rules of human civility, are too much for you, then you clearly need to stop going to my grocery store.  Go torture someone else.  Furthermore, if you want to hit on a woman at the store, follow the lead of others.  SHOWER beforehand and go to the egg section and ask "why does one check the eggs before putting them in your basket?"  You may come off looking ignorant or slightly dumb, but we might just see it as endearing.


Crazy Shenanigans said...

Oh that would be totally creepy to have a stranger go in one of those with yourself. Ugh!

Cortney Lyon said...

I knew I wanted to follow your blog when the first thing I read was 'Dea Douche Bag at the Grocery Store'! Loved it.

I'm going to explore your blog some more now, I just wanted to stop and say hello first, it's only proper right?

Constar said...

HAHAHAHAAHA i agree entirely!!! i worked in the city last summer and someone did the same thing.. that revolving door goes quick but when a random is in there with you it takes forever to get inside! lol gotta hate those creepers

Epiphany said...

Crazy and Constar - it's totally creepy. What should take a millisecond seems like eternity when you're trapped with a sweaty gross stranger in a revolving door!

Cortney - welcome and looking forward to getting to know you as well!

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