Pittsburgh

It was really nice to have me time during the week to prepare for Pittsburgh.  Not to mention I had other work I really needed to zero in on and accomplish without distraction (aka Steven).  Boy one kiss and I want to rip his clothes off.  How. Does. He. Do. That?  And that's exactly what I did.  I got a lot of shit done.

Over the last couple of weeks I've been bringing on interns to help out with stuff like social media and event planning, and still looking for one who can come in during the week for pitching.  It's a super big help and takes some weight off my mind.  I'm the kind of person who loves to be busy, but then, when there's so much I become paralyzed.  I don't know where to start.  At that point I give up and walk away until I get a game plan together.  It's really weird and I'm highly aware of that fact.  In some ways, I'm getting everything I want but the fear gets me.  Who is afraid of success?  E....it's crazy!  

The other good thing about having my time is that I can do all of my secret girly stuff - olive oil treatment for my hair, getting my hair cut and highlighted, painting toe nails and of course, taking care of Aunt Flo for her monthly visit.  She decided to show up Wednesday night.  Great!  I'm going to be cramping and lightheaded for my trip which means I will not be showing up to this pitch at 100%.  More like 75%, if I'm lucky.  

I will admit I was a bit nervous for this trip, but talking with Steven on the phone for 2.5 hours Wednesday night helped me forget about it.  I am a big fan of being able to talk on the phone and feel it's important for couples to be able to express themselves in person, by letter/email or via phone.  For me, I suppose it's all those times I watched couples I admire be far apart for long periods of time due to work or family emergency.  They were forced to have a relationship by phone.  So, if a guy doesn't want to talk on the phone....well, we either have to work on it or not.  It's like hugs.  Hugs can be so incredibly intimate and yet most men are like fuck the hug.  Take off your dress.  Steven is a tremendous hugger!

Thursday arrives and my morning call was rescheduled, so I literally had the whole morning to get my shit together, but.....because of Aunt Flo I was moving slow and in a haze.  Before I knew it I was running late.  Can't take the train.  Now have to catch a $30 cab.  GREAT!  I'm bleeding money.

Once in Pittsburgh, my colleague and I rented a car.  We got in late so it was night time there.  However, there was just enough snow on the ground to reflect what little light there was from cars on the highway to allow me to get a glimpse of the terrain.  Huge bluffs everywhere.  It wasn't long before we came up on the edge of town and I could see how this city had built itself into these bluffs.  It was quite lovely.

Every time I go somewhere new I always wonder what I would be like today if I had grown up and lived in that place.  My colleague is a wealth of knowledge, or as he says "an intellectual trash can," and so he gave me some insight to my query.  Apparently Pittsburgh has it's own language called Pittsburghese.  Honestly, they have their own dialect and language that is specific to the area.  For instance, they don't say Steelers, it's pronounced "Stillers".

I quickly learned that even though I've grown a hard shell living in a big city it might be much thicker should I have grown up in Pittsburgh.  "You may know how to handle yourself in the city but you're still a Midwestern girl with heart," said my colleague.  And he's right.  Just then "You're in for a real treat, E."  Oh goodie!  I love a treat! And with that we entered the Pitt Tunnel. As we exited a mile or so later my breath caught.  My eyes were lit up with what seemed to be a hidden city tucked in among the Allegheny Mountains.  The bridge was beautiful and artistic, the lights of the city were everywhere.  They danced and reflected off the snow and river below.  It was indeed a treat and a mental picture I won't soon forget.

We got to the "hotel", or as I say the stinkiest Quality Inn I've ever been in, located in the university area - I had no idea that Carnegie Mellon and Pittsburgh were literally across the street from one another - and I dropped off my luggage while we waited for my colleague's 79-yr old sister to come pick us up.  She was a real treat.  A firecracker who gives 79 a good name.  She's independent, outliving two husbands, and has a quick wit.  I loved her.  At first I was worried that I "Pricelined" my hotel too far away from downtown (only about 2.5 miles away) but she told us later that downtown shuts down around 6:00p.m.  So my hotel was perfect.  She took us to a little place in the heart of it all on a cute street that was so steep I thought the car would tumble backwards from gravity.  But it didn't.  A couple of martinis and a burger and I was out for the night.

I didn't sleep all that great so the next morning was a struggle.  I managed to iron my clothes the night before, which was wise because I was moving slow....again.  Finally downstairs and into the Panera, located just under the hotel, a bagel and some Earl Grey tea and we were off.  I wasn't that nervous, but I was feeling a bit on edge.  Thankfully I had done my research on the players in the room.  While my colleague went to the bathroom and got some coffee, I walked in to the conference room and introduced myself.  Immediately, I noted the man from Oklahoma City and mentioned I grew up in Kansas.  Turns out that he went to K-State and Hutchinson Community College and had even lived in my hometown.  That really broke the ice and others joined in the conversation until my colleague arrived and we got started.

All in all, I feel the pitch went well.  I knew that we were in the lead going in but I didn't realize just how much they favored our direction until the Q&A began.  It was more like a planning meeting about moving forward than part of the pitch.  We shall see.  I don't want to get my hopes up but I am hopeful we'll get it.  It would be my largest client and bring in some money to help pay down my debts.  However, I have to keep thinking that if I don't get it, I will still be okay.  Everything has been changing in my life lately and it all started with opening myself up to Steven.

Over the years, I lived in my past.  I've had regrets for breaking hearts and such.  Mostly for breaking one heart for a guy who would end up abusing me.  It's as if I felt I didn't deserve God's blessings and so I blocked myself from receiving.  No more!  I am open and ready.....finally.....

xoxo

Super Bowl "Party"

I was excited to meet Steven's friends at the Super Bowl "Party".  I put it in quotes because it wasn't really a party, more like some friends getting together at a bar.  Nonetheless, he wanted to introduce me to his friends.  That is a step in the right direction.

Dressing to meet someone's friends, especially when you know a lot of them are women, is tough.  We women are so critical of one another and I truly believe that on most occasions we actually dress for other women.  Ourselves, but for other women.  Women are the one's who will compliment you on how you "cute" you look or give a "I LOVE those shoes, where did you get them."  There's no better compliment.  Some guys can say it, like my gay boys, but straight boys just think you look hot and that's it.  Yeah, that always makes you feel good, but there's something about a compliment from another woman.  It's almost like jealousy!  LOL  I went for cute casual, pairing jeans with a winter white sweater with a zipper on the neck to the shoulder blade and brown boots, and decided it didn't really matter.  They're either going to like me or not.

Steven came to pick me up and we were off.  I've noticed that when I'm with him I just let go, meaning I don't ask where we're going, what we're doing or try to control his driving with directions.  I trust him and just go with the flow.  We ended up at a bar in Old Town I've never been too and proceed to get a seat.  I don't ask about his friends, but soon realize it's only a couple of us and the one woman can't come.  Soon, it's me and one of his guy friends.

This guy is interesting, I would learn.  He moved here and his gf introduced him to Steven, who took him under his wing and showed him the city.  He and I quickly have several things to talk about and decided to trade business cards. Overtime, I begin to notice that every time he and I start talking, Steven would slowly reach out to put his hand on my knee.  I really like that he's so affectionate, it's something I really need in a relationship.  Call it reassurance but I like to know my man is into me, even in public.  But this was a little different.  When I looked at his face there was an intent there as he gently touched me but his face was hard as he looked straight ahead at the TV screen.  It was serious and I believe I got a glimpse of what he would be like on the job in an urgent situation.  It was like there was some competition there....for me.  Geesh, he should just lift his leg an pee on me.  That would show the other dogs who belongs to who. We all decide to root for Green Bay, and good thing we did.

Sitting in front of us were just the kind of douche bag guys I would normally be attracted to - good looking, really fit, dressed well....HOT!  I watched them but secretly liked that I didn't have to worry about trying to catch their attention.  These are the guys I would typically date who just want you to look good and be good in bed.  They don't want to talk.  They don't want to know you, because they don't know themselves.  They're so busy trying to be cool that they only see the world in one way - they're way. Or I should say that they're living life the way they think others think they should be living life - cool, getting action and without regard to anyone else.  They were definitely in their 30's but acted like they were 24 getting completely wasted on a Sunday night and making complete fools of themselves.  It wasn't long before one of the guy's girlfriends got pissed and took off.  He went after her but she wanted nothing to do with him.  Good for her. 

The game ended and we left.  We took his friend home and Steven opened up to me about him.  Apparently he's CHEAP.  In fact, he ate and drank and then didn't offer to pay.  CHEAP! Moreover, it seems that he's not an ethical business person and has been known to rip his clients off to get more commission on what he sells.  No thank you!!!  I thanked him for telling me and that I would proceed with caution.  Furthermore, if the fact he never pays shows total disregard for Steven's friendship then the fact that he has been a "girl stealer" solidifies it.  Steven told me stories of when they would go out.  He would meet a girl and start talking to her, walk away for a second and his friend had already moved in on her.  It's like Steven was the warm up act.  I could feel the animosity towards his friend and it's like he was getting angry all over again.  Sitting there in the car, I couldn't help but wonder why he would choose to invite this friend to be the first to meet me.  Then I realized that in Steven's mind he was showing his friend that HE won in the end.  

That night we came back to my house for a bit and I told him that I wasn't going to be able to see him until Friday night.  I simply can't afford to get completely wrapped up in him, letting my mind daydream about what might come.  The focus has to remain on me getting done what I need to do for ME!  And it's quite a bit to accomplish, but winning this new piece of business would help....A LOT!

I kind of felt bad because we'd had a couple of attempts of trying to seal the deal without the desired outcome, so I didn't want him to think I was walking away, but just needed to get my own shit done.  Not to mention the fact I had just spent $500 on a trip to Pittsburgh to pitch this new business, so I'm sweating the financial situation a little.  YEAH!  I know!  It's really, REALLY rare that a company asks you to come to them to pitch and then doesn't fork over the money to get you there.  Ironically, the organization is HQ'd in Chicago.  Go figure.  In the end I resolved myself to believing that God would not give me the opportunity if I couldn't handle it....financially.

I walked him to the door.  He lingered taking every kiss he could get and then he was gone.

xoxo

Delayed Details

Hey, gang!  I ended up on the phone with Steven for 2.5 hours last night (my writing time), so no story about Sunday's Super Bowl party just yet.  Promise...it's coming.  I was getting a little concerned that he wasn't calling me so I texted:

E: Hey, do you miss me yet?
S: Uhm....no! :)
S: Of course I do, babe!

So then I called him, hoping he would feel more confidence in calling me.  All I can say is that we laugh as much over the phone as in person, and he shared his entrepreneurial ideas with me.  I told him I am more than happy to guide him through it, but I'm not going to become a girl he pity dates so I can help him with his business ideas.  He laughed.  Much like the guy I dated who, once he met my cat, really just came over to hang out and love on her.  She's extraordinary, no doubt, but I felt like a single mom whose boyfriend was afraid to break up with her because he loves her child more than her. 

So, I'm off to Pittsburgh.  Whether I will go to Chuck's viewing is still up in the air (he's from Pitt).  I don't do viewings very well.  Maybe it's just me, but I don't get the concept of "the viewing".  I don't want my last memory of him to be in a coffin.  We'll see.....but I'm doubting it.

Steven is picking me up at the airport tomorrow night and has a plan for the weekend.  I like a man with a plan.  I think I'll ask if he has a plan for me - via "He's Just Not That Into You" (aka one of my bibles!)

Cheers and details to come!

xoxo

I've Taken Myself Off the Market

That's right girls and boys, you heard me correctly.  I've taken myself off the market.  This is Part 1 of 2 on how it happened.

Saturday night - ice skating.  While I felt strongly that we needed to get out of the house (and away from trouble) I also really wanted to go ice skating.  I've lived in Chicago 13 years and never been.  That's just stupid!  I am not sure what I was thinking but I definitely didn't consider the fact there might be a line at the rink in Millennium Park.

When considering my outfit I was thinking more cute ski bunny than warmth.  I wore thick black winter leggings, a long pink tank top, black tee, black turtleneck sweater, brown down vest, scarf, hat, knee highs, thick socks and my galoshes, NOT my warm faux Uggs. I will pay for this decision and really should know so much better.  Sunset downtown happens at about 2:00pm as the tall buildings block the sun and the temperature drops dramatically.  Not to mention the fact we're near the lake and the breeze blows directly across the park to and then bounces off the buildings back on to the park.  Brrrrr.  That's not even the half of it!  Typically I always consider this fact but, nope, I wanted to be cute ski bunny not a bundled Michelin Man!  Steven, on the other hand, was warmly dressed in boots, ski pants, a sweatshirt, pullover, scarf and funky knit cap.

When we arrived at the skating rink there was, sure enough, a LINE!  We joined in and it was sssllllooowwww moving.  I started to shiver and Steven wrapped his arms around me - he's a furnace.  Hmmm....maybe I'm not regretting my thoughtlessness.  That's pretty much how we stayed the 30 minutes or so we were in line.  I will say this....it was fun and we just laughed.  We people watched and laughed, making up stories about the each person.  We laughed because he was just being silly.  He was always doing something funny and at times would blow his warm breath on my neck to warm me up.

I can feel the warmth inside the building from where I stood and was anxious to get in. We're. So. Close! Just as we get to the top of the line - they close the rink for the Zamboni and we're left standing for another 30 minutes.  We just started laughing in disbelief that this was our luck. He continued to hold me and block the wind.

FINALLY....they complete the ice surfacing and we are allowed inside the skate rental.  We give up our shoes, grab out skates and plunk down on a bench.  My feet were so cold that I had to rub them back to life before putting them in the boot of the skate, which was considerably warmer than my galoshes.  Not sure if that's because they had recently been worn, but I didn't care.  My toes were tingling with blood and life.  Laced up and smiling we were off the rink.

Now, let me just take this moment to explain that in initial conversations about ice skating, Steven said that he had skated and played hockey.  Then during the drive downtown he says he hasn't ever skated.  I totally busted him. "Which is it, liar?"  "Well, it's been a long time since I've skated."  "So, a more factual statement to cover your ass from already telling me you played hockey would be to say 'I have never ice skated in my adult life.'"  Laughing.  "Yeah, you got me." "Uh huh!"

Once on the rink, we both proceeded with caution.  Steven immediately grabbed my hand and led me around and around the rink until we both got our balance and got accustomed to the motion.  The skates' blades sucked with a capital "S".  The blades were so worn down that they looked more like a half-inch flat piece of steel than a "blade".  We continued going in circles and people were EVERYWHERE!  It was super crowded and there seemed to be bodies littering the rink every place you looked.  I couldn't take my eyes off the ice in front of me in case I failed to notice that there was a group of teenage girls down for the count in front of me and I went flying over them.  Fortunate for me, I had an expert who got his skating groove pretty quickly and was always on the look out to keep me out of trouble, or from causing a major pile up.

At one point we made the turn and this little boy took a tumble.  His father wasn't too stable on the skates and  Steven let go of my hand, made a quick, hard stop, turned around, stopped behind the little boy and picked him up, gently setting him back on his feet.  I just smiled to myself.  Moments later he found me ahead, came to my side, looked at me and reached his hand out.  Wow!  This is a really good dude!  And that wasn't the only person he helped out.

When he wasn't helping to stop potential national incidents between tourist foreign and domestic, he spent his time flirting with me.  As I became more confident, I let go of his hand and skated ahead.  He came up next to me "Hey baby, how are you?"  "Hi. I'm fine," I said slightly cold and ignoring him.  "So, you're one fine lady." "And you're one confident Italian.  Where do you guys learn this stuff?" "It's in our DNA, baby.  Whatcha doin' after this?" "Going home. Alone."  He laughs, comes in close, grabs my waist and whispers "I don't think so!" This kind of flirting went on.  I'd skate off and he'd come up again.  "Dude, you just can't take no for an answer!" "Not when you're so hot.  You're melting the ice."  I roll my eyes and laugh.

At one point, I skated ahead again, but this time I turned to look for him.  I couldn't see him and turned my focus back to making the turn.  I felt him near by and turned to look behind me once more and Steven smiled.  He then came in close and wrapped his arms around me, nuzzling his nose in my neck and saying something.  I don't remember what he said but I was smiling and loving it.  He let go, came to my side, we looked at each other, he looked down and as I did his hand was waiting for me.  I took it and looked back at him.  I am a fucking idiot!  This is pretty damn amazing.  How could I ever think there is something better out there for me than this.  That's when my decision was made.

After an hour or so, it was time to Zamboni the ice again and I was getting a bit tired.  It's quite a work out skating on shitty skates and negotiating through crowds of unstable skaters.  Plus, my right foot was starting to hurt a bit.  We immediately went inside to a warm waiting area next to the bathrooms.  I made my way out of the restroom and walked towards him, smiling.  He wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me.  To Steven a public place isn't public so PDA isn't PDA.  It's like we're the only two people there.  "So, what are you doing tomorrow?"  "Well, I was going to go to a Super Bowl party but I'm thinking I may stick to home and get a bunch of stuff done. Why?" "Well.........I was wondering if you'd like to come to a Super Bowl party with me and meet my friends." Seriously?  I haven't told him I've made my choice yet and we haven't done anything intimate to consider the deal sealed.  This is awesome!  "Are you sure you're ready to introduce me to your friends?" He laughs, "Yes!" "Well, okay then."

After some debate, we decided to return our skates and head home.  I was STARVING!  Of course, it turns out that it was 80's night in Millennium Park and that's when all the fun started.  We watched some professional skaters and made sad faces that the fun music was now playing as we were leaving.  Oh well, I was STARVING!  "So, what do you want to do for dinner?" I ask.  "I don't know.  Do you have any thoughts?"  "Well, I was thinking maybe we hit the store and head back to mine.  I have homemade chili I can defrost and it sounds ssssoooo good on a night like this."  "Sounds good."

In the car, he turns the heat on high.  This is kind of a big deal for me as I'm always cold.  As far as Steven is concerned, he would as soon die of sweat than let me freeze.  (Okay, everyone say a collective "Aaaaaawwwww!")  His father calls as we're leaving downtown, "Hi, Dad.....Yeah, I love you too....No I'm not alone.  I've got this hot blonde with the biggest blue eyes sitting next to me.  We've just come from ice skating and heading for a warm dinner....No I'm not cooking."  I laugh out loud. "What?" he looks at me.  "Look you make fantastic reservations and pay and I'll do the cooking." We're both laughing. "Dad...did you hear that?  Yeah....I agree."  I can hear part of the conversation but not all of it and with that he gives me a smile.

After hitting a couple of stores I am starting to get the grouch on.  I. Am. STARVING!   In the stores he kept wanting to browse...."Dude!  I'm hungry.  Let's go!"  "Okay, okay!"  He drops me off with his eyes set on a parking spot that's been plowed in.  I can tell he's salivating at the chance to give it a go with his all-wheel drive love....aka his car.  I lug everything upstairs into my apartment and pull out two containers of turkey chili.  After uncovering them I stick them into the microwave to defrost.  I then race around to do some quick pick up, shoving shit in all kinds of closets (not much unlike our second date when he "invited" himself over). Then grab all the accouterments - cheese, sour cream - and set them on the table next to the wine and two glasses.  He comes in with a big smile revealing his accomplishment of drilling his car into the parking spot.  You're hilarious! 


We eat, watch some TV - Alaska State Troopers, to be exact - and some warm snuggling.  There was some making out and then.....to the bedroom.  You're usual turn of events occurred, but we didn't "seal the deal".   At one point, I stopped him, sat up and said "Just so you know, this means I've made my choice."  He grabs my face with both hands and kisses me.  At that point his shirt came off and GASP! That wasn't JUST back hair I was feeling through his shirt the other night.  It's a fucking SHAG RUG!  ARE YOU KIDDING ME???  It was everywhere and about an inch long.....EVERYWHERE.  Not to mention the Buddha was a little bigger than a little Buddha.  I just laughed to myself and gave him a hug.  In the past, I would have shut this guy down.  No way, no how!  I do NOT do back hair and major Buddha!  But for some reason, I just let it go as his kisses quickly made me realize it wasn't as important as it once was.  Well, these things can be changed.  Soon we fell asleep and his sleep apnea kicked in.  I reached to my bedside table and put in some ear plugs, and I slept really well for a few hours.  Well, until I realized he'd taken over the entire bed and I was left with a 12-inch wide space on the edge.  I waited until I heard him snore and got out of bed like a cat - smoothly, quickly and quietly - grabbed a robe and headed to the couch.  A few hours later, he came out.  "Hey," he whispers.  "Hey."  "Did my snoring keep you awake?"  "No the earplugs were great. You were inching me out of bed, you big HOG!"  Laugh.  "Come back to bed now."

We crawled back in and began talking.  He asked me about my past relationships and I breezed over everyone - who matters - including the abuser.  He didn't seem to flinch, probably because of the fact that I can talk about it today matter of factly and without feeling.  I asked him about his and found out he broke up with his last girlfriend in October.  Since then he'd been on the dating site where he learned that most women were interested in little more than a "free night out".  Aha!  This makes sense now.  On our first date he didn't believe that I was really seriously about going out with him again.  

"Let's go get breakfast." "Uhm, okay."  "I think we should go get Dim Sum in Chinatown." Another thing I've been dying to do and not got around to it. "That sounds great!  Something I've always wanted to do."  "Okay, let me call my friend and get the name and address."  He starts to dial, "Uhm, Steve, it's like 7:30 in the morning." "Oh, yeah, he'll be up.....He dude, it's Steve.  So I'm in bed with this gorgeous woman and want to take her to Dim Sum.  Call me back with the name and address of the place we used to go to."  I laugh.  "I can't believe you just said that to him."  He laughs. "It's no biggie.  He'd do the same to me."  A few minutes later his friend calls and I hear the first part of the conversation: "Hey, thanks for calling me back."  "First of all, you're AN IDIOT!  You don't call ANYONE when you're in bed with a beautiful woman!" Steven laughs, "Yeah, well I want the restaurant info......uhuh....where's that at.....okay, great.  Thanks.....He says it doesn't open until 10a and the best time to go is between 11:45 and 1:00p."  "No way, I'm STARVING!" "You're always starving." "It's because it takes so much energy to deal with you!"  We both laugh.  "Okay, then plan B.  The Original Pancake House downtown."  "I've never been there."  "Gggiiirrrlll, you're missing out."  So that's what we did.

I was grabbing my bag and Steven was putting on his boots when I checked my phone.  Ben had sent me a text around 10:30 the night before (when I was otherwise occupied).  "Dear friends it is with great sadness to say that Chuck passed away this evening..." "Oh my God! Oh my God!"  "What?"  "My friend Chuck passed away."  I look up at Steven, back down at the phone, and then to Steven again.  Within an instant I just burst into tears.  "Oh my gosh!" I turn away and go into the bathroom I am not going to cry in front of this man I just met.  No!  But I do.  I come take a deep breath, wipe my eyes, blow my nose and return to the kitchen. Steven is standing in the doorway and quickly embraces me.  "Okay, let's go."  I think this might have surprised Steven, but I'm a strong hold when it comes to crying.  I just have a hard time doing it in front of boyfriends.

We had a nice time at breakfast though I was quiet.  He dropped me off and said he'd be back at 4:30p to pick me up for the Super Bowl party.  I came in the house, closed the door and had a small sob fest.  I then  laid down, napping for almost two hours.  When I awoke I returned calls and then sobbed until I had nothing left.

Part 2: Super Bowl Party report tomorrow...

xoxo

In Memoriam

Have you ever known someone who took life so easy that nothing, and I mean NOTHING, could ever shake them?  That was Chuck.

Chuck and I met through the gay boys.  He played on the softball team and came to all of the parties.  He made a real effort to be everyone's friend and you simply became intoxicated with his spirit.  It was one you became drunk on.  It was addicting and you were always left wanting more, especially once he retreated the party.  When he wasn't playing softball Chuck was my companion in cheerleading on the sidelines, and that's where we did most of our gossiping.  I know how much he would have liked to play softball this last summer, but I loved having him to myself under the tent next to the dusty field rooting "our guys" on.  "You can ring that cowbell like no one else, E!"

Chuck was a giving and wonderfully cheerful person who never let anything get him down.  While he sometimes walked to the beat of his own drum, Chuck was a good voice of reason and he left a mark on all of us.  He always had a smile on his face, and you can't help but have one when you think of him.  Isn't that what any of us can hope to do when we depart? 

When Chuck walked into the room there was always a "hey, hey, hey!" and them kisses and hugs for everyone.  He was a generous guy who never thought twice about going out of his way to see you, to pick you up to go somewhere or think of the kind things no one else does.  He was the first to bring flowers and celebrate the achievements of friends. 

For me, Chuck was a consummate gentleman (as so many of my gay boys are - they really know how to be sweet to a woman!) and one of the few who I jumped for joy to see.  "Hhhheeeeyyyyy, E!  How are you?  What's new?  Tell me everything!" and I'd always ask "How is your love life?"  "Wwwelll, there are a couple of boys around but you know, this chemo thing doesn't leave me with much energy to fuck any of them!"  And that would be followed by a big laugh.

 Yes, I blocked out my face...this is my anonymous journal!

Chuck had Leukemia.  He went through chemo and had a bone marrow transplant over the summer.  In January he went back into the hospital.  The transplant didn't take.  He then came home and then went back in last week, admitted to ICU.  As I told Ben* I just didn't see this coming.  Didn't think this was an option.  He always said "I'm going to beat this".

He was an exemplary example of courage and positivity, and he will be missed. Rest in peace my friend.  Your spirit will always be near us.  You will be present with us always.  But, you will be missed.  I love you!

xoxo

Decision Made

I don't have time to write a full post, but will do so as soon as I'm able.  I will tell you that I've made my decision and calling off everything and everyone else.  Steven invited me to meet his friends today....even before he knew I had made my decision.  Need a nap and then off for the start of our adventure.

In the meantime, news this morning has left me grieving the loss of a friend and wonderful person.  It caught me off guard.  The tears flowed and I was happy not to be alone when I heard.

Stay warm, enjoy the game.  More later...

xoxo

Steven Opens Up....

You should all be relieved.  I felt SO different with Steven tonight and even better by the end of the night. It was amazingly comfortable and easy.   

He picked me up at 5:40p and, as per usual, I was ready to go and peering out my living room blinds for him.  I watch him park his car and get out wearing that DAMNED fur hat!  Ugh, I hate that thing!  We head to the grocery to pick a few items for the dinner I was making him - Seared Scallops with thin multi-grain spaghetti with tomatoes, garlic, Parmesan and olive oil accompanied by spring greens lightly drizzled in olive oil.  At the store, he followed me, as I walk very fast and determined.  I had several things for this recipe already at home, packed them in a recyclable grocery bag and brought it with.  Produce, fish counter, dairy and wine and head to the self check out.  I ring everything up and the clerk says "Do you have ID."  I turn my back to show her my ID and then carefully place it back in my python card case.  As I turn around, Steven is running his card through the machine to buy the food.  "This was supposed to be my treat."  "I know, but I wanted to." "Okay, that's very nice of you," I whisper "but you didn't have to." He looks at me and smiles.

Back towards the car and Steven grabs my hand again.  He's always, always holding my hand.  We get in the car and make the trek back to his house.  As we drive in the snow we spin and turn - this guy knows how to drive! "I love this car.  All wheel drive rocks!" I laugh at his purely manly enthusiasm as I grip the card door hand thinking it will actually protect me in an impact.  I'm more concerned about the other people on the road then Steven.

As we pull up to his house, the street is clearly a mess and yet he just plows right through it all.  In Chicago there is this long standing tradition that once you've done the hard work of digging yourself out of the snow, you reserve the spot with a broom, folding chair, desks, you know, whatever happens to be handy.  This street is no different.  It's comical, really, until someone steals your stuff and your parking space.  Once inside and stripped of all wet outerwear, I head to the kitchen and begin taking everything out of the bags and positioning them on the table island.  He opens the wine while I take roasted pepper hummus and spread it on a plate, microwave for 20 seconds, drizzle some olive oil, fan multi-grain and flax seed crackers around it and present it to him as The Appetizer.  He loves it and comes around to give me a hug as thanks....with a mini make out.

As I get everything ready his idle hands are all over me and I decide it's time to put them to work, "You'll manage the pasta, because I know you've got that down, and I'll do the rest." "Ok," he says with an attempt at another make out.  "Get to work!!"  I grab the tomatoes and garlic and ask him for a knife.  Boy does he have a knife.  Chef grade.  It sliced through a tomato perfectly.  "This is an amazing knife.  Where did you get it."  "Work." "Oh right because you need to have them for work." Laugh. "No the sales reps come in to sell to the airport restaurants.  I bought a few."  "Oh, yeah, that makes sense." "Hold that thought."  He comes back moments later with another knife, exactly like the one I'm holding except with a black handle.  "Get your grimy hands off my knife!"  uhm...what? "This is for you." "But I have one." "No, this is yours.  I want you to have it." uhm, that's like a $100 knife, dude. "I really can't.  Yes, you will. I'll set it over here for you." "Thank you!"

While I'm chopping I ask:

E:  "So, I don't mind the texting, but why don't you call me.  Not a phone guy?"
S: He smiles. "It's not that I haven't wanted to, I just don't know when you're busy."
E: "Well, if I'm busy I won't answer!"
S: He laughs.  "Yeah, simple as that."
E: "So tell me something about you that I don't know." I look up to the smirk-smile.  "What?" I say "Entertain me while I'm doing this."
S: "Okay, I moved around from school to school growing up.  Later I worked at the Chicago Board of Trade for 10 years from the age of 18-28."
E: "Wow, were you a runner?"
S: "I started off as a runner."
E: "And then you just decided it wasn't fulfilling enough?"
S: "Yeah, I guess that's it. And yyoooouuu??"
E: "Well, I spent most of my life as a performer - dance, theater, singing, and such.  I went to school on scholarship to sing and loved it.  I feel that I'm an instrument for this amazing music.  It wasn't about me, and that came back to hurt me.  I was raised to be far too modest and I lacked all Divaness.  Then I asked myself if I wanted to teach - no - or do I want to wait tables in New York auditioning with 20,000 girls who look and sound like me?  Not really.  Not to say I wasn't unique. I was small, petite with a huge voice that could be heard over a 200-piece orchestra and 150-person choir.  I loved it, still do, but have no regrets about changing my major to journalism.  I simply didn't have the 'I have to do this to live' feeling in my gut.  I do miss it. After I lost my scholarship I worked as a waitress and bartender to help pay my tuition."

Steven comes around the table, takes the knife from my hand and gives me a big hug.  "Ouch!" "What," he stops suddenly.  "My back, from shoveling yesterday.  It's really sore."  "Well, I will give you a massage to make it feel better."  I smile.

I decide to cook all of the scallops so he can eat them for leftovers.  When it was all complete, I prepared each plate and we go into the living room to sit at the big ass table to eat.  He digs in and is loving it.  "This is so good." "I know, and it's so easy, don't you think?"  "Hhmmmm..."  That was pretty much the rest of the meal until I look up and find a huge stuffed giraffe staring at me. " Uhm..." he looks at me. "Giraffe???"  He laughs.  "You like that?  When restoration hardware was having their bankruptcy sales I bought it for my niece and nephew." "So why isn't it at their house?"  "They wanted to keep it here so they have something to play with."  "Ahhh..."

I gotta give it to Steven.  He downed six big scallops, salad and pasta, clearing his plate.  I say, "I'm stuffed.  It would be great to go take a walk."  "Okay, let's." "Seriously?" "Yeah."  So we bundle up in our outwear and head out to walk around the block in the frigid temps.  "You should wear your knit cap it will keep you warmer." "I'm fine," as he puts on ear covers and that stupid fur hat!

It's cold but it feels good. We talk about his neighborhood as I point out interesting architectural and design elements I see.  "It's changed a lot since I moved in," he says. "I used to hear gunshots all the time."  "Didn't that scare you?" "Nah, I'm a better shot." I suddenly wonder where he leaves his gun in the house.  (Sidebar: I did do some more research and he is a Marshall whose assignment is on the ground.) Instead of turning right to make the walk around the block complete he says "Turn left". We turn left and come upon the park.  Steven lives a good three to four miles from the lakefront but he's right by a huge park with lagoon, tennis courts, softball fields and more.  I've seen it in the summer and it's actually quite beautiful.  No doubt the park is empty but the drive through it is clear and we make that our path.  At one point he let's go of my right hand, stops, I keep walking, and then comes up on my left grabbing that hand.  Nice.  A real gentleman always walks on the outside of a lady.  Nice!

We decide to cross the street and venture into the area, which is normally grass, towards the softball field.  There was two feet of snow and we were like moose picking up each leg up and out of the snow.  By the time we stop, we're both winded.  We stand there for a few minutes inhaling the cold air and enjoy the quite beauty and he wraps his arms around me.  We decide to go.

S: "Let's go this way," and he starts to pull me to the right.
E: "Uhm, let's not."  While we were standing there, I saw a guy stumble into the snow towards a tree.
S: "Why?"
E: "Cuz that guy is peeing on the tree over there." Chicago has embraced public urination!
S:  He laughs. "Yeah, okay."

We walk through the softball field to the road, passing the most beautiful snow angels, and he again steps to the outside of me. Nice. About 10 minutes later we're back in the warmth of his house, of which he actually turned the heat up.  Snow is everywhere and we carefully undress and he turns his neck to reveal a crick.  I start to massage it and he leads me into his bedroom.

When he opens the door I see a huge four-banister bed with matching light wood strips linking the tops, perfect for a mosquito net.  It's not a large room, as is very traditional in old Chicago homes, but somehow he's managed to cram his office desk and a huge, tall metal filing cabinet in.  This guy needs a woman's touch!  The mattress, Tempurpedic.  Awesome!  He lays down and I massage his neck and back.  The more I rub his shoulders through the shirt, the more crinkling noise I hear...and feel.  BACK HAIR!!!  Seriously??? Really?  COME ON!!  Sooner or later we switch, I pull off my turtle neck after working up a small sweat massaging his tight back, and lay in my tank top and leggings. He starts to give my back the massage it's been crying for all day, except he can't rally stay focused.  He continues to lean down to kiss my neck and shoulders.  "Hey, I'm serious, I need this!" It was a generous massage lasting about 15 minutes.  Afterwards we lie on the bed, making out and talking.

S: "So what is your hesitation?"
E: "What? With sex?"
S: "Yeah"
E: "I promised myself I would do it right this time, that I wouldn't jump into anything."
S: "Why?"
E: "Because that's what I've done in the past and the relationships didn't have substance."
S: "What were they?"
E: "I dressed up well for parties and dinners out; I looked good for their friends.  We never talked and they never seemed interested in me."
S: "Oh." Make out.
S: "Tell me about your first boyfriend."
E: I laugh. "My first boyfriend lasted about 10 minutes.  He was my first kiss." We played around as I imitated the reenactment of my first kiss.  Hilarious.  I was actually in fifth grade..... "Yours?"
S: "It was ninth grade and I started dating this girl.  My brother met her and said 'dude, you can do so much better than that!', but all of my friends had girlfriends and I wanted one too.  So I got one."  We laugh.  "So tell me about your last relationship."
E: "He was the first in a long time to treat me with respect.  He was super sweet to me, wanted to court me and I felt I deserved it.  Then he dropped a bombshell that I just couldn't help him with."
S: "What do you mean"
E: "He told me he was in recovery"
S: "For what?"
E: "Alcohol mostly but I often wondered if there was something harder.  It was sad. He had just recently gotten out of rehab for the second time." I didn't go into more details.
S: "Oh."
E: "Are you uncomfortable that I am not jumping into sex with you?"
S: "Well, no, but for me it defines everything."
E: "What do you mean? That it means that we're officially together?"
S: "Yes." He says with a smile.  So, you're eager to take me off the market??  LOL  He kisses me and the looks linger. He softly touches my face. "Do you still have your online profile up?"
E: "Yes, but I haven't checked it in awhile. Do you?"
S: "No. I took it down."
E: "Why?"
S: "Because I really like you."
E: "So what did you think the other night when I didn't want to come into the bedroom with you?"
S: "I just thought you hadn't made your choice yet."
Silence.
E: "I suppose I'm just looking for someone who will be patient with me. Who will make me laugh."
S: "I can do that." And with those words he rolled me on to my back, lifted up my tank top and gave me a huge zurburt on the stomach.  I laughed and laughed.
E: I catch my breath as he lies down next to me. "I like that you asked and we talked about this.  Keep talking to me. Deal?"
S: "Always."

The conversation and making out continued until I finally drew the line and said I have to go home.

I felt exponentially better knowing where his head was at, and I'm sure he feels better as well.  I think it was feeling the pressure of sex that had me feeling like I was out of control; as if I'd lose him if I didn't, and I don't like that.  We've only been on FOUR dates! I just need to wrap my head around all of this.  This is what I want, I just have to go step-by-step for myself.

He's right, I haven't made my decision yet because of fear and what not, but I'm closer.  Definitely closer.  But I do have to say, there's nothing like letting him work for it a little bit.  He doesn't need to know that I haven't dated anyone else.  There's no harm.  No answer is not lying.  There has to be a reason why none of those other guys really go into contact and asked me out.  I believe that God works in mysterious ways. 


Next date: Saturday late afternoon.  Ice skating and hot chocolate - we really have to get out of the house and out to do something! LOL  Plus, I might not be able to see him until I get back from the new business pitch in Pittsburgh next Friday.  Ugh...Valentine's Day...

xoxo