Why is it that when bad things happen they just snowball? You can never get ahead. All signs point to....nothing. Today, I am officially worth nothing, except a measly $50 I have in my bank account. That's right, kids, Epiphany had to cash in her tiny stash of retirement to pay my credit card company. Oh, and that comes with tax implications. Add it to my fucking tab.
Everything is worse. I am fearful that it's driving me into a depression. I only want to sleep - the stress is zapping me. I don't want to do any work, because I think "what's the point". I am one who always feels hopeful. Always sees opportunities, but today I can't see them through the tears. And let me tell you, this woman has cried a lot in the last month.
Ever since I made my decision to blog about my journey and make a change in my life, I had hope that the awareness, the shift in energy, would catapult me in the direction in which I am supposed to go. It hasn't. It's just been more work emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Work for clients and late nights looking for a job, and part-time work for the time being. How did I get here? The worst part is the being alone. I have no one to share this challenge and frustration with. Maybe it's time I got myself a sugar daddy! No joke. I think I could do it for the money. But then again, that would be the lowest place I could take myself.
I just don't understand and feel more lost than I did before. I hate this place. I'm totally in my head, thinking all of the time and not listening. I need to meditate and connect but it's difficult to focus.
This weekend a very close gf of mine celebrated two-years of sobriety. I went to an open meeting with her and then brunch following. I was her only non-AA friend in attendance, and I feel grateful for her including me. Hearing the stories of those who spoke reminded me that as bad as I think things are at the moment, they could be much worse. But it still feels pretty bad.
"If you can still look up when you're down on your back, you can get up". Great quote from a mentor, but right now I just don't know what I would get up for.
It comes so easy to some people. Why is that? I have so many inspirational quotes and messages to remind me around my house but I suddenly feel like Stuart Smiley having to do and say things I've never had to before. I used to be confident in who I am. Now I have to say "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!" Unfortunately, that won't pay my bills.