Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Did your car just say what I think it said?

Alright...I clearly need a lot to laugh about these days, but this is the fucking topper!

I was walking down the street with an innocent college student from my alma mater (Rock Chalk - I will give that part of myself away Rocks! LOL) after coffee.  I'm mentoring her.  Yes, I think it's fucking hilarious too.  Anyhoo...she's a tall gal with long legs and a relatively short dress on with a jacket and killer shoes (color me JEALOUS!) shit...we hear a whistle (aka you're sexy catcall that one usually hears from "men at work").

E: "What the fuck was that?"

Sweet student I'm mentoring to be know as my Baby Jay - as in JAYHAWK: "I am not really sure, hee, hee, hee, hee"

E: "No, seriously that wasn't real"  I look over and see a gross man in a fucking mini-van oogling my Baby Jay.  I'm like NO YOU FUCKING DON'T!  This is my Baby Jay, an innocent from Kansas not savvy to the crazy fucks in the city.  I'll scratch your fucking eyes out if you attempt to come near my Baby Jay.  FUCKER!
Baby Jay (I will not use BJ cuz she's simply too innocent): "hee, hee, hee I can't really tell"
("Hey baby!")
E: "What the fuck?  It's that dirty soon-to-be-a-criminal in that beat up piece of shit mini-van circa 1988.  I think it's a horn affect."
Baby Jay: "Really, that's kind of cool."
E: thinking "poor Baby Jay are you sure you want to move to the big city.  There are some seriously crazy and weird fucks around here"
Baby Jay: "Wow, I think you're right.  Okay that's weird."
E: thinking "Of COURSE it's weird, right next to his creepy glasses like the ones Stanley Tucci wore in 'The Lovely Bones', that dudes scary. And I WILL smack that creepy, potential molester smile right off your face.  Right after I scratch your eyes out! " Outloud: "Don't look at him Baby Jay. Just keep walking forward."
Baby Jay: "I kinda love weird shit like that.  I can't wait to move to the BIG city."
E: "Oh, Baby Jay, just promise to keep your wits about you, trust no one, and never, ever go home with a stranger (i.e. learn from E what NOT to do, even if nothing bad ever happened, I have had my stupid moments)"
Baby Jay:  hee, hee, hee, hee

SWEET, innocent girl.  I do worry about her moving here, but even more disconcerting is the fact that some jackass actually thought it was COOL to install some jacked up horn alternative that would allow him to, in his mind, woo the girls, when in fact he comes off as one creepy MoFo whose alter ego comes out when the sun sets.

Seriously?  Who sells this SHIT and thinks it's acceptable?  SERIOUSLY?  You're either as stupid or a big freak who lives in his mother's basement with her 10 cats or BOTH to have a. created this product and b. decided to sell it, most likely online.  And what brilliant mechanic would actually put this in someones car to replace their horn.  You know those guys are laughing out back at the stupid douche bag who thought it was so cool to have this horn sound installed.

It kills me.  Think about this.  In a city where honking is standard procedure to scare the buh-gezus out of anyone clearly a foreigner to the Big City, or really bad drivers (and there are a lot of them), what kind of effect is your measly little horn going to have to get someone asshole driver's attention?  I can see it now, driving in the city and some jackass pulls in front of you so you swerve to try and miss him, but he stops suddenly and you honk your horn only to hear "HEY BABY" and you slam into the backend of a gangsters car.

Oh, well, maybe it's for the best.  Let the gangsters take care of all the fucking freaks!

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