Steven: The Final Chapter

Why have I come back after almost one year?  Well, I find myself sitting and watching the "Hot in Cleveland" marathon with nothing else to do.  Friends have moved to the burbs or gay bf is out of town and I am....alone.  I've always found this writing to be therapeutic and provide an understanding of life that can only be unleashed through words.  I need this.  I need it to help me let it go through simply putting it out in the world. 

So, now....I catch you up.  I've missed you all!

Last year was a pivotal year.  My business morphed and grew with some bigger clients.  I was busy and managing a staff of contractors and was fairly happy with the other aspects of my life.  But it wasn't to last.

Steven and I lasted until the Fall when conversation of Meow Mix continued to pop up time and time again.  Once it happened in the car and I said there was no conversation and I wasn't discussing it any more.  Then he was dumb enough to bring it up again within a few minutes at which point I leaped out of his car at a stop light and caught a cab home, only to find him waiting for me. It was a difficult conversation but really the first time I've stood up for myself. We'd had a good summer together full of laughter and fun but without any depth.  Our relationship was still empty and we were clearly not moving forward.  This was just the final straw for me.  After some tears we decided to take a three-day break, after which he came over and told me everything I wanted to hear.  But we began to unravel as the truth slowly came out.

Back in September, my gf, and new mom, asked me to come over and take a walk with her and the new baby. It was a beautiful, warm day and I opted to walk to her house for the exercise.  Our conversation must have been exhausting for her because all I did was bitch about S.  Soon we found ourselves at her husband's office (a few blocks away) where I was introduced to his office mates, and when the world stopped.  I was introduced to "The Heartbreaker" - he will remain unnamed.  When I met T.H. it felt as if I had walked into a brick wall.  As if someone was saying "stop and listen, Epiphany". 

T.H. was tall, dark and handsome with a nice smile and a nice laid back energy.   The moment would remain imprinted on my memory for some time, and I didn't hesitate to ask my friend about him.  Turns out that T.H. was someone that my friend and her husband wanted to introduce me to (I later found out that he was told that I was in a relationship but S was on the way out, but I was worth it).  I ran into him a few times here and there and mostly at "planned" dinners at, what T.H. and I called "The Couple"'s house.  No doubt the moment stayed with me and caused me to question the reality of my relationship with S.

A few weeks later, the topic came up again as I tried to press him to understand where we were going.  In 10 months S had never told me he loved me or made a plan for the future and, honestly, I felt that there was no future.  We ended up taking a two week break over Thanksgiving. The next morning, I woke up and knew it was over.  I actually knew it was over before than, but breaking up sucks and I became confused.  After all S was very good to me.  He knew how to treat me well, with chivalry and respect.  He may not have spoke his emotions but he did show them.  We may not have had any depth to our relationship but we had a lot of fun; the kind of fun you want to have with a life partner, but I was beginning to see the truth.  S was co-dependent, insecure, jealous, lazy, lacked drive in life, had a nasty bought of ongoing short-term memory loss and it was all making me crazy.  The topper.....he forgot my birthday.  Yep.  And it's not just any 'ol day but kind of a holiday. Oh, he played it off, but he did, in fact, forget it and then tried to rescue the day.  After that, I shut down.  I was going through the motions and our sex life had no life and hadn't for some time.

The end came, again, because of Meow Mix.  He told me I should give her to friends or family - NOT an option as no one would take her and/or I would never see her.  S simply could not understand one's attachment to their pet; their child.  After agreeing to taking a break, I went to "The Couple's" apartment for dinner and guess who should be there...T.H.  A few days later he began texting me.  I went to my parent's for the holiday and he would send the nicest text messages.  In the meantime, I mourned S.  The anger at him and myself was overwhelming.  That I could allow myself to stay in a situation that was never going to go anywhere unless I sacrificed everything of who I am and want in life for him.  I could just imagine moving in with S.  He wouldn't want me to add my touch to the apartment.  I would be living in his world without anything of my own to call it home.  The hurt and disappointment brought out the worst in me and finally I cried.  I cried until there was nothing left.  I thought about T.H. but knew I couldn't break up with S because of him; I hardly knew T.H., but there was the hope of him.

I came home a little stronger than I was before and yet still sad.  I was losing a friend and this was it.  It was the end of S.  Now I had to work up the guts to do it, to say what I wanted to say and make it stick. 

More to come....

xoxo,