What's Eating Epiphany?

So, the trend of waking up after just a few hours of sleep at night continues and it's making it incredibly difficult to get through the next day.  I've tried everything from getting up and working (my clients love this!) to doing Sudoku until my eyes close.  I literally have to exhaust my brain.  And, last night was no different.

I had a nice weekend with a gf who was in town.  It was great to not think about business, money or the fact that my ovaries are losing steam everyday, along with the vibrator.  My mind reels and it doesn't seem to matter how much meditation I do, I can't stay focused.  My mind keeps wondering back to these things and, ultimately, panic and fear kick in.  It's a seemingly never ending cycle of which I'm completely confused about.  Normally I have such faith that fear gets kicked to the corner and told never to come out to play again, EVER. For some reason, things are different.  Nevertheless, I fall asleep for an hour or two until the alarm buzzes.  Ouch...

It is possible that worry and concern is good for me at this point.  I am looking to make a change, to set my priorities straight and those things are all priorities in the short term.  I'm aware of my reality....

While watching "Hope Floats" yesterday, I realized why I love that movie.  I may not have a cheating rat bastard of a husband and be going through divorce or lost my mother, but I relate to Birdie in a number of other ways.  She was "Queen of Corn" the pride of "Smitheville", "audacious".....While I can't claim the first two I was Sweetheart Queen and lived my life without real thought or concern about what other people thought.  I did what I wanted to do because...I wanted to.  There was never a question as to whether my Student Body President campaign was cheesy...it was, but it worked.  I had no problem shaking my groove thing and having a blast while doing it on the pom-pon squad.  And I did it all with a smile on my face and a hello for every person I encountered in school.  I didn't care who was cool and who was not.  Everyone deserved to be noticed and treated with dignity.  I still believe this.

The movie brought out the question in me of "where the hell did I go?" - I used to have that spirit but somewhere it got quashed.  Like someone put the light out.  I have so many cool and fun ideas I want to do for my business and all I can think of is what others will think.  This is NOT who I am.  Part of it may be my career.  I am no longer in the spotlight dancing, singing or performing in a musical.  I'm now behind the scenes, making others look good.  I want to do these crazy things and boost business.  I feel like I have 6-8 months to make it work or I definitely, officially have to get out (and if the great job comes along....yes.  But who knows what will happen?)

So as part of my New Year's Rezzy I will be exploring what it is that is holding me back - which is obviously MYSELF!  There's a saying, "Only you can stop YOU".  Yupper.  That's me and now that I realize it, I mean, really realize it, I am trying to take steps everyday to a. not be overwhelmed by my reality and responsibilities and with what I need to do and b. kick myself in the ass the second I realize that I'm putting things off and not living in excellence (my personal excellence).

It's just so difficult when you know what you want, there are opportunities, but it seems they come with road blocks.  Albeit, they just may be self-imposed, but they're there and I hit those walls and just want to scream.  Today, I am trying to roll with the punches.  Business comes and goes, life isn't always what you think it will be and it's high time that I accept all of it.  I want to be carefree again.

xoxo