How Did She Do That & Why Can't I?

So, girlfriend meets boy.  In two months they buy a house together.  Two months later I meet him and think, he's not good enough for her.  One year later they break up and she's stuck with house in shitty market.  Three weeks late she meets boy at bar.  They are now together and when I mean together I mean TOGETHER.  Planning trips, making arrangements to be together.  And, when I looked in his eyes I was attracted to him and SO mad that I couldn't have met him or someone like him.  I haven't had anyone even close to that in almost a year and she just turns around and finds Mr. Wonderful and Perfect.  I'm pissed and lonely.  And this is why I dive into my work.

My Mom told me that my abusive psycho ex ruined me, and she's right.  While I feel I've forgiven him, he has not really let go.  Over the years he sends me unpostmarked, no return address letters and cards, left me voicemails, emails and tried to friend me on FB.  No wonder I'm jacked.  I've let my past go but it won't let me go.  It just keeps lingering and it's out of my control.  Is it written on my face?  Or am I just too scared to let anyone in because I think that in six months I'll find out who they really are? 

After tonight I'm feeling very lonely and wishing I had someone like that. I don't get it.  So I do what I do, blow it off, act tough and look to myself, and my vibrator for happiness.  Work is a decent substitute for thinking about the on thing I actually want the most in this life. Now, I will go pack and then cuddle with my precious Meow Mix whose unconditional love is the one thing I can't be without.

xoxo