Wednesday, April 27, 2011

My Boyfriend is Making Me Fat!

As a woman who once worshiped Glamour, and later then Vogue, I've read every article on why you should love yourself and not complain to your boyfriend that you're fat, your ass is too big, or belly not flat enough.  Bottom line was always DON'T DO IT. Love yourself cuz your man adores you the way you are.  No where in any of those thousands of Glamours read did I see anything about how to keep yourself from blowing up into a big balloon while dating someone.  Nor have I seen anything regarding how to deal with a boyfriend who complains about being fat himself.

Normally, I eat very well.  I can't afford to go out to eat often, so I cook and it's always healthy with tons of veggies and definitely includes some four buck chuck from Trader Joe's (this shit is GOOD!).  I'm also not someone who eats much.  Normally I have three meals a day - not much of a snacker - and the portions are just about right.  I don't overeat, unless I'm at a restaurant, but even then I know that there is a to-go box in my future and that means additional meals, if not one, more, for the week.  Dating Steven has been a challenge in self control and being polite.

Now let me just say one thing that Steven likes about me is that I'm kind of over the "gotta be out at the hottest places in town every night of the week".  First it's expensive, seriously, with cabs you can easily spend $250 in one night, for one person - dinner, drinks, nightclub - it's insane!  And while it is fun every now and again, I've been there, done that, and now appreciate a different lifestyle.  There's nothing out there I haven't seen before and frankly, I feel just too old to participate in that crowd any more.  When it was my time, I had a BLAST, no doubt, but now I am so happy I had my fun and can concentrate on a different kind of life.  One that doesn't include getting home at 5am, sleeping until 1p and further cocktails to assist in hastening recovery.  Recovery now lingers long past the 24 hour mark to the 72 hour mark, and frankly, there's just so many more things I want to do with my day then play the hang over march from the couch to the bathroom all day long.

So, Steven and I go out every now and again, but not to the hottest restaurants in town.  We prefer the cool hole in the wall, neighborhood joints with amazing food and even more amazing prices.  The problem is that he eats A LOT!  In some cases prompting more "immediate bathroom" situations which result purely from lack of self control and overeating on verge of exploding - literally and figuratively.  I, of course, am in tote.  Even at home, when we cook at his there is an overwhelming amount of food.  It cracks me up.  He'll prepare his plate and then mine exactly like his, as if I have a starving army in my stomach.  Out of politeness I always tried to clean my plate.  Later on in our relationship, I've begun to stop him before he dishes out extra spoonfuls on to my plate.  Often I get the "you eat like a bird".  Of which I respond, "Do you like my butt?"  "I LOVE your butt." "Well, let's keep it from getting a zip code of it's own and still feeling the love, shall we?"

The real problem is that even though I've been cutting back and putting my foot down, I have, somehow, still gained weight, and no small portion of three pounds...much MORE!  This is truly the biggest I've ever been and I feel so uncomfortable that it's making me crazy.  If it hadn't been raining here for the last, oh FOREVER, I would be working on dropping some of this arse on the lake front. However, one gay bf alerted me to the fact that it's illegal to dump biological waste in public parks.

Worse than this, is how Steven feels about himself.  Rarely do I say a WORD about how I'm feeling physically, but Steven is almost constantly saying "I'm so fat".  My response "Don't complain.  Do something about it."  Harsh, maybe, but I say it in soft voice accompanied by a smile and followed with a kiss on the cheek.  The problem is an absolute lack of motivation.  As if his stint in the hospital when his heart rate was super high along with his blood pressure didn't freak him out at all.  It's pure LAZY.  This is a problem for me.  So, I've done what I can.  He's bought new rollerblades.  I encourage him to ride his bike and, when I can afford it, plan on joining his gym.  I, of course, do all of the cooking when we do get together and it's always healthy.  I even have a PT friend willing to train him FOR FREE twice, even more, but he won't follow through.  I am not sure if it's insecurity or lack of caring.  Please, I need a man's response!  I'm at a loss!

To top it off, Steven told me last weekend about his ex-gf who was always blowing him off for work but it always came out that she'd decided to go out to the clubs instead.  So, naturally, I had a super busy week and told him I needed to concentrate on me.  He realizes I'm not going to do the same to him, but I am now wondering how he will react when I start creating time for myself to go rollerblading, etc., for me.  It's not that I'm insecure about my relationship with him.  It's that I'm seeing all of his insecurities and it's a lot to take on.  Here is this amazing, even-keeled man, who in all other totally random, and quite embarrassing moments, has all the confidence in the world and these are his road blocks.  Seriously, Steven takes the "He's Just Not That Into" test and scores 120 out 100.  I'm totally confused.  I know what I need to do and if he won't do it for him, I can't let it stop me doing it for myself.

Amongst other things, there is something that has come up that really bothers me....apparently he's more than just slightly racist.  If you know me, you know this really pisses me off, and he knows exactly where I stand.  Is it small mindedness, ignorance or a deal breaker? 

The honeymoon is over.....



middle child said...

Your post title caught my eye and the first thing I thought of was the Christmas when my then fiance bought me-among other things-a big box of Fannie May and also a book by whoever was Oprah's guru at the time, about weight loss. He said he thought I asked for that book. Hm.
Your BF's insecurities are just that-HIS insecurities. You can't fix or help. If he says he's getting fat, just say, "Oh, you think so?" Racism? I kind of don't see color, really. But I have noticed that 'men of a certan age' are more prone to it. The Hunter will say the "I have a black friend" kind of thing. I hate that shit, but then he is not me, and I am not responsible for him. Don't let your man drag you into his world of doubt. Be who you are. Invite him, but if he doesn't want to join you, leave him to mope. Peace.

Epiphany said...

MC - thanks for the very wise words. You're totally right. I've stood my ground on his racist comments and don't even respond to his ongoing "I'm fat" comments. I adore the man. I know he, nor I, or anyone else for that matter, is perfect, but I really don't like this side of him. You have to weigh the good with the bad you say, invite him into my world but not let it drag me down. Thanks!!


Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

That would drive me nuts! Unless someone is obese then I hate when people complain that their "fat" maybe he'll realize one day he's not!

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