My Birthday

Halloween is my birthday.  Before you get all "that's so cool, you must have the birthday ever every year", let me just say it has it's ups and downs.  Really, I don't know why, maybe I think it should be so extraordinary, but it's not.  However, that's not to say it isn't great.  After all, I can become someone else for a night or put on my "birthday" wig and be incognito for a day or two.

When I was younger, my birthday ROCKED.  Probably because I was a kid and it was all about trick-or-treating.  My mom used to make my costumes - one year I was Sleeping Beauty and she did an amazing job with the dress.  Another year I was Dorothy from the "Wizard of Oz" and I put our black Lhasa Apso in a basket as Toto.  My parents let me take her to school and show everyone my costume and then they took her back home.  And...there was always more candy and cupcakes for the class.

As I grew older, it became harder but my family did amazing things for me: Sister1 taped a huge plastic pumpkin outside my bedroom door.  When I woke up I ran right into it and couldn't stop laughing.  One year my parents turned our garage and basement into a haunted house.  It was a family affair and my friends thought it was amazing!  For my Sweet Sixteen I came home to my boyfriend and a handful of friends hosting a surprise party.  It was mellow but so much fun.  That's when I began to realize that it's more about who you're with than anything else.  I didn't get a car, a real piece of jewelry or anything else extraordinary, just my family and friends.

I love the effort my family always put in.  Most years my Dad would dress up as a ghost and as kids walked into the entry way and rang the bell, he'd jump out from the garage or off the chair he was sitting on.  He continues to do something fun.  He loves Halloween.  For him, it's the greatest night of the year.

Since I moved away and became (cough) older, things changed.  There was no longer family, family but there was a new family.  My Urban Tribe and they have done some pretty awesome things from a surprise party for my 31st to simply dinner at our favorite sushi restaurant.  Or the few years I've shared my birthday with others and had a mean girls night of manis/pedis and BYOB sushi.  The last two years I've gone to the parade in Boystown, which is every gay man's national holiday and a riot!  These people go far out for incredible costumes - of course all I can think about is how do you go to the bathroom in that thing?  And...of course my family has visited.  Sister 1 has rang in the Big 30 and Bigger 35 with me and my aunt and uncle celebrated numero 32 with a night filled with Italian and champagne.

Then there were the beginning years in Chicago when everyone talked me into hosting a party at a bar.  I did that and 200 of my closest friends RSVP'd to attend, however, in the end maybe 35 showed and stayed, another 35 came, said they were just coming in to wish me "Happy Birthday" and then leave, and, in the end, I was left holding the bag for the room.  Their excuse - "We have, like, five more parties to go to..." And I was like "Listen, sister, I vaguely remember holding your hair back from your face while you puked into a trash can in the "Viagra Triangle" (locals know what I'm talking about) at 4:00 in the morning on your birthday and you can't stay and have ONE drink to help pay for the room?"  Whatever.  Sure friends pitched in so I wasn't alone in paying $1,000 to the bar -yep, you read that clearly - but I was embarrassed and mad, and the rest went on credit card.  Obviously, I've not done anything like that since. 

I often wonder if it's because I'm single and alone that I don't feel like my birthday is really that great.  There's no waking up in the morning to "Happy Birthday, babe", someone to take me to dinner or dress up in a couple's costume.  Reading through this, I know that I'm pretty lucky and it's not so bad, but I feel like something's missing.  Aside of the costume and parties it's just another day.  I do want to give my gay boys a shout out for Saturday night.  I came out of the bathroom to trick candles on Twinkies and happy birthday, followed by a Tequila shot at Midnight and more singing.  Now, I DO NOT DO Tequila.  He and I had a bad one-night stand in college, and since then we just don't interact without Margarita mix.  Needless to say, it was not pretty and, to that point, I'd only had three and half drinks over five hours.  I was done.

There's also a new need.  A need to not be hungover or worthless the next day.  Besides, Sunday was my actual birthday and I wanted to enjoy the day.  I could have slept a few more hours but at 7am my eyes opened and I decided to get the day started.  What did I do?  I cleaned my house.  Seriously, it's the best gift I could give to myself, aside of a day off (today) to finish the job.  Later a could gay boys took me to yummy Mexican, I hooked up with Tequila again, in a Margarita, and then to the parade.  I wish I had taken pictures to share.  Laughing was the medicine I needed and I received it.  After wards, I we went to a gay bar (me in my brunette bob wig) where I had my butt grabbed twice and one telling me how much he liked it.  My response "Honey, I'm not what you think I am".  A compliment is a compliment!

I guess at the end of the day that my birthday is child-like and youthful, and I've begun growing out of it.  Not in a way that I will never dress up and go to parties, but in the "I want to celebrate my day in a new way."  Or, maybe I need to accept a new, exciting normal and I'm really just a big whiner who needs to dump her expectations.  What that "new normal" is I have yet to determine, but I can tell you the Big 40 is on the horizons and I'd like to be in a place to do something BIG with family and friends!

Hope you had a wonderful and safe Halloween!

xoxo

The First Job Interview

I'm finding it really hard to concentrate and motivate today.  Not really sure why but I'm thinking it has something to do with the fact that a major company in KC contacted me regarding my resume and want to do a phone interview next week.  Eek! My first interview in TEN YEARS!  Not to mention that for some reason, all week long, I would settle in to work and then something else happens and I feel as if I've accomplished nothing this week.  Yet, was in my office everyday, all day.  How does this happen?   

And...I'm nervous.  And scared.  I'm starting to second guess myself and wondering if these are the right decisions. I hate being in limbo.  At this moment, I am working my clients, new opportunities have been coming in, a couple will once their product testing is done, and they don't care where I live.  But, what if they don't come through when I need them too?  What if I get this job?  What if, what if, what if!  It'll make you go crazy and I know because there are more than the usual number of wine bottles in my recycling bin at the moment - thanks to all of my friends who've come over this week and encouraged this behavior. 

I will tell you one thing.  It's times like this when you find out who your friends are.  Then there's the friend who has been going through a tough time because his former employer stopped paying unemployment benefits and now he gets barely $900 a month.  I was happy to have him over and cook him one of my famous $3 dinners, if that.

Reflecting on my life, I realized that every time I get down, break up with someone, a mountain suddenly grows right in front of me, that I almost always go and volunteer - give to someone else who is worse shape than me.  It feels awesome to do it.  You walk out a little straighter and taller with a perma-grin.

Helping a friend, like the very few of you who have helped me in the last few weeks, means something more.  Especially, since he is the only one who understands what I'm dealing with and how it effects me emotionally, spiritually and mentally.  He really is one of two people I can talk to honestly about everything.  He has some big things on the horizon and I'm happy to help him because I know he wants to work with me - it's pretty crazy software.  Then again, what if I take a job and I have all this business start to come in.  I'm going to keep my business website up but...do I attempt to manage both.  Maybe I just need to determine when I'm moving.

E!!!!!  It's only a job interview.  You may not make the first cut.  Calm the fuck down, girl!

xoxo

Did your car just say what I think it said?

Alright...I clearly need a lot to laugh about these days, but this is the fucking topper!

I was walking down the street with an innocent college student from my alma mater (Rock Chalk - I will give that part of myself away cuz...it Rocks! LOL) after coffee.  I'm mentoring her.  Yes, I think it's fucking hilarious too.  Anyhoo...she's a tall gal with long legs and a relatively short dress on with a jacket and killer shoes (color me JEALOUS!) and...no shit...we hear a whistle (aka you're sexy catcall that one usually hears from "men at work").

E: "What the fuck was that?"

Sweet student I'm mentoring to be know as my Baby Jay - as in JAYHAWK: "I am not really sure, hee, hee, hee, hee"

E: "No, seriously that wasn't real"  I look over and see a gross man in a fucking mini-van oogling my Baby Jay.  I'm like NO YOU FUCKING DON'T!  This is my Baby Jay, an innocent from Kansas not savvy to the crazy fucks in the city.  I'll scratch your fucking eyes out if you attempt to come near my Baby Jay.  FUCKER!
Baby Jay (I will not use BJ cuz she's simply too innocent): "hee, hee, hee I can't really tell"
("Hey baby!")
E: "What the fuck?  It's that dirty soon-to-be-a-criminal in that beat up piece of shit mini-van circa 1988.  I think it's a horn affect."
Baby Jay: "Really, that's kind of cool."
E: thinking "poor Baby Jay are you sure you want to move to the big city.  There are some seriously crazy and weird fucks around here"
Baby Jay: "Wow, I think you're right.  Okay that's weird."
E: thinking "Of COURSE it's weird, right next to his creepy glasses like the ones Stanley Tucci wore in 'The Lovely Bones', that dudes scary. And I WILL smack that creepy, potential molester smile right off your face.  Right after I scratch your eyes out! " Outloud: "Don't look at him Baby Jay. Just keep walking forward."
Baby Jay: "I kinda love weird shit like that.  I can't wait to move to the BIG city."
E: "Oh, Baby Jay, just promise to keep your wits about you, trust no one, and never, ever go home with a stranger (i.e. learn from E what NOT to do, even if nothing bad ever happened, I have had my stupid moments)"
Baby Jay:  hee, hee, hee, hee

SWEET, innocent girl.  I do worry about her moving here, but even more disconcerting is the fact that some jackass actually thought it was COOL to install some jacked up horn alternative that would allow him to, in his mind, woo the girls, when in fact he comes off as one creepy MoFo whose alter ego comes out when the sun sets.

Seriously?  Who sells this SHIT and thinks it's acceptable?  SERIOUSLY?  You're either as stupid or a big freak who lives in his mother's basement with her 10 cats or BOTH to have a. created this product and b. decided to sell it, most likely online.  And what brilliant mechanic would actually put this in someones car to replace their horn.  You know those guys are laughing out back at the stupid douche bag who thought it was so cool to have this horn sound installed.

It kills me.  Think about this.  In a city where honking is standard procedure to scare the buh-gezus out of anyone clearly a foreigner to the Big City, or really bad drivers (and there are a lot of them), what kind of effect is your measly little horn going to have to get someone asshole driver's attention?  I can see it now, driving in the city and some jackass pulls in front of you so you swerve to try and miss him, but he stops suddenly and you honk your horn only to hear "HEY BABY" and you slam into the backend of a gangsters car.

Oh, well, maybe it's for the best.  Let the gangsters take care of all the fucking freaks!

What Finally Made Me Laugh....

A VP at the Tribune got in trouble for sending this out to his staff in extremely poor taste, but it is the first thing to make me laugh this week and I love it. The Onion is truly the most brilliant source for laughter.  Enjoy....sluts, especially Crazy Brunette, who is probably in this video! 


VH1 Reality Show Bus Crashes In California Causing Major Slut Spill

xoxo

I am officially worth....nothing

Why is it that when bad things happen they just snowball?   You can never get ahead.  All signs point to....nothing.  Today, I am officially worth nothing, except a measly $50 I have in my bank account.  That's right, kids, Epiphany had to cash in her tiny stash of retirement to pay my credit card company.  Oh, and that comes with tax implications.  Add it to my fucking tab.

Everything is worse.  I am fearful that it's driving me into a depression.  I only want to sleep - the stress is zapping me.  I don't want to do any work, because I think "what's the point".  I am one who always feels hopeful.  Always sees opportunities, but today I can't see them through the tears.  And let me tell you, this woman has cried a lot in the last month.

Ever since I made my decision to blog about my journey and make a change in my life, I had hope that the awareness, the shift in energy, would catapult me in the direction in which I am supposed to go.  It hasn't.  It's just been more work emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Work for clients and late nights looking for a job, and part-time work for the time being.  How did I get here?  The worst part is the being alone.  I have no one to share this challenge and frustration with.  Maybe it's time I got myself a sugar daddy!  No joke. I think I could do it for the money.  But then again, that would be the lowest place I could take myself. 

I just don't understand and feel more lost than I did before.  I hate this place.  I'm totally in my head, thinking all of the time and not listening.  I need to meditate and connect but it's difficult to focus.

This weekend a very close gf of mine celebrated two-years of sobriety.  I went to an open meeting with her and then brunch following.  I was her only non-AA friend in attendance, and I feel grateful for her including me.  Hearing the stories of those who spoke reminded me that as bad as I think things are at the moment, they could be much worse.  But it still feels pretty bad.

"If you can still look up when you're down on your back, you can get up".  Great quote from a mentor, but right now I just don't know what I would get up for.

It comes so easy to some people.  Why is that?  I have so many inspirational quotes and messages to remind me around my house but I suddenly feel like Stuart Smiley having to do and say things I've never had to before.  I used to be confident in who I am.  Now I have to say "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!" Unfortunately, that won't pay my bills.

The BIG Business Pitch

Big, HUGE, new business pitch tomorrow.  Proposal is almost done and feeling really good about it.

Actually, I feel different now that I have let go of my business and know that if it doesn't work out that a. it doesn't define me to others (you win and lose), b. I have options in my life.  It isn't over.  Ironically, I should be a little nervous because this is the first corporate client to come my way in ages, and they found me.  

Will let you know how it goes!

xo

And Just When I Thought....

It couldn't get worse....I love Meow Mix and I'm SO happy to have her home, but the cost of it all wiped me out and now...I'm in a bad place.  Thanks to my parents for helping out, but today I feel like I've hit rock bottom.

I don't like to ask my parents for money.  Never have.  That's why I got my first job at 16 working at Dillard's in my hometown.  I hated taking their money and I was willing to work for my own.  But...when you've spent thousands on your baby and the bills are still due...you can't be surprised when they take action on you.

Today is a low day.  However, I am truly grateful for the blessings I do have.  At the moment, I am at my neighbor's who is moving this weekend and I'm REALLY bummed about it.  Good neighbors are hard to come by and one who has become a good friend is even harder.  Sure she's just moving a couple of miles away, but she is someone who I can count on.  She watches and feeds Meow Mix when I go out of town and I take her dogs on walks and to the park when she's out for a long day.  We even give each other food.  When I bake I share it with her and her boyfriend.  When she buys a huge bag of tangerines she always gives me a few.  When I need $10, or vice versa, she's always willing.  Good neighbor and friend.  I'll miss her being around but know I will see her soon.

Things have to change.  They WILL change. I have a big, HUGE new client presentation next Tuesday and I'm feeling really good with what I've created for the proposal.  It could really change things.  Then there's another project I've kind of done on and off but realized I don't have the skill set to make it what I want.  That is until my friend mentioned the project to his friend who said he'd totally develop it for me and I would pay him off the proceeds.  Seems to good to be true, but my friend is currently working with him on a software project on the same basis.  So, while I'm at home without computer I will work like we did without them - pen and paper.  I can't stop just because roadblocks are once again in my path.

A wise friend once said "If you can look up while your laying flat on your back, then you can get up!"  Besides, it's not like I don't have work; clients who are paying me.  It's not like I'm jobless and clientless.  Today is just today and it will, I hope, be all better by Monday.

xo
E